October 9th 2015
I should be reading. I should be absorbing the material. Instead, I’m tapping my pen against my book at a staccato pace.
Kira lets out a huff and draws her legs off mine, pulling my eyes up to her.
“Learning anything over there, other than how many times you can tap that pen in a minute?”
I stop moving my fingers, silencing the sound which I now realize was probably annoying. Can’t help it though. I’ve got nervous energy to burn and it’s my only outlet.
“What are we doing this weekend?” She asks as she stands, then stretches her arms up into the air. A small squeak leaves her, but I can’t take my gaze off the smooth skin her raised shirt reveals.
I’m a few more ticks from pouncing her, my body searching out another outlet even though we had sex an hour or two ago.
“I’ve got to go to my Mom’s tomorrow.”
Then hopefully my nerves will calm down.
It’s finally time. I get to meet the girl, to see if it’s true, to gain evidence to prove she’s my sister.
“Yeah? Okay, I’ll go with you.”
“No.” The word jumps from my mouth before I can stop it.
Words before thought are never good. My heart hammers in my chest at both fear of her going with me and fear of her reaction from one little word.
Her brow furrows. “No?”
I blow out a breath and reach out to pull her back down. I place my hands on her thighs, but it doesn’t lessen her laser glare. The lack of relaxation and tense muscles makes me curse myself for not anticipating her response.
“We’ve got to talk over court stuff and I’m taking a bunch of shit over. It’s not that I don’t want to take you, but next time and every time after that, baby.”
“Oh, now you’re going to ‘baby’ me? What’s going on, Brayden?”
Shit. Shit. Fuck.
Lying to Kira is something I really don’t want to do, even one that in the end will help everyone in our family. Just a little longer. I need more. The phone records and conversations, the GPS tracker info, I have aren’t enough. I need to nail his ass.
Sure, he wasn’t with Sonia when he fucked his cousin, resulting in my sister, but I know the information along with the rest will be what I need to convince her to get away from him.
“Nothing. I just have some personal stuff to go over with my mom.”
“Personal stuff.”
“I’ll be back Sunday morning.”
“Sunday?”
There’s a tone to her voice I don’t like and need to diffuse. “I can probably come back the same day.”
“What were you planning on doing Saturday night? Or who?”
“What the fuck, Kira? Who? That’s insecure fucked up shit there.”
“I’m just saying, it’s a little weird.”
“I can’t just spend some time with my mom, who is helping me out a fuck ton because of that fucking fight over you?”
She crosses her arms over her chest. Fuck. “So it’s my fault?”
“Jesus. I can’t fucking not upset you right now. I’ve got stuff to go over with my mom, legal stuff, court dates. I need this shit behind me. Pay my debt to society or what the fuck ever and move on. The sooner this shit is done, the sooner we can leave.”
“Where are we going?”
“I don’t know, baby, but think about it and we’ll talk about it more when I get back.”
She doesn’t respond more than just a humming sound that makes my skin crawl. It’s not a good sign, but I can’t worry about that right now.
I’ll fill her in, tell her everything, when the time is right.
My gut is twisted the entire drive from Columbus to my mom’s in Indianapolis. It would be anyway at the impending meeting of a little girl who could be my sister, but even more so thanks to the way I left things with Kira.
She’s pissed, and I get why, because I did lie to her. I just hate that she actually thought the reason might be because of another girl.
Well, it technically is, but she’s twelve and shares half my DNA.
I pull into Mom’s driveway and get out. The house is at the end of row of townhomes that are three stories high, and overlooks a pond. The front door is unlocked, and I curse internally, making a mental note to talk to her about that. She lives in a safe area, but she needs to make sure the door stays locked. I have a key, she doesn’t need to unlock it for me.
I take the steps up two at a time to the second floor, the first mostly occupied by the garage. She’s standing at the kitchen island, sipping on a cup of what is probably her third cup of coffee for the day.
“Hey, Mom.” I wrap my arms around her and kiss the top of her head.
“Hi, my baby.”
It feels so good to hug her. Mom is my constant comfort and companion. She knows a lot of my secrets and how to get them out of me. The only person who I can talk freely with about my feelings. About the ones I have trouble admitting to myself, let alone anyone else.
“How’s school going?” She asks as we move to the family room. It’s open concept, so about ten feet from where she was standing.
I plop down on her couch and nod. “Going good.”
“Keeping your grades up?”
I shake my head and try to keep a straight face. “Nope, failing everything.”
“So, you’re on the Dean’s list?”
I shrug. “The semester isn’t over, but it looks like it.”
“Good. How’s Kira?”
“She’s good. We had a small hiccup, but things are good.”
She raises a brow. “A hiccup?”
“A misunderstanding of what she is to me, what type of relationship we’re in.”
“I’m sure it’s difficult for her. She’s more sensitive to the situation than you are.”
“Are you calling me an insensitive jerk?” I ask.
She lets out a chuckle as she takes another sip. “No, I’m calling you a man. You want what you want, when you want it, and don’t give a crap what other people think.”
“True.”
“But your love for her alters that, and that’s where you’re different from your father.”
Comparisons to my father are pretty standard for my life, but considering how many of his traits I possess, I’ve gotten used to it. It’s nice when the attribute is in contrast to his.
“How so?”
“Your father only cares about himself. He puts himself first and everyone else second. Whereas you put Kira first. You always have, even when it wasn’t necessarily the right move for her.”
I nod, and stare down at my hands. “So where are we meeting them?”
“We’re going to their apartment.”
“Where is that?”
“It’s close. Carrie wanted Emily to go to a good school.”
Carrie. It’s not surprising that I don’t remember her, but I’ll admit I’m nervous as fuck to see her.
“Cookies?” I ask.
Her lip twitches. “Nerves or do you just want a cookie?”
“Nerves.”
“Is it that bad?” she asks.
“Because if Emily is my sister, how many other children has that asshole fathered and denied? And how do I find them?”
She smiles at me. “You have such compassion. You have no idea how proud that makes me.”
“It’s a trait I thankfully got from you.”
Once done with her coffee, Mom moves to the kitchen to rinse her mug off. My leg is bouncing and my gaze locked on nothing, but my mind is. A cyclone of thoughts and what-ifs and possible outcomes.
Color moves in front of my vision, forcing my eyes to focus again. It’s a dark brown cookie that I greedily snatch from her.
“My precious cookie.”
She laughs. “Of course I made you some.”
Molasses cookies. Mom’s molasses cookies. They’re my crack. I would say they’re my kryptonite, but that’s Kira. Though we were Marvel lovers, who didn’t love DC’s Superman?
I nibble on the edge of the cookie in both a nervous gesture and as a way to savor the flavor. Crumbling it away until there’s nothing but a bite left, and pop that into my mouth.
“Can I have a dozen more?”
“No, but when we get back I’ll send some home with you.”
She’s got her keys in hand, purse on her shoulder, signaling she’s ready to go. I blow out a breath and stand.
When we get down to the garage, I run over to my car and pull out my backpack. We take her car, and my leg bounces the entire time.
“Did Dan call you?” Mom asks once we’re out of her development.
I nod. “Yeah. He seems hopeful. I’ve already talked to my teachers. I just hate that this takes so long.”
I’m thankful that my legal issues will be settled soon. One less stress on me.
“I know I don’t need to reiterate it, but . . .”
“No more fuck-ups. Got it.”
“Well, I suppose that’s a good way of saying stay out of trouble.”
While driving we move through newer developments, fading into older, until we reach the center of the small city and its much older section.
It’s here, in one of the side streets, that Mom pulls up to a small two story brick building. It’s not a house, but a small apartment building with a few units that looks like it’s sitting on the lot of an older home that may have burned down.
The brick building is plain with no exterior detail. Basic.
I blow out another breath as I climb out of the car and toss my bag over my shoulder.
“1A,” Mom says as she glances around for the numbers.
Rusted with the A upside-down, we head down the broken and heaved concrete. Mom reaches out and knocks on the door and my heart begins to fly in my chest.
Seconds later the handle twists and the door swings open.
Time stops. My eyes go wide, locked on to the exact same shade as my own.
“Hello,” she says, a big smile lighting up her face.
His smile.
“Emily, who’s there?”
“It’s nurse Abby and a cute boy!”
A short brunette appears behind her. “Abby! Oh, jeez, is it noon already? Please, come in.” Emily’s mom, Carrie, ushers us with a rag in her hand.
She’s not what I expect, but even I’m not sure what that is. Petite with brown eyes and matching her hair. I study her, trying to see any familial resemblance, but it’s difficult.
Her face is round, not square, lips in the classic cupid’s bow. She’s pretty, but plain, and I can see the years of hardship etched into her features.
Stepping into their home is like a gut punch. It’s a minimalistic style, but I have a feeling not by choice. None of the furniture matches, every piece looking like garage sale leftovers. It’s the basics: couch, coffee table, small dining room table with four mismatched chairs.
I glance at Mom who plasters a smile on her face. Does it bother her to be here? Standing with a woman my father fucked while they were married?
A woman who’s his cousin.
How could this woman sleep with her own cousin?
I try my best to refrain judgement, because I have a sinking suspicion it might not have been a choice.
I stare at my mother again. It’s more likely she genuinely wants to help them and screw my father over at the same time.
Maybe I got my vindictiveness from her. Compassion is her core, but you don’t piss my mom off.
“Wow, Brayden, you’ve grown so much since the last time I saw you,” Carrie says. Her posture is stiff and she holds out her hand, then drops it, seemingly unsure how to welcome me in this mess.
My mouth opens to ask when that was, but I immediately shut it. About thirteen years ago, when Emily was created.
Emily’s arms wrap around my waist with a force that jostles me from the unexpected attack.
“Emily! You don’t do that to strangers.” Carrie chastises.
“But he’s not a stranger. He’s my brother, isn’t he?”
I ruffle her hair and smile down at her. “I hope so.”
She beams back at me and when I glance back up to Carrie, she’s got her hand over her mouth and tears filling her eyes. “I didn’t tell her that. I told her she might have a brother, but I didn’t tell her your name or that you were Abby’s, I swear.”
There’s a panic filling her. Almost like she’s trying to diffuse an accusatory situation.
Looking back to Emily, who’s still locked on to me, I tickle her side, making her squeak. “It’s the eyes, isn’t it?”
She nods, the ear-to-ear grin still lighting up her face. “They’re like emeralds.”
“I may be your brother, is that okay?”
The nod picks up in speed. “It would be awesome! I’ve always wanted a sibling.”
Carrie pulls one of the dining table chairs over and motions for us to sit on the couch. Emily plops down between us, her thin body like a rail.
“Where to start?” Carrie says with a nervous laugh.
The whole situation is a bit awkward and I’m doing everything I can to relieve the tension I know we’re all feeling. I know what it’s like for me, but what has she been through?
“How about the beginning?”
“Right. The beginning. That’s a good place.” She blows out a steadying breath. “Well, I’m the youngest child from the youngest sibling, whereas your father is the second oldest of all of us.” She gives a small smile. “I was only twenty when Emily was born.”
The math flies through my mind and I curse under my breath. She’s only thirty-two.
“You’re younger than my father was when he . . .” My hands start shaking and I have to lace my fingers together to get it to stop. He was thirty-five at the time. “How?”
“Everyone has their own version of what happened that day.”
“Everyone?” I ask.
She nods. “Your father. My parents. Me.”
“What’s your version?”
She glances to Emily whose brow is scrunched up in another facial characteristic of my father. “Baby, why don’t you go play in your room for a little while?”
“But I don’t want to. I wanna stay here.”
Her small hand grabs onto my arm and I wonder how much she knows or understands of what’s going on. She’s not a small child, she’s in seventh grade.
“Just for a few minutes, sweetie, then we can go get some lunch,” Mom says to her with a warm smile.
“Okay.” Emily gets up and trudges to her room.
When she hears the click, Carrie starts in with the story. “It started with me trying to sneak some booze from behind the bar at the family reunion in 2002. Steve had been watching me the whole night.”
“You weren’t the only one. With so many people, I don’t even remember you being there,” Mom says.
Carrie nods. “He made sure we didn’t interact, but I think he forgot we’d been introduced the year before, and I knew right away who you were. Anyway, I was trying to sneak that drink and he noticed. He pulled me into an empty room and handed me his drink. Being one of my older cousins, I trusted him, completely.”
I don’t like the way her tone dips or the fact that she had to point out that she trusted him.
“Two drinks later, the world was spinning and I felt so weak. He starts getting a little touchy feely. He rubbed his hands up my arms, telling me how I’d blossomed into such a beautiful woman.”
I almost can’t remain in my seat. My heart pounds with disgust and rage. “He drugged you?”
She nods her head, her face twisted in what I can only guess as a mixture between embarrassment and pain. “When he kissed me, I managed to pull back and asked him if he was crazy. Told him we couldn’t do that, we were cousins and he was married. But he was persistent and I . . . I just didn’t have the strength to fight him back.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see my mom cover her mouth with her hand. Her eyes are shining with horrified tears.
“He drugged you and raped you,” I whisper, trembling from head to fucking toe.
I shouldn’t be surprised.
I shouldn’t.
I am. I’m shocked.
Heartbroken.
“Is it really rape when I didn’t really fight back?” Carrie whispers tearfully.
“It is. It fucking is,” I hiss under my breath. I have my fingers laced together so tight that my knuckles crack from the pressure. This is a story I don’t want to hear but need to, and then go find something heavy to bash his skull in with.
“The most I could do was beg him to please pull out once he was finished. He swore he would.”
Of course, he lied.
My stomach turns. Even in my time using girls to get off, I never did anything like that. Shit like that is fucked up.
“I wish I could say that I hated it, that he raped me, but no matter what anyone says, I can’t fully go with that version of the story. I just lay back and let him. And even worse, I didn’t feel disgust until later on.”
“When the drug left your system, Carrie,” my mom says softly.
“He drugged and assaulted you, Carrie, and it wasn’t right.” The words are strained, hissing out from between my clenched teeth. “You couldn’t stop him. He made sure you were drunk and high. He was probably drunk too and was looking to nut off and you became his target.”
Fuck. How many girls has he roofied? Assaulted?
I have to believe this is an isolated case. I have to. If I don’t, I’m going to go mad at the reality of who my father is.
Besides, someone would have reported him if there had been more. Right?
“And you fit his type perfectly.” Mom’s gaze, which had locked on the coffee table, moves to Carrie. “Young, pretty, and not to sound mean, but were probably putting off a desperate for attention vibe.”
I nod in agreement. “His M.O. He preys on the weak and lonely. You can’t blame yourself for what happened.”
Carrie reaches up and swipes a few tears from her face. “I wish it was that easy. The problem is, everything that happened after that. When I found out I was pregnant . . . my parents threw me out. The rumors flew after that. People called me a whore, even people I didn’t know. I had to get out of the area.”
“Is that when you moved here?” I ask.
Carrie nods. “No money, college drop out, and no support. It’s been hard, but I’ve managed.”
“Brayden?” Mom reaches out to me but I jump up from the couch. I know she can tell just how close to the edge I am.
Would I kill my own father if it wasn’t against the law?
Hell. Fucking. Yes.
Guess we’re both monsters.
My lip curls up in a fight to rein my anger in. “I want to make sure he pays for it, monetarily as well as his beloved reputation.”
Carrie shakes her head. “I don’t want him to ever see her. He hasn’t in twelve years.”
Mom leans forward and takes Carrie’s hand. “With the results showing paternity you’ll be able to get some financial support you desperately need to give Emily what she deserves, but there is the chance the court could grant him visitation. Whether he chooses to use that visitation or not is unknown.”
“He won’t.”
Mom turns to me and quirks her brow. “And you know this?”
“I lived with him for two years in high school and he didn’t give a shit about me or what I was doing. He just cared about the next woman he was going to fuck. That bastard doesn’t give two shits about anyone but himself, just like you said.”
“Jesus, Brayden. Language.”
Carrie’s eyes are wide as she looks at me. “I take it things aren’t good between you two.”
I shake my head. “You have no idea how many fist fights were narrowly avoided over the last few years. Once all this is done, once he’s divorced from Sonia, I will never speak to him again.”
“He doesn’t sound like the type of man I want anywhere near my daughter, even if she is his.”
“Have you talked to him at all?” I ask. There’s no doubt in my mind Emily is my sister, the physical evidence is strong. Even with Carrie and my father being blood relations, Carrie and I have very little resemblance.
I’m convinced Emily got her looks directly from my father.
She nods. “It’s been over a decade. I called him when I found out I was pregnant, but he said he didn’t care, that she was my ‘problem’ to deal with. When she was born, I called him again and let him know I was putting him down as the father. He got angry, said it wasn’t him, called me a slut. I tried to get him to take a paternity test so I could prove it to him, but he refused to consent.”
Which is why I’m here. “I guess he thought we’d never meet.”
She nodded. “He threatened me that if I continued to pursue it he’d have Emily taken from me.”
I grind my teeth together, anything to keep the anger at bay. Carrie’s place is sparse but clean and I don’t need to be making any messes for her by fucking up the walls with my fists.
“And without a support system or money, I couldn’t risk it. Emily is all I have.”
She has support now and I’m going to make sure she buries him.
“I think it’s time.”
Carrie nods. “I’ll go get—”
“No, I’ll get her,” I say, interrupting her.
There’s a small hallway that separates the living spaces with the bedrooms. The two rooms are then separated by a bathroom.
I glance to the left and through the open door to one of the bedrooms. It’s just a mattress on the floor with a dresser. No decorations and only a few small knickknacks on the top of the dresser.
With a small push the door to the other bedroom swings open. I see then where any of Carrie’s extra money goes. Emily’s room doesn’t have a lot, but it has the only matching furniture in the house. There’s also some toys and games and a small television, along with the dozen stuffed animals on the pink covered bed.
Emily is Carrie’s whole life. Everything she does is for her.
The only thing that stops me from falling to my knees and breaking down in front of this little girl is that I’m her older brother. The grown up.
She’s never had a dad. The least I can do is remain strong for her.
“Hi,” Emily says, her bright smile beaming at me from the floor.
It’s contagious and I find myself smiling back as I kneel down next to her.
“What are you doing?”
She flips the pages of a very large book and it takes me a second to realize it’s a photo album.
“I wanted to show you what you’ve missed.”
What I’ve missed.
Damn, talk about ruthless. She doesn’t mean anything about it, she’s excited to show me her past, but it is just another thing glaring at me, screaming at me this is what he denied you.
Not just me, but her as well. He denied us, denied family.
“You know what? Why don’t we wait on this for next time? Then I can bring my book and we can share.”
She nods. “I’d like that. I especially like that it means I’ll see you again.”
“Me too.”
Her excitement over me, an essential stranger, kills me. A fucking knife in my chest and a pang of guilt that I don’t understand.
I hope I’m not leading her on. I hope the test shows what I know in my gut to be the truth.
Especially because while I look at her, I’m understanding more and more what Ryan feels for Kira. The emotion is a tight band around my throat and chest.
“Come on,” I stand and hold both of my hands out.
She slips hers in and I pull, rocketing her off the floor with all my strength.
The high pitched laugh that comes out of her is almost lyrical, and she’s still giggling when we go back out to the living room.
“What were you two doing?” Carrie asks with a smile as she pulls Emily to her side.
Mom’s smiling at me as I sit back down, her hand patting my knee in a very “good boy” gesture.
“It’s a secret,” I say
“Oh really?” Carrie’s lip twitches.
Emily nods. “It’s a sibling thing.”
“Speaking of . . .” I pull my bag in front of me and pull at the zippers. From inside I retrieve the package that arrived a week ago. “Sibling paternity test from an accredited lab that is trusted in court.”
In my hand is the way to get help for them. In my hand is more proof and another step to get Sonia to leave him. In my hand is the key to ending one family and opening up to another.
Mom takes the box from me and pulls out the contents. She studies the instructions just to make sure we get it right, even though I know she knows what to do. Leave no room for debate due to a contaminated or incorrectly processed test.
I even put the charge on the bastard’s credit card. He was paying for this just like he’s going to pay for everything else.
A swap of Emily’s cheek, then mine, and for extra measure and clearer results, Mom and Carrie, and it’s done.
Something so simple. A little bit of DNA taken in the most innocuous way, is all that’s needed for something so momentous.
“Once the results are in and show that Brayden and Emily share a father, I have a family lawyer friend who is also willing to help you out pro-bono,” Mom says as she packages the tubes containing our swabs into the box provided.
Carrie blinks at her. “What?”
Mom smiles. “Steven has already made things financially challenging on you and this shouldn’t add to it.”
“I don’t know, Abby. You’ve done so much for us and now this? After what happened?”
“You weren’t a mistress, knowingly and with purpose pursuing my husband. You were taken advantage of, raped.” Mom stands and picks up her purse. “I think it’s time for lunch.”
“I can’t thank you enough. All of this, being accepted versus us shunned.” Tears begin to roll down Carrie’s cheeks. “It means so much that you believe me.”
“It’s pretty obvious,” I say as I stand. “I know what the test is going to say, and it means so much to me as well.” I look over at Emily. “I want to know all of my family, and he’s refused me that.”
Carrie stares at me, her brow crinkled. “You think there are more, don’t you?”
I nod. “Before Emily I had no clue I had any siblings, but after hearing your story and knowing his ways, I’m pretty sure there are more. The hard part is finding them, if they exist. I don’t know if it will ever happen, but I’ll keep looking.”
“Do you hate him that much?” she asks.
My brow furrows as I stare at her. “I do, but that’s not why. I was the lucky one, because I grew up with the support you desperately needed for Emily. I can’t stand thinking about how I may have other siblings and not knowing them. Screwing my father over more is just icing on the cake. Making him own up to what he’s done, to the lives he’s harmed.”
“But . . . he gave me Emily.”
I shake my head. “Don’t build him up to be anything more than a conniving sperm donor. He had one focus, Carrie, and he had absolutely not a care for you or your wellbeing. And he harmed Emily by denying her a better life and most of all by denying her me. Because unlike him, I will be there for her. Unlike him, I will protect her.”
Carrie jumps up and wraps her arms around me, nearly knocking me down. Her body shakes with sobs as she cries against my neck.
“Thank you, Brayden.”
I pat her back for a minute, then pull away. “I’ll get this sent out on Monday. The instructions say it’ll take a couple of weeks to get back. I’ll come back when they do.”
She smiles at me and nods as we move to walk out the door.
It was an emotion filled hour and I’m drained. We still have lunch, and I may have to crash at Mom’s before I head home.
“So who is this lawyer you know?” I ask Mom after we drop Carrie and Emily back at home.
Mom is silent for a few beats too long. “He’s a friend.”
I turn in the seat. “What kind of friend?”
She ignores me again, pretending she’s concentrating on driving. “He’s a friendly friend.”
“Is he your boyfriend?”
“Brayden, I don’t think—”
“No.” I interrupt her. “It’s an easy answer, Mom.”
She sighs. “I suppose he is.”
“Suppose?” What kind of answer is that?
“We went on our first date a few weeks ago. Our schedules clash a lot, so we haven’t gone out that much.”
“How did you meet?”
“A common friend’s party last year,” she says.
“And you just now went out on a date?”
“We were friends for a while, and things just changed.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Why are you giving me the third degree on this?” she asks. “I’m an adult and can date a man.”
“Yes, you can, but I want to meet him.”
She shakes her head and smiles. “Heaven help if you ever have a daughter. Poor girl will never get a date.”
“Damn right.”
It is an automatic response, and one that stuns me.
Kids were never a thought because I made it that I was never going to fall in love. That things like relationships and marriage were for other people.
But things have changed. Things that were once a never are becoming my new ideal future.
Kira is my future. I want to be cemented to her forever. For the first time in my life marriage isn’t a never. My own family isn’t a never.
I want a life with Kira. I want everything with her.
Now to make it happen.