Friday 19th October
Alice
Today we’ve all got the day off work to drive up to Peterborough. It was Charlie’s birthday on Wednesday and his family have insisted on throwing him a birthday party, even though it’s his thirty-second birthday. Apparently, they do it every year.
The lads told us it’s because he’s an only child and they absolutely dote on him. I think it’s adorable. I’d love parents to be excited to celebrate the day I was born, but mine normally just invite me round for dinner so they can judge my life choices. That’s something to look forward to in a month or so. I shudder just at the thought of it.
Tom’s insisted on driving, claiming that I’m a shit woman driver. I only asked him to park my car on the road for me once. I’m not the best parallel parker at the best of times, and our road is filled up by six pm. Jack and Erica are in the car with us, while Brooke’s taking Molly and Evelyn. I’m in the back with Erica, while the boys talk shit in the front.
‘So, have you been missing home, Tom?’ Erica asks him.
‘I’ve barely been gone,’ he chuckles. ‘But, yeah, it’ll be nice to see all of the lads together. But I’ve got to put up with the pussy harem.’
‘Sorry?’ I snort. ‘Did you honestly just say the pussy harem? Who the hell do you think you are? Tom Hardy?’
I see him grin in the mirror. ‘I have been compared to him.’
The annoying thing is that I can see that. He reminds me of him when he was younger and cleaner looking, before he got roughed up and utterly fuckable.
‘But seriously, you think you have a little fan club here, do you?’
‘Hey,’ he snorts. ‘I can’t help that I’m in demand. Unfortunately, there’s just not enough dick to go around.’
‘I’ve heard there’s just not enough dick,’ Jack snorts. Tom reaches across and punches him playfully on the arm.
‘You’ve been talking to some jealous exes, mate. They’re all gagging for a bit of me.’
I roll my eyes. ‘God, you are so self-assured. I can’t wait to meet your parents. Find out what kind of idiots raised you.’
He grins. ‘I think it’s a bit too soon for you to be meeting the parents, sweetheart. I haven’t even fucked you yet.’
Erica bursts out laughing. So not the supportive friend I’m looking for right now.
‘Forget the ‘yet’ part of that sentence. You will never fuck me.’ God, he’s even got me talking like him.
He snorts. ‘Prepare to eat your words, babe. That and my dick.’
‘Oh my god, you are such a fucking pig!’ I shout. ‘I can’t believe I’m being forced to live with you.’
‘That’s not what you said when you rang me up begging me to move in with you. I remember some pleading going on. You sounded pretty desperate for me. Get ready to be that desperate again, baby.’
Ugh, I despise when men call women ‘baby’. Like we’re some infant that’s unable to look after themselves without a protective man. How pathetic. Everyone knows men wouldn’t even exist if us women didn’t experience the most excruciating pain imaginable to bring them into the world.
‘You’re right, I was desperate. As in, had no other choice as to how to make the rent.’
‘God,’ Jack laughs. ‘You guys are like an old married couple.’
‘Maybe you do need to sleep together,’ Erica laughs. ‘Just to get rid of this sexual tension.’
I glare at her. ‘Just when I thought you’d be on my side, you go and say something stupid. There is no sexual tension between us. Just tension.’
Tom laughs. ‘Well, maybe you should let me massage that tension right out of you.’
‘Fuck off, Tom. Never gonna happen.’ I rest my head against the window and close my eyes, purposely showing that I intend to go to sleep.
They all laugh like it’s fucking hysterical. Dickheads. I’ll be having words with Erica later. Just because she wants to go on loads of double dates, she wants us all to get with each other. Well, that’s not how real-life works. And that’s definitely not how Alice Watts works.
* * *
What the guys failed to tell us is that not only does Charlie’s family celebrate with a party every year, but also that they enjoy embarrassing him by surprising him with a different childhood theme. This year it’s a Batman party.
We’re handed Batman masks as we enter the large village hall filled to the brim with black balloons, hanging bats and a huge sign on the wall that says ‘Welcome to Gotham City. Happy birthday, Charlie.’ There’s a huge buffet table along one wall with buckets of beer in ice and a green punch called ‘Joker Juice’.
‘Help yourself to drinks,’ a lady dressed as Joker says to us. Not a sexy Joker woman version like you’re thinking. I’m talking the proper scary looking Heath Ledger version, and this is a woman in her early fifties.
The guys say hello and give her a kiss on the cheek.
‘This is Charlie’s Mum, Karen,’ Jack shouts over the loud disco.
I stare back at the woman. Wow, she’s really gone to town on her outfit. She’s sprayed her hair bright green and drawn her red lipstick all the way to her ears. She has on a purple pin-stripe suit which looks at least a size too small. I’m expecting it to burst and to be blinded by a button any minute. Underneath, she has on a green shirt showing far too much cleavage, and a yellow waistcoat.
We wave our polite hellos. Molly spots us and comes running over. ‘Oh my god, you’ve met Charlie’s mum. Aren’t his family hilarious and so sweet?’
‘Yeah, they’re something, for sure,’ Erica says in my ear.
I decide to just throw myself into it and pour myself some of the Joker juice. Looks like I’m in for a weird night. Might as well embrace it.
* * *
I actually can’t believe how loved Charlie is. At first, I found it weird for them to be throwing a children’s themed party and obviously dressing up. I was really shocked when his Dad was dressed as Robin in very tight exposing lycra. Let’s just say I could see everything. Everything.
But now that I’ve had time to chat to his family, I see how lovely and down to earth they are. Despite being an only child, he has over fifteen first cousins, some with kids of their own dancing around in little Batman outfits. Watching him interact with them all really warms my heart. They all seem super close. It makes me wish my family were like this.
I’m just at the bar getting a round in when I hear a gaggle of girls talking about Tom.
‘You can’t still want him, can you, Rachel?’ one friend asks.
‘Of course I do! I know it’s crazy, but once you’ve had Tom ‘Manwhore’ Maddens, you can’t go back to normal guys.’
‘I totally agree,’ another joins in. ‘He’s ruined me for other men.’
‘Right!’ another one cackles. ‘It’s like he injected some crazy juice into my veins or something. I mean, I have never, and I mean never come like that before in my life.’
‘Amen, sister!’ They all burst out laughing.
Jesus. I don’t know what to be more surprised about—the fact Tom was right about all of these girls lusting over him, or the fact that he sounds amazing in bed. My past very limited experience has been that the more a guy is a slut, the worse he is in bed. He’s never had to try hard, never had to please a long-term girlfriend. Just pumped and dumped. Gotten on with his life.
Now I know he’s an orgasm master, well... I can’t help but think of him differently. Maybe with some newfound respect. No, shit, what am I thinking? I must have had too much of that Joker juice. I don’t respect Tom. The guy’s a pig. I decide to order shots instead.
I’ve just finished downing a second one when I’m approached by a tall slim guy with fair hair. He’s good looking enough. Looks quite wholesome.
‘Hi, I’m Charlie’s cousin.’ Of course he is, they all are. ‘How do you know Charlie?’
‘Oh, it’s kind of a long story.’ I’m too drunk right now to even start to begin about Jack and Erica being reunited on holiday and it having changed all our lives.
‘I’d love to hear it sometime.’ He grins, and I find myself blushing. Drunk Alice has not got game. ‘I’m busy with family tonight, but maybe I could take your number and hear it another time?’
Oh, bless him. It’s been a while since I’ve been chatted up. I open my mouth, just about to tell him thanks, but no thanks, that I actually live in Brighton, when I spot Tom staring at us both from across the room. His eyes are narrowed, his ears bright red. He seems furious. Why the hell would he be furious with me? I should give this guy my number, show Tom that I’m not the ugly little ducking he thinks I am.
‘Yeah, okay,’ I smile, taking his offered phone and putting in my name and number.
I awkwardly wave, spin on my heel and bring the tray of drinks back over to the table.
‘Having fun there, Alice?’ Charlie shouts over the music with a grin.
I feel myself turning bright red. Tom is glaring at me like I have the devil inside me. What is his fucking problem?
‘Who wants to dance?’ Brooke asks, clearly having sensed my awkwardness.
‘Yes!’
We all pile onto the packed dance floor. Everyone is drunk enough now to shake their arses without feeling self-conscious. I’m dancing across from Brooke when I feel arms on my hips. I look at Brooke with wide eyes, praying for help from whoever is daring to touch me. She just grins and dances away from me.
I tense.
‘Sssh,’ they whisper in my ear. ‘It’s just me.’ It’s Tom’s voice.
Tom has his hands on my waist and is dancing against me.
‘It’s just a dance, Ice Queen.’
I can’t help it, I dance. Blame it on the Joker juice, or maybe the sexual tension that earlier I was sure was just plain tension, but before I know it, I’m pushing my arse back ever-so-slightly and grinding against him.
He places his head on my shoulder, with a pleasant view of my barely there cleavage. He’s wasted too which helps me reassure myself that this is just a dance. It doesn’t mean anything, and I won’t be embarrassed tomorrow.
His hands wrap all the way around my waist. God, it feels good. It must be because I haven’t been touched in a while. That and I’m desperate for an orgasm that I now know Tom could give me.
The song changes, and just as fast as he was here, he’s gone, his weight no longer pressing against me. I turn to ask him what’s up but freeze when I see him dancing exactly the same way with one of his fan club.
My heart sinks. I’m such a dickhead. Thinking for even a drunken moment that Tom ‘Manwhore’ Maddens might actually fancy me. Might actually be interested in more than a warm vagina to park his dick for the night.
I’m such a twat, and I can’t help but feel completely humiliated in front of everyone. Even though everyone is pretty wasted and doesn’t seem to have noticed, just knowing that for a fleeting moment I considered the possibility of me and him makes me feel stupid and dirty. I will never be a Maddens whore.