Emilia
One year later
At first, Emi had actually considered not following what she now knew was her dream by not enrolling in culinary school. She’d feared it would be too painful of a reminder of who helped her finally figure it out. But after months of not being able to go a single day without thinking of him anyway, she realized everything would always remind her of him regardless. It seemed almost everything she did, ate, watched on TV, even the songs she heard on the radio, reminded her of Sydney. Music was so bad she’d boycotted listening to music as much as she could those first few months.
It’d taken only a week after he so heartlessly dumped her to realize there was no way she’d be able to continue living in that building. The day she’d seen him in the lobby was the first day she’d left her apartment since the breakup. She quickly hid so he wouldn’t see her, but it was all it took to break her. She’d gone back to her room and drowned her sorrows in alcohol. It was also proof of what she’d thought was impossible. One thing could make her feel more miserable than the way she’d already been feeling: booze.
She hadn’t touched the stuff since. After nearly downing an entire bottle of wine that day, and it still wasn’t numbing the pain, she’d considered taking a handful of sleeping pills. Her siblings didn’t know about the pills because she’d never told them, She hadn’t wanted to kill herself, just numb the pain. But in hindsight, she knew now the former could’ve easily happened.
Her siblings hadn’t even needed to know about that. The state they found her in had been alarming enough for them to insist on bringing her home with them. The next day she’d explained about the breakup. Sort of. The most she clarified with her brothers about it was that the quarreling—something she and Sydney had never done—had just gotten to be too much. She could tell they thought she was being overly dramatic about the whole thing. As far as they knew, she’d technically only been with Sydney a few months. She was young, immature, and going through her first breakup with her first real boyfriend.
They had no idea.
Livi was the only one who knew the real truth. Thankfully, she’d had the sense to not tell them what she knew about the breakup before they reached her place that day. All she’d said was the last she’d heard was that Emi and Syd had broken up and Emi had been feeling down. Epic understatement if there ever was one.
Not even when her mother passed had Emi needed anti-depressants to get her through some of the most brutal days. She knew it wasn’t shameful to seek help if you needed it. But she hadn’t told any of her siblings about getting a prescription for them. Not Livi because she’d worry too much, and if her brothers knew, they’d figure out there was more to the breakup than she was telling them. Emi already knew about them paying Sydney a visit the day they found her piss drunk in her apartment. If they knew the real reason, there’d be hell to pay. It was the last thing she needed on top of the permanent heartache she was still dealing with on a daily basis.
Emi was now attending the same culinary school where Sal’s wife Grace had graduated from. They’d also offered her a job at the restaurant. She waited tables, but when they weren’t too busy, they gave her a shot in the kitchen and she’d be eternally grateful to them for it. Between that and school, it kept her mind preoccupied.
For almost the entire year since her breakup with Sydney, she’d managed to avoid being around Sarah too much. The first time Emi had spoken with Sarah after moving back home was beyond awkward and equally painful. It was clear Sarah knew the whole truth. Emi had sort of held out hope she might shed some light or hope on the situation. She did, after all, know Sydney better than anyone else. But all she’d done was express her regret about the breakup and offered a shoulder to cry on if she ever needed one. No thanks.
There was no greater reminder of her biggest heartache than Sarah. It was why, ever since the breakup, Emi avoided attending any of the gatherings where she was certain Sarah would be. Of all the things that were a constant reminder of Sydney, Emi had to admit she was grateful for one—the most annoying—technology. Because of technology, she’d never memorized Sydney’s number. He’d been on speed dial since day one. Though she knew she could easily get his number again if she needed to, deleting all his contact info and blocking him from all her social media on her phone and computer eliminated the biggest risk. She’d given into too many temptations those first few weeks: to call, text, or stalk his online pages. So she’d deleted and removed completely from her life anything that had to do with him.
As the months passed and she hadn’t heard a single thing from him, not even a measly text to ask how she was or say hello, she finally accepted she’d been right. It hurt like hell, but, clearly, she’d been far more into him than he’d ever been into her. She forced herself to stop hoping that he’d eventually call and say he’d been a fool. That like her he’d never ever feel complete again unless they got back together.
The one thing she’d refused to do, and had even snapped at her siblings for trying to suggest it, was go out and meet someone else. She hadn’t the slightest doubt that she’d never feel for anyone what she had—what she still did—for Sydney. She knew he’d moved on, but she wasn’t ready to. Not that she felt in any way that she needed to remain loyal or remotely faithful to him, she just wasn’t ready to tackle that hurdle yet.
The one thing she’d finally agreed on was the possibility of hanging out with Sly. He was still calling and texting her even after all this time. She’d heard some stuff about him seeing someone new, but when she’d spoken to him again a few months ago, he confirmed that they were all just rumors. His complicated schedule was still keeping him from any serious relationships. He also admitted he was still holding out hope she might come around and agree to give things a shot with him. Emi had told him flat out she wasn’t ready for anything serious, at first blaming her new and busy schedule. But just weeks ago, she’d agreed to get together with him when he was in town for dinner and a show—as friends only. That part she’d made perfectly clear.
Emi knew all too well the horrific pain of being led on by someone, only to find out later his heart was somewhere else. She’d never wish that on even her worst enemy, least of all be the one inflicting such pain. Even if in no way the pain could possibly be compared, she’d already sort of done it to Sly once. She was not about to go into even a friendship with the guy without being perfectly honest with him. Maybe once she was over Sydney she could consider more with Sly, but she still wasn’t.
In an effort to not appear that pathetic, she’d left out the part about how long she thought it might be until she was ready: a very long time, if ever. Though her head had finally accepted that her future didn’t include Sydney, her heart had yet to put out that pesky little spark of hope.
Despite her efforts to avoid Sarah, near tragedy had forced Emi to see her. Sarah had been in a car accident this past year. A bad one. She’d been T-boned in an intersection. From what Emi had heard, it was by the grace of God that she’d been alone. Whoever might’ve been in the passenger side with her would’ve likely been killed. But even Sarah had been badly injured. For a frightening moment, they thought she might not make it. Thankfully, she had, but it’d been a long road to recovery. She’d been in the hospital for weeks. Emi had gone to see her twice during that time, and both times she’d dreaded the possibility of running into Sydney. Fortunately, she hadn’t either time. Both times Sarah had also been surrounded by family, and the subject of Sydney hadn’t even been brought up. What she’d dreaded so much, Emi got through unscathed.
Now she had even more to dread. She’d gotten the phone call from Grace a little over a week ago. The way Grace had asked her that day there was no way of getting out of this. As usual, Grace always sounded busy when Emi spoke with her over the phone. She started off by asking if she had the weekend of the twentieth open. Emi had checked, knowing this was work-related.
Emi was free.
Grace asked if she had anything school-related that she might need to tend to that week that might keep her from being able to come in during the week. It was a catering job and she’d need to prepare all week.
Emi didn’t. She was done with this module of her course and was wide open that week.
Grace even made her double-check to make sure her brother didn’t have any games in town she might be attending as she and her siblings often did.
A.J. didn’t. He was on the east coast that entire week.
Grace then asked about certain dishes and techniques needed for a few things she had in mind on a catering job. When Emi told her she had been trained on those techniques but could use the practice, Grace said this would be the perfect opportunity for her to brush up on said techniques.
When it was all said and done and Emi was locked in to be Grace’s personal assistant during this very special catering gig, she let her in on something else.
“Since this is family and we don’t anticipate anyone complaining, I’ll let you lead the job,” she said, sounding excited for Emi. “Don’t worry. I’ll be there the whole time to make sure it all runs smoothly.”
“Lead the job?”
‘Yes!” Grace had said, sounding even more excited. “I hate to admit it, but over the years, I think my husband’s anal retentiveness has begun to rub off on me. The last two chefs I’d hoped to groom so that I can take more time off and be home with the kids have been such a disappointment. But I’ve been watching you. You’re a natural, Emilia. I think you can more than handle this. It’s a big job mostly because of the size of it. You know this family and all the Romeros will be there too. Angel wants everyone there.”
Emi couldn’t believe that, after hearing Grace mention her leading the job, the first part of that statement had gone right over her head. Since this is family. Angel wants everyone there?
“Who?” Emi began to ask nervously as Grace said something quickly in Spanish to someone in the background. “Who is this party for?”
“Angel decided last minute to do something bigger than the norm for his and Sarah’s anniversary this year.” Grace asked her to hold and spoke quickly in Spanish again as Emi often heard her speak in the kitchen at the restaurant. “Oh, and before I forget, you can’t say anything to her in case you see her before then. This is a big surprise. It’s why Angel can’t do the catering himself. The whole family is going all out. Poor Angel was so scared when she was in the hospital. So now that she’s better, he wants to celebrate in a big way. I’m so glad you can do this, Emilia. This works out perfectly, but listen. It’s a madhouse here. I gotta go. We’ll talk more about this when you come in.”
With one blow, Grace had just knocked over everything Emi had worked so hard to build back that whole year: her self-worth, the ability to get out of bed, convinced that today would be better than yesterday, and the idea that she could be happy without needing him in her life. Albeit it was all built on about as shaky ground as a house of cards, but she’d at least gotten a few rickety levels up.
For days, she’d brainstormed about how to get out of the job—the party. She was certain Sydney would be there. Maybe he’d even show up with Cristina. Who was she kidding? Emi would never survive this. After months of saying she was good now, she had this, she was woman watch her roar, she had no choice but to admit the idea of just seeing him again was enough to have her tapping out and begging for mercy. Not roar like a powerful woman who’d bounced back beautifully.
It seemed everything was against her. It was a last-minute idea, so the invitations had gone out on short notice. All three of Emi’s brothers were working with no way of getting out of it. Livi, Lorenzo, and baby Enzo were taking what Livi said was a much-needed mini vacation with Vince and Rosie—one that was already paid for and non-refundable. Not only would Emi be on her own at the party, Isaiah had made a remark that made it even harder for her to try to feign the flu or death or something.
“I’m glad you’ll be there, Emi,” Isaiah had said with much relief in his voice. “You know one of the guys that were on the call for that accident Sarah was in, worked overtime at my station about a week later. He talked about it, and when I told him I knew her and how she was doing, he’d been shocked she made it. He thought for sure she was a goner, the accident was so bad. Damn straight Angel would wanna celebrate big. It’s a good thing at least one of us will be there to represent.”
Since Livi had been the only one who knew just how hard Emi had taken the breakup, she couldn’t even share with her about her dread now. Emi was afraid and fairly certain Livi would cancel the weekend cruise she’d looked forward to for weeks now.
Emi had no choice but to suck it up and hope leading the catering job would keep her preoccupied enough she’d barely even notice if Sydney did show up. By the end of the first day of preparing for the party that weekend, she found out just how wrong she was. Her leading the job meant being in charge of the food that would be prepared properly and making sure all the ingredients were ordered on time. Enough of everything was cooked in the timely manner it needed to be the day of so that it was hot at just the right time. So most of what she was in charge of was before the party even started.
“The best part about this is, unlike a regular catering lead because this is family, once you’re done with all this stuff”—Grace pointed at the perfectly organized list of duties she’d be in charge of—“the rest of the job is up to the servers. You can sit back with the rest of us and enjoy a job well done.”
Emi was doomed.
It was then that she'd actually started Googling twenty-four-hour bugs, something she could come up with last minute so she could get all the work done beforehand because she didn’t want to leave Grace hanging. Then at the last minute she could make a dramatic run to the bathroom or something and pretend to puke her lungs out.
It wouldn’t be too hard. The idea of being in the same backyard—the very yard she’d first formally met Sydney at, because the party was at her cousin Moe’s—was enough to make her queasy.
By the end of the week, she’d changed her mind half a dozen times. She tried to convince herself this was what she needed. Final closure. Seeing him again and possibly with Cristina would be a good thing. It would finally smother the life out of that last little flicker of hope that so stubbornly refused to die. She nearly had a panic attack just thinking about it.
Grace had told her normally, as the lead chef in charge of a catering event, she’d be required to wear her chef’s uniform, but because of the circumstances she was free to wear whatever she would’ve worn otherwise. She could check up on the crew while at the party just to make sure everything was running smoothly, but for the most part, Grace wanted her to relax and enjoy the party like all the other family members there.
“All the real work will be done before the food even leaves the restaurant,” Grace had happily informed her.
The day of the event, the preparing at the restaurant couldn’t have gone more beautifully. After leaving the restaurant once everything was done and being loaded onto the catering truck, Emi had gone home to change and get ready. She didn’t need to be, but she wanted to be there to help oversee the setup. She also hoped it’d be less rude to leave early if she’d been there early.
It took a few changes before she decided what she’d wear. She went with a simple baby blue cotton summer dress. The dress was harmlessly cute, high-waisted and a bit flared at the skirt. It was strappy but in no way provocative. She wasn’t even sure he would be there today, and she hadn’t dared asked. But she’d decided, just in case, she’d at least help him remember what he was missing.
On any girl with a normal-sized ass, the dress would be nothing more than cute. Innocent even. On Emi, that was exactly what it looked like from the front. The flat beige sandals she wore were equally sweet and innocent with little flowers that wrapped around her ankles. She’d even worn her hair up in a loose French braid, one that looked like she put minimal effort into, with a few loose strands here and there. She wore nominal makeup, enhancing only her lashes and plump lips, remembering how much her natural look turned him on. No one else could accuse her of trying to look sexy. With all that on the surface, no one would dare even insinuate she’d chosen such a sweet outfit and ensemble to entice or tease anyone.
The view from behind would be just as sweet and innocent except for the ample flare of the skirt in just the right place. It was still a cute innocent outfit to anyone not imagining what might be under that skirt. But for someone who didn’t have to imagine—someone who knew exactly what was under there and what kind of panties might be adorning that ample flare—it might be a little torturous.
It’s what she was counting on.
Okay, maybe it was a little immature. But after the year she’d had, she figured she could indulge in a little fun. Only her stomach was so knotted up by the time she arrived at Moe’s, she doubted anything about today would be fun.
After checking on the food service and Grace giving her the thumbs up and an excited smile, she was free to socialize. Glad Sarah and Angel hadn’t arrived yet, she walked over to where Sofie, Valerie, and Moe’s wife Izzy sat.”
“Hey, you!” Sofie said as soon as she saw her. “Don’t you look adorable.”
Emi smiled, hugging them all quickly one by one. She explained about her siblings’ whereabouts then sat down. She wondered if they’d all been coached not to ask about Sydney because not a single one did, not that she was complaining. It was just another poignant reminder of how over that part of her life was.
She’d only been chatting with them for a short while when Grace walked over. “They’re on their way,” Grace said, smiling big. “Sal just walked out front to make sure no one is straggling out by their cars or anything. Everyone who said they were coming should be here or wait until after three so they don’t spoil the surprise if they get here right when she’s arriving.”
Emi’s stomach knotted up worse than she thought it would when she saw Cristina and her kids walk in. She hadn’t seen or talked to her since she’d spoken with her on the phone that awful day. It wasn’t as if she’d kept in touch with her after Mando had passed. Even before he died, they had never been all that close.
Having to finally face Cristina didn’t even compare to watching Sydney walk in behind her, talking to Sal. He was just as beautiful as Emi remembered him, and she expected to be breathless the next time she saw him. She expected to feel emotional. But slapped in the face was not something she’d anticipated feeling. Cristina wasn’t even walking with him. She’d been sidetracked by Uncles Manny and Max as Sydney and Sal continued walking past them.
Emi’s earlier thoughts that week of possibly feeling queasy when she saw him weren’t as exaggerated as she’d once thought. She felt sick to her stomach all of a sudden, but not for the reasons she’d thought then. Yes, it was breathtaking to see him after more than a year. Yes, her heart was already racing, and she felt her throat swelling almost immediately. And, yes, her mind was already trying to come up with a way to escape as soon as possible. But something else made her breath catch.
Sydney was dressed as casually as you’d expect someone to be dressed for a backyard summer party. A loose fitting white linen shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a pair of beige pants. What Emi’s eyes were glued to almost from the moment she saw it was the beige fedora. It coordinated with the outfit well enough. It was like something you’d see a groom wearing at a romantic wedding on a hillside overlooking a breathtaking view of an exotic beach. The only thing missing was the cigar in his hand. Of course, he’d look amazing in it too. But a fedora? It was so unlike him.
The memory of his saying he hated wearing hats and how Cristina loved them nearly strangled her. As jealous as Emi knew she’d be if she ever had to be witness to Sydney with another woman, for some reason, this was so much worse.
Cristina still hadn’t caught up to him. It didn’t look like she’d be going to either the way she was working her way around Uncle Manny and Max’s table and chatting it up. And Sydney didn’t appear to be concerned about her whereabouts. He continued to walk and talk seemingly without concern alongside Sal.
The moment Sal spotted Grace he headed toward her table—with Sydney. Emi swallowed back the unreasonable jealousy that consumed her over the fedora. So what if he’d worn it for Cristina? His walking in with her had just confirmed something much more heart-wrenching. It appeared Sydney had made the right call. Emi had also been right all along. She didn’t have what it took to satisfy a man like Sydney. Here she hadn’t been able to hold his interest for more than a few months, yet more than a year later, he was still with Cristina—someone he was clearly more compatible with. And Emi was going to get all choked up over a stupid hat?
Her sister’s angry words rang loudly in her head suddenly. Way back when they still talked about it, Livi, who’d been as baffled as Emi by Sydney’s sudden change of heart, had asked if Emi had in any way seen it coming. As blindsided as Emi had felt, she pathetically admitted through tears that, while there were no signs leading up to his breakup, a part of her had secretly begun to worry she wasn’t enough for a man like Sydney.
“That’s ridiculous, Emi,” Livi had practically spit. “Don’t you ever dare let our brothers hear you say that. They were adamant from the beginning Sydney wasn’t good enough for their baby sister. Did you forget he’s a divorced man? I never agreed with them before because I liked the guy and it was obvious how much he meant to you. But now that he’s hurt you, I will. If anything, Em, you were the one settling for damaged goods.”
Emi sat up straight as Sydney and Sal approached. Jesus, damaged goods never looked so incredible in her life. Glancing back in Cristina’s direction, Emi was more than relieved to see her sit down next to Aida, Uncle Manny’s wife.
You can do this.
Emi could. She knew she could. Just not all at once. Having to say hello to Sydney and be cordial without turning into a blubbering mess would be one thing. Doing it while he stood there holding his girlfriend’s hand—the one he’d left Emi for—was quite another.
The girls all greeted Sydney as he came around the table and kissed each one on the cheek, saving Emi for last.
“How are you, Em?” he asked with a smile that felt as forced as her own.
“Good. Thank you.”
The moment their eyes met she glanced away in a panic. It was proof of the one good call she’d made this past year, moving back to San Diego. Seeing him like this every day would’ve been absolute torture. She never would’ve made the progress she had if she’d stayed in Los Angeles. It was very little progress, seeing as she could feel her insides crumbling and her throat constricting already from just being around him this one time.
She turned to Sal and responded to his greeting. “Nice to see you too.”
Sal’s fragrance was a nice one too, but it didn’t even compare to Sydney’s, not with all the painful memories it brought back. It was almost maddening. Didn’t he realize what wearing her favorite cologne might do to her? Had he no mercy?
Emi gave Sofie her full attention when she asked about the butterfly bracelet she was wearing. Touching the tiny silver butterflies, she swallowed hard, concentrating on her conversation with Sofie. All the while she mentally willed Sydney to walk away—at least sit on the other side of the table—not stand there so close where his cologne might put her completely over the edge.
When Sydney didn’t walk away, instead stood there right next to her continuing his conversation with Sal, Emi stood up. She had to make a run for it before she hyperventilated. Of course, Moe would motion to everyone at that very moment to stay put.
“They’re here,” he said with a smirk, pointing toward the front of the house. “Angel’s gonna bring her back through the driveway.” Moe turned back in the direction of Emi’s table where she stood now—right next to Sydney. “Are we supposed to say anything in particular when he brings her back here?”
“Happy anniversary,” Sal said.
People starting coming out the back door of Moe’s house. First Angel’s parents then, as if this couldn’t get any worse, Mrs. Maricopa—Frances—Sydney’s mom.
“There she is,” Sal said to Sydney.
The fact that his mom had never once bothered to call her, to at least express her regret about the breakup, had just added insult to injury. The woman had been so adamant that Emi was Sydney’s soul mate. Clearly, she’d been wrong, but in a small way, Emi held her partially responsible for that annoying flicker of hope that refused to go away. Seeing her now only made the growing lump in Emi’s throat all the more unbearable.
Sydney was so close to Emi their arms brushed, making her flinch. She was going to lose it. There was no doubt about it now. It was just a matter of when and how. She had to get out of there and soon.
Stepping away from Sydney as casually as she could, Emi clapped her hands, forcing a smile as Sarah and Angel walked in. She stood there clapping with her fake smile as Sarah was hugged all around by everyone. As the girls started toward Sarah, Emi followed without so much as another glance in Sydney’s direction and steered clear of Frances. She’d say hello and good-bye, apologize to Grace for not being able to hang around longer but she was suddenly feeling ill. She knew it was unprofessional, but she wasn’t lying. She really did feel ill.
As she waited impatiently for the mob surrounding Sarah to clear, Manny came over and hugged Emi. She lied, saying she was going to walk over and say hello once she was done greeting Sarah and Angel. She was in the middle of explaining why none of her siblings were there when Angel was suddenly free and Manny outstretched his arms for him.
“Happy anniversary, you tatterdemalion.”
Angel looked at him strangely just as Moe walked up to them, rolling his eyes. “Get the fuck out of here with that shit, Manny. It doesn’t count unless you use it right.” Moe turned to Angel and Emi, shaking his head and laughing as he lifted his thumb in Manny’s direction. “He got a stupid app on his phone that gives him the word of the day. Thinks it’s gonna make him sound smart or something. Only he don’t bother looking up what the word means before he uses it.”
“Stop being such a tatterdemalion, you asshole,” Manny said just as Sarah turned to them, and suddenly Manny smiled amiably. “Happy anniversary, sweetheart.”
“Emi, I thought that was you.” Emi’s stomach plummeted when she turned to face a smiling Frances. “You look so pretty.” Frances held her arms open, and Emi had no choice but to lean in for a hug. “Honey, I’m sorry I never called you,” she said, pulling back to face Emi, her expression full of regret. “With everything that’s been happening this year, I didn’t even realize you and Sydney had broken up. With him so far away, I just assumed you two were still together. When he finally did mention it, he said it’d been months and made me promise to not call because it’d just open up old wounds, but you don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to.”
Emi nodded, trying desperately to swallow back the ever growing lump in her throat. The situation only got worse. Sarah walked over and said hello to both of them.
“Oh my goodness, even you made it out here, Frances,” Sarah said, hugging her, then turned to Emi and hugged her too. “I can’t believe they did this.”
As if things couldn’t get worse, Sydney walked up to them and hugged Sarah first then his mother but stood next to Emi. “How was your flight out?” he asked his mom.
“Good,” she said, swatting him playfully. “I told you I don’t need first class.”
“It was business class,” he explained. “I get good deals.”
The mixture of Sydney’s cologne and just him, which usually got Emi’s lady parts feeling all kinds of funny stuff, now felt lethal. It’d be the end of Emi if she didn’t make her exit soon. Having him this close she could almost taste him didn’t bode well for her ready-to-break emotions.
“I’m glad you two are at least still friends,” Frances said. “It’s a shame things didn’t work out, and I know you didn’t want me to, but I was just explaining to Emi how with all the craziness of this past year I hadn’t had a chance to—”
“Mom,” Sydney said with that tightening of his jaw that was so telling of him getting tense. “Not now.”
As hard as she tried to avoid it, Emi’s eyes ended up meeting Sydney’s once again. It was fleeting and barely discernable, but Emi caught it: the tiniest waiver in his suddenly hardened eyes. They softened as their eyes locked, and she saw in them what she’d seen so many times during their good times just before he kissed her or told her he loved her. There’d even been times when she’d woken to him staring at her in that same way.
It was more than she could take, and the knot at her throat gave. “I gotta go, Sarah,” she said, turning to Sarah and cursing herself for not being able to get through this. “Give Grace my apologies, but I’ll call her.”
“Grace?” Sarah asked, understandably confused, but the confusion morphed into concern. “Emi, are you okay?”
Emi dashed away without answering. She’d have to explain later, but there was no way she could stand there even a minute longer. What an idiot she’d been to think seeing him today would be a good thing! That this would give her the closure she needed.
Already she knew she’d get zero sleep tonight and she’d be back to crying herself to sleep for days, probably longer.