Cindy

Wednesday Afternoon

Rex is more tan than normal when he arrives for our regularly scheduled meeting. Each time I see him he looks more relaxed and self-confident. I honestly didn’t think he would like working with a bunch of spoiled, rich clients, but it’s obviously working for him. As much time as all these girls spend on social media, I’m still concerned that it will all blow up in his face one day. People can be vicious if jealousy comes into play.

“You look like you had a nice Labor Day weekend,” I say, joining him in the therapy room.

“You do too. You must’ve been in Carmel?” He clicks off his ringer and shoves his phone in his pocket, but I can still hear it buzzing.

“Yes. We had a nice relaxing weekend. We didn’t do much of anything except grilling, drinking wine and enjoying the beach.” I open Tracy’s file. “Did you and Tracy have a nice time in Santa Barbara?”

“For the most part.” He shrugs unconvincingly. “The weather was great and I always enjoy spending time with her.”

“But…” I coax him to tell me the issue. There obviously was one by the expression on his face.

“Jessica and a couple of my old clients kept calling me,” he informs me with a scowl. “I find it odd that both Sammy and Victoria chick started calling me again, out of the blue. Something’s going on and I don’t like it. I hadn’t heard from Sammy in almost four years, not long after her mother died.”

“I’ll see what I can find out.” I pull out Jessica’s file and make a note about the three of them. “Hopefully Jessica isn’t stirring up anything online.” I bite my upper lip as a feeling begins to brew deep within me. “How did you think things went with Jessica?”

“The sex was incredible,” he says with a chuckle. A little redness flushes into his cheeks and his eyes dilate, like he said it without thinking.

“Bad sex has never been an issue with any of the clients that I’ve followed up with.” I feel my own cheeks getting warm now. “You’re going to have to tread lightly with Jessica though. I was honestly reluctant to refer her to you. So just be careful.”

“Yeah, she didn’t want to leave Saturday morning. If it wasn’t for the fact I had to catch a flight, I’m not sure she would’ve left willingly,” he admits. “Then when she started calling within a couple hours, I got a little concerned. Then on Sunday the other girls called and my head started spinning. Like, what the hell?”

“You’ll just have to tell her you don’t carry your phone with you when you’re working or something,” I suggest, not wanting him to get in trouble right off the bat. “Do you have a separate personal phone?”

“I’ve always just had one number, but now I’m seriously thinking about getting a new one.” He shakes his head and crosses his arms defensively. “They can go harass someone else. I’m not going to put up with any shit. Maybe I’ll just make everyone book through the website and not let them call me anymore.”

“Just make it part of your voicemail message,” I suggest, seeing that it’s really bothering him. “I’ll be seeing Jessica on Thursday, so I’ll have a talk with her about boundaries too. For some reason, she seems to think the normal ones don’t apply to her.”

“I enjoyed going out with her and honestly the sex was incredible, but she has to understand that I’m never going to be her boyfriend or whatever. I’ve gotten pretty damn good at compartmentalizing my feelings and that’s the way it is.” He gets up from his chair and walks over to the window, looking down at the street below. “Did I tell you I bought that new Ferrari?”

“You did? Congratulations! Now you’ll have to find another big ticket item to keep you motivated,” I tease, knowing that he had been saving up for months.

“Yeah, that’s left me a little cash poor at the moment, so I’ll have to behave and keep everybody happy.” He shoves his fingers through his hair and wanders back toward me. “Why can’t all women be more like you, Cindy?”

“Because, if everyone had their act together like me, then you and I wouldn’t have anything to do.” I laugh, knowing that I’m about as messed up as the rest of them. Some of us are just better at keeping it concealed from the rest of the world.

“I have another new client tomorrow night,” he says, looking at his calendar on his iPhone. “Elsa Davis. What’s her story?”

“Same story, different girl. You mentioned Sammy earlier and that’s exactly who Elsa reminded me of the first time I met with her. She’s pretty, but doesn’t believe it. A very entrepreneurial father who was never around and a mother who has a long history of alcoholism and prescription drug abuse.” I pull her file from the bottom of the stack. “Hydrocodone is her latest vice according to our last conversation.”

“I get down on my parents for being workaholics, but I guess it could’ve been worse,” Rex says with a smirk. “Can you imagine my mom being addicted to drugs?”

“No. I really can’t.” I have to laugh at the thought of it. “Or your dad. He’s always been so damn serious whenever I’ve seen him.”

“No shit. Apparently our mail man was the one who was athletic and had a sense of humor,” he says with a wondering look in his eyes. “There’s no other explanation. Although my grandpa on Mom’s side was a funny guy. He would embarrass her all the time, which is why I loved him so much.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed you like embarrassing people.” I narrow my eyes at him. “Especially me.”

“You’re just so beautiful when you blush.” He gives me that inappropriate look that always makes me melt inside. “So is Thomas ever going to make it legal? You guys have been engaged forever,” he adds, nodding at my engagement ring.

“It’s kind of complex. He’s got an ex and three kids as well as two businesses.” I pause, realizing I’m reiterating the same old excuses he’s been giving me the past three years. “I honestly don’t know. Sometimes I feel like the neglected housewife and we aren’t even married yet. I just don’t want to believe that I’ve thrown away another decade. I’m running out of chances.” I turn away, feeling tears threatening to flood my eyes.

“I’m sorry. I was just teasing,” he says, crouching down next to my chair and placing his hand on my shoulder. “I had no idea you guys were having problems.”

“That’s the thing.” I clear my throat, trying to collect myself. “We get along great when he’s around. Our sex life is fine. But whenever I talk about moving forward, he starts back peddling. Almost like he’s waiting for something better to come along.”

“If he makes you feel that way, you should dump his ass,” he replies, his nostrils flaring. “You deserve someone who treats you like a queen. If he won’t do that, he’s an idiot.” He continues to massage my shoulder, staring at me with those big brown teddy bear eyes of his. I know he’s right. I just don’t want to admit defeat on this one, but it’s only going to hurt more the longer I wait.

“I know. I’ve been putting it off.” I close my eyes, dropping my face into my hands. This is one of those vulnerable times that Rex has referred to in the past. I honestly shouldn’t trust myself around him when I’m feeling this way. “Do you realize he never did show up at my fiftieth birthday party? As if it wasn’t a bad enough day already.”

“You told me he showed up right after I left,” he hisses, narrowing his eyes. “What was his excuse?”

“A meeting ran long. They were leaving for Hong Kong the next morning, so he wanted to wrap things up with them.” I feel the same exact pain in my stomach that I felt that night. “That’s why he bought me this Rolex.” I glance down at the watch that only symbolizes my growing dissatisfaction with our relationship.

“A Rolex is nothing, you know that. He could buy a thousand of them and it wouldn’t make a dent. Was he with you last weekend in Carmel?”

“My sister went with me,” I admit reluctantly. Rex has never liked Thomas and I’ve always blamed it on the fact that he just didn’t like seeing me with someone else. I’m beginning to realize that he doesn’t like him for a more valid reason.

“I knew it. I don’t know why you put up with that shit,” he blurts out, rising back to his feet. “If any of your clients were in this same position, what would you tell them?” He stands with hands on his hips looking down at me, the fiery look returning to his eyes.

“I know. I would tell them to find someone who actually cares about them.” It’s always easier to give someone else advice than it is to follow it yourself. “He’s rich, good looking and like I said, we have a good time when we’re together.”

“You also said your sex life was fine. Fine? Really? Whenever someone says that, you know their sex life sucks.” He rolls his eyes and takes a step toward the door. “Like you said, you’ve wasted another decade. When are you going to wake up and start dating a guy who actually cares about you. Like Ken,” he adds, referring to another psychologist who works across the hall from me.

“You’ve been giving me shit about him for years,” I reply in disbelief. “He’s such a nerd. I always assumed you were messing with me.”

“Everyone knows that nerds are great in bed. They have to be,” he says with conviction. As if he would know anything about it. “The guy absolutely adores you and you won’t give him a chance. I don’t care if someone’s rich or ruggedly handsome or whatever, if they make you miserable it’s not worth it.” He stands there for a moment waiting for my response. “A guy like Thomas will always put himself first. Period. If that’s who you choose, then you don’t have any right to be unhappy.”

“I never said I was unhappy,” I reply, becoming a bit irritated with his attitude toward Tom. “You just asked if he had proposed and I said no. You’ve never liked him, so you probably aren’t the best one to judge him.”

“You know why I’ve never liked him and why I’ve always liked Ken.” He shakes his head again and grabs the door knob. “This is a perfect example of not paying attention to what’s right in front of you. I’ll take good care of Elsa. Then I’m going to go to work on you,” he adds, walking out the door and pulling it closed behind him.

He’s right. I do need some work. It’s not that I haven’t thought about taking Ken up on his invitations to join him for a glass of wine or to ride together to workshops. I’ve just never felt attracted to him in the way that I was with Thomas. A sad smile crosses my face as I realize that even in my thoughts I’m using the word was. We’re going to have to sit down and have a talk on Friday when he gets back from San Diego. It’s something I’ve been putting off for far too long. I’m sure we both realize it’s time to move on. It’s just so hard to think about dating again. The thought of dating someone new feels even more daunting and miserable than it did ten years ago. Maybe Rex is right. I could be ignoring what’s right in front of me. Ken does seem a lot less scary than going back online to play Russian roulette with another stranger.