Chapter 13
Will
I smiled as Avery ran around the apartment in his nicest clothes. He was feeling so much better, and that made me feel better as well. I hated when he was sick. It made me feel completely helpless. All I wanted to do was take it from him. That being said, Avery’s sickness did have another effect. It made me even more attracted to Ella than before. The way she coddled Avery, showed him love and care, it was extraordinarily becoming, and it made me have feelings for her that I wasn’t sure were in the best interest of either of us.
I regretted mentioning Megan after dinner, but it had just come out, like it was a natural thing to say. I could tell, though, afterward, that even though Ella didn’t say anything, it had bothered her. It had bothered her to the point where it completely killed the mood and she made up an excuse to leave. I had let her go, not wanting to get into that discussion and seeing that she didn’t, either. It had been hard to let her go, though. I realized that when I watched her walk away. I had seen Ella in a different light when Avery got sick, a maternal light. That motherly instinct toward Avery heightened my attraction, but it also made things more complicated.
I was drawn from my thoughts by a knock on the door. It was my mother, who had come down to the city for Avery’s last day of preschool. I couldn’t believe he had grown so much that he was already out of preschool. I wanted to slow him down, keep him just the age he was. Every day he grew older was one day further from the last time I saw Megan. To honor his graduation, my mother and I went to the ceremony and then decided that ice cream would be the perfect way to celebrate. Avery had a serious addiction to ice cream, but hell, who didn’t? When I told him about going, he got extremely excited and then asked if Ella could come, too.
At first, the idea of taking Ella with my mother and Avery out to celebrate his big graduation seemed like a seriously dangerous idea. However, as I thought about it more, I realized that deep down I wanted her there, too. She had made a big impression on Avery, and because I didn’t bring women around him, it was the first attachment to another woman I had ever seen him have. So, the four of us met at my apartment and headed out for ice cream.
When we got there, we ordered our scoops and sat down at a table near the back. I pulled out my phone to make sure work hadn’t tried to call and then put it back in my jacket pocket. They knew where I was today, and I assumed they were doing their best not to bother me.
My mother looked at Ella and said, “Does he ever not work?”
“I’m pretty sure he works in his sleep,” she replied.
“We need to get him out more often, have him loosen up a bit.”
“I concur,” Ella said, looking over at me and smiling.
Ella and my mother had met a couple years before when I first moved in, so they had no problem launching into conversations about me. I watched them laugh and play with Avery and realized that I really liked having Ella around, maybe a little too much actually. I had to keep reminding myself that I couldn’t feel that way. Just the fact that I had mentioned Megan showed me I was in the wrong place. It may not have been fair to Ella to keep moving forward with all of this. She really had no idea what I was going through, and I couldn’t seem to bring myself to talk to her about it.
Maybe Ella was nothing more than a distraction, and maybe I was thinking more about it than I really needed to. Maybe I wanted to feel something more, or maybe I did feel something more, but it was because she filled an empty spot in my life that I knew was missing. I didn’t want to think I was the kind of person who could use someone like that. I was always caring, compassionate, and very careful with people’s feelings, especially women’s. Megan had taught me so much about what it really meant to be a man. I used to tell her that was her greatest gift to me. Thinking that I could pull someone along in my life because I needed something from them just seemed so unlike me. Still, I couldn’t ignore the possibility that it was exactly what I was doing with Ella.
Whether I knew for sure or not, I needed to end things with her before both of us ended up getting hurt. If I was starting to question my feelings for her now, things would only grow more and more complicated with time. The last thing I wanted was to break her heart, and I really didn’t need that kind of pain, either.
We had a really fun time while out for ice cream, and when we got home, my mother put Avery to bed before retiring to the guest bedroom. It had been a long day for her with the train ride and the excitement, and I was happy she was going to bed down for the night at my place. I always hated sending her home late at night on the train. It never felt safe to me, and usually she was extremely stubborn about the whole thing. Tonight, though, she didn’t fight me, and I knew it was because she wanted more time with Avery. I walked over to the window where Ella was standing, staring out at the city.
“It’s gorgeous, isn’t it?” I asked.
“It’s not the only thing,” she replied, turning toward me and putting her arms around my neck.
I looked into her eyes, and everything in me wanted to grab her, pull her in close, and then bend her over the living room couch and fuck her as hard as I could. Every second I was with her, I was completely aroused by her sexuality. However, I had made myself a promise, and no matter how hard it seemed, I was going to follow through with it. She went to lean forward and kiss me, but I put my hand up to her lips and stopped her. Taking in a deep breath, I grabbed her by the hands and pulled them down in front of us.
“Ella, listen, we need to stop doing this,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m really starting to think this is getting too serious, and if we continue to head in the direction we are, it may become toxic. I don’t want that to happen.”
“Okay,” she said, blinking in confusion.
“We can pretend all we want behind closed doors that we have no real obstacles, but we both know that is not the truth,” I said. “Our age difference is one of the reasons I am concerned about what is going on. We are almost ten years apart, and that shows vibrantly if you look at how different our lives are. I have a son, and I have been married and am now widowed. I own a huge company that I spent years growing from the ground up. You are young, vibrant, and just starting out in life. You haven’t made the big mistakes or choices yet, and I don’t ever want to be considered one of your big mistakes.”
“I don’t think I could ever think that,” she responded, looking down.
“Hey,” I said, lifting her chin. “We had a freaking amazing time. We did whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted to do it. The laughter still rings out in my ears, as does some of the other sounds we pulled from each other.”
“Yeah,” she said with blushed cheeks. “It really was a great time.”
“That being said,” I replied, “that fun is going to have to come to an end at some point, and I think it would be a lot easier if we picked that time instead of letting it fall apart on its own. I think it would be best if we ended things here and now.”
“I understand,” she said, thankfully taking things well. “I did have a crazy amount of fun, and I got over the insane crush I’ve carried for years. You know, I was actually just thinking about all of this last night after I went home. I could tell things were starting to change between us. Things were getting more serious and more complicated. I knew that eventually one or both of us was going to get hurt, and that was definitely not something I wanted to see happen.”
“I’m so glad you understand,” I said with a sigh. “I was terrified that this conversation alone was going to hurt you.”
She smiled. “I’m okay. And this doesn’t mean I want to cut you out of my life. You have become a very good friend to me. And Avery, oh my gosh, I adore that little boy. I would be more than happy to babysit him whenever you need me, at least until I go back to school. I really love being around him.”
“Thank you, Ella,” I said, kissing her on the cheek. “You really are an amazing woman.”
“That being said,” she replied, looking down at her watch, “I have a big day tomorrow. It’s my little sister’s graduation from the academy, and I’ll have to run interference for my father.”
“Did she decide against law school, too?”
She laughed. “Oh, no. She actually decided on her own to go pre-law. I thought at first it was because she was terrified she would be hounded by my father like I am, but I was wrong. She is actually genuinely interested in becoming a lawyer. She doesn’t seem too convinced about my father’s practice, but I think she will come around when she realizes that the firm will be hers one day. I have officially become the black sheep of the family.”
“Yeah, I mean, talk about bad. How dare you want to be a school teacher?” I said, laughing.
“I know,” she said, feigning shock.
“Well.” I held out my hand for her to walk ahead of me to the door. We stood in front it, staring at each other, the emotions between us heightened by the inevitable end we were facing. Ella smiled sweetly, raising up on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek.
“Thank you for the fantasy,” she whispered before lowering herself and walking out the door.
I stood there for a moment, still feeling the warmth of her lip-glossed lips on my cheek, the smell of her perfume wafting around me. I closed the door, locked it, and leaned my shoulder on it, staring down at my shaky hands. When I decided to break things off, I had known it was for the best, but now I was starting to question my choice. Was it just last-minute nerves? Or had I just walked away from something I really didn’t want to walk away from? I almost felt like I was dooming myself to unhappiness by pushing her away, but at that point, it was far too late. I had to live with my decision to cut ties with Ella. I just hoped I could reconcile this with my own brain before remorse set in.