Chapter Eleven
Savannah pulled into the garage, slid out of Ryder’s Jeep, and walked around back to take out the bags from her shopping spree. She’d dropped Timmy over at Cara and Hawk’s house earlier that morning and had a quick cup of coffee with Cara. At first, Savannah was uneasy about the idea of leaving Timmy at the house of the vice president of an outlaw motorcycle club. When she’d met Hawk at Ryder’s cabin, the dark-haired man had intimidated the hell out of her, but Ryder assured her that his bark was worse than his bite when it came to his brothers and the people in their lives. But when Ryder took her and Timmy over to meet Cara and their son, Savannah took an instant liking to the friendly woman. They ended up talking for a few hours while Ryder and Hawk went over to the Insurgents’ clubhouse. Timmy and Braxton got along fine, and their daughter, Isa, seemed to have taken a real shine to Savannah, which touched her and stirred up buried longings to have another child. At thirty-six and separated, she knew time was ticking away, but she didn’t want to think that all hope was lost.
Savannah pushed open the door with her shoulder and set the packages down on the bench. She kicked off her boots and hung up her jacket then scooped up the bags and headed into the kitchen.
From the doorway, she saw Ryder sitting on the couch, his good leg propped up on the coffee table, and Brutus’s head resting on his lap. The dog barked but didn’t raise his head, then Ryder craned his neck, and those intense eyes that made her shiver bored into her.
“Must’ve been a helluva shopping trip,” he said, his gaze still on her.
Savannah came into the room and dropped the bags on one of the overstuffed chairs. “It was.” She smiled and sat down on the other end of the couch.
Since that night when she’d come into his room during his nightmare, Ryder had kept his distance. At first, Savannah had been hurt and disappointed, but as the days rolled by and she had time to get to know him better, she realized that he was embarrassed that she’d seen him like that. Silly, of course, but it made sense since Ryder had a real tough, independent edge to him. The guy was a biker, for Christ’s sake, and for several years he’d been an active member of an outlaw club, which sort of scared the crap out of her when she really thought about it. The guys who came around were all members, and they looked like they wouldn’t hesitate to cut a person’s throat if they crossed them. But what blew her away was how they looked out for Ryder and each other. They came over often, brought groceries, and one of them called every day to make sure he was doing all right. She could feel the love, mutual trust, and camaraderie they all shared; she’d never seen such a bond or connection like that between a group of unrelated people.
“What did you get Timmy?” Ryder brought a mug to his lips.
“A couple of games he’s been wanting for his Nintendo, some books, puzzles, and a whole bunch of other things.” Savannah tilted her head. “I know, it’s too much, but I feel terrible that he won’t be home for Christmas. He misses my parents a lot.”
Ryder pivoted toward her. “Does he miss his dad?”
“I’m sure he does, but he hasn’t talked about him so much.” She kneaded her shoulder. “My husband wasn’t into having a kid.”
For a few seconds, Ryder just sat there piercing her with his gaze. “I kinda gathered that. So is the dude your husband or ex?”
Savannah folded her hands in her lap. “Soon-to-be ex.”
“So, you’re divorcing him?”
“I want to. I spoke to a lawyer before I’d left Boston. I was planning to file the paperwork, but then he … let’s just say things changed, and I had to get away sooner than I planned.”
Ryder quirked his lips. “Do you wanna talk about what changed?”
It was a shameful secret lodged in her throat, ready to choke her every time she contemplated telling it. “Not really.”
“When you do, I’m here. I’m a damn good listener.”
A small smile fell across her lips. And a damn good kisser. That’s what came to your mind, Savannah? Really? The truth was that she couldn’t get their kiss out of her mind, and she was hoping he’d want to kiss her again. The way she’d been subtly flirting with him and patting his hands and shoulders, Savannah thought she was giving off signals that she wouldn’t rebuke him, but he hadn’t made a move. He’s probably not really interested, but he does look at me. A lot. Maybe he thinks “why bother” considering Timmy and I will be leaving after Christmas, and he’s right. What would be the point in starting anything?
“You look like you got something important on your mind. Care to share it?”
His deep voice took her out of her musings, and she tossed her hair over her shoulders. “I want to go to the tree-lighting ceremony. Cara told me about it when I dropped Timmy off at her house. She said it’s a community thing, and the tree is lit in some square.”
“They’ve been doing that since I can remember. The town council gets this big-ass tree and decorates it, then they have somewhat of a festival when the tree’s lit. Main Square is where they do that.”
“Do you still go?”
A crease lined his forehead, and his brows knitted. “No. Haven’t done that shit in a long time.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not into it—or any of the holiday cheer bullshit rammed down our fucking throats every December.”
Savannah jerked her head back. “I guess you don’t have the spirit of Christmas.”
“No, I don’t. It’s just about spending money, putting on fake smiles, and pretending to like each other even though most are bitches and bastards the rest of the year. It’s all bullshit.” Ryder waved his hand toward the packages on the chair. “Look at all the money you spent. Why the fuck can’t people buy presents and show they care during the year, and not just reserve it for one damn day?”
“I can see your point about the commercialism, but it’s nice to have a few weeks out of the year to really focus on our loved ones and those who aren’t as fortunate.”
“And forget the poor bastards the rest of the year?”
“Of course not. I guess it’s good for people who need to be reminded to open up their hearts a little. For those who do it all year, it really doesn’t matter if it’s Christmas or the tenth of August, right? For me, it’s about the family and the traditions. Traditions connect us to our loved ones who have passed away, and help to keep them alive for generations through honoring some of their traditions while adding our own for the future. Community events, like lighting the tree, brings people together for a night filled with fun and good feelings. We need that, especially in a world that is wrought with so much violence and sadness and loneliness. I don’t know. When I think of Christmas, I think of family, favorite dishes to prepare, making cookies with Timmy, going to church, and taking a temporary break from all the ugliness in life.”
“Good for you. To me, it’s just another day of the year.” He turned away.
“Didn’t you like it as a kid?”
“I was a fucking kid, but then you grow up and see that life is full of shit.”
“So, you always stay alone on the holiday?”
“Sometimes I go to my parents or my brother’s house, but they know not to buy me shit or try and push me into the whole holiday trap.” He threw her a warning look.
“Cara invited us over to their Christmas Eve party. Do you go to that?”
“Never been to it.”
“Is it something that you’d like to go to?”
“Right now … no, but you go if you want.”
“It’d be nice to go to a party, and I know Timmy would enjoy it. I feel so bad about him not being with his Grammy and Grandpa this year.”
“Then go.”
Savannah nodded as she twirled a strand of hair around her fingers. “Would you like to go to the tree-lighting ceremony with us?” She held her breath.
Ryder shook his head. “You can take the Jeep and go, or I can ask one of the brothers to pick you and Timmy up if you don’t want to drive on your own.”
Disappointment mixed with sadness swirled inside her. “I was hoping you’d want to come with us. I know Timmy will love it.”
Ryder turned away and stared at the fire. She saw a muscle jump in his clenched jaw.
“Is it okay if I decorate a little? If you don’t want me to, I can decorate Timmy’s room only.”
A long pause stretched between them, and just when Savannah didn’t think he was going to answer her, his deep voice said, “It’s fine, but don’t overdo this shit.”
“Okay, thanks,” she said softly as she rose to her feet. “I’m going to start wrapping Timmy’s gifts before Hawk brings him home.”
Ryder sat with clenched jaw, looking straight ahead.
Savannah picked up the bags and walked quietly out of the room. She took out three rolls of wrapping paper and a bag of bows then sat cross-legged on the floor and began sorting through the gifts she’d purchased. She opened a black box and stared at the sterling silver and white gold motorcycle chain bracelet with skulls that she’d bought for Ryder. She’d noticed that he sometimes wore a silver chain or a leather rope bracelet on his wrists, so she took a chance and bought him one for Christmas. She groaned and put the cover back on the box. Due to his Christmas rant, Savannah wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to give him the gift. If he throws it back in my face, I’d be mortified then pissed as hell, and that wouldn’t be something I’d want Timmy to see. She put it aside then began wrapping the presents she’d bought for Timmy.
After an hour, Savannah straightened up and moaned softly as her achy muscles stretched out. She glanced at the elaborately wrapped gifts and smiled just picturing how bright Timmy’s eyes would be when he saw the gifts displayed under the tree. The tree. Shit. Timmy and I can go get one tomorrow. I can ask Cara to help me with that. Ryder was going to a counseling session at the VA. He’d told her how he missed seeing his buddies since the blizzard had shut everything down for over a week. He still hadn’t told her what had happened over in Afghanistan. From what she could piece together from that night when she’d comforted him, he must have stepped on a landmine and someone named Jeremy was following, which had made Ryder very upset. Savannah wished he’d let her in, but then who was she to talk? She changed the subject the minute Ryder had asked her about why she ran away from Bret.
“No … I don’t want to remember that now,” she said out loud as she wadded up the small bits of ribbon and wrapping paper. After hiding the presents in the closet, she picked up the bag of trash and left her room, heading to the bin in the kitchen.
When she entered the family room, she saw a pretty brunette sitting close to Ryder on the couch, too close in Savannah’s opinion, and both of them were laughing.
“Oh,” she muttered too loudly.
Ryder craned his neck and flashed her big smile.
“I didn’t know you had company.” Holding up the bag, she mustered a small smile. “I’m just passing through to throw this out.” She skittered across the floor and went to the large receptacle in the garage. Who the hell is she, and how long has she been over? Not wanting to go back into the house, she leaned against the cold wall and waited until her trembling body couldn’t take it anymore. I’m acting like an idiot. Her teeth chattered incessantly, and she walked into the mud room and sat on the bench as she tried to warm up.
A woman’s soft voice lilted through the air accompanied by Ryder’s deep chuckles. When Savannah finally stopped chattering and trembling, she pulled down her knit top and shuffled through the kitchen. Hoping that Ryder didn’t see her, she walked carefully behind the couch and almost made it to the hallway when his voice called out, “Savannah, come over here.”
Dammit. She inched over toward the couch and the pretty woman with waist-length straight brown hair and big eyes of the same color met her gaze. The woman’s berry stained lips spread into a smile.
“Hawk called and asked if it’s okay for Timmy to stay for supper.”
The woman’s knee was pressed against Ryder’s. Her top was daringly low, exposing more than a fair amount of cleavage, and the hem stopped just above the waistband of a short denim skirt. Turning her attention away, Savannah looked at Ryder. “That’s fine. If you can give me Hawk’s number, I can call him back.”
“I’m Brandi,” the woman said, placing her hand on Ryder’s thigh.
“Savannah,” she mumbled. Her emotions were so conflicting that it felt like she was being twisted, bent, and torn on the inside. Brandi was pretty and younger than her by at least ten years. Of course, Ryder would have someone like her in his life. Her heart twinged and jealousy ran amok all over her body.
The young woman leaned over and whispered something in Ryder’s ear then laughed as her big breasts pressed against his arm. For one cold moment, seeing Brandi cozying up to Ryder while he gave her a lazy smile brought back the dreadful memory of Bret pulling his young lover to him and kissing her passionately in front of Savannah. Her heart hammered and Savannah willed herself to calm the hell down. Ryder wasn’t Bret and, even more importantly, Ryder didn’t owe her anything. They weren’t involved, perhaps a tinge of flirting; a single kiss between two lonely people didn’t count. I can’t be that naïve to think that he didn’t have a woman in his life. I’m being ridiculous and letting the past dictate my present feelings.
Avoiding his stare, Savannah stood up. “I have some things to do,” she said and shuffled away toward her bedroom. Once inside, she closed the door and wiped the tears trailing down her face. The truth was that Savannah hated seeing the younger woman laugh and lean against Ryder. She was jealous, and as much as she tried to talk herself out of it, realized that she liked the rough biker more than she wanted to admit. The images of Brandi and Ryder kissing and touching freely on the couch, now that Savannah had left, raged inside her mind.
A knock on the door had her scrambling to find a tissue to wipe her face and blow her nose. The last thing she wanted was for Ryder to see her crying. She fluffed her hair with her fingers, took several deep breaths, and then opened the door. He filled the doorway, his dark eyes boring into hers. Without saying a word, he closed the door and yanked her toward him, then he shoved her back against it and crushed his mouth on hers. At first, Ryder’s lips were warm and soft, and a small moan slipped between them. His tongue invaded the recesses of her mouth, plunging and swirling, until she leaned into his embrace, realizing that she could never have enough of his kisses. Then he deepened their connection and kissed her harder with a fervid, possessive need she’d never known before. She knotted her fist in his shirt, pulling him against her.
“Fuck, Savannah,” he rasped on her lips.
Every square inch of her body dissolved into his. Savannah’s temples throbbed and her heart exploded while she gripped his hair and tugged hard. Never had she wanted a man like this. Ever. His hands slid down her body and then back up, and when one of them cupped her breast, a million sparks singed her nerves, sending delicious sensations from her nipple to the ache between her legs. All she wanted was Ryder—to feel him inside her, his mouth hot on her skin, and his tongue blazing a trail down to her needy sweet spot.
“Ryder,” she murmured, slipping her hand under his shirt. The feel of his muscles rippling under her fingertips threatened to make her come just like that. It’d been so long since she’d had feelings for a man or even had sex for that matter. Then Bret’s cruel smirk cut through her arousal, dousing it like a bucket of ice water. Savannah broke away slightly and stared at Ryder’s quizzical face, at his lips that glistened from their kiss.
“What’s going on?” he asked, stroking the side of her face with his finger.
“You have a guest waiting out there.” Not exactly the truth, but Brandi was waiting for him.
“Don’t worry about her. She just came by to see me. We’ve got nothing between us.”
“She doesn’t act like that.”
“Brandi just got all possessive when she saw you. Club girls do that shit. She’s just a good friend.” Ryder gently kissed her. “You’re the one who’s getting to me.” He leaned in closer and pressed his erection hard against her.
“You’re getting to me, too, but whatever Brandi is to you, it’s rude to leave her alone.”
Ryder slowly nodded then stepped back. “You’re right.”
“And I still have to call Hawk.”
“I’ll do it.” He opened the door and walked out.
For a long time, Savannah stood in the hall listening to Brandi and Ryder chat. Each time Brandi suggested that they could have some fun, Savannah’s stomach would clench then relax as Ryder repeatedly turned her down. From what she gathered, Brandi and Ryder had some sort of relationship that involved sex. Maybe a friends-with-benefits type of thing? She wasn’t sure, but there was definitely more between them than what he’d previously stated. Before she jumped into anything with Ryder, she had to be sure of what was going on between him and the pretty brunette.
Savannah went back into the bedroom, shut the door behind her, then sank down in the chair and looked out the window. The sky was a dove gray with thin wisps of sunlight filtering weakly through the clouds. The evergreens sparkled, their branches bejeweled with frost while the arms of the bare aspen trees hung low with the weight of the snow.
“It’s so beautiful here,” she said under her breath. “Ryder’s beautiful, in a rough way.” She smiled when his rugged face filled her mind. And his kisses make my fucking toes curl. He’s wonderful even though he doesn’t want anyone to tell him that. He has a kind heart. I can’t imagine him ever treating a woman the way Bret treated me. The irony was that Ryder acknowledged that he had issues, but Bret thought he was perfectly reasonable in his actions toward people, including her and their son.
She rubbed her temples. “I should’ve left you a long time ago.” But she’d decided to stay for two reasons: in hopes that Bret would come around and love his son, and for fear that she couldn’t make it as a single mom. Timmy had a charmed life, at least financially, and he’d go to the best schools and have the best opportunities his wealthy status would afford him. Savannah knew how hard it was to climb the societal ladder, and she wanted so much more for her son than her parents could ever have given her. So she stayed. Bret and she lived separate lives, but the unspoken rule between them was that they’d treat each other with respect and play the happy family to the outside world. Even though Savannah was lonely without the love and intimacy from her husband, she learned to live with it. For the most part, things were going all right until Bret had begun to yell at Timmy and say crude things to her. She’d gone to a divorce attorney after several months of that behavior, and had decided that she was ready to leave him, even though she knew it was going to be a nasty, spiteful divorce. She had no doubt that Bret would ask for sole custody of Timmy to hurt her and to please Corinne. He always made sure to please Corinne. She was the one who came first in his life. Savannah geared herself for the challenge, deciding she’d file for divorce after the first of the year, but her plans derailed in a big way.
She leaned her head back and closed her eyes, afraid of the memories but knowing she had to confront them.
Savannah had parked her BMW in front of their mansion, cursing herself for forgetting the clothes for the tailor. She’d walked up the spiral staircase, and when she approached the master bedroom, the sounds of moans and groans were coming from inside. Her stomach twisted and her head pounded. For a long time, Savannah suspected that Bret was cheating on her, but she never imagined he’d bring the woman to their home.
Pushing the door aside, she saw a woman who barely looked of legal age, bouncing up and down on his dick. Bret glanced over, and instead of being mortified at being caught, he smirked at her then grabbed the young woman’s breasts and tugged them. The girl craned her neck, and when she saw Savannah, she cried out and had the decency to scramble off of him. Savannah spun around and headed down the stairs, angry tears filling her eyes.
“Wait, Savannah,” Bret called out at the top of the stairs.
Ignoring him, Savannah continued her descent to the marbled foyer. She heard his footsteps behind her, then the clack of heels as the young lady rushed past, her eyes cast downward.
The solid cherry wood door shut, and Savannah whirled around.
“How dare you bring one of your women to my home!” He laughed and reached out to touch her, but she cringed and pulled away. “I can’t believe you!”
In two long strides, Bret grabbed her, his hands vices around her arms. “I pay the fucking bills around here, so I can do whatever the hell I want. And don’t act so goddamn sanctimonious. I’m pretty sure you’ve got some pathetic loser servicing you.”
“Does it make you feel better to think that?”
“Not really. If I do find out who you’re fucking, I’ll take care of him so he’ll be singing in the boys’ choir.”
“I’m not cheating. Unlike you, I was raised to honor my wedding vows.” She tried to pull away. “Let me go. Your touch is making me sick!”
“You’re the one who fucked up our marriage, and you want me to honor my wedding vows?” He jerked her close to him and pressed his mouth against hers. She twisted in his grip, but he held her steadfast while pulling her to the ground.
“Stop it, Bret. Stop!” she yelled, but he ignored her; instead, anger plastered across his face as he pinned her to the cold floor. The hollow sensation in the pit of her stomach coiled into a lump of fear. “Please, let me up.”
He hiked up her skirt and roughly pushed aside her panties before brutally shoving into her. Pain shot through her as he grunted.
“You’re so damn dry, and loose as hell because of the fucking brat.” More grunts, more thrusts. “Your skin’s not young and firm like Zoe’s. She’s so much sexier than you are, and you’re wondering how I could bring her to our bed. How the fuck could I resist?” He laughed wryly.
Savannah tried to push him off but his arm was a crowbar across her chest. He grunted like a pig a few more times then shot his load inside her, his contorted face reminding her of a demonic troll she’d seen in a horror film back when she was in high school. Without a word, he pulled out, straightened his boxers, and walked up the stairs, leaving her spread eagle and dripping on the marble floor—humiliation burning through her.
Several minutes later, she heard the thud of his shoes on the marble stairs and scrambled to get up, but her hand slipped and she fell back on her elbow. “Shit,” she muttered under her breath then froze when the scent of his expensive cologne assaulted her nostrils.
Bending down on one knee, Bret brought his lips to her ear. “Don’t wait up for me tonight—I’ll be home late. He stood up.
Still dazed from what had happened, Savannah avoided looking at him. She heard the jangle of keys and the heels of his thousand dollar shoes.
“On second thought, I may not be back until morning.” There was a low chuckle, then the footfalls started up again until she couldn’t hear them anymore.
Savannah crawled over to the banister and heaved herself up. Shock still held her, along with a plunging sadness. She had to get out of there right away. The thought of spending another minute in the house she loved with the husband who had become a monster disgusted her.
The first sexual contact she’d had with her husband in over five years had been a brutal rape and he didn’t even think he’d done anything wrong.
A loud knock on the door.
“Savannah? Are you all right?”
She heard the knob jingle, and for a moment she wasn’t sure where she was.
“If you don’t open this damn door, I’m gonna break it down.” Concern laced Ryder’s voice.
“I’ll be right there.” Savannah pushed back the hair from her face then took several deep breaths before walking over to the door and opening it.
“What’s wrong?” Ryder asked, his dark eyes panning her face.
“Just tired.”
“Bullshit.” He pulled her to him and embraced her, resting her head against his chest. The beating of his heart was comforting, and she tightened her arms around him. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Savannah shook her head. “Not now.”
“Okay.” Ryder kissed the top of her head.
They stood in the hallway clinging to each other, and it felt so right. This bitter and broken man had taken a hold of her heart when she wasn’t even looking.
“Do you want to get a tree after dinner at Hawk’s?”
Savannah tilted her head up and locked her gaze with his. “We’re eating over there too?”
Ryder kissed the tip of her nose and smiled. “Yeah. Afterward, we can go to the tree lot with Timmy, and he can pick one out.”
“But you hate Christmas,” she said, swallowing past the lump in her throat.
“You don’t though, and neither does Timmy. Who knows, I may end up liking the damn thing once it’s up.”
A warm glow spread through her, and she drew his head down. “Thank you,” she whispered before pressing her lips against his. His noble act of selflessness touched her deeply.
Brave. Modest. Sexy. Maybe my wish for the best Christmas ever will come true.
Savannah tucked her hand into his as they walked into the family room.