Chapter Twenty-Five
Erin swatted at her phone as it buzzed on Jake’s nightstand. Whatever it was could wait. She nestled into Jake’s warm chest as his hand smoothed through her hair and down her body. She let out a contented sigh. Now this she could get used to. Toasty sheets brushed against her skin, and she burrowed her head into the crook of his arm. She didn’t know what she expected to happen last night when she came for dinner, but this morning she woke up with the realization that this just might work out. Her phone buzzed again, and she took a quick glance and saw that it was a voice mail.
Another one? But this time it was a California number. A familiar one. Her stomach clenched tight. What could her old principal be calling her for unless it was to chat about the Portland school? Maybe they had called her references already.
Another call came in. Her principal again.
She cleared her throat, so her voice wouldn’t sound froggy. “Hello?”
“Erin! So glad I was able to reach you.”
Call a person enough times and they’re bound to answer. “What’s up, Greg?”
The sound of his voice brought back the ache that had hollowed her chest for the past few months. She missed Stephens so much. Wished she’d never lost her position there. Most of her friends had managed to keep their jobs during the massive budget cut because they’d already moved past their probationary period. She was one year away from that. One stinking school year.
“There’s been some shuffling around in the budget for next year.”
“Yeah?” Maybe they’d take back some of the teachers they’d let go.
“There’s an opening for the eighth-grade science position. With your name on it.”
She bolted upright in bed and cringed when she realized she’d taken more than her fair share of sheet and comforter with her. She glanced over at Jake, who was still sound asleep. “What?”
“Your job, Erin. It’s here if you want it. We’d love for you to come back. It’d be temporary for another year, just until voting for next year’s budget, but you could move past your probation period. What do you say?”
The answer slipped out without a second thought. “Yes.”
Her school. The school she loved so much was hers again. Her classroom. Her students. She could already picture what she was going to post on her bulletins for the first day of school.
“Thank you so much, Greg.”
“There’s an in-service day next week I’d really like you to attend. I know you’re still in Portland visiting family, but think you can swing it?”
She looked over at Jake and frowned. The man she’d known so well, yet was getting to know in new ways. Erin had Jake’s past and present, but she wasn’t an idiot. There was no future here if she took her old job. Playing house and building a family with him wasn’t in the cards from hundreds of miles away.
She hesitated, a no forming on her lips. No to going to the in-service day, no to the job in general.
What she was feeling for Jake went beyond anything she’d experienced with any other guy. Was it because she’d held him on a pedestal her entire life? She had a hunch that added to the equation. Prior raging teenage hormones + adult(ish) wish fulfillment = heart eyes.
Stop. This was her job. She couldn’t turn that down because of a man, no matter if it was Jake Bennett.
She was meant to go back to California. Where she belonged. She took a long, steadying breath and said, “Yes, I can make the training.”
As soon as she hung up the phone, Jake’s eyes opened, and he stretched his arms over his head, the muscles in his abs running taut. She’d miss this. She already missed this, and she hadn’t even left yet.
He blinked and then sat up, his expression darkening. “What’s up?”
She worried her lip. She’d never had a hard time speaking her mind to him, but the thought of telling him the news was a dropkick to the gut.
“I got another call,” she said.
“From the Portland school? Did they already hire you because you’re so awesome?” His lips met her neck, slowly working their way down her chest. A calloused hand smoothed across her stomach, and everything south clenched.
No, no, no. If she didn’t end this now, she’d never be able to. This job was what she’d wanted the entire summer, what she’d wished for. She couldn’t waffle now.
“Jake.” She put her hand on his shoulder, pushing him away. This was the right thing to do. It had to be. He and Bailey were already functioning well without her. She didn’t need to blast into their home like the damn Kool-Aid Man and ruin everything.
“What?” he asked, his eyes searching hers. She didn’t know what he’d find because right now it was like she was having an out-of-body experience.
She shook her head. What she was about to do to this man was inexcusable. “I’m sorry.”
He kissed her forehead, which sent a tingle from her knees to her toes. “It’s okay to not be in the mood, Erin. I can go make us some breakfast.”
“No, it’s not that.” She wanted to jump his bones every damn chance she got. That would never change. That was the problem. She wanted to be around Jake. Everything about him, from the way he made her laugh to the way he kissed her until she was breathless. She wanted to stay cocooned in his safe world but knew this wasn’t a possibility.
“I got my job back.” She chewed the inside of her cheek, bracing for his reaction.
His brows slanted together. “What do you mean?”
“My old principal from Stephens called. There’s been a shift in the budget, and my position opened back up.”
“That’s great.” His smile wavered. “But what about the Portland job?”
“I’m not going to take a gamble on a what-if. This is my career. I love that school. This is my chance to put down some more permanent roots.”
Why did this all feel so wrong? Every word coming out of her mouth tasted of ash and lies. This is for the best. You were going to leave anyway.
“I’m so damn happy for you, Erin.” He pressed his lips together, frowning. “Actually, fuck it. I can’t lie to you.” He shoved a hand through his hair. “I don’t want you to go.”
“I don’t have a choice.”
“You always have choices, Erin. Don’t pull that bullshit line on me.”
“This job is really important to me.”
“Is it that job, or are you taking the first opportunity to run again?” He scrubbed his hands over his face. “You know, I tried to tell myself not to let you in, that it was a terrible idea.”
A lump formed in the back of her throat. “Jake—”
“But I couldn’t stay away from you. Trust me. I tried. You know why I couldn’t?”
“W-why?” she asked. Maybe she didn’t want to know. Right now, she didn’t need to hear anything that might change her mind.
“You have something that nobody else does.”
Her chest squeezed.
Don’t tell me. Please, don’t tell me. Because whatever he had to say would absolutely wreck her. She could feel it coming, the calm before a terrible storm.
But she couldn’t resist. She had to know.
“What is that?” Please don’t make this hurt any worse.
“My heart,” he said. “I’ll lay it out there for you, Erin. I thought I was afraid of being with someone, but I’m not afraid of that with you.”
No. No. No.
Her own heart squeezed so tight it sent jolts of pain to every crevice of her body.
“Why would you tell me this?” She needed this to be a clean break. Damn it, they’d been seeing each other for only a few weeks. She’d felt less after a breakup with a guy she’d been dating for a year.
“Because it’s true.” The hurt in his eyes sparked the rush of hot tears climbing up her throat.
She pushed those tears back down, needing to stay strong. “I’m leaving, Jake. I have the job. What am I supposed to do?”
“I don’t know.” He threw his hands in the air. “I don’t fucking know. I’m not a monster. I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. All I want is for you to be happy. And if this makes you happy, then that’s what I want for you.” His blue eyes softened. “But all I know is that when I’m with you, that’s the only time that my heart races. You’re the biggest risk I’ve ever taken, and I’m not letting you go without you knowing that this past month has been the best I’ve ever had.”
She couldn’t leave her job situation up to fate. With how the rest of her interviews had gone, she wasn’t sure she could snag the Portland job. And she didn’t want to be wishy-washy with her old principal when that position could easily be filled by someone else. No, it was time to go back to California. Back to the life she’d had for the past ten years.
Something that sounded so right on paper felt so wrong.
She pushed back those thoughts and slid out of Jake’s bed, pulling on her clothes. “I’m sorry, Jake. I can’t stay here.” She shook her head, tears stinging her eyes. “This was a fun break, but I have to get back to reality.”
Oh God, this hurt so much. She never thought she’d regret getting a job offer, but this felt wrong. What was she supposed to do, though? This was her career. There was nothing here for her. She just had to keep telling herself that in order to get herself out of his house.
“I get it, Erin.” His Adam’s apple bobbed, and she didn’t know how much longer she’d last before breaking down. “You deserve the best.”
She slid on her top and allowed herself one more look at Jake. The devastation on his face. The hurt—she’d put it there. She’d done exactly what her brother said she’d do. She needed to get out of town before she had the chance to hurt anyone else. “Goodbye, Jake.”
She barely made it up the porch steps and into her mom’s house before the waterworks started. She managed to make it to her room and then slid to the floor, tears streaming down her face.
Moments later, a pair of warm arms wrapped around her, pulling her into her sister’s body. “What happened?”
“Life,” she muttered. Why had this decision been so hard? She loved Stephens. But the look on Jake’s face . . . it’d haunt her for the rest of her life. Her friend, her lover, someone who she could tell anything to—she’d hurt him. And she didn’t even know if it was for the right reasons.
“You’re going to have to be a little more specific. Life is one big shit-flinging monkey,” Andie said, rubbing soothing circles on Erin’s back.
Erin sobbed into her shoulder. The tears just kept coming. They might never stop. “I got the job.”
“The Portland one?” Andie shifted, and then gently placed a tissue in Erin’s hand.
“No. My old job,” she sniffled, wiping her eyes and nose. Pull it together. You should be celebrating.
“And we’re not happy about that? I just want to make sure we’re on the same page.”
“I don’t know. I said I wanted to move back to California, but . . .” She swiped at her eyes with her palms. These should be happy tears. Friggen elation at the fact that she didn’t have to fill out one more goddamn job application.
“California doesn’t have Jake,” her sister said, confirming the worst part about her job.
“Nope.” Since when did she ever factor in a guy to her decision? She had goals. She went for them. Period. And now, all she could think about was Jake’s smile. The way her skin practically tingled whenever he was around her. She’d never had that reaction to a person before. And now it was being torn away because of a job. One that had the possibility of leaving her in the same position she’d been in this entire summer.
“And you don’t want to take a chance on the one in town?”
“No.” She paused. “I don’t know. This is my old school. I love the people there. You know?” She had history there. She had her old students, whom she’d be seeing again. Ones who needed her.
It doesn’t have your family or Jake.
Erin extinguished that thought. This was a sure thing, a job. That was what had kept her sane for the past ten years.
“Yeah, I guess,” her sister said.
But Andie’s frown hit Erin almost as hard as when she’d broken the news to Jake.
“I never understood that quote about getting your heart’s desire being a tragedy. Now I get it.” She so got it. Because she just got two of the things she desired most, and now she had to make a choice between them. That was an especially deep level of cruelty.
“Why can’t you have both?” Andie asked.
“What? A long-distance relationship?”
Andie nodded.
“The chances of that working out are slim. Plus, if I go back, I have no intentions of moving to Portland. I’ll have tenure at my school. Jake already has a life. I can’t ask him to pick up and move Bailey. She’d hate me forever.”
They were at a stalemate. They were on borrowed time to begin with, and the last grain of sand had emptied to the other side of the hourglass.
“Then I think this calls for extra-chunky Jif,” her sister said.
“Jif? We don’t have Jif in this house.”
Andie raised a brow. “You really think your hiding spots are that great?”
Erin knocked her head against the wall. Andie lifted up the loose floorboard and procured the jar of peanut butter with a spoon. Damn. She was just starting to get to know her sister. Just starting to come back into her life when it seemed like she needed someone to talk to.
“I’m sorry I’m going so soon.” She wished she had more time with her sister. To solidify their relationship. She wished for a lot of things, but as she knew from before, wishing got her nowhere in life.
“You act like you’re dying.” Her sister rolled her eyes. “You’re a state away. We’ll still have Skype.”
“Yeah.” But she could tell her sister’s words were forced. She knew it was different—she wasn’t an idiot.
“I love you, Erin. And I’m proud of you for living your Teacher Barbie life down in California.”
“Love you, too.”