Chapter 24
Ella
I was extremely glad I had the kind of body that wasn’t showing I was pregnant yet. Hiding a baby belly would have made things even more stressful, and my family would have caught on. My stomach, at that moment, was still flat, and it didn’t even look like I had eaten a big lunch or anything. I did check it every day, though, obsessed with knowing what it looked like so I wouldn’t get caught off guard by someone’s comment. I had even taken daily pictures to compare so I could see when the change started to happen. So far, it looked like I was in the clear. When I went in to the ob/gyn to get my initial checkup and all the tests run, the doctor had told me I might not even start to show until I was six months along. That information had calmed my nerves quite a bit, especially after I calculated that I would be happily back at school, getting ready to go into the homestretch of my last semester. They may notice there, but I didn’t care about them. I cared about Will and my family.
Every time I saw Will now, I thought about the baby. Every time I saw Will with Avery, I thought about the fact that I should tell him I was pregnant. At the same time, though, I was having a hard time believing he would have a positive reaction when he found out. I imagined him flying off the handle, and the anxiety I felt at that made me consider not telling him at all and just being a single mom, taking care of things on my own. Would it make me a horrible person to not want a man to force himself to be part of my life just because of a child?
I was convinced Will didn’t see me as anything more than a nice distraction and a plaything for when he got horny. How could I not think that way? He had literally told me I was the perfect distraction the last time I was home. He was not interested in having anything real or serious with me, much less raising a child with me. The fact that he had already tried to have sex with me again in the bathroom more than proved my point. Just thinking about his attitude in the bathroom that day turned me away from thinking he had any feelings for me.
It might be best if I just never told him and let him continue with his life the way it was. Maybe I should move on and completely distance myself from him, go somewhere new and raise my baby. Just because he was affluent, well-known, rich, and already a father didn’t mean he would want to be part of this child’s life. There was a chance he would tell me he didn’t want anything to do with us. It wasn’t outside the realm of possibility. Even more famous and richer people than him had thrown their children to the wolves. Steve Jobs had completely separated himself from one of his daughters, not wanting anything to do with her. I almost felt like it would be worse for my child to grow up knowing their father didn’t want them than wondering if he did. The pain that would cause would obviously never go away, and I didn’t want to start my child’s life on a negative note.
Just thinking about my child in pain made me upset, and I hadn’t even seen a sonogram of them yet. I had to be a mother before I was even a mother, and all because Will was being such an asshole. I walked out of the bathroom, where I’d just taken a shower and done my hair and makeup, and pulled my dress off the hanger on the door. Tonight was the Christmas ball, and I had picked out the perfect dress. I was supposed to meet Will before the party to chat, but I was going to stand him up and ignore his texts and calls. At that point, with the baby dilemma on my mind and the way he had acted the last time I saw him, there was no way I could face him. I didn’t know what he wanted from me anymore. I’d made everything clear and put it all out there. He had made his feelings perfectly obvious as well. There was nothing else to be said.
Will was going to the party, and there was a strong possibility I would see him there, but with so many people in attendance, I was betting I could avoid him. I had always been able to avoid my parents at these kinds of events, not having wanted to be showcased around as some sort of trophy, so it shouldn’t be difficult to avoid him as well. I shook my head at my reflection, confident in my plan. I was also impressed by how I looked. My dress was red and sparkly, and it flowed down to the floor. I had pulled my hair back in a loose updo and hung ruby earrings from my lobes. My makeup was subtle but festive with ruby red lips to complete the look.
When I got to the party, I was feeling confident, and I walked in with my shoulders back and a smile on my face as my parents waved to different people. I laughed at my sister, who was making comments under her breath about everyone we passed. I looked up as we crossed into the large ballroom, and my eyes fell on Will, who had already seen me and was making a beeline right for us. Instantly, I was nervous. Maybe my plan hadn’t been so brilliant to begin with. I stood there silently as he walked straight up to my father and shook his hand, engaging in small talk for a moment.
“Would you mind if I stole Ella away from you for just a moment?” Will asked. “I need to speak with her in private. It’s kind of important.”
“I hope everything is okay,” my mother said.
“Oh, everything is fine,” he replied as if I weren’t even standing there. “It will just take a moment.”
“Of course,” my father said, slapping him on the shoulder. “Let’s talk later.”
“Absolutely,” he replied in a business tone.
Shit. I had been given up by my parents and put straight into the hands of the one person in the entire place I was trying desperately to avoid. I thought about protesting, but they wouldn’t understand, and it would just cause a scene. It would probably be worse than the conversation we were going to have. Still, the last thing I wanted to do was talk to him. I was done having the same conversation with him. It was freaking exhausting, and I just wanted to move forward with my life.
He grabbed my arm, pulling me off to the side of the crowd. He smiled at those passing by and waited until we were alone in the corner. I crossed my arms in front of me and tapped my foot, irritated with him.
“You have been way too unilateral about our friendship,” he whispered strongly. “Even if we aren’t going to be together, that doesn’t mean I don’t still worry about you. I want to know if something is wrong. I don’t think that is too much to ask for.”
“You do understand that you are not my boyfriend,” I said. Agitation showed on his face at my words.
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
“Not that it’s any of your business whatsoever, but no, I do not have a boyfriend because men play games, just like you’ve been doing with me this entire time. To be quite honest with you, I’m tired of it. I’m not your plaything or your distraction, and I don’t care if you want me to be or think you have the right to have me. Get real. That is not how this works.”
“There’s no reason in this world for you to be so cold to me,” he said angrily. “We both agreed that we enjoyed our time together. You’re overcomplicating this entire thing and coming to conclusions that just aren’t true. Maybe this is my fault. Maybe I should have realized that getting involved with someone so young would be a mistake. You are too young to fully understand how these kinds of things work. You couldn’t possibly know what it feels like to walk in my shoes or be in a confusing relationship with someone.”
“How dare you?” I hissed, getting angry. “How dare you come at me like I owe you a goddamn thing? I had a fantasy for a long time about being with you, and you knew that. In fact, you ran with that, and you’re the one who, in the end, let me know exactly what I was to you. I don’t have any obligation to tell you a damn thing. Nor do you have the right to stand here acting holier than thou, like I should bow to your every concern and whim. I figured me not showing up today would be an obvious hint that I didn’t want to talk to you. This is so fucking annoying, having to go over this again and again.”
I took a deep breath and straightened my dress, looking around me. I didn’t want to do this here, but if I didn’t make this perfectly clear now, I was just going to have to relive this nightmare with him over and over again. I took another breath and looked back at him.
“You want to know why I’m so standoffish with you now?”
“Yes, that would be nice,” he said arrogantly.
“Because I now feel the need to protect myself from you,” I said. “It’s obvious that you never felt about me the way I felt about you because you constantly feel the need to come at me like you own me, like you can just walk in and out of my life whenever you want. You have some nerve thinking you control anything in my life or can demand anything you want from me. You made your feelings clear the last time I was here, and you can’t just come back and demand we be together. That is not how it works in real life. You have to remember that I’m not impressed by your job or your clout. Those things don’t mean shit to me. I’m my own person, and I will not be forced into anything I don’t think is right.”
I turned to walk away but stopped and looked him in the eye.
“I am not Megan, and I never will be,” I said pointedly.
I turned away from him and stormed off out of the ballroom. The truth of the matter was, my heart was completely broken. My anger came from the ache in my chest, and I realized I was still very much in love with him. But that didn’t change the fact that we couldn’t be together. We were on two completely different pages. This baby was just going to have to survive without its father.