Monday 8th October
Alice
‘I can’t believe she just left you like that,’ Erica sympathises over lunch the next day.
‘Yeah, don’t you have a contract in place or something?’ Evelyn asks, already no doubt googling my rights on her iPad.
‘No,’ I sigh, my shoulders slumping pathetically. ‘The rent agreement is in my name. And even if I wanted to move back home, which is obviously a no-go, I’d still have to give them at least three months’ notice because I’m tied into it.’
Eugh, just the idea of having to move home has my stomach clenching.
‘Rubbish,’ Molly says, rubbing my back in soothing circles. ‘But more importantly, people have seriously seen you naked?’ Her innocent wide blue eyes stare back at me hoping for a different answer.
I gulp down the bile rising in my throat. I look around the cafe wondering who here has seen it. Seen my tits. My vagina. God, it’s mortifying.
‘I still can’t believe it. How has my life become such a mess in twenty-four hours?’ I throw my head down on the table dramatically, hoping someone will take pity and buy me a doughnut.
‘Don’t worry,’ Brooke soothes, rubbing my shoulders. ‘The good news is you have a great body.’ I sit up to glare at her. She smiles cheekily. ‘Plus, I told you, I’ve got Nicholas on it. If he can’t take it down no-one can.’
Nicholas works in IT and is apparently a part-time badass hacker.
‘I don’t even want to consider him not being able to.’ The idea that it could be online forever has me shivering in fear. ‘Wait, does that mean he’s seen it?’
She rolls her eyes. ‘Of course he’s seen it. Most people have.’
I close my eyes and concentrate on breathing deeply. Nicholas has seen me naked. Everyone has seen me naked.
‘So, what are you going to do about a new roommate?’ Evelyn asks, always trying to look at stuff she can fix.
Probably best to stick to one crisis at a time.
‘I’ll have to find a new one. But I need one immediately. I can’t afford to pay this month’s rent on my own and that means I’ll be evicted and get bad credit. Ugh, it’s such a mess! All because Slut Barbie decided to choose bros over her ho.’ I jokingly break down, throwing my head on the table. ‘I was her ho, goddamnit!’
‘You were whose ho?’
I look up to see Tom ‘Manwhore’ Maddens standing above me, his eyes dancing with amusement. God, just what I need, this tool. I didn’t even know he was down from Peterborough.
I roll my eyes. ‘I’m no one’s ho.’
Dear God, don’t let Tom have seen the picture. I’ll have to kill myself. There’ll be no other option. None.
Tom, and Erica’s boyfriend Jack, sit down at the table. Tom leans forward and steals my hash brown, eating it like an apple.
‘Hey!’ I bark, trying and failing to snatch it back.
‘Sorry,’ he shrugs. ‘I would have stolen some bacon but there isn’t any.’
‘She’s a veggie remember?’ Evelyn says with an eye roll.
God I really hope he hasn’t seen the pictures. The idea of Tom seeing me naked makes me feel ill. I’m half waiting for a meat joke to fly my way.
‘How did it go?’ Erica asks Jack, her forehead furrowed with worry.
He sighs, and it’s only then I notice the slight purplish bags under his eyes. ‘Not so good.’
‘What’s going on?’ I ask, looking between the two of them.
Jack sighs again as if the weight of the world is on his shoulders. ‘I spoke to Amber about her attitude towards Erica. She’s still saying you can’t see Esme and that I can’t bring her down here.’
God, I forgot that his bitch ex was doing that. Esme is Jack’s four-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. She told Erica in no uncertain terms that she was a phase and Jack would soon be moving home to Peterborough.
Erica puts her head in her hands. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Why the hell are you sorry?’ Evelyn asks her, clearly outraged. ‘She’s the one being an unreasonable cow.’
‘That doesn’t stop me feeling shit that he can’t bring his daughter here.’
Bless Erica. I know she feels terrible regardless.
He stands behind her, massaging her shoulders. ‘I’m more upset that my daughter can’t spend time with the woman I love.’
‘Awww!’ we all chorus, half of us at how sweet they are, half of us at how gross they are.
I can’t help but find them sickening. Partly because that’s what I want. My other half. My one person to depend on no matter what. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever find them. This whole naked thing is going to make me fussier.
‘Anyway,’ Tom says, clapping his hands as if to try to pull us all out of our depression. ‘We have some good news for you girls.’
That’s a way to get all our attention. Even Erica looks baffled, her eyes bouncing from Tom to Jack.
‘Guess who’s moving to Brighton?’ he asks with a grin. He beams, pointing two fingers down at himself. ‘This guy!’
He has to be kidding. That’s the last thing I need. Jack’s dickhead friend hanging around annoying me. Just when I thought this week couldn’t get any worse.
‘No way!’ Molly squeals jumping up to give him a hug like the excitable bunny she is.
‘So, the job interview went well, then?’ Erica says, punching him on his shoulder. ‘When do you start?’
He smiles back at her like a proud little boy. ‘Next Monday, but it’s only a temporary contract for the first few months. Apparently I’ve got to prove myself before they’ll sign me up properly. So... I was hoping I can stay at yours until I find a place?’
Erica’s eyes widen, staring intently at me. ‘Well, this is perfect! Alice needs a new roommate and you’re looking for somewhere.’
I look back at her as if she’s stupid. Does she honestly think I’d live with this Neanderthal?
‘Err, I don’t think so,’ I snort, unable to hide my disgust at the idea.
Tom’s face falls, his piercing green eyes narrowing on me. ‘Don’t pretend you wouldn’t love to live with me and play wife, Ice Queen.’
I fake a physical shudder. ‘I would rather live with anyone than you.’
‘But you were just saying how desperate you were,’ Molly says, with a befuddled look on her face. I hate when she acts all dumb and innocent. We all know she’s smart as hell and just plays on that silly blonde thing.
‘Desperate for me, are you, baby?’ Tom taunts, fluttering his eyelashes.
‘Ugh, just shut up. You’re not living with me. I’d rather get evicted.’
He writes down his number on the bill and hands it over. ‘Whatever you say, Ice Queen. Call me when you come to your senses.’
‘I’ll let you know when hell freezes over.’
* * *
Tom
Nicholas snorts. ‘There’s no way Alice is going to let you live with her.’
I smirk. ‘Mate, not only is she going to beg to live with me, but I’ll be banging her before I move out.’
‘Banging her?’ Jack laughs. ‘Fuck, you’re delusional.’
I scoff confidently. ‘Not only that, but I’ll bag her too. Get her to fall for me.’
Nicholas creases over laughing. ‘Don’t make me die! She’d never fall for you. You’re polar opposites.’
‘She’ll be in my bed, begging for my cock.’
They erupt laughing. ‘Mate,’ Jack chuckles, ‘you’ve got more chance of bagging a racoon than you have with Alice.’
‘Wanna bet?’ I ask, acting far cockier than I feel.
‘I’d defo put a wager on that,’ Nicholas nods, ‘but I don’t want you to lose your money.’
‘I was just thinking the same about you,’ I retort, too proud to back down.
‘Fine,’ Nic says, folding his arms in front of him. ‘Let’s call it fifty quid.’
I scoff. ‘Make it a hundred.’ Right now, I haven’t got fifty pence to my name, but he doesn’t have to know that.
‘Done,’ he says shaking my hand. Jack just rolls his eyes. ‘Easiest money I ever made.’
‘Prepare to eat your words.’
Operation ‘Bagging Alice’ is in progress.