A Wanderer’s Home
Rya
First light of the day filters in through the blinds, its beam unhurried while it travels across the wooden floor in a show of time crawling slowly forward.
Fingers probing low, I feel for that hardness that’s just below the surface of the skin. The telltale sign of a lining that’s building a nest for my future inside me. Feeling it, just the slightest, barely there swell. Not noticeable if I wasn’t trained to look.
How could I have been so blind about myself?
How did I miss all the signs that were in front of my nose?
Looking back, I put each piece together. The big neon sign in my mind going off. I’ve been an idiot not to recognize what my own body was telling me. Everything made sense: the increased appetite for food, then seeing Dallas, how my appetite grew for much more than food. How he fed my body over and over again with his nutrients.
Sometimes the most educated wolves are the most blinded when it comes to themselves.
Part of me wants to keep this little secret safe and secure for just a few more weeks. There’s time to tell, but do I really want to tell?
Do I want Dallas to forgive me because I’m carrying his future? Maybe he will only take me back out of obligation, staying with me because of our young. I don’t want that for him or for me. I want him to want me without knowing this. But then I shouldn’t keep this from him either.
Decisions.
Picking up the phone, I dial Luna Grace. I hold my breath. Please be home.
There are a few rings before a tired voice answers the other end.
“Hello.”
“Hello, Luna Grace, this is Rya.”
“Rya.” A little crack of her throat. “Thank you for calling.” It’s as if her voice is on autopilot, as if someone else is guiding her to say the right words for the occasion.
“Luna Grace, are you all right?” I’ve never heard this side of her before.
“Rya, you haven’t heard?” My heart starts to tick just a little faster, apprehension prickling the back of my neck.
“Heard what, Luna Grace?” I can’t control the rise of panic coming through in words. The wobble of anxiety, the small tremor in fingers that holds the phone.
A pause.
Muffled cry.
“Rya. I’m so sorry to tell you this, but…” I could picture her sitting down with what she needs to say, the heaviness so great in her voice it actually weighs me down into a sitting position.
“Rya, Kennedy had the pups late last night—” Luna Grace begins to paint the picture in words of grief.
“The pregnancy was hard on her body, weakening it. The labor was long. She just wasn’t strong enough with the demands of having twins.” Another pause, trying to get tight emotions under control.
Bracing myself for the next sentence is like trying to stand against a sledgehammer aiming at the center of my chest.
“She just couldn’t push the first out. The twins were in distress. She started to hemorrhage. They couldn’t stop the bleeding.” It’s as if she’s reliving it again. Cries so deep, short intakes of breath. Her words become unclear, my vision blurring and unfocused, words slipping into one another with the strangulation of breath.
“A decision was made to use silver. She couldn’t push them out. We had to take them.” She stops to gather herself, sniffling into the phone.
“She already lost a lot of blood. She understood what was happening almost to the very end, until she couldn’t keep her eyes open. She put her best effort to stay with us, with them, with Cash.” It takes Luna Grace time to rein in the storm of emotions. “She was able to see her beauties before—”
Wiping away my own tears, it’s hard to swallow with the constriction I feel in my throat. Luna Grace takes a few minutes to regain her composure just enough to say the next line.
“She passed away in Cash’s arms last night.”
Crumpling, the sledgehammer strikes true, dead center.
“Cash, my poor Cassius.” Luna Grace’s pain is a horror to my ears.
“We don’t have enough nursing mothers in the pack to support two pups. I don’t think we can even support one.” Hearts know pain, and mine is now experiencing pain on a whole new level.
The realization of life hitting me in the face, how life easily begins to quickly end.
Mothers have a hard time sharing what is meant for their young. Survival of the fittest. If you can’t provide, then yours die. Every feeding is needed to a growing pup. To take one away is not noticed, but to take several feedings away, then the growth and development are affected. No mother will endanger her pup for someone else’s, no matter whose it is.
Instinct.
“They’re beautiful, Rya. They look like Kennedy. They have her eyes.” Another muffled cry and I cry along with her.
She has now become that funeral hymn that they will sing about.
“What can I do, Luna Grace?” I feel helpless, useless.
“Pray to the moon for them.” That’s all she can say, knowing what the future will bring to her grandchildren who has no one to feed them.
“I’m coming.” I need to be there for Cash. We had a rough start, but our ending was what mattered.
“Don’t. There’s nothing you can do for the dead. Cash won’t even notice you’re here. Continue on with what you’re doing. Caleb told us you left the pack, that you are wandering. There’s no need to come back. My oldest won’t be back for a long time. Live that life you need to live. It’s too short, Rya. Do all the things you want to do before it’s too late. You just never know when it can end.” Another fresh rack of sobs renders her speech garbled and hard to follow.
“Little Moon.” That Silverback Alpha’s voice is steady, sturdy.
“Alpha Clinton.” I can hear Luna Grace’s cries that are muffled sobs; he’s probably holding her against his chest.
“Little Moon, you’re on your wandering journey. Stay on course. You need this just like my male needs his journey. We’re proud of you, Rya. If you need anything, please ask. Otherwise, we will know you’re doing okay.” I contemplate telling him the future I hold inside me, but for some reason, I don’t.
“Can you tell Cash how sorry I am for him?”
“We’ll tell him.”
“Can you tell Dallas when he comes home to call me? I need to talk to him.” I try to stress the importance of my words, but I think it’s lost in the events of grief.
“We’ll tell our oldest, but it’s his decision whether to call you or not. We hope he does call you. Sometimes things just need time to get over.”
“I understand.”
“If there’s anything I can do for Cash, call me.” I really mean it. I will drop anything to be there for that male who’s probably completely ruined.
“We will, Rya, thank you.” His voice is deep and comforting, a rock in turbulent waves that you can hold onto.
“Goodbye. May the moon be good to you, Rya.”
“You as well, Alpha Clinton.”
Hanging up the phone, I’m a mess. Even though I don’t like that female, even though she was the thorn that pricked deeply into my heel, I can’t bear what her death means for everyone, especially those pups.
They don’t deserve a hunger that can never be satisfied. Not only does Cash have to burn his dead mate, he has to listen to those pups cry and cry from the hunger. Their cries will get weaker and weaker till they are only whimpers.
Looking at my phone, I send Clayton a text.
Rya: Are you okay?
Clayton: No.
His reply comes a few minutes later.
Rya: I’m sorry.
What more can I say? His everything forever gone, her happy ending never finished in that fairy tale book of hers. Did it ever really have a chance to begin in the first place? He doesn’t say anything else. No more replies from him.
I contact Caleb next.
Rya: How is he?
Caleb: Taking it bad, both are. I’m heading back in the morning. Cash needs me at home.
Rya: Tell Cash I’m going to help him somehow. I’m going to find a way to help him.
Caleb: Rya, you should come back here. Clayton needs someone.
Rya: I can’t Caleb, I can’t go backward. He’s going to be fine he just needs some time to handle things himself. I can’t hold him while he cries for her. I don’t have that in me.
Caleb: I understand.
Rya: Safe trip.
Caleb: You too.
His final words to me as we end our conversation.
I’m glad I made peace with her, at least that part of her and me I won’t regret. I said what I needed to say, and I won’t have that regret over my head.
A knock on the door brings me out of my own thoughts.
“Rya, it’s past our meeting time and—” The Luna of this pack looks me up and down, taking in my appearance.
“Your eyes!” Surprised, she takes a step back from me. I forgot to put my contacts in before answering the door.
“You swore to secrecy. You can’t say a word. I will never come back here, and I can take away what I brought. I can end the future inside of you. I have the power,” I lie. She doesn’t know that I hold no power of destruction, only the power of creation.
“You’re moon blessed.” Instantly kneeling down, she touches her forehead to my bare feet.
Awkward.
“You can’t tell anyone, not even your mate. Do you understand?” I try to make my voice sound deeper, more menacing, flash fang.
“Now stand up.” She’s looking at me as if she’s looking at a god. Her whole stance changes, nervous energy pulsing off her body. I think she’s frightened in a way. Leery movements, not walking fully into this house. Standing on the outside of the door, refusing to be cornered inside with me.
Again she assesses with cunning eyes. The keenness in them dilates the irises black.
“Are you all right, Rya?”
“I just got some bad news from a pack that I was with for a while.” A tear that I don’t want to show trails down my cheek. Strong arms pull me into her. Hands rub my back. She just holds me until I can let go of her.
“What can we do for you?” She pulls herself away from me. Her beautiful sweet scent fills the room. Her lips are a shade darker, her cheeks flushed, her heat coming in hard.
I know now what I can do for Cash, for that family who has given me so much. I will provide for them in their time of need. I’m going to be the bringer of food.
“I need your help.”
“Ask anything.” Her debt to me knows no bounds.
“This pack that I have spent time with just lost a mother of twins.” A sad intake of breath from the Luna’s throat, she understands the dire need of those pups.
“They don’t have enough nursing females to handle the strain of two more mouths to feed. In a few months, they will have plenty of females to help provide for those twins, but in the meantime, they need help. Can you provide them with what they need even if it’s only a little bit? Anything will help.”
“Do you know what you’re asking of the mothers?”
“I do. I’m just asking for one feeding, that’s all. One feeding to go toward the twins’ needs. I need you to freeze the milk, then have someone drive straight through and deliver it before it thaws. Can you do that? Can you help?” Wisps of sound come out as soft desperate pleas from my mouth.
“I have favors owed to me, not only in this pack, but the surrounding packs. I will call in every single one of them. I will have my mate call in all his favors with different packs. He will do whatever you ask of him. I will arrange a shipment by tomorrow morning. Then I will arrange one every week after that. You can count on me. I just owe you so much more than this.”
“No, this is enough. Any help you give them is more than what they have. Thank you.”
“Rya, I have a favor to ask you.” She looks slightly nervous.
“Ask.”
“I know of two females three hours away. One is the Alpha’s youngest daughter. I was wondering if you could go and see her. Do what you did for us?”
“Make the arrangements, tell them my demands, and also about needing the milk. I won’t go unless that demand is met. Also, you need to tell them the importance of secrecy. No one is to know about me. Can you keep my secret?”
“I will die with your secret. I will make the call. Thank you, Rya, for everything.”
“This is my last day with your pack. I need to leave. My job is done. You’re starting your heat, all of you. I hope you have a successful outcome. Tell them that I said goodbye, that I wish them the best. I’ll start packing. I expect an answer from that pack within the hour. If not, I’m going my own way.” I try to sound as if I couldn’t care either way, but in reality, I’m bluffing. I need the milk for those pups.
The Luna leaves, but not before hugging me one last time.
Packing my belongings, I know I can do this, make the connections I need to help with something that is bigger than me. I might not have liked Kennedy, but I will fight for her pups’ survival. I will do everything I can to help them survive.
Within the hour, the Luna’s back with directions to the next pack that takes me slightly closer to the ocean. I give her the address to the Valentines’ pack. Again she assures me that everything that can be done for them will be.
Later the next night, my phone rings. Smiling to myself, I answer.
“Thank you, Rya,” Luna’s Grace says even before I can say hello.
“I’m not sure what you mean.” Trying to play dumb with her is beyond my skill level.
“How did you manage this? We asked them how they knew. They remained tight-lipped, just saying when the delivery date is each week. They wouldn’t give us any more information. They said that they would take nothing in return. I found it odd that the female who was driving such a long way was going into her heat. For some reason, I thought of you.” She persists with her questioning.
“Odd you thought of me.” I wonder what couple delivered the milk. Who took all the time to drive that distance only to drop off what was needed and turn around again?
“Rya, now listen to me. I know it’s you. Tell me how?” She pronounced each word clearly, with an edge to it, leaving me no choice but to tell her something.
“They owed me a favor.” That’s all I say, no need revealing too much of my activities.
“A favor? Rya, you’re sounding and acting like a true Luna.” I need to change the subject.
“How’s Cash doing?”
“He’s still in shock, but he’s surviving.”
“Tell him everything I do is for him and them.” It’s hard to get the words out.
“I will, Rya.”
Taking a few days to myself to grieve, I pull into this new pack house with a fresh supply of tea and magic pixie dust. That thought gives me a little laugh. All these wolves believing in magic and I’m the one to bring it in a special tea. It’s really ginger tea infused with vitamins. My morning sickness is just starting to grip me, and I need every trick and knowledge I have obtained with my training to be used on myself now. This is the beginning of the second month and I know I have a few hard months ahead of me.
Opening the door to this pack house stands an older looking couple, the Alpha with white hair, his mate’s skin translucent, showing her blue veins all wrinkled with age. They are older than what I’m used to in a ruling pair. They are well past their prime but continue to rule anyway. Different cultures have different ways to go about things. I once heard that mates paired for a long time even die around the same time, one from natural causes, the other from heartache.
That’s what love does: it leads to death from heartache.
The Luna places her cheek against mine, inhaling deeply before pulling away.
“Sorry for your loss.” At first, I’m not sure what she means, then realization set in: she can smell I’m pregnant without a mate’s mark. She must think my mate has died and my mark faded.
“Thank you.” That’s all I say. Let them believe what they want to believe. I’m not here to tell my life story. I’m on the trail of meat, except its milk that I’m after.
This gives me a purpose to continue on, to go from pack to pack. It’s as if I’m a wanderer but with a set goal. The ocean is just within reach, yet my path detours off course constantly.
Month three has me starting to lose some weight, just a little. The craving for Dallas is beyond what’s normal. My body feels unsettled, in a state of constant worry that we are not safe without his presence. All the Alphas of the packs that I visit pledge their protection to me. Nothing will touch me as long as I am in their territory. I am safe with them.
That eases my mind slightly, yet I do ask for a silver knife that I keep hidden and on me at all times. A little reminder for anyone who challenges me I will not go down easily. Teeth and claw against silver, not a fair fight, but I would do permanent damage before I’m taken out.
From this pack, I learn that age is valued, that the elders of the pack are the leaders, warriors are the up and coming, but it’s the elders who govern and make pack decisions with the Alpha having the final say. I’m taught to make perogies from scratch from the old mamas. They use it as an excuse to get together and drink. It’s funny watching old female wolves getting together laughing, drinking, and talking with the filthiest mouths that I have ever heard. The stories about their youth have me blushing. They get out their phones that some have a hard time working, showing me pictures of their grandchildren.
One older wolf, who looks wobbly on skinny legs, has a devious smirk to her. Pulling out her phone, she passes it around to the other wolves, saying, “Look at the picture I had the neighbor take. I put it as my profile picture on Facebook.”
It’s her with a beer in her hand, smoke hanging out her mouth while driving a riding lawnmower. “It drove my son crazy as soon as I put it up.” She snickers to the rest of her friends, and they all howl with laughter. They try to one-up each other who can get the best reaction out of their young. She won the twenty bucks this month with that picture. She pockets the twenty in her bra, winking at the rest of the mamas.
I love watching the interaction of these loving females. Friend love is good love.
Cash’s twins are surviving. Caleb tells me that everyone is taking shifts, helping raise those pups as if they belonged to everyone and not just Cash. Everyone has claimed them as their own. It feels good that the pack bands together in times of need, helping someone who is in need.
Community, that’s how it’s supposed to be.
Rya: How are you?
My message to Cash every week is the same, yet he hasn’t answered me back. I hope he sees my effort.
Month four has my pants just barely doing up. I can’t button them anymore. I resort to skirts and sundresses. The heat is oppressive this far south. My hair’s growing out slightly in its own messy style that’s all mine.
This is the month I feel his fishtail kicks, as he flops and twists inside me. At first, I thought it was gas bubbles, but as I really sat still, I could feel him running around in there, happy and content.
He will be a strong male.
I feel as if the moon herself is cradling me in her hands. This pregnancy is going so easy for me.
I’m so lucky.
Giggling, never would I use those words to describe myself, but now they are my everyday words. How lucky I am, I constantly think this as I feel my love inside me. I can’t stop the way my hands find that they love to rest on top of the small forming bump. The way he kicks when I put the phone to my stomach and Dallas’s voice comes over saying he’s unavailable to take the message.
Just that short message has the pup reacting in bursts of energy. I have never left a message, preferring just to hear his voice tickle my skin.
It soothes me to hear his voice even if it’s in a message of “please leave a message.”
I had a dream about Dallas the other night, about our twisting bodies, naked, coming together hard and satisfying. This dream only left an ache between my thighs that’s not satisfied. I have to prepare myself that I might not see him for a very long time. That makes me whimper inside. I have to be prepared he will never forgive me.
Can I share my male with Dallas if he doesn’t want me? A very little whisper mists up my back, tentacles anchoring into my spine, pulling dark thoughts into my mind.
He could take him away from you.
He wouldn’t do that, I always say back, but there is a little fear, if I’m honest with myself.
Whenever I bump into wolves, it’s always the same “sorry for your loss.” Their eyes always fall to my unmarked neck, then looking away quickly, like I have a birth defect of some kind. I always respond with a thank you and go about with what I’m doing.
Month five has me needing to buy my first pregnancy clothes—nothing but bright colors. Everything flowing from the pretty blouses, skirts all floral and layered, providing me warmth while fall is starting to roll in with cool winds from the north.
Eccentric. That’s what some of the wolves say about me now.
I look as if I’m a gypsy and feel like a nomad, not tied down to one place. Doing things I only dreamed of doing. The postcards to my parents telling them of my adventures, never a return address on them, and in a way I feel guilty for not telling them I’m expecting, but the more I let my secret stay a secret, the harder it’s getting to actually tell them.
No other packs are needed for the supply line of milk. It’s time for me to touch the ocean with my bare feet.
Month six, no hiding my belly—it’s growing more and more with each day. I make it to the ocean’s edge, driving along the coast.
It’s big sky and blue water, the waves white tipped in the gusting wind.
I’ve been looking for just the perfect house to den up in. I need something small, secure, and private. The off-season for beach rentals is winding down, and I have a few that I googled that will rent me the home for six months. All I have to do is decide on the right location.
My hunt is not a successful one. This is the last stop before I have to research my options again.
I pull up to a private drive made with a mixture of small rock and sand that the tires crunch on. The homes are hidden behind thick layers of trees and bushes.
Following the curved road, I smile to myself with the way these little shore houses are lined up. All bright colored and well-maintained on the outside.
Getting out of the car, I hear the waves crashing against the shore. The sea breeze moistens the air I breathe in. A chorus of screaming seagulls talk to each other from up above.
The owner of this property wants to meet me before she will rent anything to me.
The house itself is perfect. It’s light blue, matching the sky. White window trim with storm shutters. If I was to guess, it might only hold two bedrooms…perfect.
No one is around to meet me yet, so I go to the beach side of the home. A large deck looking out toward the sea, the sand brushing against the steps. I can picture myself sitting on the porch having tea, watching the sunrise in the early morning hours. The constant crashing of the tide will lull me to sleep at night.
I found my place.
I walk toward the ocean. The water laps at my ankles, and my feet sink into the sand as every wave flows in and ebbs out.
Snapping a picture of my feet with the foaming water swirling around my toes, I send it to Caleb.
Caleb: You made it!
His reply to me instant.
Rya: I did!
Caleb: I’m happy for you, Rya.
Rya: Thanks, is he back yet?
Can’t help but ask every time I talk to him. I get no instant reply this time. I wait for his reply before I text him again.
Rya: ?
Caleb: He’s been back for two weeks now.
He’s been home for two weeks and hasn’t called me, no contact, no text…nothing. All the hope that I have been clinging to is slowly slipping away as each wave goes back into the sea.
Rya: oh.
That’s the last thing I text to him as I throw my phone as far as I can into the water. The splash it makes is barely heard over the music of the great big blue.
My hope is gone.
“Hello,” a female’s voice calls out from around front.
“Hi, just looking at the view,” I call out to her above the pulse of the water.
We both round the house at the same time, almost bumping into each other. She takes a fighting stance instantly, and I go for my knife. Her fur ruffled up, my need to flee shaking my legs.
The both of us back up, giving space between the wolves who don’t know each other. She half circles me, while I follow her body.
“She-wolf, this is my land. Why are you here?” A growl rumbles out her chest that would make Alpha Clinton take notice of this Female Alpha.
“I never knew this was wolf territory. I apologize.” Another step backward toward the safety of my car. The knife’s handle digs into my closed palm.
Coffee brown eyes regard the knife in my hand. Her eyes travel up my rounded form, taking in my neck where I bear no mark. Her posture changes from balancing on the balls of her feet to skittish wariness.
I relax barely. My heart thumps hard in my chest. My pup inside me stills, not moving with the threat of danger.
“Be calm, she-wolf. I won’t hurt you.” The voice of truth hits my ears. She holds my eyes while she says this; they take on a topaz look now.
Regarding her, she’s the color of warm caramel, and her cheeks have a touch of cinnamon with being out in the sun. Her full lips start to angle upwards in a honeyed smile. Locks cascade down her back in tiny braids that have been woven by nimble fingers.
Shoulders of strong muscles that angle down into a slim waist and ample backside, lean smooth legs that are toned from someone who runs. She’s a fantasy that males would have a hard time walking away from.
“Sorry for your loss.” Those are her words as once again her eyes fall to my neck.
“Thank you.” It’s a cautious start of words.
“Is it just you and your male?” She looks at my stomach.
“Yes, that’s it. I need somewhere to stay. I have money to pay you. I won’t be any trouble.” I try to cover the desperation in my voice.
“Why are you not with your own wolves?”
“I need some time away.” I keep my answers short. I’m not giving anything away. She’s looking like she’s trying to put the pieces of me together. They won’t fit, but I will let her believe she knows me.
“I don’t want any trouble.” Arms cross over her chest, fingers tapping along her forearms.
“You won’t get any. It’s just us.” I touch my belly, giving it a rub of reassurance.
“All right, I tend to keep to myself, so don’t expect me to socialize with you. You’re on your own, understand. I’m not someone you can count on.”
“I understand.” My words hold a smile because I don’t want to socialize either.
“Come, I’ll show you the inside. My name’s Belac.” She holds her hand out like humans do.
“Rya.” Putting my own hand out, we shake before pulling away quickly.
The way she leads me toward the house has me marveling at how she owns her own swagger. A female in complete control of her body.
Pausing at the door, looking out into the expanse of water that goes on more than the eye can see. This will be the place I birth my pup. I’ll do this without him. When I’m ready, I’ll call and tell him about his male.
Hopefully, Dallas will forgive me for this.