Allie
After Lindsay left, I spent most of the night next to the window thinking about how much I'll miss New York, and how much I'll miss Xavier.
I keep kicking myself for not seeing Becky's deception. What kind of evil witch would take a person's happiness in exchange for…what? Was her ill-will towards me satisfied in knowing I would suffer for so many years?
I had confided in Becky about my love for Stanley. I knew he was the one even back then. And now that he and I were reunited for a split second in time, it's all been ruined.
She likely has seen the video and is proud of herself for ushering about this shitstorm. In essence, it's her fault. But I blame him too. He should've been a better man and been able to stand up to whatever resentment he felt inside.
I prefer to think of Xavier as always in control of himself, his emotions, and me. Now with this latest violation, I see that he was operating out of fear and not out of love for me.
I can't stop ruminating about him, though. Now it's morning and I spent most of the night awake trying to think of a way in which I won't have to leave the city...and him.
I'm afraid that I’ll always be in love with Xavier, even though everything within me is trying to deny it. I fell for him long ago and those feelings haven't changed. Even when I didn't know his identity, I did know that I loved him, that person who was a stranger to me in so many ways.
Lindsay mentioned forgiving him, and while I don't think I can do that, I also don't feel like I have closure either. I think it might be time to confront him more fully about what he did and to tell him that I'm leaving.
It's the least I can do considering how he's been frantically calling and texting. If I just disappeared without an explanation, he'd be crushed. He'd deserve it, but he'd be crushed. I, unlike him, am a compassionate person and I know he at least deserves a goodbye.
Also, I want to know the ins and outs of his betrayal. I'd like to hear more accurately all the steps he took to destroy me. It might hurt to know the details, but only then may I start about restoring my name.
I want to tell him goodbye and let him know that because of him I have to leave the city forever. The look on his face as I say this goodbye will tell me everything I need to know. I'll see whether he still loves me or not and exactly how remorseful he is.
I tear through the boxes in my apartment so that I can pick out a stunning outfit that will surely turn him on. Even though I'm mad as hell at him, the idea of seeing him never fails to elicit those nervous butterflies in my stomach. I want to look my best. I want him to know just how much he’s lost.
I guess I still feel something for him, but I will never admit that. I can barely admit it to myself, much less to him.
I look and I look for a certain item, and at last, I find it. I pull out a black lace dress that looks fresh off the fall runway, even though it's three years old. I put on my lucky black heels and make sure to apply my makeup perfectly. I want to look like a million bucks when he sees me.
My long blonde hair falls over my shoulders, and the look is accented by two, oversized hoop earrings that I bought on sale.
I look the part of a strong, confident woman now and I just have to act the part. I want Xavier to know what he's really missing. I want him to feel broken at the sight of me.
I take a cab to the studio, ready to confront him. Once again, I'm led directly to his office. But as the elevator doors open to the penthouse, there's no one there. God, does anyone around here ever work?
There are papers everywhere and his place looks as disorganized as mine. I wonder if he's been spending late nights here trying to fix my career? It's a thought I'd like not to think because it gives me hope, and hope at this point is dangerous ground.
After all, he could be trying to save himself as Hard Pressed is now under fire—as they should be.
I look around at all the paperwork and I see a company memo from Xavier about a new video shoot that's under production. It says it will announce changes to the company.
It discusses how the viral video went wrong, and how he intends to fix it. From what I can see, it's a well laid out plan to fix my life and his.
I think of him and how he said he loves me. I wonder if that's still true? When things got tough, I walked out on him, but what the fuck else did he expect me to do?
Being in his office makes me feel closer to him. Suddenly I'm overwhelmed by a huge feeling of emptiness at not being in his life anymore.
I miss his smell, I miss his commanding authority, and I miss the way he makes me laugh.
The thought of all the drama in my life seems less important than the thought of losing him. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I made a mistake walking out on him so quickly.
After all, he did apologize and he seemed full of remorse. Plus, he was just as confused as I was about the past.
Becky did everything to wrong us and her plans worked. I can't picture being that vile to another human being. The thought of what she did to us makes me sick to my stomach.
So why am I still blaming Xavier? He shouldn't have had it out for me, and he shouldn't have done the video, but he was operating under false pretenses. He thought I had hurt him. I guess that makes his betrayal a little bit more understandable...but just a little.
So, he's arranging a brand-new video to clear my name? That sounds really promising. I find myself hoping that he has been spending late nights up here thinking about how to fix everything. It's his fault that I'm in the position I'm in.
Remorse or not, I came to say goodbye and that's still what I need to do.
I figure he must be down in the studio working on the new shoot. So I think I'll meet them there.
Different emotions are swirling in my body and I don't know what's going on. I came here ready to say goodbye to Xavier forever. But seeing the memo in his office about his intentions for a new shoot and a new intention behind the company, well, that's made me second guess myself.
The elevator goes down and I try to prepare myself to see him this one last time. Why did I even come? Anxious nerves take over my body, as being around him always ignites an electrifying sense of desire that I can't stifle.
I feel myself getting closer to where he is in the building. My connection to him is like a sixth sense, something neither one of us can deny. But I still have to be strong and to sever this thing before it gets any deeper.
He's an asshole, a womanizer, a tyrant who's ruined my life. Remember that, Allie. Get through this.
My pep talk helps. I don't want to be with someone who isn't kind. I'm over the whole bad boy thing. Been there, done that. I'm looking for something new now, a real connection.
And even though Xavier's killed any chance of that happening between us, I still can't help but feel what I feel. He was the one, I think, and that thought scares me to death.
This is gonna be the hardest goodbye I've ever said.