30
AMBRA
When he leads me back to my room and greets me, I'm already missing him. Krum was summoned by Leonardo and I had to please him promising to stay in my room until his return. I don’t mind staying a bit by myself, as the latest events have given me no peace and my mind hasn't had time to assimilate what's been going on. Krum I and have been living between heaven and hell for days. At the moment I'm floating on sparkling clouds and I am fully aware of the effect that this man has on me. He helped to put everything else behind me. The incomprehensible feeling that binds me to Krum is stronger than anything that life is giving me. There is no darkness if darkness itself is holding me by hand. It isn't so difficult to slip into Krum's soul, finding out that in the end he is just a man shaken by a terrifying past. If I think about what he has told me, I feel I am just a woman ungrateful of the life granted to me. If I first thought that I had suffered so much pain, now my pains seem very small if compared to the existence of my Krum. He asked me not to leave him, to stay by his side and now I understand his fear; the fear of being abandoned and rejected, as he was when he was a child. Who knows how you feel to be sold by your family for a bit of money, exploited by the people that should protect you, by those who should love you unconditionally. Krum doesn’t know love or respect for the others and I now understand why, even though this doesn’t justify his often excessive behaviors. Or maybe it does?
I massage my temple in search of clarity. Maybe, it is true that a passion can make you weak and consume you internally as it can make you strong and indestructible. Now I feel that my passion for Krum is molding my armor and is giving me courage and determination. I suffer no pain anymore, I'm only aware of my past, of what was needed to bring me here and I feel strong and confident, because if there is one thing that Krum brought in my life, that is certainly courage. He made me strong, gave me the determination I needed to face him and so he erased all my weaknesses.
I pace back and forth in this room that no longer feels like a prison. If I stay, I have to deal with unscrupulous people, who have established their dictatorship; dictatorship that my father helped to create. After all, I have no proof of the illegality of this secret society. As far as I know it could really be a group of people that stay together in order to preserve its wealth. But if seven years ago, they acted like they did with me, I certainly cannot trust these people and their future intentions.
I have Krum, so I feel strong and protected, I can face the Father and spit in his face my “I have no intention of becoming a member of the Sect.”
Krum says I cannot refuse and if I cannot exempt myself from this obligation, what are the consequences? One time they kidnapped me, when my father tried to rebel. Today, what would they do?
There is only one way to find out and I decide to leave my room to assert my voice in front of Leonardo. Nobody can force me to do anything and repeating it is the only way I have to turn the page on this whole story.
I serenely go down the stairs, for the first time I don’t feel someone's eyes on me. It's as if everyone knew I would stay, as if it was obvious. I know where to find the Father and go straight to his office, hoping not to be intimidated by his pretentious look. This time, I will be the one expecting something, even if expecting to have the right to do what I want is a pretty absurd concept.
I come to the door of the Father's office and see that it's not completely closed, I can hear voices. Two voices: his and Krum's. I'm about to knock when my fist stops in the air and my ear tends to listen better.
“She only knows that she was kidnapped to keep Livori under control,” Krum says.
“Never, Krum, she must never know of that night. If she finds out that the Sect decided about her father's life…”
“She'll never find out.”
I take a breath and it sticks in my throat, choking me. I'm petrified, stunned by a single sentence said by that man, who I know, with certainty, is the Devil in person.
“Let her have a bit of fun, take her out if you want.”
“Okay.”
I hear Krum's steps beating on the marble. My feet automatically run away alarmed, as if they already knew they could catch the Devil.
I start running. I don’t know where to. Tears cover my face and run across my skin driven by speed. I cry silently, staring at the space in front of me, I don’t have a destination and I don’t want to have one, I just want to disappear and plunge into an infinite hole so I don't feel this smell of death on me anymore. My father… my dad! It was not enough to kidnap me, no, they had to eliminate him. My life was all a staging, played by this Sect that has had decided everything.
I cannot stay here a minute longer, I cannot tolerate the presence of my father's murderers, and I’ll never be part of them, even if they threaten to take my own life.
My mind is a mess, thoughts intertwine over each other. I see Krum in that damn garage, his hands pulling my hair, his furious and evil eyes. He is like this: he is cruel, there is no other explanation. Life has taken everything from him and he wants to take everything from others. That's why he wants everything, to destroy anything touched by his hands.
He's destroying me.
He has already destroyed me, rebuilt me and destroyed me again. It will never end.
There is no redemption for such a man and I also deserve to burn in hell to have thought for a moment to justify him. He's wicked. That's it.
I run through these halls, looking for a small place where I can cry by myself, where I can scream without being heard. I hear voices coming from the kitchen and recognize in them a source of salvation. When I go in, I see a man setting boxes of food on the marble shelf. He says that the requested food has arrived and that he's unloading the van.
My mind suddenly activates, logic reappears and the spirit of survival prevails in me; putting aside the pain that has pushed me here. I dry the tears and introduce myself, drawing everyone's attention. Some housekeepers are arranging food in the cupboards. I look at the big open window facing the courtyard and my eyes light up when I see the delivery van.
“Do you need anything, Miss Livori?” The usual woman, the one who seems more vigilant than the others, blocks my way. The other housekeeper has left the kitchen and we are just me and her. The delivery man salutes and is about to leave, about to get in the van and leave, taking with him the only chance I have to leave the Temple without being noticed.
“Oh, yes, well…” I stutter. “Mr. Andolfi has asked for you.”
She should rush to him, I think. My hands are sweating.
“What does he need?” With the tail of my eye, I see the vendor closing the van's doors. I have to hurry.
“I don’t know, he asked for you personally.”
She looks at me skeptical, but then she goes and runs toward the kitchen exit. I'm alone and I move, I run to the outside porch and I call the delivery man who leans out of the window right away.
“H-hi, can you… can you do me a favor?”
“Tell me, Miss.”
“I need to go to town and there is no one who can accompany me, can you give me a lift?”
I have my heart hammering my poor chest. Sooner or later it will break irreparably.
“Of course, jump in.”
My God, thank you.
I jump in fast and sit beside the delivery man who is unaware of who I am. The trembling decreases as I sink into the seat. Only when the gates of the Temple close behind us, I take a breath of relief and I think I have succeeded. I look at the Temple from the rearview mirror, thinking of what I've lost, of what I've left and I feel I have forgotten a part of me there, though maybe I didn’t bring it with me deliberately.
Krum has wounded me in inconceivable ways and if I was able to forgive what he did to me, I’ll never forgive him now that I know they killed my father.
Forgiveness no longer exists. It cannot be forgotten.
The delivery man kindly drives me home. I thank him and run to ring the doorbell of my house. I cannot believe I'm running in my garden, headed to the door I saw fading away from me just a few days ago.
When I run in, mom runs to me in tears. She's always perfect in her clothes, she doesn’t look like a woman whose daughter was kidnapped for the second time. I let her hug me for a few seconds, but I don’t show affection, I'm too sorrowful and confused. Certainly my body cannot forgive her silence, absence and indifference.
“I have to go,” I say, as tears go down silently.
“Honey, I'm so sorry, let's talk.” She is visibly moved too, but I don’t care.
“I have no time, I must go.” I pull my hand away from hers, but she holds on to me. “Mom!” I shout. “I must go or they'll come back to get me.”
“Where are you going? I don’t understand, I don’t…”
“What do you want to understand?”
I know I'm unfair and I'm screaming at her. She may not know or has distorted information, but I don’t have the strength to stay there to talk to her as my only need is to run away before Krum returns and takes me away. She looks at me distressed, puzzled by my tones. Her eyes, so similar to mine and veiled with sadness, are silently begging me to forgive her. I calm down, swallow and try to get what I want. I need to run away.
“I don’t have anything against you,” I say calmly, sticking my nose up. “Now I have no time to talk, I have to leave or they'll come back to take me away. I cannot go with them, Mom, I can't.”
“What did they do?”
“To me, nothing.” I won’t tell her about dad. If there is one thing I've learned is to keep the secrets of the Sect. The less that is said and known, the safer you are.
“Where are you going?” Mummy's question tells me that she understands perfectly my need and I appreciate that she doesn’t ask any more questions.
“I don’t know, mom, I'll get some things, I'll get a phone and I'll call you when I decide.”
“Wait!”
Her heels are tapping down the corridor leading to dad's office; I follow her with my eyes and wait for her on the doorstep, with an incessant trembling. I look at the door with the terror of seeing it pulverized to the ground by Krum's shoulder coming to take me away. I cannot imagine what he'll do when he finds out I ran away.
Mom comes back with things in her hand. I look at her puzzled, but then she calms me with her quiet voice and at the same time full of an uncontrolled fear.
“These are the keys to the lodge in Cortina. Go and stay there for a while, just enough time to look for another place. Take my phone and some cash; don’t use credit cards and call me every day. I recommend, short phone calls.”
She hands me the keys, cell and a bunch of cash, that I think it is enough to support me for a lifetime.
“Mom…”
“It's ok. Your father used to do it, too,” she says, caressing me. “I'm sorry, darling. The Sect is dangerous and rejecting the Sect is…”
“You know?” I stop her in disbelief. Tears prevent me from seeing how her lips are trembling. My chest is officially torn.
“I imagined it, Ambra. I've always thought that your daddy's desire for justice had led him to death. I couldn't stop your being summoned. I didn’t rebel only because I knew that if you hadn't accepted or run away… they would have… Oh!” Mom's voice breaks and swallows the knot she has in her throat, that knot entwined years ago when my dad reported all the secrets of the Sect. “I've always known everything,” she confirms my doubts, “but I could never do anything, so I thought the only way would be to let you go to them. If you had become a member of the Sect, you would have been safe; if you had never discovered anything, you wouldn't have tried to rebel and nobody would threaten to hurt you. But now you know and who am I to tell you to go back to them and join the same group that took your father from us? You're like him, just like him.” Her tears become a river and I join in her tears, releasing in her arms all the anger I have inside.
“I can get out of it,” I reassure her. “I'll do it for me, for you and for Dad.”
“Now go, I'll send you all you need.”
“Don’t tell anyone where I am.”
“Never!”
“If a certain Krum comes…”
“Krum?”
“Yes, mom. He's a dangerous man, be careful. If he comes to look for me, you try to calm him down. Don’t tell him where I am. In case, call me and let me talk to him, okay?”
“Okay!”
Mom takes my face in her hands and smiles proudly. I know I am like dad and in this moment I feel exactly like him, outraged by a cruel fate, but crippled and willing to mould him on me as it should be. We are the creators of our destiny, there is nothing that can change the road we chose. If we decide to be someone in particular, that is what we'll be in life. There will be no minds plotting for us, there will be no eyes watching for us, nor mouths speaking for us.
There will be just us.
Now, there is only me.