Chapter Five
It’s Not About Me
The moment we stepped into Elle’s room I sensed Hale slipping on a mask. I suppose it was a bit jarring, seeing a woman in such a state. All the tubes and wires hardly registered with me anymore. I no longer came to this place with expectations, only with the hope that I might add a little sunshine to my friend’s long, quiet days.
Putting my belongings on the loveseat, I turned and faced Hale who waited at the door, expression blank. “It’s okay. You can come in.”
His eyes were watchful as he took those first steps. I moved another chair beside the one that I usually sat in.
“You can sit.”
He lowered himself into the chair as I rummaged through a drawer. Once I found Elle’s hairbrush, I carefully combed out the tangles that remained on the side of her head and dusted my fingers over the short spikes that had started to grow. Her stitches had been removed and her little sprouts were coming in nicely. Hale watched silently as I gingerly tucked her blonde strands behind her ear and grinned.
“We’re both struggling,” I told him. “Elle’s been in charge of my hair since I was fifteen. I’m desperately in need of a trim, but I promised her long ago she was my forever hairdresser.”
When he smiled, it didn’t reach his eyes.
“That looks good,” I told her. “I brought you something.”
Tucking the brush away, I went to my bag and retrieved the nail polish remover. Swiping a few tissues from the box on the counter, I sat beside Hale and got to work. He watched as I removed the polish from her thin fingertips, but said nothing.
“I got you this pretty blue-green. It’s called Teal the Cows Come Home.”
Carefully untwisting the cap, I held her fingers and I dragged the brush over her nails. I was terrible at keeping the paint off the skin, but Elle never complained. When I finished the first hand, I rested it on a tissue and moved to the other side of the bed.
“You’re quiet,” I said to Hale as I rubbed the polish off.
His gaze lifted, but his expression remained utterly blank. “I don’t know what to say, Rayne.”
My throat got tight, but there would be no crying today. Hale was here and it was a special night I didn’t want to ruin. Drawing in a steadying breath I smiled.
“Hale’s here. Remember Hale, the guy I told you about?”
The last awake conversation Elle and I had was right after I found out Hale was going to be a father. Elle told me to pack up shop, but I didn’t listen.
“He had his baby. We’re going to see her after this. Her name’s Elara and she’s the teeniest little thing, Elle. You’d love her.”
I blinked because sometimes my allergies got to me in this room. Voice tight, I said, “Hale surprised me today. Isn’t that sweet?”
Forcing out a breath, I decided not to talk for a while, because my throat was getting really tight. After I finished her manicure, which looked like a two-year-old did it, I lifted her covers and gave her a leg massage. Her legs looked like mine had a few hours ago, but that was okay. At least her blonde hair wasn’t as noticeable as my dark fur.
After an hour of taking care of her, I sat and held her hand. Hale was a silent statue the entire visit. I hadn’t known what to say at first either. It took me days to have a full conversation with her and I wasn’t sure if that was because she’d been so battered and unrecognizable, or if it had to do with my own self-consciousness. Now, I talked to her all the time. Tonight, I was actually holding back on account of Hale.
When an hour and a half passed I felt pulled to leave. I didn’t want to go because it wasn’t nearly enough time to be with her, but it wasn’t fair to keep Hale there.
Fixing her blankets, I leaned close and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “I’ll be back tomorrow, sweetie. I love you.”
My chest hurt as we walked out of the room. I should have painted her toes. I’d do that tomorrow.
We waited for the elevator and I glanced at Hale who still wore a blank expression. Maybe he got weird in hospitals. He’d seemed okay when Elara was born, but that was the maternity ward. Sometimes medical things made people uncomfortable.
His fingers brushed mine as we stepped into the elevator and I found my hand wrapped in a tight grip, but he remained silent. As we drifted to the lobby I contemplated his silence, assuring myself it was the situation and not me. But there was a curious tug in my chest that warned Hale was worried. About me, Elle, or something totally unrelated, I wasn’t sure.
I tried to think of something to say to break the ice but drew a blank. His questionable silence worried me. What if he was too detached from the situation to see the logic in me staying here? I needed him to not just accept, but agree that I was doing the right thing.
The longer his silence went on the more anxious I became. Deep down I knew what he saw, a girl so damaged she was in no condition to wake and bounce back into life. Elle was in trouble and she would be for a while, which meant I’d be here … for a while.
He opened the car door, but caught my arm and as I moved to get inside, startling me as he pulled me into a tight hug. “Oh.”
His face pressed to my shoulder as he squeezed tighter. “I’m so sorry, baby.”
Condolences were for death. Elle was very much alive in there. “It’s okay. She’s just building up her strength.”
His arms tightened even more and I patted his back. I didn’t realize seeing her would upset him. When he released me I was a bit confused.
We rode in silence back to the hotel, but as we neared the building, he finally asked, “How often do you visit her?”
“Every day. Sometimes a couple times a day.”
“Does anyone else visit?”
I’d told him about Chris and that her parents were gone. “Sometimes Tyler comes by, but he doesn’t go every day anymore. Just the days I have to work and can’t be there until later.”
His brow furrowed. “And you stay for over an hour every time?”
I shrugged. I usually stayed all night. “She’s there twenty-four-seven. I don’t want her to get lonely.”
His mouth flattened.
“Is something wrong?”
He shook his head. “I just can’t imagine doing that every day. I knew you’ve been visiting her regularly, but… I guess I wasn’t thinking what that actually meant.”
My head tipped back against the headrest. Yes, it was tough. Some days it was downright brutal. Once I’d started talking to her I tried everything. I pinched her, tickled her, I even yelled at her, but she never moved.
Elle had always been so pretty, so feminine. Next to her, I was a walking disaster, but she loved me anyway. I knew the nurses would meet her medical needs, but someone had to meet her emotional ones, so I took care of her as best I could.
But Hale was right. Others should be there. Elle deserved a room full of people caring for her. But at the end of the day, the most she had was me. Sometimes I blamed myself, believing if I wasn’t such a codependent person she could have gone off to do whatever she wanted in life.
That might be misplaced blame, but it existed all the same. For all of my awkwardness, Elle had twice as much elegance. She was smart and funny and graceful in every sense of the word. She stayed in Oregon because Tyler and I were here, but she’d been the first to encourage me to leave when my boring life got to me. I should have encouraged her as well. She was meant for bigger things. She could have worked at an upscale salon in New York or gone to Hollywood to work on movie sets. But as long as I stayed in Oregon, she stuck by my side. Loyal. And then I left.
All of my life I’d been terrified of losing the one true friend who put up with me. And now I might have lost her. The guilt gnawed at me, too shameful and unflattering to speak.
Elle had to get better because she had to get out there, chase her biggest dreams, fall in love, and stop worrying about me. Those opportunities were still out there. And maybe I was bartering, but if she could just wake up and return to her old self, I swore I’d never hold her back again.
When we reached the hotel, Hale checked his phone. It was late and I wasn’t sure if I’d see Elara tonight. “Am I staying here with you?”
Tucking away his phone, he faced me. “Isn’t that what you want? I’d hoped you would.”
“No, I do, but I should let my mom know where I am.” Otherwise, she’d think I was sleeping at the hospital again.
On the way up to his floor, I called my mom and told her Hale had come to visit. I don’t think she believed me. Ending the call, I huffed.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I pursed my lips. “It’s amazing how many people think I made you up. Is it that hard to believe that I could have a boyfriend? Jeez.”
I mean, I knew I’d always rolled my eyes at the whole coupling thing and never showed much interest, but it wasn’t like I was that awkward.
He laughed. “We’ll prove I exist tomorrow when I drive you home.”
I snickered. Then she’d see. I could have a boyfriend if I wanted to. I just never wanted one before.
“My mom’s going to keep Elara overnight. I’m going to run down the hall and say goodnight to her. Do you want to come?”
It was after ten and I was a bit drained, but the thought of missing a chance to see Elara... “I’ll come with you.”
His smile was gentle, his eyes sympathetic. “I know you’re tired, Rayne. She’ll be sleeping. No one’s going to judge you if you wait until tomorrow to say hello.”
And that was why I loved him. “I’ll see her in the morning. Tell your mom I can’t wait to catch up.”
“I’m sure she can’t wait, too. Go get ready for bed. I’ll meet you there in a few minutes.”
After washing up, I stripped down to my T-shirt and crawled into bed. Hale took longer than expected, but I heard him come in a while later. The television played softly as he moved about the room. I thought he might have made a phone call, but I couldn’t be too sure, as I kept drifting off. Sometime later, I felt him slide behind me and kiss me goodnight.