Chapter Three
The Things We Shouldn’t Think
I went to the hospital every day for three solid weeks and there was no improvement. Seeing Elle hooked up to a feeding tube truly terrified me, that I might never hear her voice again. Hale called every morning, texted throughout the day, and was the last voice I heard at night before I went to sleep. But even he couldn’t cheer me up.
Realizing Elle wasn’t getting better meant making some tough decisions. I needed to stay in Oregon for my friend, but staying without an income would be impossible. There was no choice but to return to work and that meant going back to the bar where I’d waitressed since college.
“Are you sure that’s what you want to do? If you need money—” Hale protested and I cut him off.
“Hale, I can’t live off your money. I can’t leave until I know she’s okay and I have no idea how long it will take before she’s back to her normal self.” If that was even a realistic goal.
His objection came in the form of silence. Although he understood my circumstances, I knew he’d rather send me money than see me get tied up in commitments that might hold me here longer.
Taking his money was out of the question. Remington had given me a credit card when I left, but I couldn’t use his money either. Nor could I expect my mother to revert to supporting her thirty-year-old daughter.
“I don’t want to be a burden on anyone.”
“You’re not. Rayne, let me help you. Please.”
“You are. In other ways.”
As much as I appreciated his offer, I’d always managed to support myself. Even when I decided to give up a well-paying teaching career, I’d made things work. My independence was my only testament to adulthood, and reverting to a time when others supported me broke some sort of cardinal rule in my head.
“It’ll just be temporary,” I repeated for myself as well as him. “I promise.”
Thankfully, he accepted my decision without further argument and my previous employer welcomed me back with open arms.
Placing the bar tab on a table occupied by a young couple, I forced a smile. It was tough keeping a pleasant expression while waitressing and serving drinks, but most of the patrons at the bar were my old regulars and knew through the grapevine about Elle. So my lack of congeniality was mostly excused.
“I’ll take that whenever you’re ready.” It was a familiar script with the same lines day in and day out, but I knew it by heart and not having to think too hard about how to do my job helped me focus on other issues in my life.
Shuffling back to the kitchen to check on my next order, I blew out a slow breath. My anxiety had tightened to such a strangling knot in my chest I sometimes had to concentrate on simply breathing.
It wasn’t just Elle’s health. It was everything.
While Elle remained unchanged, Elara, Hale’s daughter, was growing like a weed. Hale sent me pictures often, and every time I saw her little peanut face with those silver Davenport eyes my ovaries grew more depressed.
Elara wasn’t mine and I didn’t pretend to have any claim to her, but she’d shown me babies weren’t so scary. I mean, having a child of my own would be disastrous, like riding a bike with a flaming seat and no brakes as it raced down a steep hill through a Civil War-like rendition of Bull Run where bullets were binkies and cannons fired diapers full of baby shit. But, again, not my kid. Hale managed to ride that bike just fine.
I couldn’t keep a plant watered. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t appreciate everything Hale was doing. Elara was his responsibility. I was only a bystander—a bystander who really missed seeing her boyfriend’s daughter up close and personal.
So much was happening and I was missing it. Never in a million years did I expect Elara to garner so much of my affection. But with each passing day, I missed her almost as much as I missed Hale. And with every ticking minute, came the certainty that they were surviving just fine without me. All of them—including Hale.
Not a good place for my mind to go. If Elle were awake, she’d tell me to knock it off and assure me that the distance between Hale and me wouldn’t change our love. But if she were awake and could tell me that, there really wouldn’t be a need for me to be here. And without her generous guidance, my mind seemed to spiral into the darkest depths of my own doubts.
God, I was completely dysfunctional without my best friend. She was my Jiminy Cricket. Without her, I was just…wooden.
As I finished up my shift, I approached Tyler at the bar. He often came there to read, which was rude, but that was just who he was. “How was she today?”
He closed his book, using a cocktail napkin as a placeholder. “The same.”
It was wearing on all of us. Chris, Elle’s brother, had never shown up. He called Tyler back and said he would, which filled us with dread, but in true Chris form, he broke his word. It was probably for the best.
“I think I’m going to head over to the hospital once I cash out my tips.”
My phone pinged and I lifted it from my apron pocket. Hale. His text, a simple I miss you, should have made me smile but it only added to my stress. Three weeks of good morning chats followed by a slew of redundant texts throughout the day and one solid goodnight conversation did not equal the level of intimacy we had in Florida.
Every time I got another I miss you it subliminally hit me as a you’re still gone and time is moving on without you… I shouldn’t complain. At least he was thinking of me. If the I miss yous ever stopped I’d be devastated. But I wanted more. I didn’t want to miss him at all. I wanted us to be together.
Tyler looked at me and sighed. “Sleep at home, Rayne. She’s not going to wake up.”
Everything inside of me went rigid as his words stabbed into the endless worry I tried to hide. “Shut up, Tyler.”
His face paled as he realized what he’d said. “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant tonight.” True regret showed on his face, as all color leached from his cheeks. “I didn’t mean that.”
I touched his hand. We were all short on sleep and high on ugly emotions. “I know.”
He shook his head and mumbled, “I just meant tonight.”
I nodded because it hurt to say he might be right, but chances were she wouldn’t wake up tonight, or tomorrow, or the day after that. It had been three weeks and nothing had changed.
It was as if we were all in a coma, holding our breath until the moment Elle opened her eyes and we could all start living again. What if she never woke up?
Don’t think that shit. Take it back. Take it back now!
I take it back. She’ll wake up. It’s Elle. She has to wake up.
Right?
There was no reassurance. Only cold silence.
Disregarding Tyler’s advice, I drove to the hospital. When I entered Elle’s room I froze. A bed, made and empty, filled the hollow space.
“What the fuck?”
Pivoting, I bolted into the hall. Kittens, otherwise known as Nurse Ally, looked up from the desk with a start as I crashed into the counter. “Where’s my friend?”
A doctor glanced at me while reviewing a file with the family members of another patient. Ally shook her head, a look of confusion flashing in her startled eyes. “Your sister?”
“Elle Tuttle, where is she?”
“Let me check.” She typed something into a computer. “Jenn, do you know if they moved any patients today?”
The other nurse stepped to Ally’s side. “The Tuttle woman? They moved her around noon. I have her paperwork somewhere. Let me check.”
“Was something wrong? Why did they move her? Did she wake up? They were supposed to call me if she woke up.”
“I don’t believe there’s been any change.”
Ally sent me an apologetic look. She understood. This other nurse was too distant to get it. I’d only seen her a handful of times on this floor.
“Check faster. How do you lose a patient?”
The other nurse pursed her lips. “She’s been moved to the fifth floor, but visiting hours are over—”
I ran to the elevators and repetitively jammed my finger in the button until the doors opened. Breaking into a sweat, I tried to calm my nerves, but my stomach was cramping painfully.
They would have called if anything changed. They had my number and specific instructions to call either Tyler or me.
I walked briskly to the nurse’s station on the fifth floor and managed my words carefully. “I’m looking for Elle Tuttle. She was moved here from the second floor and I don’t know why.”
The nurse checked a chart. “She’s in room five-ten.”
I glanced at the room numbers. “Why was she moved? What ward is this? Did something happen? I should have been contacted if there was any sign of change.”
“This is long-term care.” She wheeled her chair back to a desk and grabbed a file, flipping it open. “I don’t see any notes regarding her status today… Hmm… That’s strange. I’m not sure why she was moved from two. There’s been no change.”
No one had any answers. Nodding, I turned and went in search of five-ten. When I saw the placard, my stomach twisted. I slowly pushed open the door and my jaw unhinged.
Elle lay peacefully on a freshly made bed, looking much like she did the last time I saw her. But the room was huge. A mauve loveseat was against one wall and a large arrangement of flowers sat on a dresser. Angling my neck, I peeked through the door into the room next door. That room looked normal. Small, with two beds separated by a curtain. This room was like a hotel, but with wires and scary machines.
I shuffled to the bed and brushed my hand over Elle’s fingers. She needed a manicure. “Hey.”
Silence.
Dropping my purse on the loveseat, I inspected the flowers. It was a stunning arrangement of lilies and exotic tropical blooms that overpowered the scent of disinfectant in the air. Digging through the petals, I found a card and smiled.
Get well soon.
~The Davenports
That’s when it clicked. This wasn’t the doctor’s decision. It was theirs. They’d had Elle moved, probably demanding the room include suitable seating for visitors, knowing Tyler and I were frequently here.
I removed my phone and dialed. I’d speak to Hale in a bit, but first I had to call the person who unapologetically threw his weight around to get his way.
“How’s the room?” Remington answered and I grinned at the familiar, gruff sound of his voice.
“Thank you.”
He grumbled. “Does it have a sleeper sofa? I told them to make sure it had somewhere for visitors to rest.”
Wiping the tear from my lashes, I nodded. “It does. Thank you, Remington.”
I couldn’t express how much his gesture meant, so I repeated my gratitude over and over again. Once I pulled myself together, I asked, “How are things there?”
“The cast comes off tomorrow.”
Sad I’d miss the big reveal after taking care of him for so long, I tsked. “You must be thrilled.”
When Remington suffered a heart attack at the beginning of summer he’d also taken a nasty spill and broken his foot. That’s where I came in. I was hired to compensate for his lack of mobility. Some assistants were right hands. I was a left foot.
“It’ll be nice to finally get around. There’s a chance I might have to wear a boot, but we’ll see about that.”
I rolled my eyes. “If the doctors tell you to wear a boot, wear the boot, Remington.”
Again, he grumbled. “How’s your friend?”
I had no news regarding Elle, but the room change was a great distraction. As I spoke to Remington I wandered around the space, scoping out the bathroom and cabinets and babbling about nothing in particular, but he acted like everything I said was interesting.
“We miss you, Meyers.”
My heart pinched. Remington didn’t talk about his feelings easily. “I miss you, too.”
“Fall courses start up soon. Have you looked at the roster?”
He’d been trying to talk me into going back to school for business, but I had no interest in returning to college, especially now. I already had one degree I didn’t use. It seemed cumbersome to have two.
“I’m a little busy working at the bar and being here.”
“Sign up for a class, Meyers. It’ll do you good. You could study while you keep watch over your friend.”
“We’ll see.”
I wouldn’t. Despite his offer to pay, I was all the way in Oregon and life seemed too unpredictable at the moment to make big commitments. Sure, I could take something online, but since Elle’s accident, my brain had gone on vacation. Sometimes it took me five tries to type an order into the register at work. I was in no state of mind to learn.
“Thanks again for the room, Remington.” I sensed him getting tired and considered the time difference between here and Florida.
“It’s nothing. You take care of yourself, Meyers. Hurry up and come home.”
The line went dead and I shut my eyes. Home. It wasn’t my home, of course. It was one of Remington’s many houses. But being away still managed to fill me with a painful sense of homesickness.
I talked to Elle for the next hour, unsure if she could hear me or even knew I was there. It was sort of like being in a confessional with a priest, not that I’d ever done that, but part of me wanted to.
“It’s hard to believe it was only a few weeks that Hale and I were together,” I said softly, massaging her arms. “I mean, I’ve been home that long. What happens if I’m here for months?”
Elle always had answers for me, so I asked her questions. If she could hear me, she might wake up with all the answers.
“If Hale and I are apart longer than we were together, will time start subtracting from itself?” I laughed sadly, still processing the fact that I, Calamity Rayne, had a living-breathing boyfriend.
“If you could have seen him the night I told him we could have sex again. It was right after I found out about his daughter and I’d been avoiding him for days. He was so eager he cut right through traffic and mauled me in his driveway. That was some good lovin’.”
How was he making do without me now? I’d been carrying this strange weight for the past few days and coming to recognize it as doubt, but I hated admitting that I had doubts—even to myself or my comatose friend.
The problem with working for Remington was he told the truth even when it wasn’t what you wanted to hear. The night before I’d returned home, Remington made a comment about men wanting everything. He said Hale was his son and implied that I might be better off keeping away from him due to my radical opinion that men should be monogamous. But Hale was also Naomi’s son and that woman had done well. Hale wasn’t a scoundrel like his dad.
Hale had a lot of Remington’s qualities, but he’d dodged a great deal of his father’s negative traits. Hale knew how to apologize when he was wrong, say please and thank you, and we were finally getting to a point where he’d let down his guard in private. His father did none of those things.
“I miss him so much,” I whispered.
Sighing, I placed Elle’s hand on the blanket. Her fingers were getting thinner. Emotion choked me as I stared at her arm, thinking it too fragile.
“Please wake up, Elle. I don’t know how to make sense of anything when you’re not here to tell me what to do. Should I go back? What if he can’t do long distance? What if what we had only felt like love, but it was really some sort of infatuation? Maybe he doesn’t miss me at all. And what if you opened your eyes and I missed looking into them for a split second? I miss both of you so much.”
I rested my head beside her arm, my voice shrinking with every painful word. “This is so hard. I don’t want to lose him, but I can’t leave you here like this. You have to wake up. I need you.”
When she didn’t respond I wasted no time on disappointment. Elle didn’t choose this. She’d want to be awake. Her entire existence revolved around living and milking life for all it was worth.
As I drove home I considered my new reality. It was really just a matter of perception, each person drawing their own unique conclusions from personal events.
It was getting harder to recall the way Hale and I were together. We were so new, just beginning to explore this incredible chemistry we shared when the rug was pulled out from under us.
My life went from ordinary, to exciting, to stagnant again. But his life had always been fast-paced and now he had a newborn daughter keeping him busy on top of everything else. I was probably an afterthought at the end of each day.
What seemed like years, actually happened in the span of weeks and suddenly felt like a ridiculously short time to put so much emphasis on something as intangible as love. All I treasured seemed to be slipping through my fingers and no matter how tightly I closed my fists, nothing could hold those tender feelings in place. I needed to find a pause button on life until everything returned to normal.
Perhaps I was placing too much weight on our connection. Maybe this was one of those love affairs people looked back on fondly, but never revisited. Was this where phrases like it just wasn’t the right time came from?
I debated the mercy of shooting a horse with a broken leg. Perhaps our relationship was a hobbled horse waiting to be put out to pasture. Maybe it would be better to call it what it was and not drag it out into something ugly and painful. Just shoot the poor, damn nag so this suffering could end.
Hale called just as I pulled into my mom’s driveway, so I sat in the car for a bit of privacy.
“How was your day, baby?” His voice always undid parts of me.
I’d never met someone so capable of calm. Sometimes his apparent tranquility freaked me out, but I’d seen him lose his shit once and that was enough. On the outside, Hale was a perfect gentleman, but on the inside, he was full of passion, an uninhibited, fervent man who needed to let go. He told me I was his escape from the pressures of life. I loved being that for him.
“It was fine. I miss you,” I whispered. It felt like that was all we ever said to each other.
“I miss you, too. You okay? You seem a little down.”
I’d been down since leaving Florida, but today was really getting to me. “I’m just worried.”
“About Elle?”
“Yes, her and … us.”
He was silent for a beat. “What about us?”
“I’ve been gone for almost four weeks, Hale.”
“Believe me, I know.”
“I’ve been back in Oregon almost as long as I was in Florida.”
“So?”
“I just… How long will we be able to keep going like this?”
“We’ll go as long as it takes, Rayne. Not having you here is killing me, but every day your absence reminds me of why you’re so important. It reminds me how much you mean to me.”
“I know. Me too. I’m just worried, that’s all.”
“Well, try not to worry, baby. Elle will get better eventually.”
But she wasn’t. The doctors were starting to drop terms like “assisted living” into subtle conversations and Tyler could hardly bear the hospital anymore, his visits dwindling down to less than an hour a day. Part of me believed Ty had to force himself to go, knowing I’d want a full report while I worked my shifts at the bar.
I wanted to feel something aside from terror, so I searched my heart. “Your dad got her a nicer room.”
“I heard. He misses you. You know he’d do anything for you.”
But even Remington Davenport had limits. He was no more capable of saving my friend than he was of saving his wife who’d passed away a few years ago.
We talked for a while, seeing as I hadn’t spoken to him in some time. It helped, hearing his voice and his confidence that we’d pull through, but it didn’t erase all of my doubts.
When I said goodnight I could tell my mood worried him, so I tried to fake cheer. “I love you.”
He hesitated. “Rayne, don’t let circumstances get you down. This isn’t how it will always be. You have to stay hopeful.”
I wasn’t a cynic, but that was a tall order, staying hopeful. Thirty years of running from my problems had not prepared me for one as big as this. This was very different from my ordinary drama. This left no room to escape.
“I will.”
As soon as I made it inside the house I went right to bed without changing out of my clothes. My mind played over Hale’s last words, now hearing a strange catch to his voice I wasn’t sure I’d made up or missed when he’d said goodbye.
Something in his tone filled me with worry. He hadn’t just reassured me. He was reassuring himself. Maybe he was sensing the same pressure, but still in denial of the threat.
Everything was too real. This long distance relationship was taking its toll on both of us. The ache in my stomach, the one I’d been fighting back all day, finally had a name. Fear. I was terrified.