Chapter 7
Valentine
Past
“Valentine... Who the fuck invited you?” Stacy said. She was surrounded by two girls, who bullied me all through middle school and ignored me all through high school. They stood several feet into the large entrance hall, blocking my way into the rest of the party.
“I did.” I walked into Stacy's house, stopped and addressed her as the whining toddler, that she was. I imagined an audience behind me hanging on my every word, and the confidence flowed through me.
“Excuse me?” Stacy scoffed, putting a hand on her hip. She glanced at her friends for more support. “You best turn your nerdy little ass around, freak.”
“And who are you, exactly? The daughter of some slimy politician, right? I think your dad begged my father for an endorsement this past election. Maybe if the Dawson family backed him, he wouldn't have lost so badly.”
At first it felt super weird tossing around these insults, but I'd practiced them like I did every other play. My costume, this designer preppy sweater-over-plaid look, was flawless. I owned the entitled, princess role and flaunted it.
Stacy and her friends were stunned speechless, and made no move to stop me from entering.
“Nice house by the way,” I gave her another disdainful look when I brushed past her and went into the party. “It's almost as big as our summer home.”
When I rounded the first corner, I fell into the nearest wall. Holyshitholyshitholyshit! Did I just put Stacy Miller in her place? I couldn't believe I even had the nerve to show up, I felt ten feet tall. Arsen was right! If you don't like who you are, act like the person you want to be! I needed to find him and tell what I'd just done.
I'd picked up a red cup and had it filled with beer, mostly because I assumed that that was what you did first when you went to a party. I had a great start and didn't want to screw it up.
Tonight was a first for me in so many ways. It was my first party, the first time I'd ever snuck out of my house, and my first beer! I took a sip and nearly gagged, it was horrible. I'd always heard it was an acquired taste, something you'd grow into. I couldn't fathom growing into ever liking that.
While scanning for a spot to discretely dump the beer out I spotted Arsen, he was lounging on a couch by the in-ground pool. No one was swimming of course, it was too cold for that, but it was the perfect place for them to smoke.
I slid the patio doors open, subdued my beaming smile and went over to him. He was surrounded by people as usual, but for the first time ever, I didn't care.
“Hey, Arsen.” I said, trying not to cough as I entered the smoke cloud that surrounded them.
“Val, fuck, you made it!” Arsen handed the joint he was smoking to someone else and wobbled to his feet. He looked ten times more messed up when he stood up. He went to give me a hug and half fell into me. “So glad you got over yourself and just fucking showed up. This is great, right?”
“Yeah...” My confidence was beginning to falter. I immediately had second thoughts about being here. He was the only reason I came to this stupid thing and I didn't know how much longer I could be around him in this condition.
“You know, we've never fucked. We should really fuck.” Arsen laughed.
I didn't know if he was joking, serious or just high, either way I didn't like this side of him. I tried to laugh it off, like everyone else. They were all too stoned or drunk to care how much of an asshole he was being.
I wanted to be in his world, I reminded myself. This was part of that world, I guess.
“Right here, right now, let's do it.” Arsen squeezed my ass.
I shoved him off. Arsen crashed back into the couch and everyone laughed even harder.
I didn't know what I expected, but it wasn't this. This really broke my heart. I'd hoped he'd ask me out or something. Now, I saw how stupid that hope was. This was such a mistake, I turned and left. Arsen was leaving soon and was just out for a good time, he didn't give a shit about me.
I never wanted to see Arsen Constantine ever again.
Present.
“So this is where you escaped to...” I found Arsen on the Jeter's balcony. His short cropped hair waved slightly in the wind. He was watching the tide crash against the rocky Cape Cod shores. “Arsenal.”
Arsen cocked his head like something smelled bad. “I guess I didn't escape far enough.”
“Why didn't you tell me?” Why did it always feel like he was hiding something from me?
“Tell you what, exactly?” He turned to me. “Hey, Val, remember me? I spend my nights trying to beat another man half to death for money. How are you these days?” Then he looked away. “None of that shit really matters. Why should you care what I do?”
He was right. Why should I care?
Several long silent minutes slipped by. I had so many other questions. Where did you go? Why did you come back? But above all, only one has been burning in my mind every day like clockwork.
Why did you leave me, Arsen?
“I tried to hate you, you know. At first, right after you left. Then as the years passed, I just tried to forget you.”
“How'd you do?”
I chuckled defeated, then shrugged. The alcohol made all of this a little easier. “You're a hard man to forget.”
Arsen paused for a moment, then looked hard into my eyes. “I knew,” he cleared his throat and continued. “I knew what our parents were going to do.”
“What?” How could he have known? His mom and my father were on the school board and I knew they talked, but the engagement took me totally off guard.
“Prom night after I dropped you off. Your father told me.”
“How...” I grabbed the railing for support, my head spun with so many questions.
“That doesn't matter anymore,” Arsen evaded the coming question. “Listen, Val, I'm sorry for everything I put you through. I know it's a little late for bullshit apologies, but I've needed to tell you that for years.”
I felt my heart swell, like a water balloon. My eyes opened as wide as possible to help fight back the tears. I never thought I'd hear those words, the acknowledgment of our wasted time apart. I hated that I still cared about an apology. I hated that he still had this crazy hold over me. I hated that I wanted to bury myself in him and forgive him.
The old Val would've fallen into his big arms. I sniffed down the emotion and swallowed my tears. I wasn't that girl anymore. The wound he'd left me with had gone untreated for too many years and now it festered. I didn't know If I'd ever be able to forgive him.
I stayed quiet, not knowing how to handle all of this. So much was different now.
“This party sucks, Val. Let's get out of here.”
“You're joking,” I laughed.
“I can tell, you don't enjoy this shit. I can see it your eyes. I've watched you perform enough to know that you're just acting.”
“Of course I am. Everyone is.” I still couldn't look him in the eyes. “That's the game. Showbiz is all just a popularity contest. This is THE party to be at right now, everyone who's anyone is here. We're not leaving.”
“Do you even like the films you do?”
“What?” I was struck by the honesty in the question and I was surprised that I couldn't answer right away with, 'yes, of course'. “Do you have any idea how much my contracted rate is? I'm the highest paid actor in the young adult genre.”
“I'm sure that impresses the hell out of your hangaround friends, but the Val I remember wouldn't have given one single fuck about your bank account. She wanted to act on a stage, doing important roles.” He stopped and fully articulated the next question. “Do you like what you do?”
Yes, of course!
But the words still wouldn’t come out.
“You want to know what happened to that Val?” I said, instead, the words dripping with defensive venom. A righteous anger suddenly washed over me. “The person she cared most for abandoned her. That stupid, naïve girl died of a broken heart. You don't like this version of me? Well, that's too damn bad, because you only have yourself to blame, Asshole.”
He eyed me with a measure of surprise, then simply said, “No.”
Arsen pulled away from the railing and looked me over. I felt my angry resolve start to crack under his scrutinizing gaze.
“I've made my mistakes and I have to live with those, but don't blame me for your life. I may have broken you down, but this...” He waved a hand at me, then snorted with disgust. “You could've been anything, and this is what you chose.”
The venom dried up in my mouth, taking all my saliva with it. I know I had changed, but I didn't think I was all that different. I always wanted to be an actor, maybe not in the films I'd been getting lately, but those were stepping stones. That's how you get the real dramatic roles!
I watched as Arsen turned his back on me and walked back out to the parking lot, shoving aside anyone foolish enough to get in his way.
Why was I so angry at him for apologizing to me? If I was in the right then why did I feel so awful. Did I really hate him?
No, I didn't hate Arsen, but I fear that I might have outgrown him. I sighed, finished my drink and set the empty glass down. I watched the waves crash in the distance and remembered where he'd taken me on prom night. That was still, even after all these years the best night of my whole life.
We were such different people then.