It was hard to breathe. My chest was closing in, tighter and tighter. Through pursed lips, I sucked on the Ventolin puffer.
Breathe, Lily, breathe. Keep it together. Be strong for Mum. One breath at a time.
I looked down at my hands. They were shaking uncontrollably. Stop it! But they didn’t stop it and my teeth chattered too, just as my legs began trembling. I reached for a plastic chair opposite the nurses’ station in the intensive care unit. I sat and I prayed. I prayed hard. I made all kinds of deals with God.
‘Oh sweetheart, you’re as white as a ghost. Here, let’s get you warmed up.’ An older nurse wrapped a space blanket around me. ‘Can I get you a cup of tea?’
I tried to say, ‘No, thanks,’ but all that came out was a strangled cry.
‘It’ll be all right, love.’ She patted my shoulder. ‘There, there. Have you got anyone to call to sit with you?’
‘My bro-ther. N-Nick. He’s c-coming. They told m-me.’
‘Who’s they, love?’
‘P-police.’
She nodded sagely. ‘I’m sure he won’t be long, then.’ Her pager beeped and she excused herself and rushed off.
I shut my eyes and rocked myself, begging my body to cooperate and stop the trembling that was becoming really annoying.
Every time the door swung open and doctors or nurses bustled out, I got my hopes up for an update on Mum, but none of them so much as looked my way.
Nick arrived after what felt like hours but was probably only about twenty minutes. I flew out of the chair and we clung to each other. He didn’t let go until my shaking stopped.
I filled him in on what I knew about Mum’s condition.
‘They had to revive her for a third time soon after they brought her here. Since then she’s responded to pain stimuli and to light, but only from her right eye. She’s got a fractured skull with swelling underneath, so they’ve induced her into a coma to drain the fluid and ease the pressure on her brain, which should stabilise her faster. Once she’s stable, we’ll know more.’
‘Right. Okay.’ Nick slumped down onto a chair, dropped his head into his hands and sobbed.
I wrapped my arms tightly around his heaving body till he finally settled down.
‘I’ve been a prick to her for years,’ he said quietly. ‘I hardly ever call her. I’ve never once been up to Derby. And now we might lose her, Lil. She might die. And then what? What do we do then?’
‘She won’t die, Nick. She just won’t. Mum’s a survivor.’
‘And Ross.’ His eyes filled with fresh tears. ‘Poor Ross. Do you know what happened?’
‘Apparently he was gone on impact.’ I choked down my sob. ‘Never stood a chance.’
‘Oh, Jesus.’ His face was a mix of panic and confusion.
I must have looked like that too. If only Mum could see how terrified we both were right now, she would make sure she got better. She wouldn’t let us go through losing her.
‘Do you know how the accident happened? Did they tell you?’ Nick asked.
‘Apparently a car crossed over to the wrong side of the road, straight into them.’
He shut his eyes and blew out through pursed lips.
Evening turned to night and they still wouldn’t let us see Mum.
Every now and then a different doctor gave us a vague, unhelpful update, like ‘All’s going as is expected’ or ‘No new changes’, until finally at eleven-thirty they came and got us. We washed our hands, put on surgical caps, gowns and shoe covers, and followed the nurse into where Mum slept in the ICU.
It wasn’t my mum. It was a bloated, bruised stranger with a breathing tube inserted between her cut and swollen lips. They’d shaved off a chunk of hair on the left, revealing her bald scalp where the drain was inserted. Attached to her were two monitors, three separate drips and a tube leading to a catheter bag.
‘Ten minutes only,’ the nurse monitoring the screens whispered to us. ‘And stay at least three feet away from all the drips.’
‘Nick.’ I squeezed his hand. ‘Pray with me?’
‘Yeah.’ He squeezed mine back and we prayed.
Once we were back out, a nurse spoke to us in a gentle voice. ‘She’s stable now and has been for the last six hours,’ she said. ‘I suggest you head home now and try and get some sleep. We’ve got your numbers and we’ll call you at the first sign of any change.’
‘I’m not going anywhere.’
‘Me neither.’ I added.
Go home? As if!
‘I wish these stupid seats had arms you could lift up,’ I moaned to Nick in the early hours of the morning, pulling one of the thin cotton blankets higher around my shoulders. ‘My back’s killing me, I need to lie down so badly.’
He replied in a hoarse voice. ‘What if I sit on the floor over there against that wall and you can use my thighs as a pillow?’
‘But what about you? Don’t you want to lie down too?’
‘Lil, I’d take up the whole visitor’s lounge if I did. Come on, come and lie down.’ He got up and took a hold of my hand, pulling me up too. ‘One of us may as well get some sleep.’
As soon as I lay down with my head on Nick’s legs, I fell asleep.
When the sunlight woke me up, I opened my eyes to see Nick’s jaw wide open and his head tilted back. He was snoring deeply. Nobody had come to wake us up, which meant that Mum survived the night. And if I’d learnt anything in my four and a bit years of medicine it was that if a trauma patient survived the first night, their odds of survival improved significantly.
‘Wake up, boofhead.’ I tapped Nick’s chest. ‘Mum’s going to be okay – I know it.’
We were allowed to be with Mum today. We sat in chairs a few feet away from where she slept. I got more information out of one of the registrars when I told her I was in my fifth year of medicine, conveniently leaving out the parts about deferring this semester and failing the last one.
‘Ah, a future doctor! Good for you.’ The registrar, called Orla, smiled warmly. ‘I’ll leave permission for you to access any of her records so you can keep track of her yourself.’
By midmorning, mum’s blood pressure was close to normal and her heart rate was almost regular. The neurosurgeon said they’d do another scan to check the brain swelling and that she might be brought out of the coma earlier than planned.
On a toilet trip later in the morning, I spotted an elderly lady sitting in the same chair I had sat in yesterday outside the ICU. She was crying into her hands. She cut such a lonely figure that I couldn’t just walk past.
I crouched down in front of her. ‘Hey, hello. Are you okay there? Can I get you a glass of water?’
‘Thanks dear, but I’m okay,’ she sniffed.
‘Have you had some bad news?’ I asked.
‘They’re intubating my husband. He was having trouble breathing so I called an ambulance. But I wasn’t expecting all of this.’ She let out a sob. ‘They’ve put him in a coma and they’re putting an artificial breathing tube in. I think I made a terrible mistake and he was better off at home. At least he was conscious then. What if they kill him?’ She put her hand over her mouth.
‘They’re really good doctors here, he’s in the best hands, I promise.’ I placed my hands on her trembling knees. ‘They would never intubate him unless they were absolutely positive there was no other choice. They’re doing it to save his life. So you didn’t make a mistake. Far from it.’
‘Thanks, dear.’ She managed a weak smile. ‘Do you work here?’ She eyed my ripped jeans and Nick’s hoodie, which I’d thrown on.
‘I’m a student doctor.’ For some bizarre reason, it felt good to say that.
‘And what’s your name dear?’
‘I’m Lily.’
‘Would you sit with me please, Lily? I’m frightened.’
I took a wistful look at Mum’s room. ‘Sure.’
‘I’m Nola.’
I sat with Nola until a nurse came and took over.
On my way back to Mum’s room, Orla the registrar walked up behind me and hooked her arm through mine. ‘Nola just informed me that a lovely student doctor named Lily took great care of her. Thank you, you’re a real gem. You’ll make a great doctor.’
Her words made me feel warm inside.
‘If you want to follow me around on my rounds later, I’d be happy to have you,’ she continued.
I swallowed. ‘Um, Orla, I feel really bad about this, but I’m um, well, I dropped out of medicine a few months ago. I was in my fifth year but I deferred second semester. I only said I was studying to get more information about my mum.’
‘I know,’ she replied, without breaking stride. ‘We all know. Bill had me check up on you.’
Bill was the neurosurgeon in charge.
I stopped walking. ‘You knew? So why are you treating me like I’m a student and inviting me to join ward rounds?’
‘Technically you’re still enrolled. You haven’t dropped out, you’ve simply deferred a semester. I don’t like seeing talent go to waste. So whatever brain-lapse you had that made you defer, perhaps I might be able to motivate you back.’ She gave me a knowing grin.
I took a big breath. ‘That’s so nice of you, Orla, thank you. But I don’t belong here at all. I mean, the whole reason I deferred was because I didn’t belong in the course. I’m so emotional and the things I was confronted with tore me apart. I wasn’t strong enough to handle it. Plus I hated the study, and every new ward round I did depressed me more than the last.’
She spread her arms out. ‘Lily, who doesn’t hate the study? We all fecking hate it!’
I laughed.
‘And I call bullshit on you being too emotional. I cry me eyes out at least once a day!’
‘Do you really cry or are you just saying that?’
She pulled out a handful of used tissues all scrunched up in a ball out of her lab coat pocket. ‘I don’t have a runny nose, Lily, look.’ She breathed in an exaggerated way through her nose. ‘See? Clean as a whistle in there.’ She glanced at her pile of sodden tissues. ‘All tears, I tell you. Cried myself a river over the young man up the hall there who came off his motorbike. His poor mother broke my heart. It would be a shame for a doctor not to have a heart, don’t you think, Lily?’
I had to agree with her.
‘And as far as you saying it’s all so horribly depressing.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘Have you done an ICU round?’
I shook my head.
‘Well don’t generalise then because I’ve never met a doctor who thinks it’s depressing here. When we lose a patient, yes for sure, it gets everyone down. But the majority of the time, we’re saving lives – it’s uplifting, life-affirming, wonderful stuff.’ Her eyes sparkled.
‘Mmm.’ I stared straight ahead. ‘Perhaps ICU would be better than burns or oncology.’
‘Burns and oncology?’ She threw her hands in the air. ‘Well, of course you want to quit after those! Why don’t you come on my round today and I’ll show you?’
‘I would have loved to, but I don’t want to leave Mum.’
She nodded. ‘I get it. But just think, Lily, in only two years, the study will be behind you and you could be working on our team. Now I might be wrong, but I have a good feeling about you—’ She was interrupted by her beeping pager. ‘Oh no, I have to go. I’ll catch up with you later.’ She blurted, not looking at me as she ran off.
Another doctor and two nurses morphed out of thin air and ran alongside her, charging through the doors of another room on the ward as a woman’s voice calmly and softly announced ‘code team, ward 11’ just once over the PA system in contrast to the urgency unfolding before my eyes.
Something stirred inside me as I watched them race off with purpose and intensity – responding to a life-or-death situation, and knowing that their actions would be the difference. I felt a kind of hunger, an intense visceral pull that I had never experienced before.
I crept back in to Mum’s room. Nick wriggled in his seat and opened his eyes, squinting at me.
‘You okay?’ He yawned.
‘Yep. I’m okay.’
For once I really was okay. What I had waited my whole life for had happened at last. I had finally been called to be a doctor.
Early in the afternoon, orderlies came and took Mum away for more scans. Nick used my phone to call Craig and let him know what happened.
He walked back into the room a few minutes later with a frown. ‘Craig already knew. It’s all over the news.’
He passed the phone back to me. I ignored the messages and scrolled through my Facebook feed, bored until I saw something that made me freeze.
‘Nick. Nick!’
‘What? What’s wrong?’
‘There’s a video here of the paramedics cutting Mum from the car. Oh my God, there’s Ross. They’ve got Ross on film and you can see that he’s died . . . Over half a million views already – what the hell? Why are people watching this?’ I quickly closed the video, feeling ill. ‘Don’t watch it,’ I warned him.
‘No, no way, I can’t see that.’ He looked away. ‘Craig said there’s a shitload of media camped outside the hospital too. He told me to go out there and tell them the truth because he reckons they’re reporting things like she’s brain dead, that she’s a quadriplegic. They’ve even quoted someone saying I’ve been admitted after having a mental breakdown.’
‘You’ve got to be kidding me. Well if you’re going out there, do you want me to come out with you?’
‘Okay, yeah, if you want.’ He paused. ‘Lil, I’m sorry. It’s all because of me.’
‘You haven’t done anything wrong. You don’t need to be sorry. Let’s just get it over with.’
‘Yep.’ He held his hand out to help me out of the chair.
We covered our eyes with sunglasses and stepped outside to dozens of camera flashes. Nick gave the forty or fifty paparazzi huddled outside a one-sentence statement about Mum, then he said in a no-nonsense tone, ‘You can all leave now. There’s been a tragic accident and we need privacy. That’s my mother in there, guys. I mean, come on.’
I was so proud of my big brother in that moment that I thought I might actually burst.
Some hours later, Mum was wheeled back in, minus the tube that had been draining the swelling in her brain. She was breathing on her own now. I cried tears of joy this time.
‘She’ll start to rouse soon,’ the specialist said, looking at us over his glasses. ‘From what we can see there’s minimal scarring on the brain but of course there’s no way to be sure without testing her when she’s fully conscious. At this stage we’re cautiously optimistic, but it’s best to prepare yourselves for some physical or cognitive impairment.’ He coughed and continued. ‘And she may have trouble speaking at first because the tube might have irritated her trachea. The good news is that her skull, cheek and wrist fractures are all stable so it’s looking like your mother won’t be needing any surgery, which is rather miraculous, to be honest.’
Nick and I exhaled together.
Nick took a back exit to catch a cab home and get his phone while I kept vigil over Mum. When he returned, he was in fresh clothes and in his hands was a book.
‘Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows?’ I raised my eyebrows. ‘You do know that’s the last book in a series right?’
‘Yes, Captain Obvious, of course I know.’
‘Since when do you read anything except crime books?’
‘Since I discovered the magical world of Hogwarts.’ He smirked. He pulled out a book that was hiding behind the Harry Potter one. ‘Here, I got you this.’ He held the book out in front of my face. The price tag from the hospital gift shop was on the front. ‘It’s got a dress on the cover, it’s even called The Dress. And you like dresses so . . .’
‘Aw, thanks, Nick. It looks great.’ I tucked it inside my bag.
‘You’re not going to read it, are you?’ He gave me a dirty look.
‘Not here, no. How could I concentrate? I’ll read it at home when Mum’s better.’
‘When Mum’s better, things are going to be different,’ he said quietly. ‘I won’t treat her badly from now on.’
‘What are you talking about? You already treat her fine.’
‘Nah. I never really forgave her for what she did to Dad. I was still punishing her. No more, though.’
‘When she cheated on him, you mean?’ I whispered in case Mum could hear us.
‘Mmm-hmm.’
‘Remember how they used to think we were asleep but we were actually sitting at the top of the stairs, listening to them fight about that mysterious Matt?’
‘Yeah, and how they would say to each other, “As long as we protect the kids, that’s the most important thing”.’ Nick snorted. ‘They were pretty dumb for smart people, weren’t they? Thinking we didn’t know.’
‘Not dumb, delusional,’ I corrected him. ‘I wonder what he was like though, that Matt.’
‘I never want to find out,’ Nick replied. ‘But if she does come through this, I’m moving on. It’s time.’ He gulped. ‘I regret not getting to know Ross more.’
‘Count yourself lucky. It’s less pain for you now.’ My tears came back.
‘Hey, hey. Come here.’
‘I loved him, Nick.’ I leant on his arm. ‘Poor Mum, first Dad and now Ross.’
‘Poor Mum,’ he agreed.
Time seemed to stand still, and the minutes took forever to creep by, while Mum slept and we waited.
‘Nick?’
‘Mmm?’
‘I think I want to be an ICU doctor.’
‘Yeah?’
‘This is what it’s about, you know,’ I went on. ‘If I knew I could work here, it would make going back to uni for two years worth it. I like the buzz in ICU. It’s intense, but it’s hopeful – not like oncology or burns. I can see myself working here, I know I’d be good. I mean, these doctors, they save lives – like, every single day. How cool would it be to do that as your job?’
He stifled a laugh.
‘What? What’s so funny? I’m being serious.’
He looked at me with an exasperated expression. ‘You’ve just realised for the first time now that doctors save lives? You really are the biggest idiot I’ve ever met.’
I flipped him the bird. ‘Well, I’m going back to uni next year and the year after that will be my final one. Then I’ll get a job in ICU and I’ll be saving lives every single day. And you? You’re just an overgrown dork who kicks a ball around.’
‘Are you sure you can give up your job at Cold Rock to go back to medicine? I mean you’re probably only three or four years from making manager there.’
‘Fuuuuck!’ I slapped my forehead. ‘I was supposed to work today. Oh no! Pass me my bag, quick.’
I checked my phone. Sure enough, there was a missed call from my boss.
I held the phone to my ear and listened to the message as he fired me. ‘Hmm, well, that makes leaving that job easy.’
Nick shook his head. ‘And to think people’s lives are going to be in your capable hands.’
‘Excuse me, Lily, there’s someone called Arielle asking to see you. Would you like to come out and see her?’ A nurse popped her head around the door to ask.
I raced out into Arielle’s arms.
‘Oh my God, Lilz! Are you okay? How’s your mum? I’ve been stuck out in the front foyer for hours and my stupid phone was out of charge.’
She took both my hands and I held onto hers, nice and tight.
Arielle wasn’t allowed into Mum’s room, so I left Nick there and sat with Arielle out in the corridor. I told her everything and half an hour passed by before I knew it.
‘I suppose I should get back in there in case Mum wakes up,’ I said reluctantly.
‘Oh, okay. I’ll just tell Toby to go home then.’
She giggled when she saw the look on my face.
‘What?’ I gasped. ‘Toby? As in my Toby? He’s here?’
‘Uh-huh. He was already here when I got here. He’s been here all day. Hey, his brother is shit hot!’
‘I can’t believe you didn’t tell me until now!’
‘He was the one who made me promise not to until I was ready to leave,’ she replied, unapologetically. ‘He’s actually not the pig I thought he was. He really does care about you.’
My sleep-deprived, traumatised brain was overwhelmed. Toby was here!
All I wanted was to see him, to hold him, to kiss him.
‘Lil,’ Nick came out of Mum’s room in a rush. ‘Mum’s stirring. I think she’s about to wake up. Hurry!’
‘Tell Toby not to leave!’ I ordered Arielle.
‘Sweetheart, I promise you he’s not going anywhere.’ She kissed my cheek and pulled me close. ‘Good luck with your mum. I hope she’s okay when she wakes up.’
I ended up seeing Toby at close to midnight. Because that was when Mum finally settled down after waking up.
When she opened her eyes, her first word in a deep scratchy voice as she clutched her throat was ‘Ross?’
‘Mum!’ I cried jumping out of the chair to stand at her bedside. Nick had beaten me to it.
Nick stood there wordless but I exclaimed, ‘Oh, Mum! I love you so much. Thank God you’re awake.’
She shut her eyes briefly and smiled slightly in recognition.
The nurse was out from behind her desk in a flash. She buzzed the doctor and before I knew it, Nick and I were forcibly moved aside while staff swarmed around the bed.
‘Hello,’ said a doctor I hadn’t seen before. ‘Relax, everything’s all right. You’re going to be just fine. Take some nice deep breaths and have a cough . . . Great, well done. Can you tell me your name? Do you know where you are?’
‘Ross?’ Mum croaked.
‘Do you know what year it is?’ The doctor ignored her question.
Mum thrashed her head around. ‘Ross? Ross?’ She had a desperate look on her face. Our eyes met when she located me standing behind the doctor. ‘Ross?’ she begged of me.
The idiot doctor continued, ‘Can you just tell me your name and date of birth first, please?’
I pushed in and nudged myself between him and Mum. I leaned my forehead in close to hers. ‘You and Ross were in a car accident yesterday.’ I said it slowly and clearly. ‘Do you remember that, Mum?’
She nodded, looking me right in the eyes.
I bit my lip. ‘Ross died in the accident. It was instant, he didn’t suffer one tiny bit.’
She frowned at me like she didn’t get it.
‘I’m so sorry, Mum.’
Nick and I had been so fixated on Mum surviving that we forgot that would be the easy part for her. Waking up to discover Ross was dead – that was the hard part.
She shut her eyes. ‘No,’ she whispered through quivering lips. ‘No. Not again.’
The rest of the day was a blur as poor Mum underwent a slew of assessments and observations while dealing with Ross’s death. And there was nothing Nick or I could do for her except wipe her tears, trying not to hurt her broken cheek as we did so.
She cried for so long that she was literally out of tears and then she dry sobbed after that. In the end she was given a sedative and fell asleep, peaceful at last.
Once she was sleeping, I checked my phone and found a text sent to me at nine-thirty. An hour and a half ago:
Hey Lily, the café downstairs is shut now so I’m out in the car park in my car. No rush, I’ll be here all night. Toby x
‘Toby’s come to see me,’ I whispered to Nick. ‘He’s been waiting downstairs for hours. Will you be okay here on your own with Mum if I go down and see him?’
He gave me a long look. ‘I’ll be fine. The question is will you be okay if you go down and see him?’
My tummy did major tumble turns when I stepped out into the cool night, looking for his car. I saw it parked right under the lights. I remembered all at once how thoughtful and considerate and kind Toby was. Of course he parked his car where it was easily seen so that I wouldn’t have to go looking for it.
As I got closer I felt suddenly self-conscious. I hadn’t showered since Saturday morning in Melbourne – my hair was limp and greasy. I hadn’t even brushed my teeth or put on any deodorant for two days. Jesus, I must stink! And I was about to come face to face with him for the first time in four months. Excellent.
When I looked through his driver’s side window, he was leaning back against the headrest, asleep. Those leapfrogs in my heart, which had been hibernating all winter, woke up full of beans. I put my hand on my chest in a futile attempt to settle them down.
He was here! And he’d stayed all day and he hadn’t gone home even when it got late and he still hadn’t heard a peep from me. He loved me and I loved him, and we’d had enough time to sort ourselves out so everything would be okay now.
I gave the window a gentle tap. He didn’t move. I tapped a little louder and he startled. He looked around disorientated. The ‘where am I?’ look on his face made me giggle.
Then he saw me and he broke into a huge Toby smile and my heart almost bounced out of my chest.
He got out of the car and enveloped me in a hug that took all the bad stuff away.
‘Toby.’ I inhaled his smell, familiar and foreign all at once.
‘You all right?’ he murmured.
‘I am now,’ I said into his chest, tightening my grip on him.
‘Your mum? How’s she?’
‘She’s lost her sight in one eye which is the worst thing. She had a lot of swelling on the brain but that’s settling down, thank God. They took her out of an induced coma. I think she’ll be okay now.’
‘That’s great.’
‘But Ross—’
‘I heard,’ he interrupted. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Yeah. My poor mum.’ I shook the image of Mum’s devastated face out of my mind to stop myself crying and took in the sight of him again. ‘I didn’t know you were back.’
‘It was just supposed to be for the weekend. I just finished a shoot along the Nullarbor so drove the extra day to get home. I was already three hours into the drive back when news of the accident came on the radio this morning so I did a U-turn and here I am. I was worried Ben would be here with you or that you’d refuse to see me but I couldn’t not come just in case you needed me.’
‘No, no Ben. And I do need you.’ I slid my arms down to his waist. ‘Thank you for making that U-turn.’
‘Nothing mattered except being here for you. Nothing from the past mattered anymore,’ he murmured into my hair.
‘I need you to know that there was nothing going on between me and Ben when you saw us together. I didn’t even know he was home from Africa, he just rocked up unannounced. When he knocked on my front door, I thought he was you. Nothing happened, I swear to you, it didn’t. All I did was talk about you to him.’
He nodded. ‘I should have trusted you. I’m really sorry.’
‘It’s okay. I’m sorry about turning on you so suddenly. That was mean of me.’
‘You don’t need to be sorry about that. I came over that night to tell you that you were right about me needing to get over Jen and being too scared to chase my dreams. You were right about everything really. I came to tell you I’d quit my job and about the photography mentorship over east. And I wanted you to meet my family the next time I was home. I came over that night to see if we could start over again. But then I saw Ben there and well . . .’ He trailed off.
We stared at each other for a long time. I stood on my tiptoes and found his lips. As soon as my mouth touched his, it all rushed back to me, every buried feeling at once, and I kissed him harder, devouring him. He kissed me back with just as much hunger but then he pulled his head away sharply and looked off to the side.
‘Lil,’ he breathed. ‘This isn’t a good idea.’
I was having none of that. ‘God help me, Toby, if you don’t get in the backseat of your car with me and make love to me right now—’
‘No.’ He shook his head. ‘I can’t.’
‘No,’ I countered. ‘I can’t. I can’t not be with you. I can’t not have you. Just get in the car, Toby . . . please . . . please,’ I whispered in his ear. ‘Remember that night after Jen died when you were grieving? Remember how much it helped you to be with me? That’s what I need now. I need you to help me.’
‘I want to . . . believe me, I want to,’ he panted. ‘I want to give you everything you need. But you don’t understand. Back in Queensland, there’s a g—’
‘No! Stop!’ I pressed my index finger over his mouth.
Whatever was about to come out of his mouth next, I didn’t want to hear it. I’d had more than enough pain in the last two days, I couldn’t take anymore.
I put my lips back up to his ear and whispered the words I knew full well would hit Toby Watts’ weak spot. The one thing I knew he could never, ever say no to. I whispered what I wanted to do to him, not skipping a single graphic detail.
‘Shit,’ he exhaled. ‘Why are you doing this to me? Why?’
‘Say you don’t want it, Toby.’ I let my breath fall inside the collar of his shirt, down his chest, and he shivered.
‘Don’t. You know how much I want it.’ He dropped his head backwards and shut his eyes while I licked the hollow of his neck.
‘How much?’ I unzipped his fly.
‘More than anything,’ he moaned.
‘Get in the car, Toby.’
He opened the door and fell into the back seat, kicking off his boots. I helped him out of his jeans in a frantic rush, then I climbed in and positioned myself between his bent legs.
As soon as I slammed the door shut behind me, I did what he loved in the way he loved it, until he cried my name out loud and his entire body shuddered as his orgasm exploded into my mouth.
When his breathing finally slowed down, he sat up on his forearms. ‘That was just . . . oh my God . . . you’re unbelievable . . . that was . . . the best thing I have ever known.’
He pulled me down onto my back. ‘Your turn now, beautiful.’
And with that first wet stroke of his tongue, I got exactly what it was that I needed from him – I forgot all about the horror of the last day and my whole world dazzled as I immersed myself in nothing but Toby.
Later, when I was snuggled against his chest, our clothes draped over us as makeshift blankets, he kissed the top of my head and cleared his throat. ‘Lily, I’ve got a girlfriend in Queensland. We were planning to move in together.’
I didn’t answer. Hot tears rolled off my cheek and onto his chest.
‘I’m sorry,’ he murmured.
‘What’s her name?’ I asked, like it even mattered.
He paused. ‘Carly.’
‘Oh.’
He kissed my forehead.
‘Do you love her?’ I tried to keep my voice neutral but failed dismally.
‘I thought I did, until now.’
‘So what will you do?’
‘Well, I’ll tell her that this happened for a start.’
‘Do you think she’ll forgive you?’ I wiped the tears that refused to stop falling.
‘No. Nope. She’ll tell me to fuck off,’ he sighed. ‘And rightly so. I’m actually not even that upset about breaking up with her, which says a lot I guess.’
‘I’m sorry I pushed you into having sex with me,’ I said.
‘No you’re not,’ he chuckled. ‘You’re not sorry at all.’
And I couldn’t help but laugh too, regardless of how huge our mess was.
‘Toby?’
‘Yeah?’
‘Even if you break up with her, you’re not coming back, are you?’ I held my breath.
He was silent. Then, ‘No. My life’s over there now, Lily. I don’t think I could ever live here again. I feel free there. I feel like myself for the first time.’
We fell into silence again before he asked. ‘Would you consider moving there with me?’
I sighed. ‘It’s your life that’s over there, not mine.’ I expected to feel more broken-hearted than I did. I wasn’t sure why I wasn’t more devastated because I still adored him. Perhaps I’d fall apart later. But for now I felt nothing but calm.
‘So what do we do now?’ he asked while he played with my hair. ‘What happens next?’
‘You go back there and you live your life how you were meant to live it, that’s what.’
‘What about you? What happens to Lily?’
‘Me? I look after Mum, and then next semester I go back to uni and in a couple of years, I become a doctor. I meet an incredibly hot guy, way hotter than you, whose life I save after he smashes his Harley. Oh, and he’s loaded too. And really nice and smart. Basically he’s perfect. We get married, have three perfect, impeccably behaved children, buy a big house in the suburbs and a vacation home in the south of France and we live happily ever after. That’s what happens to Lily.’
He chuckled. ‘I hate that rich fucker.’ He lifted his head up to make eye contact with me. ‘Are you really going back to study medicine, though? I thought you hated it.’
‘I thought I did. Turns out I want to be a doctor, after all.’
‘That’s a gutsy call to go back and repeat a year. I’m proud of you.’
I pushed myself up on my hands and stared into his eyes. ‘Thank you for making a U-turn. I’m really glad you did.’
The look he gave me melted my insides. I kissed along his jawline, down to his neck and chest and I brought his nipples to life with my tongue.
He moaned a deep throaty moan and I felt him stiffen against my groin.
‘Do you have anything on you?’ I murmured between long kisses, hoping against hope he did.
‘I was a boy scout, you know.’ He grinned. ‘I’m always prepared.’
The car steamed up from our heat.
I found my way back up to Nick at four in the morning.
‘You guys get back together?’ he asked sleepily.
‘Nope.’
‘Glad to hear it.’
‘Shut-up, douche,’ I slurred and fell asleep, leaning on his shoulder.
I woke up to a long goodbye text message from Toby, and a few minutes later Mum opened her eyes and cried out for Ross again, starting another day of physical and emotional anguish for her.
Later in the morning, she was transferred from ICU to the lesser dependent – but still not out of the woods – critical care ward.
‘I wish there was more I could do.’ Nick stood over her bed wringing his hands. ‘I feel bloody useless!’
‘Nick – you, Lil, you’re what’s keeping me going. You haven’t left my side. You’re the opposite of useless, you’re everything I need.’
‘Excuse me, Nick, there’s a visitor for you.’ A nurse stuck her head into the room.
‘Who would that be?’ I asked him.
He shrugged.
Joel and Bruce had already been in and Nick wasn’t that close to anyone else. ‘Maybe it’s Craig?’ I wondered out loud.
‘Maybe,’ he replied. ‘Back soon, Mum. I’ll get rid of whoever it is quickly.’