WILL
“Tess, open up.” I rapped on the door. She’d already been shut inside there when I’d come home last night after the Sand and Slam, and even though she’d made a point of banging and slamming around to let me know she was furious, I hadn’t seen her since. I’d decided to give her time to cool off. Let her sleep on it.
But enough was enough. We needed to hash this thing out. “We need to talk,” I said through the door. “About what happened . . . last night at the party.”
I thought maybe she’d keep up the whole silent treatment thing some more. Keep me in the dark.
But then I heard scuffling, which I took as a good sign because it wasn’t slamming, and the door unlocked. I waited for it to open, but when I realized that wasn’t going to happen, I let myself in.
She was there, sitting on the edge of our mom’s bed.
I hadn’t been in this room since I’d been back home, and I was guessing Tess hadn’t spent much time in here either.
Not much had changed over the years though. Everything was exactly as I remembered: the bedspread, the sunny yellow curtains, even the oil painting of the beach that my mom had painted when she was in college was still hanging above her bed—she’d passed on her love of the ocean to my sister and me. Her dresser was something straight out of the seventies, dark carved wood with gold leaf handles. And on the top of the dresser were the ceramic bowls and popsicle stick boxes and seashell necklaces that Tess and I had made for her when we were kids. There was even the same collection of framed family photos. And all of it was covered in dust. A whole lot of dust.
Tess’s eyes were red and raw as she watched me absorb the room. “I miss her too,” I admitted, picking up a picture of the three of us, when Tess had been the fattest baby known to man. Mom cradled the chubby infant in her arms. I wiped away the layer of film that concealed our mother’s face.
“Why weren’t you here?” Tess asked, and I almost buckled beneath the weight of my own guilt. That was the million-dollar question, wasn’t it? The one behind all of Tess’s sullen moods and quiet stares. Finally—finally—she was putting it out there. “Why didn’t you come home when we needed you?”
Fuck.
I’d been such a dick. Then and now.
At first, after the accident, everything had been scrambled—not just in my head, but in my whole life. I really thought I’d heal, maybe do a little rehab, and get back on my board again. Pick back up where I left off.
Compete again.
And that’s what I tried. Not just once, but again and again.
But every time I went in the water, it was . . . wrong.
At first I blamed the injury. I tried to tell myself it was only physical, that my balance was off and I just needed more time to recover, which was really just an excuse to party more. To drink more.
And when that wasn’t working, when my body—and even my memory—healed and I couldn’t use that as an excuse, I told myself enough was enough. Everything was better.
But it wasn’t.
That’s when I realized that the real problem wasn’t physical. It was in my head. It was me—I was scared.
I’d lost something the day the waves had taken me down in Australia. The day I’d been slammed head first against the reef and lost consciousness.
The day I’d been airlifted to Sydney General Hospital.
I’d lost that fearlessness every surfer needs. Every good surfer, anyway.
Sure I could paddle out and get up, but I was no longer the savage I needed to be.
I didn’t give up, not right away. I entered some competitions to try to get my name back into the rankings. But I lost all of them, even the minor ones.
After a while, the sponsors backed out, and the girls, the ones who followed the circuit, stopped pursuing me. Eventually, the money dried up.
I stopped caring . . . about myself or anyone else.
When the call came in about my mom, I didn’t even listen to the voicemail. Tess was alone for weeks before I knew.
I’d never be able to undo that.
“I was so selfish. I didn’t know how to put anyone else first. How to care about anyone but me. But I’m here now, Tess. And I’m trying. This is uncharted water for me too.” I set the picture down and let out a breath. I had no clue how to talk to a teenager, let alone my own sister. “Last night . . .” I raked my fingers through my hair. “God, last night I wanted to kill that little fucker. Kid got off lucky; I shoulda knocked his teeth in.” Tess shot a glare at me, and I realized I’d screwed up again.
Damn, this was hard.
I settled down on the bed next to her and rested my shoulder against hers. “Wicked right hook, by the way.”
She finally cracked and looked up at me, flashing me a crooked grin. It was the best grin I’d ever seen. “Right? Mom taught me.”
“I know. She taught me too. Only I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean for you to break your brother’s nose with it.”
“Please,” she retorted. “Stop being such a baby, it’s not broken.”
I reached up and winced dramatically as I tested it. She was right. It wasn’t broken, but it still hurt like a mother. I wasn’t lying about her ability to land a punch. “Maybe not this time. But how ’bout next time, we try using our big-girl words?”
She let out a long, low sigh. “I’m sorry.”
I would’ve ribbed her, about the whole apology thing, but something told me this wasn’t the time. This was probably hard enough for her, admitting she was wrong. Instead, I nodded. “I suppose I could’ve handled things better myself. I shouldn’t have charged in like that. I wasn’t trying to embarrass you, you know?”
She nodded too, her eyes searching mine, and looking so much more grown-up than fifteen. “I know. I shouldn’t have sneaked out. I just . . .”
She faltered, but I knew, because I’d been fifteen once. “You wanted to go to the party. I get that. But we have to come to some sort of agreement. You gotta trust that I know some things, and one of those things is that you’re not quite ready for that yet. Especially when it comes to . . .” I kept picturing that guy with his hands all over my little sister, and I wanted to hunt him down and shove my fist down his throat. “Guys.”
“I’m not a child, you know? I know all about the birds and the bees.” She crossed her arms and raised one eyebrow at me. “I’ve got my own boobs and everything.”
I shot off the bed and covered my ears to block out the sound of her voice. “Okay, one, shut your mouth. There’ll be no more boob talk in this house. That goes for sex too.”
She beamed at me. “Got it. You’re not into boobs.”
I scowled down at her. “I like boobs just fine. But I’m not one of your girlfriends. We don’t need to braid each other’s hair or talk about Pinterest and shit.”
“Fine. This is officially a Pinterest-free zone. So, what’s number two?”
“Two is . . .” I deflated. She was the reason I was here. She was the reason for everything I was trying to accomplish. Tess was the reason I had to stay away from distractions like Lauren. I needed a clear head, which was the exact opposite of how I’d felt when I’d looked up and seen Lauren standing there at the pool today. Even in that ugly one-piece of hers she made me hard. How messed up was that, when Gracie and Jackson and the other kids had been counting on me to teach them to swim?
Yet I couldn’t stop picturing Lauren while she’d floated on top of the water at the pool as I’d had my hands on her. I wanted to peel her swimsuit off with my teeth.
I’d done the right thing when I’d told Lauren I couldn’t give her lessons anymore. It wasn’t just about my obligation to Tess. This had to do with the kids in my class. What kind of instructor would I be if I couldn’t even concentrate because all I was thinking about was Lauren, her skin all slippery and wet?
I couldn’t mess things up for Tess. “I got your back. I’ll try to be reasonable, but you need to know that every decision I make is because I love you, Tessie.”
She sprang up from the bed and practically suffocated me by wrapping her arms around me. “Aw. I love you too, you big softy.” It was the first time we’d hugged since we were kids, when Tess had toddled around after me, practically begging for me to acknowledge her existence.
Progress, I thought, not wanting to admit how much this small step meant to me.
“All right, all right,” I said, landing a decisive peck on her forehead. “What did I say about us not being girlfriends?” I pushed her away from me. “Whaddaya say we go grab us some shakes?” When she nodded, I added. “You just gotta give me your word you’ll stay outta trouble. I don’t think my heart can take much more of this.”