What We Are Taught To Believe
A tidal wave is crashing down on my soul the more time goes by without him answering me.
My throat feels torn out; it’s impossible to breathe.
Vocal cord sounds are hysterical sobs.
Dallas watches me, waits, and listens as I start to rant on and on, with waving hands.
Pacing back and forth, finger pointing, accusations thrown his way. He stands there, never wavering, taking everything I’m spitting his way, standing tall, strong, as if he can bear all the bricks that I’m hitting him with.
Lies.
Lies.
Lies.
“I am the lie in your life!” Another volley of words that seem to just spike out of my mouth, continuing to beat against his solid chest.
He’s iron that will not bend.
Pointing at my heart, I cry, “I’m not a lie!” These are old wounds that are splitting apart. The fabric of my life is coming undone.
The unjust card has been dealt, fate’s cruelest tricks.
I have been taught since I was a small pup that when you find your mate, you will walk hand in hand in this life and together in the moon’s embrace for eternity, never to be alone.
For me, nothing is possible. I will constantly be rejected up there no matter who I choose. The only one to wait for me is Clayton, and I don’t want him to be there waiting for me.
“Why me? All I ever wanted in life was to be loved, to be put first. Is that so much to ask for?”
He’s listening to me come undone.
My currents of emotion are a tide flowing in, only to spew out a hurricane of fury that is jumbled together as he’s holding onto the ship, riding out my waves.
He’s a patient captain, knowing the storm can only last so long.
“I deserve to be first; I deserve to be loved! I won’t do this with you. I can leave. I don’t need you; I don’t need anyone but him. He’s what I need. I don’t have to settle for second best. I would rather be alone than know that I’m just being used for company. To fill a void left by your dead mate.” I smack my hand on the dresser, wishing it was his face. I know one thing: I am raging mad, tears of anger, sadness mixing themselves together as he watches me break down.
“What happens to me? What happens when I go to the moon and no one is there for me? Is this fair to me? Is this how I have to live my life, knowing that when we part you will turn your back on me, forsake me? I’m good enough for this life and the next. I’m worthy to be someone’s first.” I wipe away my pain, my heartache, that just keeps pouring out of my eyes.
My ribcage feels brittle with the way it wants to collapse inside itself. A slight pain starts throughout my body. Is this real heartache?
I thought I knew heartache.
Taking deep breaths in, I try to calm myself down.
Once my pointing finger lays limply at my side, he comes to me.
Closer and closer. He doesn’t hunch his shoulders; he keeps them straight with his head held high.
I’ve had my tantrum.
He’s the casualty of what my words have left. Never can I take back what has been said. We can move on from words, but never can I take them back.
“Rya, I’m not sure what’s going on here. When I left you to nap, you told me you were fine. When I come back in the door, I’m met with you accusing me of things that I have no control over.” He’s an even calm.
Facing me head on.
“Just answer my question.”
“No matter what I say, it will be the wrong answer. No matter what I tell you, it will be wrong. Do I walk with her or you?” He sits on the edge of the bed, pulling me on his lap. I try to move away, create space between us.
“I listened to you; I let you talk and talk. My turn, Rya.” His nose touches my neck before he pulls his face away to look at me in the eyes.
“Maysa was my mate, Rya; there is no changing that. I would never change that, ever. Just like I will never change the fact you are my mate now. You are what the moon has given to me as a second chance at happiness. She has gifted me with you; I’m not sure why. I have asked her this many times, but she doesn’t answer me back. This question you ask seems as if the rest of our future depends on it. This question has no solution to what you seek.” He’s holding both my hands now, gripping them firmly in his.
“Maysa was my first; I thought she would be my last. I couldn’t even imagine myself loving someone as much as her. Until you.” He brings my hands to his lips, kissing the tops gently, looking me in the eyes the whole time.
“I like to think that what we have is so much more; there was no bond between us at first. I saw this female that I was drawn too, that I wanted to get to know more. Slowly over time, I wanted to spend more time with you because you were worth spending time with. I couldn’t wait to go to the office in the morning to catch a glimpse of you. Just to see your smile, your face. Maybe get a chance to hold a conversation with you. Our story started out slow, with some difficulty, ups, and downs. But here we are now, together.” He still holds both my hands, not letting them go.
“I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, raise our pups together, grow old together, and when we go to the moon, we believe that there is no separation, that we can all walk together in the next life.” A tear rolls down his cheek, just one.
Emotions are playing hard over his face.
“I want to see her again; I want to see my male that I never got the chance to look at. I picture her holding him in her arms welcoming me up. At the same time, I picture myself waiting for you up there to welcome you in my arms. If you go first, I think that Maysa would be waiting for you as well. She would welcome you with her arms open. I don’t think jealousy up there exists; I think emotions transcend themselves into the purest form. Nothing but love exists up there, nothing but belonging. I think she’s looking down from her view of us and she’s happy for me, for us.” He’s not letting my hands go. He’s like the water that washes me clean, wiping away my doubts and fears away.
He’s proposing a fresh new way of seeing things that I never knew could be possible.
What we are taught, others are not. Every pack has different beliefs when you go to the moon.
The question is, who’s right?
“She was my first love, but you’re my last love. That’s my answer to you, Rya. I can’t choose between the two of you. I don’t think it’s a fair choice that you ask me. My true mate or my chosen mate, two different mates, but the same strong love. Unrelenting love.” He kisses my cheeks, my forehead.
“I won’t make a decision because when we meet again in the next life, we will be standing together, all of us, our friends, family, offspring, we will all stand with one another as one giant pack.” He’s looking at me now as if deciding something.
“Sometimes life has you making decisions. Right now I’m going to make a decision that I should have made a long time ago.” He stands us both up so we’re facing each other. Still, he holds my hands in his, except there is space between us.
“Our wolves have bonded to each other; we have a pup together. I love you with my soul. In my heart, you are my mate, Rya.” He takes a small step toward me, bringing our bodies slightly closer.
“You are mine.” He takes another small step toward me. The humming between our bodies is vibrating my skin.
“You are my hope.” Another step my way, so now our chests are almost touching. Hummingbird wings flutter inside my stomach.
“My love.” Now he brings us together, our chests touching. Still, he’s holding my hands, not breaking contact.
“My light.” His voice cracks slightly. Nothing but pure happiness is what I feel from his strong emotions that are radiating out of him. Emotions are of pure happiness that makes you want to cry from the beauty of it.
“My weakness.” His head dips down to place a kiss just above the hollow in my neck.
Now he stills himself, taking a deep breath while smiling down at me with nothing but the purest love that’s shining in his eyes that are becoming lighter and lighter, almost white in color.
“My strength.” The last words flow slowly from his mouth. No space between us now, bodies pressed close together. His hands leave mine now. Taking my face in both his hands, he kisses my lips until I kiss him back. His mouth trails to my jawline, down my neck. His nose is taking in my scent as I take in his.
Pulling back, he lets me look at him and his wolf together in agreement. Canines descended, he’s on my neck again. Sharpened teeth hover, barely puncturing flesh.
He holds himself for just a few seconds before I feel them sink into the skin.
A gasp escapes my mouth.
A rhythmic high pulsates in pleasure that I have never felt before. This is a whole new level of experience.
His quivering body moans out in pleasure. He continues to hold me with teeth that are binding me to him. He’s in no rush to let go. An arm around my waist, trying to pull me in more, to create as little space as possible between us. I can feel his legs shaking with the effort of standing.
Something inside me opens up like a flower blooming for the first time. My petals that were held in tight are loosening up, as they start to unfold themselves. Releasing my inner essence to him.
Intertwining.
My world is disappearing for a fraction of a second as he’s inside me; I can feel his presence, his soul pushing into me.
The energy of him weaving with mine.
Still, he holds me with his teeth; my legs weaken, giving out from the bombardment of sensations. He holds me up with strong arms that won’t let me fall.
Electricity is now cracking and popping between us.
Our bond weaving into something so much more.
Spiritual ecstasy.
My spine curves, only to press my chest into his more.
We stay like this entwined, holding onto one another.
I feel his teeth retract from the marked skin, his tongue sealing the holes closed.
There is blood on his face as he regards me, seeing me really for the first time. He doesn’t say a word, but I can tell his mind is active, pupils dilating then pinpointing. Is he flipping through the layers of my life?
Can he see who I am?
“I can see everything, Rya.” He answers my thoughts back to me. My eyes go big in wonder.
“You marked me?” Putting my hand to my neck, I feel the way it will scar slightly. It’s deep; nothing will be able to hide his love for me.
“I thought that this was a perfect time. I made an effort. Either you tap out, or you get knocked out. I wasn’t going to tap out this time, and there was no way I was getting knocked out by your words.” He seems happy with himself.
I’m still slightly shaky from the marking, and I can tell he’s trying his best to look strong for me.
“I want to show you something.” He takes my hand, leading me out the door into a room down the hall. Opening the door, it’s the nursery for our Chance.
A deep blue on the walls, changing table to the side. It’s small but perfect for a little one. No crib, I guess we will move it into here once he gets bigger, and I don’t need to keep a vigil on him.
“Look on the walls. I came and checked the room out after you went down for a nap.” He’s behind me now; his body pressed up against mine.
Looking at the walls, I smile at the large picture of Dallas and me on a chair with my back against his chest. I remember Caleb taking this picture. I see other pictures mounted on the wall of the three of us, right after his birth, that Luna Grace took of us. Dallas is looking down at us while I look into the camera with the biggest smile I think I have ever worn on my face.
“My mother will put you up on the wall when it’s time. It’s her house, not mine. I can ask her to take Maysa’s picture down, but she was a part of their lives just like she was mine. They loved her just like they love you. I can understand how you feel, and it’s okay to feel that way.” He’s holding me while I take our male’s room in. The love she invested into everything she has done for me gives me a rush of gratitude for a female who always has my back.
“We should have come in here before we went to our room. You could have seen this. You are important, you are supposed to be loved and cherished, and that’s what I will spend the rest of my life doing. It’s my moon’s promise to you. All you have to do is believe in me, in us.” He kisses the back of my head before turning me around in his arms.
“Can you believe in us, Rya? Can you give us a chance?”