Twenty-five
“Aces and fours. Two aces and three fours. Full house, darlin’.”
Antonie’s eyes narrowed as she studied the poker hand Liam was proudly displaying, and laid out her own hand. “I have a full house, too. Three aces and two nines.”
“I only have two pair and an ace,” Tomás said, his eyes alive with laughter.
“Ah, well, Antonie has won this hand.” O’Neill collected up the cards. “My deal.”
“I think we need a new deck, amigo,” Antonie murmured.
“A new deck, love? Why?”
It was hard not to laugh at the extremely innocent look on O’Neill’s almost too handsome face, and Antonie could hear the laughter in her voice. “Because this deck has too many aces.”
“Too many?”
“Sí. Six.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“Sí. It does. I counted them.”
“Nonsense. There’s ten.”
“Ten aces?” she squeaked and then started to laugh.
“Yup. Ten. Aces are nice to have in a hand. Figured I’d put in enough for everyone.” He grinned when Antonie and Tomás began to laugh.
Royal knew his knock could not be heard and quietly entered the room. His gaze immediately went to Antonie. She wore her peasant dress, her hair loosely tied back into one thick swatch. The loose fit of her clothes did not entirely hide the rounding of her stomach.
He had waited to speak to her until he felt she was on the road to recovery. Her wounds had been slight, but the ordeal had been hard on her. Fears for the health of the child had made them pamper her and had kept her from protesting. It had been a long, trying three weeks, however. Looking at her laughing so heartily with the two men made him think that they had been overly cautious.
Reluctantly, he admitted that some of his hesitation was due to a healthy dose of cowardice. He was not exactly sure what he felt for Antonie or what she felt for him, making it very difficult for him to think of a way of proposing marriage. He knew he might also have to find a way to convince her to marry him.
Since he had explained what he had been up to with Marilyn, he had taken things slowly with Antonie by courting her. He could only hope it had worked. Then he would not have to demand anything. He wanted her, and he wanted the child that she carried in her womb to bear his name.
“Royal, he’s cheating,” Antonie said with a laugh when she realized that Royal had joined them.
“Lass, how can you say that?” O’Neill protested with great drama. “If I’d been cheating, I would have given myself all the aces.”
“I think I would have suspected something if you had dealt yourself ten cards, O’Neill,” Antonie said firmly.
“Ten?” Royal smiled at her.
“Sí, Royal. There are ten aces in that deck.”
“A fine card the ace,” O’Neill murmured.
“Remind me not to play cards with you, O’Neill,” Royal drawled. “You look better every day, Tomás.”
“Ah, sí, soon I can hobble about your house like Oro, eh? Matching gimps, O’Neill calls us. I think I will shoot him.”
“I think I would, too,” Royal said when he stopped laughing. “Antonie, could I speak to you, please.”
“Certainly,” she replied, but made no move to stand up. “Here I am.”
“Cute.” He took her by the hand and gently tugged her off the bed. “In private.”
Antonie tried to hide her nervousness as she followed Royal into his room. It was a struggle, for he looked very serious. There were several topics of conversation facing them that could cause that look, and she was not sure she was all that ready to get into any of them. She admitted to herself that she was being cowardly, but she didn’t care.
In her less sensible moments, she had found herself wishing things could go on as they had been. But that could not be and she knew it. The baby changed everything. They might not be ready for any decisions, but they had to be made.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, she watched him a little warily. He had not been acting quite the same with her. There were some subtle changes in his treatment of her, none of which were disturbing her. What really troubled her was that he hardly ever touched her. She knew she had been in no condition to make love until very recently, but he hardly even put his arm around her. Antonie admitted to herself that she was hungry for some sort of contact with him, like that simple but brief holding of hands while he had helped her stand up a moment ago. She was beginning to fear that the fire in him, the one they had shared, had died.
“There’s been a verdict on Marilyn and her father.” Royal cursed himself for yet again being cowardly, using that topic to avoid the confrontation he knew he had to face. “Her father will hang and she will be sent to prison.”
Her heart sank. There was only one reason she could think of for him to require privacy to tell her that news. He was saying that the battle they had fought together was ended, and now it was over between them. The interest he showed in the child they had created was not strong enough to make him want to keep her around.
“She should hang, too. She is as guilty as he is.” She watched him closely as she spoke, trying to see how he felt.
“Marry me, Antonie.”
She gaped at him. She had just about convinced herself that he was going to tell her to go. This abrupt proposal, half question and half command was totally unexpected.
“Why are you looking so surprised? You must’ve known I’d ask you.”
“I thought you were going to tell me to go, that the fight is done now and I must leave.”
He moved to stand in front of her. At times she could be a source of great confusion to him. Any other woman would not only expect a proposal, but demand one. She sat there thinking that he would send her and their child away and did not seem to be contemplating anything to change that callous dismissal.
“Antonie, in case you hadn’t noticed, you carry my child,” he said sarcastically.
“It is hard not to notice. I cannot button this skirt.”
“Do you really think I would be so mean, so hard, as to just tell you to go?”
“What is hard? If you do not want us, it is best. Better to send us away than to hold onto us for only duty.”
“Is that all you think I feel for you and the child?”
He looked as if she had insulted him, even hurt him, and she replied a little weakly, “I cannot be sure. We had the fire, sí? But, since I was taken by Raoul, you have not touched me.”
“Of course not. You were healing, recovering from your wounds, shock, and exhaustion.”
“No, I do not mean making love. I mean you have not even touched me. If Raoul had raped me, maybe his men, too, I could think it was that, but they did not. Still, you do not touch me. Here you ask me to marry you, but you stand at distance and do not even take my hand. I am thinking the fire has died in you.”
“Oh, no, Antonie. Not by a long shot. It’s still strong, maybe stronger than ever. That’s why I haven’t touched you.”
“I do not understand.”
“If I touch you, I’m going to want to make love to you. The longer we go without making love, the worse it gets. One of the ways to help keep myself in hand is to keep my hands to myself. Even talking about it has me aching for you.” He smiled crookedly when her gaze fell briefly, then her eyes widened. “I think it’s become permanent.”
“I am healed now,” she said quietly, her passion immediately stirred by the evidence of his arousal.
“I know. You’ve been healed enough for that for a while if we were careful. I’ve been working up the courage to talk about getting married, and I thought it best if we didn’t make love until it was all sorted out. I even thought it’d make our wedding night a little more well, special, if we’d suffered a dry spell beforehand. I still do.”
He still felt the fire for her and was not prompted by duty alone. Knowing this eased the knot that had formed around Antonie’s heart, but she hesitated and did not really know why. Before she had fallen into Raoul’s hands Royal’s declaration would have been enough.
“What about Marilyn?”
“What does she have to do with this?”
“For a long time you wanted to marry her.”
“Antonie, that woman made a fool of me. She wanted to take my land, kill my family. She did kill my parents. Even if I could forgive that, convince myself that she was forced to do such things by her father, I certainly couldn’t ignore what was said and done at that shack, what she admitted to doing with Raoul and what she was ready to do with O’Neill.”
“O’Neill had a time forgetting it, too,” she murmured, smiling despite her blushes. “He keeps wondering if he was a fool to let his sensibilities get in the way of a good, er—how did he put it?—shag.”
“The man shouldn’t talk like that in front of you,” Royal said with a shake of his head and a half-smile. “Antonie,” he continued seriously, “I have never had any deep feelings for Marilyn. When I found out the truth, I was angry because I’d been made a fool of and because our family had trusted her and her father. Even before that I’d begun to wonder why I had ever thought of marrying her. I suppose it was because she was, well, there and of my world.”
“I am not,” she said quietly and hurried on when he prepared to protest. “I am Mexican. Maybe not in blood but in soul, eh? I am a bandido’s child. I do not know all these ways a lady must know. Maybe that will be a trouble between us later. A big one. Maybe you should think harder on this.”
“I’ve done all the thinking I want to. I’ll be honest with you, love. It took me a long time to forget how you were raised.”
“You should not forget. It is what I am.”
“I know. Forget’s the wrong word. Let’s say I suddenly saw it was not only Marilyn who made a fool out of me. I was doing a pretty good job of making a fool of myself. Marilyn was what the world would call a lady. She was raised in wealth and comfort, schooled well and all that, but look at the rot it hid. It was suddenly clear to me that all that gloss and that fine background isn’t what counts. In truth, I was seeing your background as far worse than it was.
“Juan was a hard man, an outlaw who lived by raiding. Still, he was not cruel. He didn’t hate like some of them do. Given half a chance, he could’ve been a great man in the lawful world. He loved you and did his best to keep you out of his business. He knew his way of life was wrong and didn’t want you to follow it. Oh, things could’ve been a lot better for you, but there’s not all that much to fault in that.”
Impulsively, she kissed him. She then found herself in the midst of a very heated embrace, but she did not pull back. When he suddenly pulled away and firmly set her at a distance, she was more than a little disappointed. The only thing that kept her from getting somewhat depressed was that she now had proof that he still really desired her, more proof than the earlier visual one. His kiss had held all the same fiery hunger that it always had.
“Enough of that,” he said. “Are we getting married?”
“It is not just for the baby that you ask?” Antonie knew she was being somewhat repetitive, but she could not stop herself.
“No, although I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t a part of it. I want that child to carry my name. Look, I’m not good with words—”
“No, what you said is enough.” She did not really want him to explain himself. She feared he would say a lot she might like but not the words that she craved, and that would hurt. “Sí. We will wed. When?”
“Saturday. That’s the first day the preacher could come out here.”
“You have already asked the preacher to come?”
Royal grimaced, then watched her warily as he admitted, “I wasn’t planning on letting you say no.”
“When did you get the preacher?”
“About a week ago.”
“Why did you wait so long to ask me then?”
“Cowardice.”
“You are afraid of me?” Antonie said, surprised.
“I was afraid I’d end up having to force you to marry me, and I didn’t want it to be that way.”
“Force me? How could you force me?”
“Well, I hadn’t really figured that out. That’s another reason I hesitated.” He smiled crookedly when she giggled. “Any other things you want to ask me?”
“Sí.” She took a deep breath to boost her courage, wondering idly why it was sometimes harder to talk to him than to face the whole of Raoul’s army. “This is to be a real marriage?”
“I’m not quite sure what you’re getting at, but I’ll tell you what’s in my head as I think of what’s ahead. We’ll share a bed, we’ll work together, enjoy the benefits together, have babies—”
“Can I get this one out first?” she asked pertly.
“I think I can allow that.”
“How kind.”
“Where was I?”
“Babies.”
“Ah, yes. We’ll have babies, watch them grow and have their own, which we’ll tell them how to raise, and,” he looked at her sternly, “there will be no running off with handsome young men the minute my back is turned.”
“Sí. And no saloons? Or Louise’s? Or hot little bits on the side?”
“No and your language is atrocious. Hot little bits on the side?”
“That is what Tomás says many wives complain about.”
“And he sympathizes beautifully, then takes them to bed.”
“Sí.” She grinned.
“That boy’s going to get himself shot.”
“There is a good chance, I am thinking.”
“Enough talk about Tomás’s meanderings,” he sighed, “and bed. I’ve only got two more days to wait.”
She had to look away to keep her composure, the warmth of his gaze heating her blood. “Sí. Two days. I will go and talk to Patricia and Maria.” She started toward the door, glancing back at him as she opened it. “You could go and play cards with O’Neill,” she suggested, then laughed and hurried downstairs.
Patricia’s pleasure over the news, as well as that of Maria and Rosa, pleased Antonie. The more fully accepted she was, the greater a part of Royal’s life she would be, and that could only be good for her marriage.
For the rest of the day, she was deeply involved in preparations for the wedding. Because it was such short notice and she was visibly pregnant, it would only be attended by those at the ranch and a few very close friends. Royal was somewhat apologetic about that, until Antonie finally got him to understand that she really did not mind. She did not know many people outside of the ranch anyway.
Although tired when she finally sought her bed, Antonie found sleep elusive. She felt a leap of excitement when a soft rap came at the door. It was only a little depressing when Patricia entered instead of Royal. She would much rather have spent the night making love, but a nice chat would be pleasant. It could even help her get to sleep. Whatever was keeping her awake could well be eased by talking it out. She just wished she knew what it was.
“I wasn’t sure you’d be alone,” Patricia said, then blushed as she sat on the bed.
“Ah, Royal’s being very much the gentleman. He says it will make the wedding night special.”
“Interesting, certainly,” Patricia said, then giggled, and Antonie smiled. “It’s rather nice, too.”
“You sound surprised. Do you not think your brother can be nice?”
“It’s always hard to think of a brother being a lover, or romantic or anything like that. I mean, a brother, especially an older one, is the one who tells you to shut your mouth or not to get underfoot or go away or glares at your beau so hard the poor fellow can’t speak. I had four older brothers to do that to me.”
“One died in the war, right?”
“Yes.” Patricia sighed. “Denton. He was in between Royal and Cole. It was sad. I’d prepared myself for one of them to die though. I knew it would be a miracle for all three to come home safe and whole. It’s a shame I didn’t dislike any of my brothers, like some sisters do. I hate anyone to die but it must help if you can say, well, at least it wasn’t the one I liked or something. The really horrible thing about Denton is that they never found him. Not a trace.”
“Oh. Then how do they know he was killed?”
“Because there was a big hole and his dead horse where they’d last seen him.” Patricia shivered. “How did we get onto this subject?”
“You were talking about your brothers.”
“Right. Royal. And you. Antonie, are you sure about this? It’s just, well, you don’t act like you’re marrying the man you want.”
“Ah, because I am not distracted or blushing or dreamy?”
“Well, yes. Don’t you love him?”
“Sí. I love him, but if you tell that to him I will beat you.” Antonie realized that she was only half teasing.
“You haven’t told him?” Patricia asked in shock.
“No. He has not said these words to me.”
“So you don’t say them.”
“No. Did you think this was a love match like you and Oro?”
“I’m not sure. It’s not just because of the baby, is it?”
“Sí and no. I cannot be sure he would never ask me to marry him, but he does ask now because of the baby. He wants his child to carry his name.”
“But he wants you, too.”
“Sí. I think so,” Antonie shrugged. “There is a fire there still.”
“How can you be so calm about it?”
“What is there not to be calm about?”
“You’re getting married, yet it all sounds so unromantic and getting married should be romantic! It’s forever.”
“Are you and Oro always romantic, loving, and soft-eyed? I think not. Ah, El Magnifico.” She scratched the swiftly growing puppy behind his ears when he crawled up onto the bed to lie beside her. “Get lonely under the bed?”
“He’s going to be huge.” Patricia smiled faintly. “He’s huge enough now. Look, Antonie, I’m not so foolish as to think everything is loving all the time.”
“I know. It is hard for me to explain. I would like to be the glowing bride and I am sorry I am not. I am glad to be a bride though. Do not think that I am not. Before I left and fell into Raoul’s hands, I had hoped for it. I was going to tell Royal about the baby. I felt I had seen enough in him to know that it would not only be the baby that our marriage would be based on. There are other things than passion. I was sure of it.”
“Are you still sure of it?”
“I think so, but now that I face it, I wonder. This is normal, I think.”
“Yes, I wondered about Oro, about me, oh, about everything. It’s because it is forever.”
“Sí. Forever. I will be honest. Something was troubling me and I see it now. It is forever, and in my heart there is the fear that even with forever I won’t be able to make him love me. A silly thing, really,” Antonie whispered.
“No, of course it isn’t,” Patricia said.
“No? It is the only thing he does not offer me. He even speaks of faithfulness. To moan about what I do not have when I have so much is foolishness. It is the sort of thinking that will make things worse.”
“How so?”
“Because I will get bitter, eh? It is not his fault! He never asked it of me. To blame him because I gave love and did not get any back is not right. He is not without feeling for me.”
“That is certainly true. You should have seen him when you’d left him. It only made it worse that it was really his own fault.”
“Sí. It was.” She grinned when Patricia giggled. “He should have told me, but he knows that, so it is forgotten.”
“I’m not so sure he will forget,” Patricia said quietly. “Or forgive himself for being at least partly responsible for your ordeal. You came too close to being horribly tortured. That is something that is not so easy to forget.”
“Ah, well, I will work on that. I never told him what Raoul was like. I knew. I knew, too, that Royal, even Cole, did not. Maybe they did not listen to the stories about Raoul. They are hard to believe. Royal could not know what would happen to me. Also, Tomás and I did not take care. That was very foolish, and we paid for it. Always we have watched and been careful. Not that time.”
“You were upset.”
“That is no excuse. If we had done as we were taught—and taught so well—I think I would not have been caught and Tomás would not have been shot. I would not have been brought so close to such a horrible death. It is my lesson, and I am not one to forget such a lesson.”
Watching Patricia closely and recalling the conversation she had had earlier with Oro, Antonie asked gently, “And now that I speak of lessons, tell me, chica, have you and that fool Oro made love yet?”
Although she gasped, then blushed deeply, Patricia shook her head. “His leg, you know. Riding out like he did set him back some.”
“He must be getting—how you say—very grumpy.”
Patricia giggled. “Very. Though, I catch him looking at me funny sometimes.”
Antonie laughed. “He is thinking of what I said once, but I see he did not really listen. Now I will tell you.”
When Patricia left, Antonie snuggled down into her bed and laughed softly. Patricia had been very embarrassed, but also very fascinated. Oro was in for a big surprise. Although Patricia’s cheeks had still been bright red when she left, there had been a determined glint in her eyes. Antonie felt just a little bit jealous. Patricia and Oro would be loving each other tonight while she was stuck in her bed with only El Magnifico for company. And he snored, she thought with a wry smile.
She firmly told herself not to be silly. In a way, Royal was right. This small period of deprivation would add something to their wedding night, make it a little special. They had been lovers too long to act or feel like newlyweds, but at least they could have the enjoyment of the return of something they had both sorely missed. It would be almost as good, maybe better.
Yawning, Antonie let approaching sleep overtake her. The talk with Patricia had helped. She had faced the fear she had not really known she had. Although she had not conquered it, she could now view it with some sense of acceptance. It would no longer secretly gnaw at her. Perhaps, one day, she might even be able to laugh at it.
Briefly, Antonie wondered if Patricia was right. Maybe she should admit her love to Royal. She shook her head. If nothing else, she could well be burdening him with guilt because he could not return her feelings and she would be hurt. No, she decided as sleep exerted its irresistible pull, that would be a secret she would hold onto for a while longer. Perhaps luck would be with her and one day she would be free to surround Royal with her love and speak of it freely.