Chapter 14

 

~ ANNIE ~

 

 

“Reason #1: It’s unprofessional.”

“Reason #2: U might lose a valuable source of income.”

“Reason #3: U don’t know him well enough to tell him the truth.”

The trouble with having a best friend clear on the other side of the planet is that advice you desperately need appears on your phone at the most inopportune moments.

Like now. I frown, remembering the texts that came in just before Cam and I loaded Stella into his SUV to go to the luau.

It’s not Sam’s fault. She’s only following my instructions. Since that first glorious hormone flux I experienced in Cam’s presence, I reminded her of all the reasons I can’t get involved with someone I work for and told her to share them with me if things started to get messy.

Yet with so many time zones between us, maybe I should have tattooed those reasons on my arm. Then maybe I would have turned down Cam’s invitation for tonight.

It made sense to me—what he’d said to me last night—that he isn’t really my boss. His friend Lancaster is.

But it’s not Lancaster who answers the door when I arrive to babysit Stella. It’s also not Lancaster who sends my heart to my throat every time he writes my last name on a check or turns on the TV or is sitting at his computer only a few taps away from finding out the truth about me.

And if Cam finds out the truth, it’s not Lancaster who will tell me that he’s found a new babysitter, one who’s not considered to be America’s Top Homewrecker.

Yet it made sense at the time—only because just after the best orgasm of my life he could have told me that he was a shape-changing alien from outer space and I would have gone along with it.

My phone chimes again in the car as we drive to the luau and I switch it to vibrate only. Then, I feel another text come in when we arrive at the hotel, another one of the megaresorts like the Queen K that dot the west coast of Hawai‘i.

And again, I sense the vibration inside my purse as we eat a Polynesian-style feast of kalua pork and panko-encrusted fish.

So I turn the damn thing off completely.

I can say it’s because the show is about to start. But it’s really because I just can’t bear to see any more of my reasons I shouldn’t have sex with Cam.

I know how I want this evening to end.

That’s why I shaved my legs, my armpits, and even managed a nice landing strip that points just to where I want him the most. That’s what girls my age do. I have to remind myself these things sometimes after being a live-in nanny for so long and only managing to get sex when all the stars align on my days off.

And lately, that’s been a rare cosmic occurrence.

I know how I want this evening to end… which is why my body feels hot in places it simply shouldn’t when I’m walking out of the luau three hours later with an exhausted four-year-old.

But I’ve got this smoking hot former Ranger at my side.

He spares me a glance as he snaps her into her child seat.

Stella reaches up to touch his lei. “Why doesn’t yours have flowers?” she asks him, playing with the ti leaves that are draped over his neck.

“The girls get the flowers like yours and mine,” I tell her, lifting the plumeria blossoms to my nose and taking a long, intoxicating sniff. “The ones for the boys are sometimes made from leaves like your Uncle Cam’s. Or kukui nuts.”

“I’m glad I’m a girl,” she answers stoically.

“Me, too,” I agree.

Cam sends me a knowing look. “I’m glad you’re a girl too, Stella. And you, too, Annie,” he adds, sending me a hungry, sidelong look that makes my entire body blush.

Fen greets us at the door after the short drive home. “Hey, kiddo. How about I get you to bed while Uncle Cam drives Annie home?”

“Will you make helicopter noises when you read A is for Aircraft?”

“Of course,” he says, giving his brother an odd look and mumbling the words, “The kayak is mine,” as if it’s some kind of code.

Such a strange concept—brotherhood—I decide.

I get a hug from Stella before we head back to Cam’s car. And then, in those brief seconds after he’s shut my car door and is headed to the driver’s side, I do what I shouldn’t do if I want to get laid. I check my phone again. I scroll down three of the newest ones before my eyes rest on the last text from Sam.

“Reason #7: If he finds out about u after u have sex with him, it will look very, very, very bad.”

Damn her. When I gave her my list of reasons, I didn’t include the word very three times. I’m sure of it.

“U told me to remind u. Don’t hate me,” she adds.

No. I can’t hate her. I can hate myself. Because right now, I don’t care about Reason #1, or #2, or any of the others. And I sure as hell don’t give a crap about #7 just because I’m so tired of feeling like I’m carrying around the burden of someone else’s wrongdoings.

“This is really nice of you to drive me home,” I tell him as he searches for a parking space near my building.

“Anything to get you alone.”

He spots one about a half-block from my apartment and, facing the ocean, I can see the most glorious moon I’ve seen in my life. It’s huge and bright and reflects in the Pacific just like you might see on a postcard.

“Wow. Did you arrange for that moon to greet us when we arrived?” I ask.

“I wish I could say I did.” He unsnaps his seatbelt. “Because I’d do just about anything for you.” Leaning toward me, he brushes his hand against my cheek. I angle my face to taste him as he covers my mouth with his.

It stuns me what his kiss does to me, making desire swell inside me like a bubble of liquid glass under the breath of an expert glassblower. I feel hot and breakable and like I might shatter.

His touch is light, even tentative at first. Then he retreats barely an inch, making my body ache for more. I murmur a soft plea before I feel him again, his lips finally melding to mine the way I desire. His hands slide against my cheeks, then threading into my hair possessively, angling my chin so that I can taste him fully when his tongue dips into me.

 One hand diverts downward, the soft sweep of it against my side scorching my nerve endings, making my breath quicken. He touches my back, pulling me closer as he unclips my seat belt. I moan against him when I feel the pad of his thumb flick gently against my nipple as he pulls the seat belt from my chest.

He accepts my moan as the invitation it was intended to be, and kneads a breast. My muscles turn to putty, relaxing into his grasp even as my core simmers inside me. I savor the feel of his cleanly shaven face against me, the sound of his breath so close to me, and fill my lungs with a whiff of his aftershave… just as the vague new car scent in his SUV jostles free an emotion I’m trying to hide.

No, no. Not now.

Fueled by an intoxicating moon, I’m devoured by him, my body responding—heat against heat—even as my soul seems outside of myself, unable to stay in the moment.

Pulling me closer, I’m overpowered by him, my hands going limp as I drape my arms over his shoulders, trying to savor, just savor. My fingers dig into the thick muscles of his back, as though I’m clawing myself back to a reality that I desperately need.

 I block out the faint sound of a car door slam down the block, a familiar sound to me—one that takes me back to a moment I’ve buried. Until all I can hear in my brain is an echo from my past.

“I’m not paying you that kind of money to just take care of my kids.”

Someone’s headlights sweep across the interior of his car and then leave us again in near darkness, just dark enough for me to momentarily forget where I am and who I’m with. A gasp escapes me as my spine straightens.

“Are you okay, baby?”

Damn him for noticing.

“I’m fine,” I barely get the words out. I want this, I remind myself. But there’s a sheen of sweat on my chest and my heart is thundering behind my ribcage.

Fight or flight—just like Cam mentioned last night. Only with me, it’s always flight.

“I just need to get out of this car.” I grab the door handle and tug myself out, sucking in a breath of salty air as though I had been drowning in the ocean.

The car. It was just being in the car that did it. I’ll be fine now, I tell myself.

I stride to my apartment building on wobbly knees, as he catches up to me.

“What happened back there, Annie?”

“Nothing.” Yeah, right. Like he’s going to buy that. “I just don’t like doing that in cars, I guess. Makes me feel like I’m a teenager and sneaking out past curfew,” I add, trying to add some levity even though my head is spinning. I push the door to my building before he can even open it for me.

“Do you want to come inside?” I ask as I let him follow me down the hall, trying feebly to act as if nothing just happened back there.

“Uh, do you want me to?”

Only then do I realize how screwed up I must look to him, my hands shaking, my voice quivering. I stop in the middle of my hallway and dare to meet his eyes. “Yes.”

Yes. Don’t ask for more than that. Just come in and let’s forget this happened. Take me back to the blissful state I was in on that beach last night. Where there are no memories. Where there is no reason.

His mouth is open slightly as he seems to consider. “Annie, I don’t want to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”

“I don’t know what I’m comfortable with anymore, Cam.” My voice cracks as I say it, because those words weren’t supposed to slip out. Dammit, this is not the way I wanted to end this night.

“Hey.” At my door, he reaches for me and eases me close and it makes my heart snap in two.

I memorize the feel of it because something in me says this is the last time I’ll experience him against me like this.

“I don’t want you to feel pressured, Annie. You told me before you were uncomfortable with this. I should have listened.” He whispers it, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear, and letting his cheek rest gently against mine.

No. It’s not you. It’s not even us.

But I can’t say it.

“Look, Stella won’t be staying with me until she’s ready for college. Even though it feels like she might on some days,” he adds with a pensive chuckle. “Let’s just go back to the way things were and see where things lead after she’s gone.”

No, dammit. That’s not what I want. I want to forget the past. I want to make my present something actually worth living for a change. “Cam, I—”

“Besides, from the sound of it, you’ll probably have a full-time job at the Queen K soon. And I can fire you officially,” he adds with a cheeky grin, taking a single finger and drawing a light line up my neck till he curves it under my chin. “Though I’m tempted to just fire you for the night and hire you back tomorrow morning.”

“I’d be open to that.” Feeling my head return to my shoulders now that we’re out of that car, I even feel a smile sneak up the sides of my mouth. It feels good, like I’m just being tugged out of a bad dream into a more promising reality again.

“No.” He gives his head a single shake. “When I claim you for the first time, I don’t want you to have any kind of regret, Annie.”

He opens my door, and gives me a chaste kiss on the cheek, so achingly sweet.

“Thanks for coming with Stella and me tonight.”

“Thanks for having me. And thanks for…” My voice trails. Thanks for understanding? But he doesn’t understand. “… for letting me keep things professional,” I finish, remembering my Rule #1 that Sam texted me.

Professional. I’m feeling the furthest thing from professional as he responds with a nod and walks away from me.

Shutting my door, I slide down the interior of it and muffle my sobs until I know he’s out of my building. I hurt again inside, all over, just like I did in his car. It’s an ache that I can’t point to, one that comes from my very soul, filled with regret and anger and the kind of hate that makes people do stupid, irrational things.

The kind of hate that I promised I wouldn’t let touch me on this island.

I dig into my purse and call Sam.

Please pick up. Please pick up.

“Hey! I figured there was a seventy percent chance you’d be having wild monkey sex right now,” she answers.

And then the sobs pour from me as I tell her what happened. The perfect evening, the perfect man, and the perfect crash-and-burn after my night is shot down by a memory that won’t shake loose from my soul.

“Oh, crap, hon,” she breathes into the phone. “Cars are probably not the best place for you to kiss a guy, I guess.”

“Thanks for telling me that now,” I groan, wiping my nose on my arm and wishing this damn sundress had sleeves. I’m too tired to lift myself off the floor and get a proper tissue. “Sam, I don’t know what happened. It was like for an instant, I just flashed back and everything spiraled downward after that. And then he just assumed it was because I was uncomfortable being with him. You know, because he’s kind of my boss.”

“Are you? Uncomfortable, that is?”

“I guess. Maybe I wouldn’t have flashed back like that if he wasn’t. It was bugging me all night.”

“Thanks to my stupid texts. Dammit, Annie, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have sent those.”

“Hey—I told you to.”

“Yeah, but I should have ignored you.”

“Look, all those reasons were still rattling around in my brain. I just wish I’d thought of them on the beach the other night and it wouldn’t have turned into a freaking panic attack in his car.” I stretch out my legs on the floor. “I’m a cock tease.”

“No, you’re not. You’re someone who’s had a bad experience with a boss before.”

“A bad experience. Is that what we’re calling it now?”

“Okay, a catastrophe.”

“Much better.”

“Maybe if you told Cam what happened, he’d believe you.”

“The whole fucking world doesn’t believe me, Sam.”

“I believe you. Anyone who knows you well would believe you.”

“But that’s just it, Sam. No one really knows me here. No one. It’s no wonder I’m so attracted to Cam. Maybe I’m just longing to feel close to—someone.”

“Uh, from that photo you sent me of him and Stella, I’m thinking that’s not the only reason you’re attracted to him. Besides, the guy took in a kid he barely knows. Hell, I’m practically in love with him and I’ve never even met him. What you’re feeling is natural.”

“Natural? Mr. Perfect just kissed me in his car and I fell apart.”

“Look, I know you’re not going to want to hear this, but you should tell him the truth.”

I want to agree with her. I want to believe that he’d side with me—that he’d believe me. But then I remember watching the press conference from Sam’s sofa and questioning reality myself. And I was there. I knew the truth. “I can’t risk it. I’m not ready, Sam.”

There’s silence on the other end.

I know she disagrees.

“Okay,” Sam finally answers. “So hold off till you feel more comfortable. But in the meantime, just put yourself out of your misery and fuck the guy. You need to get this out of your system. I mean, be careful, watch your heart, use a condom, and all that crap I’m supposed to say as your best friend. But you’ve been living in the desert long enough. And for God’s sake, seriously consider talking to someone,” she tosses in. “You need friends, Arianna.”

The name almost hurts me, hearing her say it, reminding me that I’m a different person with her than with anyone on this island.

“Look, if the shit hits the fan—and you know it might—you’re going to need people around you,” she continues. “People who know you. People who love you. And it’ll take me at least fifteen hours to fly out to you. So I need to know you’ve got back-up. You know what they say. No man is an island.”

“Yeah,” I mutter. “Even on an island, no man is an island.”