I clasped my hands together and shut my eyes tight.
Allah, ya Rab. Please help me. I know I’ve wronged you many times, but I pray for your mercy now. I’m lost and frightened. Please help me be the parent that Ricky needs. Keep me safe for him. I can’t bear for him to lose anybody else.
I ask you to grant me resilience when all I feel is weakness. Grant me courage when all I feel is fear.
I’ve lost so much, too much. My mother has passed away and Noor has left me as well. Help me understand, Allah, why my sister abandoned me when I needed her most. I miss her and I need her to come back in my dreams. Please give her back to me. And in return, I promise to pray every day.
I know that bargaining with you is a sin – forgive me.
I pray that you help me be strong enough to stay away from Nick. Please give me the strength to allow him to live a life free from the public scorn that I brought. Without me, he can dedicate himself once more to his career. He doesn’t need the responsibility of a nineteen-year-old orphan and the secret she carries as well as the responsibility of a child with malignant cancer.
Allah, I need to ask you for one more thing . . .
My eyes opened at the sound of Tante Rosa’s voice.
‘Anwar! Anwar! Enti fen?’
‘I’m here, in my bedroom, Tante Rosa.’
‘What are you doing down there on the floor? Did you fall? Did you find money?’
‘I’m praying.’
‘Praying?’ She put her hands on her hips. ‘Praying? Haven’t you left that a little late? Everything is done! You did not listen to me. No, of course not, you knew better! And look at the revenge Allah took on you.’
‘Tante Rosa, please. My mother was buried today. Please, I beg of you, not tonight.’ I sighed as I got myself off the floor and sat on the edge of my bed.
‘Very well. If you’re praying, pray also that the few patrons we had left at this godforsaken restaurant return after that rock the size of a melon came crashing through the window on Saturday. It is only because Allah blessed us, because of all the praying I do, that it happened when nobody was in the restaurant. Allah protects those who are faithful to him, don’t forget that.’ She pushed me sideways. ‘Move over, I need to sit. Aye, that’s better. It’s good that you want to pray. Allah will be pleased after all that you have done to displease Him. See, only two days away from the footballer and you’re already improving. Don’t roll your eyes, it’s true.’
I played with the duvet, avoiding Tante Rosa’s eyes. ‘Tante Rosa, thank you for washing my mother and preparing her body for the burial.’
‘Yes, well, after the police came and wasted a whole day, I knew it had to be done quickly, to keep with our faith. I didn’t want you to slow me down with your inexperience. This way I could prepare her body in the right way,’ she said in a gruff voice.
‘I know that was not the reason you wouldn’t let me help and I’m very grateful. I don’t think I would have coped.’
‘Aye, more crying?’ she clicked her tongue. ‘Come, come, child, no more crying. You must be stronger than this. Pray. Pray for strength. You’re all Ricky has left now.’ She put her arm out and drew me to her bosom.
‘He has you too, and Ahmo Fariz.’ I reached for a tissue and wiped my eyes.
‘Why are you so quiet?’ She said after a while ‘This is a very long silence for someone who always has too much to say. If you’re going to sit here silently much longer, I have chores to do.’
‘I was quiet because I was thinking.’
‘About the footballer?’
‘No. I was thinking about how you said that I’m all Ricky has left. What about me? Who do I have left?’ I’d twisted the tissue into a long thin rope.
‘Well of course you also have me, silly girl. Aren’t I here sitting with you now, after all?’ She gave my shoulder a squeeze.
I was surprised by how much her touch comforted me, by how much I actually needed to feel close to her.
‘Tante Rosa, why are you always so angry with me? I don’t understand. What did I do to you?’
She didn’t answer.
‘Now it’s you who’s silent,’ I muttered.
‘I’m deciding whether to tell you something or not. Be quiet, let me think.’ She put her hands in her lap, closed her eyes and dropped her head.
After a while I cleared my throat. ‘Tante Rosa, it’s been a long time that you’ve been sitting here with your eyes shut. If it’s this hard to decide whether to tell me or not, perhaps you just shouldn’t tell me.’
She opened her eyes and when she spoke, the tone of her voice changed. She sounded far away. ‘Listen, I will tell you why I have been firm with you. I didn’t want you to end up like me. Pregnant and alone.’
What had she just said? Did I hear her correctly?
‘Close your mouth, Anwar, you look like a guppy fish with it hanging open.’
I closed my mouth, but my eyes stayed wide.
‘What?’ she demanded. ‘You think you’re the first person to ever fall in love with the wrong man? You think I always looked like this?’ She waved her hand over her body. ‘I was just as beautiful as you when I was young. Beautiful enough when I was eighteen years old, to catch the eye of the son of one of the wealthiest sheikhs in the whole of the Middle East when he was visiting Mamoura. But the mistake I made cost me dearly. He lost all interest in me as soon as he found out that I was pregnant. My dream of attending university with your mother was over, just like that. I was forced to leave our home. My parents banished me like a leper to a special home in Lebanon for women in my situation. But then only a week before she was due to be born, my child died.’ She swallowed and took a few seconds to continue. ‘The doctors could not find the cause of her death. But I knew why. It was because my baby knew that she and I would be separated as soon as she left my womb and she could bear it no more than I could. And so, I gave birth to her and I held her little body in my arms and nobody ever got to take her away from me . . . Aye, Anwar! Allaho’akbar, crying again?’
The tears burned my eyes. ‘Thank you for sharing your story with me, Tante Rosa.’ I placed my hand over hers and gave it a squeeze. ‘You’ve helped me make an important decision.’
‘What decision?’ She narrowed her eyes at me.
‘Nothing.’
‘Hmmph. Well, now at least you understand why I’ve been firm with you. Let us not speak of it again. Now look what I have here for you. If you need more reason to keep away from that worthless non-believer, Nick Harding, here he is on Saturday night, look at him!’ From the pocket of her apron, she pulled out a folded page of the newspaper and spread it out over her lap.
My breath caught at the picture of Nick with Arielle. He had his arm around her, leaning in close. It looked like he was talking in her ear.
‘After he was here banging on the door and begging for you to let him in. Look at where he went and what he did no more than a few hours later. Full of beer to his eyeballs, I’ll bet, and no shame – look at how he is falling over that girl. And look at her with that pink hair!’
‘Stop, stop, Tante Rosa,’ I sobbed. ‘I can’t deal with this today.’
‘Stop your crying,’ she said sternly. ‘This is a good thing for you to see and for you to remember. It will make you strong. If you are ever tempted to go back to him, look at these pictures.’
‘It hurts more because I know her. She’s the one girl he loved before me. Couldn’t he have even waited one day before going to her?’
‘The one girl he loved before you? Have you not seen all the magazines? There were one hundred and one girls he loved before you, my dear, not just one,’ she snorted. ‘This is what I have been telling you all along. He belongs to a loose culture that you do not belong to. It is lucky you told him to go before you ended up pregnant and alone.’
I froze at her words.
‘What?’ Tante Rosa said with narrowed eyes. ‘What is that look on your face?’
‘No, nothing.’ I gulped.
‘Don’t lie to me. You think I can’t tell when you’re lying?’
‘It’s just . . . I’m not ready to share this piece of news yet.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I feel weak enough already with my mother gone and now seeing those photos of Nick, that I don’t think I could cope with you yelling at me as well if I told you what it is.’
‘Listen to me, Anwar. What could you tell me that is worse than me ending up pregnant and alone?’
I let out a small sad laugh.
‘Anwar, listen to me, I promise not to be hard. Just tell me.’ She looked me in the eye and I believed in that moment that she was being truthful and that indeed she wouldn’t yell at me. I trusted her. Ha!
‘Tante Rosa, I’m worried you will think that the only thing worse than you being pregnant and alone is me being pregnant and alone.’ I looked her in the eye.
‘Ah ya Rab!’ she hollered, startling me. ‘You foolish, foolish girl. All the pain I tried to save you from, all the advice I gave you is wasted. You did not listen to me and now you are paying the price. Anwar, what have you done? What have you done?’ she wailed.
‘I knew I shouldn’t have told you!’ I shouted back, tearfully.
‘Don’t be ridiculous, of course you had to tell me.’ She waved her arms in the air. ‘Who else will go with you to have the abortion? You cannot go alone.’
‘What do you mean? I’m not having an abortion.’ I placed my hands over my stomach.
She shook her head at me. ‘You are even more stupid than I thought. With what money will you raise a child? How will you go to university? Have you thought about any of this?’
‘No. I’ve only known that I’m pregnant for two days and since then my mother died. I have thought of none of these things. All I have thought is that Allah has blessed me in the middle of all the heartache with a baby to love.’
‘Forget this foolish talk of love and blessings. For once in your life, think.’ She tapped her temple with her index finger. ‘Perhaps it’s for the best that your mother passed away. She was spared this shame. You’re going to send me to the grave along with her, with all this scandal you continue to bring. It follows you like a shadow, Anwar.’
‘You just told me the same thing happened to you! How can you judge me so harshly when you did the same thing?’ I cried. Why had I confided in her? I should have known this was how she would respond. She was Tante Rosa after all.
‘Help me up, Anwar.’
I stood and held out both of my arms that Tante Rosa gripped as she heaved herself off the bed.
‘Aye,’ she moaned. ‘I need to see a doctor about this back of mine. I’m going to pray that you make a wise decision and stop being so foolish. And do not say I did the same thing. I never sinned with a non-believer.’
When Tante Rosa closed the bedroom door behind her, I counted my blessings that I still had Ahmo Fariz and his enormous good heart. On Saturday his kindness stretched even further than it had before. When he found my mother hanging, he locked the door and released her from the noose. I imagined how great his shock and distress must have been like to see her like that, but he did not make a sound to alert us until he had laid her on his bed, placed her tongue back in her mouth, closed her eyes, taken off and disposed of her underwear and pants, and found a hijab of Tante Rosa’s which he used as a scarf to cover up the rope burns. He covered her bare legs with a rug before he unlocked the door and let us in.
I would be forever grateful to darling Ahmo Fariz for sparing me. To have seen my mother hanging, I think would have killed me. That she chose to set up the rope and stool in the bathroom that she knew only Ahmo Fariz used showed how much forethought Mama had placed in her death. And that horrified me even more.
I only found out about Ahmo Fariz’s kindness and the incontinent, eye-bulging state he found Mama in, when I overheard him telling Rosa in a distressed voice all about what he had endured while they sat together in the kitchen, unaware that I was eavesdropping from the hall.
Strangely, before I even knew my mother had died, I already thought it was a cursed day because I had made the heartbreaking decision to end my relationship with Nick.
I had arrived at this decision when I witnessed what the reporters did to Nick after the march and with the news that he might be suspended from the Rangers. Hearing the Rangers’ president tell the assembled media at the club grounds that Nick did not reflect the values of the club crushed me.
But then it got worse. There was an enormous crash and we all rushed to the front of the restaurant where the noise came from to see the front window smashed and a large rock inside the restaurant. We also found the words ‘Rangers not Refugees’ spray-painted all the way across the front wall.
Were it during dinner service that the rock was hurled, someone could have been killed. And all because of my relationship with Nick.
I couldn’t bear for Nick to continue to have his career damaged, nor could I keep putting my family in this kind of danger. The only right thing to do for them all was to let Nick go. It would be better for everyone this way – everyone except me.
And so even though I thought my heart was already broken, the worst heartbreak of all was still waiting for me. My mother, gone.
In my bedroom that night, after all the awful events of the day, I found a note under the sheet. A note that I tore up in a violent rage but the words of which could never be erased from my tortured mind.
Anwar, I cannot live. I’ve tried and I’ve failed. It’s too much for me. And I can’t keep taking bigger and bigger doses of the medicine. It’s no good, this life, for me or for you. For a long time I’ve wanted to stop taking the medicine, but you, ya habibti, you forced me to take it against my will.
You gave me no choice but to be deceptive. I stopped the medicine, instead I just hid the tablets under my tongue to spit out when you turned your back. This is the best thing I could have done because it gave me clarity and I have all the answers now. Allaho’akbar! At last a solution! Now I know that I must die. And then I will be freed, and you, my precious one, will also be freed to live your life without me burdening you. In death I will find paradise. Isn’t this what Allah promises? I’ve been faithful to Allah – Heaven awaits me now. I dream that my paradise will be an eternity of blissful nothingness where there are no memories, where there is no guilt. How my heart leaps for joy while I think of this! See how I’m solving all our problems? I leave you with love, ya amri. Please don’t be angry with me – instead rejoice that you don’t have to worry over me any longer. Worrying is for the old. You are young. Be young! Ya habibti ana, Allah maaki.
Mama x
Nick came to the door, soon after I had found the note. Fariz had called him and told him the news. I wished he hadn’t.
I explained to Nick all the reasons why we must break up but I don’t remember which words I used or if they even made sense. I don’t remember what he answered. But I do know that I was as brief as I could be. I spoke only the words that needed to be spoken, and then I returned to my bedroom and screamed and screamed into the pillow, so nobody could hear me.
And I screamed only one word again and again – Mama.
Nick refused to go home. He stayed outside and called out to me during the evening from outside my window. He sent me message after message on my phone until I discovered a way to block his number. And while he called my name from outside, I turned to Allah, and He gave me what I asked for. I found the strength to resist him.
Seeing these photos of Nick now, that Rosa had left for me, where he was clearly drunk and leaving the restaurant with his arms around Arielle, I wondered, were they proof of him forgetting me? Were they evidence of him punishing me for the pain I caused him? I didn’t want to believe he was really with Arielle. I was so sure of Nick’s loyalty to me – but then again I had rejected him so I’d given him reason to lash out. Part of me did believe he was innocent and that these photos were misleading. Perhaps he was just very drunk and unaware of cameras as he held onto an old friend for support. It seemed impossible that he could turn to another woman so quickly.
But anything was possible now. My mother was capable of abandoning me after I had already lost my father and sister, when she was all I had left.
Even if these photos told a truthful story, then it might be for the best. Nick needed to return to his old world. And that world included other women. And I needed to retreat into my new world – one where I was a responsible parent, not the girlfriend of a celebrity footballer.
I dropped to my knees again and clasped my hands together with my elbows resting on my bed. No sooner had I silently prayed the words, ya Rab than Ricky tapped me on the shoulder.
‘Ricky! You gave me a fright. I didn’t hear you come in.’
‘Anna, why are you kneeling on the floor?’ He tilted his head and frowned. ‘And why are you crying?’
‘Why don’t you tell me what you have been up to first?’
‘I was counting money with Ahmo Fariz. I counted fifty-cent pieces all the way up to ten dollars.’ He spread his arms out wide. ‘And Ahmo Fariz said I am a genius and geniuses deserve to be rich so he gave me another ten dollars and, look,’ he pulled out two crumpled ten dollar notes from his trackpants pocket, ‘it makes twenty dollars now to put with the other money in my money box. Why are you kneeling, Anna?’
‘Come habibi, come and kneel with me. I’m saying a prayer. I’m very proud of your clever money counting. Let’s pray together. Who would you like to pray for?’
He took his place on the carpet beside me and imitated my clasped hands. ‘Henry.’
‘Henry? Why?’
‘Because he lost his tooth in the playground at recess and everyone looked but we couldn’t find it, and he was crying because now he doesn’t know if the tooth fairy will come or not because usually she has to have the tooth as proof, doesn’t she, that you actually lost one and aren’t just pretending because you want money? So I want to pray that the tooth fairy will believe that Henry really lost his tooth and that she’ll come to visit him tonight.’ His innocent eyes were wide with concern and my heart swelled for him.
‘Okay, yes, that’s a lovely thing to pray for. Shut your eyes tight and pray for Henry.’
‘And Leila,’ he added solemnly. ‘I want to pray that Leila makes it all the way to heaven and that she isn’t sad anymore.’
‘Yes, that too.’ I looked away from him.
‘Are you crying again?’
‘Yes, my darling.’ My voice broke. ‘I’m very sad because of what happened to my mother. I loved her very much.’
‘I’m sad too. My mum died too, remember? And my dad.’
‘I remember.’ I reached for his clasped hands and put mine over them. ‘It’s very, very sad that your mum and dad died.’
We were silent and eventually I wiped away my tears.
‘Anna,’ Ricky tapped my shoulder again. ‘I just had an idea! Maybe my mum is looking after your mum now.’
‘That’s a lovely thought.’
‘I want my mum and your mum not to be dead anymore. Especially my mum.’
‘Come here, sweetheart.’ I sat up on the bed and pulled him up onto my lap. ‘Opa, there we go.’
He rested his head in the crook of my neck and although he was silent, I soon felt his hot wet tears spill onto my chest.
‘It’s okay, Ricky. Oh habibi, it’s okay, it’s good to let out all the tears when you need to. You’ll feel better after this little cry. It’s all going to be okay. We still have each other.’
‘But what if you die too?’ he sobbed. ‘What if your heart stops, just like Leila’s? Or what if you drown like my mum?’
‘Oh no, my heart won’t stop for a long, long time. I’ll be an old, old lady before my heart stops. What you must understand is that my mother was very sick for a long time, and I’m very healthy. And I was the champion of the whole world in swimming. Remember when I showed you that video on YouTube of me winning the world championship? I could never drown! So I’m not going to die. I promise you I won’t.’
He wrapped both of his arms around my neck and I held him even closer to me. ‘Listen, I have an idea. Here’s a tissue for you. Big blow. Why don’t we think of something else to pray for, shall we? What should it be, hmm?’
He sniffed two or three times and then replied, ‘I want to pray that Ahmo Fariz lets me count money every day because I like counting money and being a genius.’
‘Perfect. Let’s shut our eyes and pray for that.’
While he squeezed his eyes shut, I kept mine open and on his innocent face. Once again I begged Allah to keep me safe and well until he was all grown up. ‘Okay, I think that’s enough praying for tonight, Ricky. Now run off and brush your teeth. Then find Tante Rosa and Ahmo Fariz and say goodnight and I’ll tuck you into bed. It’s way past your bedtime and you have school in the morning.’
‘Why weren’t we allowed to go to Leila’s burial? Why did we have to leave after the church?’
‘Well, she had written in her will that after her Christian funeral, she wanted a Muslim burial. And there’s a rule in the Koran that says that Muslim women can’t go. Only non-Muslim women can go. I’m part Muslim so I couldn’t be there. And young boys like you aren’t allowed to attend either.’
He sighed loudly. ‘That’s a dumb rule. I didn’t like it when we had to leave.’
‘Well, it isn’t my favourite rule.’
‘So why didn’t we just go anyway?’
‘I think it’s best we didn’t go. There’s lots of crying that goes on at burials. I think you were much better off at school. So that’s why we left Ahmo Fariz to lay my mother’s body to rest, but we know the important part of her is bound for Heaven.’
‘I would have liked to see Leila go to Heaven. I’m sad I missed that part.’
‘Oh no, you didn’t miss that part at all. You can never see someone going to heaven, you can only feel it in your heart.’
He looked unconvinced. ‘When will I feel it in my heart? I haven’t felt it yet.’
‘Possibly tonight in your dreams, you’ll feel it. Okay, go brush your teeth like a good boy.’
He walked towards the doorway but then hesitated and turned around. ‘Anna?’
‘Yes, Ricky.’
‘Is Nick coming back?’
He watched my eyes closely.
‘No, he’s not going to come back. Nick isn’t my boyfriend anymore.’
His face fell. ‘But I want him to be.’
‘I know, I’m sorry. Okay, off you go, brush your teeth.’ I used a firmer tone now.
He didn’t move. ‘But I really want him to come back. And I want Bluey!’
I sighed. ‘I know, I’m sorry, Ricky. We might see Nick and Bluey later on, but for now it will just be us and Ahmo Fariz and Tante Rosa.’
His stamped his foot. ‘It’s not fair! I want to go to Nick’s!’ he whined.
I couldn’t deal with this today. I knew that I should explain things better to him but I didn’t have the energy to. ‘I know it’s not fair,’ I said sharply, standing up and walking over to him. I passed him a tissue, and with my hand on his shoulder I guided him out of my room. ‘Here you go, here’s another tissue. Go straight to the bathroom now, please.’
‘Anna?’ He asked when he was no more than two feet down the hall.
‘Ah ya Rab,’ I threw my head back. ‘Are you ever going to brush your teeth?’
‘Is Nick still going to pick me up from school?’
‘No. From now on I’ll always be able pick you up myself.’
He grumbled, ‘But that’s boring,’ and walked away.
‘Anna, habibti, are you all right?’ Ahmo Fariz found me leaning against my open bedroom door.
‘Ahlan, Ahmo Fariz.’
‘I wanted to check if you need anything before I go to bed.’
‘No, thank you. There’s nothing I need.’
He frowned. ‘What is troubling you, habibti? I can see it all over your face. I know you’re grieving but you look anxious. Is something else worrying you?’
I burst into fresh tears. Ahmo Fariz pulled me into a hug and I let myself cry as hard as I wanted to in the safety of his protective arms.
‘Shhh, shhh, don’t cry, my girl. Ahmo Fariz is right here and I won’t let anything happen to you.’ He cooed.
His warmth made me cry even harder.
‘What is it, habibti? Tell me. You can trust me.’
‘I can’t tell you,’ I sobbed. ‘You’ll think differently of me.’
‘I leave the judging to God, Anna. Tell me your problem. Problems can weigh you down. They are much better shared.’
Sharing my secret with him was very tempting, but I hesitated. I had shared it with Tante Rosa and all that happened was that she yelled at me. But this was Ahmo Fariz, not Tante Rosa. Ahmo Fariz would never treat me that way.
‘Ahmo Fariz, I’m pregnant.’
His strong arms around me went flaccid and dropped to his sides. I lifted my head to meet his eyes, but he was staring off into the distance.
‘Ahmo Fariz, did you hear me?’
His nostrils flared and his entire face turned a deep red. ‘How could he let this happen?’ he growled in a low voice. ‘Why wasn’t he more careful? I will kill him with my bare hands. Wait until I find him, that, that . . . piece of shit. I’ll make him wish he was never born.’ He sucked the air in and out through curled lips and gritted teeth.
I’d never seen him like this before and I feared for Nick. It was clear to me that Ahmo Fariz meant every word he said.
‘Ahmo Fariz, it’s not his fault!’ I pleaded in a panic as he stormed off towards the back door of the restaurant to the car park. ‘Please, stop. Stop! Listen to me, please.’
He stopped but kept his back to me.
‘Ahmo Fariz, I told him I would take care of it and then I forgot to take my pill – twice.’ My heart was thudding so hard and fast it hurt.
He spun on his heels to face me with hard eyes. ‘How could you? You barely knew him! It must have been only a month or two at the most before you went to his bed like a whore. Have you forgotten all of our morals? Have you forgotten who you are?’
‘You said you would leave the judging to God.’ I looked him in the eyes and he returned my stare.
His eyes watered. If it was only anger that he felt, it would have been easier for me to deal with.
‘Oof. I have to go. I cannot talk to you while I’m this upset. We’ll talk about this tomorrow. In the meantime, I’m going to drive to that animal Nick Harding’s cursed house and give him a piece of my mind and a piece of my fist. That filthy, disgusting . . .’
‘Ahmo Fariz,’ I grabbed his arm as he turned to go. ‘I beg you not to go! He doesn’t even know about the baby.’
‘What? You haven’t told him?’
‘No, I couldn’t. And anyway, Tante Rosa found photos of him in the paper with another woman. He has already moved on.’
‘Ebn el kalb. I’ll slice off his testicles and then feed them to him,’ Ahmo Fariz’s mouth frothed. ‘Ebn el kalb,’ he repeated.
‘Please, Ahmo, please,’ I begged. ‘Stop talking like that. His father was no dog. I’m terrified that you really will do something to physically hurt Nick. You’re scaring me.’ I wiped at the tears that were yet again falling on my face.
With that one line, his demeanour changed. ‘Scaring you? No, no, don’t ever be scared of me.’ His shoulders sagged. ‘Aye, Anna. I need to sit. I’m tired all of a sudden.’ He brushed past me and let himself into my bedroom, taking a seat on the bed. He looked up at me with a more gentle expression. ‘So this pregnancy, what will you do?’
‘I’ll give birth to my baby when the time comes, that’s what I’ll do.’ I followed him into the bedroom and closed the door in case Tante Rosa overheard us and came back.
‘You’re too young to be a mother.’ He put his head in his hands.
‘I’m already a mother, Uncle Fariz. I have Ricky.’
He nodded. ‘This is true. And you still want to have Nick’s child? After all that has happened? After seeing him already with another woman in the paper? I curse the home his father—’
‘Yes!’ I interrupted before he got angry again. ‘Yes – it’s my child too, not just his child.’
‘Your pregnancy will be the final straw with our community. They will completely shun us now. Already my brothers at the mosque questioned me and my morals when I allowed you to date him. And you saw how they reacted each time photos of you were in the news. They ask me why I have not insisted you wear a hijab like your Tante Rosa, but I tell them that I would never be so stupid to think that I can ever get any woman to do as I say. Of course I would prefer you in a hijab but . . .’ he dropped his gaze to his knees. ‘I understand you are not fully Muslim like I would like you to be. If you were fully Muslim, this would not have happened.’
‘It happened to Tante Rosa, nobody is more Muslim than her,’ I answered.
His eyebrows shot up. ‘You know this story?’
I nodded.
‘Rosa made a mistake, indeed, but it was not in the public eye like this mistake of yours. Ever since you began your relationship with this man, we’ve had fewer customers every week. Now, with your pregnancy, that will take care of the remaining few we haven’t offended yet. What am I to do?’
‘I could move away, move out.’ I suggested, the guilt heavy on my shoulders.
‘You think I can turn you out? And then, tell me – what would I live for, if not for you and Ricky? My life would be too lonely without you.’
‘I’m so sorry. I’ve caused nothing but heartache and trouble to everyone I love, including you. I really do need to leave, though, so you can rebuild Masri’s without my bad name destroying it for you any longer. I know how much you love this restaurant. I’ll look for somewhere to rent. And I promise I’ll stay close by so you can still see Ricky and me every day.’
‘Over my dead body will you go and pay rent. Listen to me,’ his eyes met mine, ‘this place is your home as much as it is mine. Don’t forget that. And even though I am upset and angry and very disappointed with you for your bad choices and for disregarding our morals, it is important that you know that you can still lean on me. I am a large man, I can take your weight. Do you hear me, Anna? You can lean on me, now and always.’
He looked old for the first time. I could not have loved him anymore as he sat at the foot of my bed with his hunched shoulders, examining his hands.
‘I hear you, Ahmo Fariz. And I love you. And I thank Allah for you. You really are a father to me, not just an uncle.’
‘Child, listen to me.’ There was an urgency in his tone. ‘You must tell Nick. He must know and he must stand up to his responsibilities like a real man.’
‘I will, Ahmo Fariz, in time I will tell him. But I can’t face him just yet.’
‘Tayeb, ya habibti.’ He let out a groan as he stood up. ‘Sleep well. The worst is over. You have survived the first two days of losing your mother. You can survive anything now.’ He kissed both my cheeks on his way out. ‘Goodnight.’
‘Goodnight, Ahmo Fariz.’