Chapter 16
Ella
The sun from the windows cascaded across the bedroom and right into my eyes. Slowly, I shifted, remembering quickly that I wasn’t alone. I turned and looked at Will, who was yawning and reaching over for me. He sat up slightly and kissed me gently on the lips before getting out of bed and dressing. I watched as he disappeared into his bathroom before coming back looking like a million dollars. It was going to take me more time than that to not look like the oversexed, complete mess I knew I looked like. Will walked over and kissed me on the forehead.
“I’m going to go make breakfast,” he whispered. “Take your time getting ready. I’ll meet you out there.”
I nodded my head and smiled, looking around the room to find my clothes flung everywhere. It seemed we had been a bit more pent-up than I had thought. After Will left the room, I got out of bed, pulled all my clothes together, and put them on. I went into the bathroom and brushed my hair before pulling it back into a high ponytail. I stood there looking at myself in the mirror. My cheeks were flushed, my face was glimmering, and the look on my face was unmistakable. I looked beyond happy.
When I went out to the kitchen, I walked up behind Will and put my arms around his waist and kissed the back of his neck. He smiled and leaned his head back, allowing me to kiss his lips.
“I really enjoyed having a woman in my bed and falling asleep with her last night,” he said. “You are the first woman I have slept with in my bed since my wife passed away.”
A shot of electricity went up through my chest as I looked deep into his eyes, but something in the back of mind also screamed at me to back away, and fast. I shook that part from my thoughts and took in a deep breath, refusing to let this moment have any negativity attached to it. I had given in to him, given in to the fact that I had feelings for this man, and really strong ones at that. He had started out as nothing more than a crush, had grown into a fantasy, and now he was more than that. Still, as he opened his mouth to continue talking, I couldn’t help but feel like I was falling into a trap, like I hadn’t thoroughly read the whole story before racing to the end.
“I still can’t express to you how grateful I am that you have been here, through thick and thin, to help me through everything,” he said, kissing me again.
“How could I not be?” I asked, laughing. “I have these two amazingly handsome men asking me for help. Any girl would be stupid not to jump right in on that. Besides, the perks have been well worth every runny nose and board game I have partaken in.”
“Hey, those board games are pretty amazing,” he said, smiling. “And my son is becoming a wiz at them. I’m pretty sure he whooped my ass at Monopoly the other night, and he can’t even count yet.”
“You have to start them young, get their minds moving,” I said, smiling. “Besides, I don’t see it being too hard to beat you at a board game. You tend to overthink things.”
“That is very true,” he said, turning back to the eggs as I walked over to the breakfast bar. “But in reality, you really did provide me with the distraction I needed so desperately. It was absolutely perfect timing. I don’t know where I would be right now without you.”
I shifted and the smile completely disappeared from my face. Did he just call me a distraction? I was almost positive I was not misunderstanding what he had just said to me. I took a deep breath, anger welling up in my chest. I was deeply disturbed by pretty much everything he had just said. What otherwise were sweet words immediately took on a completely different meaning when coupled with a word like distraction.
The voice I had pushed to the side suddenly became loud and vibrant in my mind. God, I was so stupid. I had actually thought I was falling in love with this man. I had thought it was all falling exactly into place. Now, though, from what he had said, it sounded like he wasn’t falling for me at all. It sounded like his feelings were the exact opposite of what mine were. Maybe I had misunderstood him the night before. Maybe he hadn’t been telling me he missed me or wanted me because of his feelings for me, but instead because, without me around, he fell back into his depressive, widower state where he moped around and forgot about the beautiful things in life.
In fact, I was pretty sure he had just told me I was nothing more than a distraction from his dead wife. I was keeping her ghost at bay so he could feel like a normal person again. I was a means to an end, a tool he was using to get his life back on track. It was quite obvious now that he did not feel about me the way I felt about him. For the first time in my life, I felt like a complete piece of trash. I had been taken advantage of because of my feelings for him. After everything I had done, everything I had said to him, he had tossed me to the side, thought of me as nothing more than an antidote for his aching, grieving heart. I didn’t want to be someone’s antidote. I wanted to be their drug.
“I don’t need a plate,” I said, stopping him before he could pull two down. “I won’t be eating breakfast here. I have a polo match to attend with my family. I should be getting back because they will be waking up soon.”
“Oh,” he said, turning around as I stood and walked toward him. “Well, text me later then, okay?”
“Sure,” I replied, reaching up and kissing his cheek.
I turned and walked to the door quickly, holding my emotions inside. It wasn’t a lie. I did have to go to a polo match that day. It just wasn’t as detrimental as it sounded. I went home and tried to put everything into perspective while showering, dressing, and heading over to the match. When I arrived, everything seemed to move in slow motion around me. My father made some pointed observations about my sister going to law school, but even then I didn’t pay much attention. My mind was on Will and everything I had been told that morning. I still couldn’t believe what he had said. My mother shushed my father for me, though, before he could continue to make digs at me. She was actually paying attention that morning.
“Are you okay, honey?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I said, trying to shake myself out of my haze. “I’m fine, Mom.”
“Are you sure?” she asked. “I mean, you’ve been spending a lot of time away with Will and Avery lately. You just seem, well, different.”
“I’m just making some extra money babysitting. That’s all.” I smiled. “Between that, the graduation, and my upcoming senior year, I’m just a little tired. I seem to always be so busy.”
That answer seemed to appease my mother, but that was normal. She would ask the tough questions but never wanted to hear the tough answers.
Later on, Taryn and I went for a walk around the arena, silently strolling through the crowds. I knew Taryn could tell something was going on, but I didn’t have it in me to start the conversation. So, we walked in silence for quite a while, just trying to get through the day together. We never did like these kinds of events.
“What’s going on?” she finally asked after we finished a lap around the arena.
“God,” I said, putting my hands to my face. “I made a mistake, Taryn. I think I might be falling in love with Will, and I am pretty sure he doesn’t feel the same way. It’s a really awful feeling. I thought love was supposed to be all butterflies and rainbows.”
She chuckled. “Since when in this life that you and I live is anything all butterflies and rainbows? Things, even the good ones, are always more like machetes and grenades.”
“Wow.” I laughed at her comparison. “Harsh, but so true.”
“Have you told Will how you feel?”
“God, no,” I said, shaking my head. “But for a split second, I thought he felt the same way. After this morning, though, I can’t be sure of anything except the fact that Dad is still a douchebag.”
“Well, some things are constant,” she said. “But in all seriousness, I really want you—no, I need you—to be careful with yourself around Will. Guarding your heart in a situation like this might not be a bad thing.”
“Really?” I was surprised by her answer. “But I thought you were totally down for this. I mean, a month ago you were pushing me toward Will rather than away from him.”
“True,” she said with a sigh. “But at the time, I didn’t really see where you were mentally. I’m concerned you are falling for the fantasy of Will, the man you think he is or hope he is, instead of the man he really is. That kind of love can end really badly. There can’t be much that’s worse than falling for someone and then finding out that person never actually existed. I can see that being something that would crush you.”
“You’re right,” I replied. “But I’m afraid it might already be too late.”
“Either way,” she said, stopping and taking my hands in hers, “I want you to know I’ll be here to support you. If Will is who you love, then he is who you love for better or for worse. Love doesn’t discriminate. If it’s a fantasy you love, then I’ll be here the day you realize that. Either way, I want you to know that you are not alone in this.”
“Thank you,” I said, smiling and kissing her on the cheek.
But while I may not have been alone because I had her, that didn’t make me feel any less lost in the dark when it came to Will.