Ten hours of sleeping and being alone with his thoughts and Luke was at his limit. There was only so long he could mull over the thoughts of last night and even after he’d made a few phone calls, he really didn’t want to be alone.
It wasn’t like he’d been lacking in offers of help. Both his constables and even his boss had called and offered assistance, and Luke knew that even his dickhead brother would come over and keep him company, if asked.
The problem was the only person he wanted to be around now was Jai, and Luke wasn’t exactly sure what to do with this preoccupation. He couldn’t remember anyone putting themselves on the line for him like that before. He didn’t think there was anyone in his life who would understand how important his privacy was to him, know how important it was for him not to be seen as vulnerable. He could remember last night well enough to know that Jai had spent some long, boring hours at his bedside, all of which definitely went beyond respecting his patient confidentiality.
Remembering that, Luke reached for his phone almost involuntarily and sent a message before he could think too much about it.
[I’m thinking of ordering some pizza. Do you want to come over and share?]
He didn’t have to wait too long for an answer.
[Be there in 30 min. Do u need me to pick up?]
After Luke had gotten back to Jai and clarified that the pizza was going to be delivered, he realized maybe brushing his teeth and actually taking a shower might be in order.
Taking a shower and then awkwardly putting back on his sling took significantly longer than usual. He was only coming down the stairs, slightly more carefully than usual, when he heard knocking.
“It’s open,” he called out, taking the last steps cautiously.
He could hear Jai’s voice before he could see him. “Sergeant, are you so sure that you’ve got the town under control that you don’t see the need for security?”
“Surely no one would dare break into the local cop shop. Nah, I do normally try and set a good example but,” he quirked his mouth as Jai came into view, “I’m lazy tonight and a little less mobile and yelling at the door seems damn sight easier than opening it.”
Jai smiled at him, and he looked good. Faded jeans, tighter than Luke would dare to wear, another tight black shirt with an abstract pattern, and that silky long hair braided back. Luke was getting so used to Jai’s look, and frankly, paying so much attention to the details that he could actually tell the difference between the professional work braids and, the looser, more elaborate “play” braids.
They had that awkward moment of greeting, where neither of them knew what tack to take—not really at the hugging stage but weirdly feeling past the handshake moment. Luke ended up doing a sort of odd wave from his side of the room.
Awesome, that was totally less awkward than a handshake.
“I’ll be a horrible host and tell you there is soft drink and mineral water in the fridge,” offered Luke. “You’ll get it faster than I could probably do it at the moment.”
He hoped Jai wouldn’t accidentally open the cupboard he had stashed his six-pack of beer in. He wasn’t entirely sure about the rules around ex-addicts and flaunting alcoholic choices in front of them. Let’s face it, he wasn’t sure about much. The last few days felt like seismic shifts had occurred, and he was just waiting for the earth to settle.
“Mineral water with ice okay with you?” came a call from the kitchen.
He was officially the worst host ever; this was the second time Jai had been in his home and the second time Jai had had to serve him. At least Luke had paid for the pizza with his credit card.
Luke tried to look relaxed on the lounge by the time Jai came in with the drinks. Not up to small talk with the man he found so attractive, he launched straight into the plan he had come up with today.
“I made a call to my boss,” he started, a little embarrassed but determined to get this out. “I wanted to ask if he would be okay if you temporarily moved in next door until the health department found you a house of your own that isn’t packed-student accommodation.”
Jai seemed a little surprised, so Luke continued with the sales job.
“There is a whole second policeman’s cottage there. It is supposed to be my constable’s, but he decided to stay on at the family farm so he could help out during his days off.”
Finally Jai spoke, sounding a little indignant. “Looking after you last night, making sure the drugs didn’t make you too vulnerable, that was not something I did because I was seeking a favor.”
Luke was obviously failing here in not making it sound like quid pro quo. “It’s just empty. The town needs a good radiologist and, understanding your particular situation, you would probably especially benefit from not living in party central.”
“Before this, you looked like you wanted me run out of town. Now you want to provide a roof over my head,” Jai said, making Luke sound like a real winner.
Luke put a frustrated hand through his short-cropped hair and started again. “I didn’t want to run you out of town. It’s just, I’m a cop, and you had pings all over the place when your name rings through our system.”
Admitting he’d checked out Jai’s background when he’d arrived in town was bad. He didn’t think saying, “I thought you were too hot to spend time around” would go over any better though.
“Pings.” Jai shrugged. “Well, you didn’t find any convictions I know of. And I’m frankly quite surprised that the hugely expensive barrister allowed any noise out of what I assumed were newly washed files.”
Jai looked up with mischief in his eyes and Luke wished that particular glint was a little less appealing. “I’d say not to trust men in wigs,” Jai mused further, “but the queens in my life give great advice, even in full royal regalia.”
That was enough for Luke’s body to actually shake in genuine laughter. Jai was from somewhere else, a land where Sunday afternoons were spent getting love advice from presumably glamorous drag queens. The glamour was a supposition, but he couldn’t imagine a man as beautiful as Jai surrounding his inner circle with anyone downmarket. Luke himself felt sure that in the city he wouldn’t come close to making the cut. That realization made him stiffen, again, and not in a fun way.
“Well, I got it wrong and as you are a staff member at the hospital, the boss was happy enough for you to stay there temporarily. The utilities are all connected and you can use my Wi-Fi code.”
“Even with the pings next to my name?” said Jai, eyebrow raised.
“As you said, no convictions. No one is going to care anyway, as you are not in the actual station out the front. Next door there isn’t anything more exciting than a 1960s bathroom and the fact that no one is going to break noise restrictions this close to the station and the copper’s house.”
Before Jai could give him an answer, another knock on the door came. Luke moved quickly. He might be comfortable letting Jai get his own drink, but there was still some part of him that didn’t want the local pizza boy seeing Jai here in the evening.
When he got back, Jai said in a quiet voice, “I could have said I was here to change your bandage. I’m pretty sure a seventeen-year-old isn’t exactly sure that this is outside the domain of the average radiologist.” The hurt look on Jai’s face showed.
“Can we say old habits die hard?” That was the most articulate apology Luke could offer for the moment.
“If I’m going to be around, you better tell me what those habits are,” asked Jai, forthright in a way that Luke hadn’t dealt with before. There had never been any man who knew even fraction of his secrets. Luke could have pretended he didn’t know what Jai was talking about but he also knew that a non-answer would have Jai walking away without a second glance back. Glorious creatures didn’t have to bother being friends with men who couldn’t even crack the door of their own closets.
“I don’t talk about this with anyone,” Luke admitted. “I fuck men, but I don’t talk about it.”
“Maybe it’s time to talk about it,” Jai said.
“Maybe,” Luke said, before he took a deep galvanizing breath. “I don’t have sex with anyone in this town. I grew up here, and I never have even hinted at it. I didn’t have sex for the first time until I was in Sydney at the police academy.”
“Only men?” Jai asked.
All those careful non-gendered terms and Jai wouldn’t even give him that. “Only men,” Luke confirmed.
“Gold star gay.” Jai smiled, putting his fist out for Luke to bump.
“Gold star fucking nothing,” Luke replied, keeping his fists to himself. “I pick up men on an app, fuck them, and send them on their way. I barely qualify as having human relationships, let alone gay ones.”
Luke could see that Jai was worried at the tone in his voice, but there was confusion in his expression too.
“I’m not going to say coming out is easy,” Jai started. “But the world has changed even since we were teenagers. We just got marriage. This town might be conservative and not everyone will like it, but are you so afraid of a few dirty looks?”
“You think I care about dirty looks in the supermarket? Hell, I get them now after I’ve arrested someone’s brother for drunk driving, or someone’s cousin for hitting his wife.” Luke looked up with Jai as if needing him to understand his next words. “What I’m worried about isn’t disapproval; it is a fear of the day that I get beaten to a pulp by some local thugs because the thought of me on my knees is stronger than the fear of my uniform. And I’m even more terrified that after I wake up in a hospital, I’ll get a call from headquarters in Sydney and they will tell me calmly that for my own best interest I’ll be joining them at a safe station.”
“Would that be the worst thing?” Jai asked gently. “To go to the city and be able to live more than a half-life.”
“I’m a country cop,” Luke said, somehow needing this man to understand. “This town is my home and serving here defines me more than any other bit of my life.” He could here the bitterness coming into his tone. “I also have a family here, and my brother would probably start the gay bashing himself if he knew I had sex with men.”
“Okay,” said Jai. “Okay.”
Luke leaned back, more exhausted than he could remember being. His shoulder ached but more than that he felt emotionally spent. These were explanations he had planned never to have to give. He wasn’t angry at Jai for bringing them up but he could do without the effort it took to breath air into his lungs.
“Do you still want me living next door?” Jai asked. “I’m not in the closet, and given the way I look, I couldn’t even hide there if I wanted to. If you ask me to live next door, there could be gossip.”
Luke respected that. Even though Jai didn’t agree with his choices, he didn’t seem to want to damage Luke’s cover. Hell, last night had proven that.
“You forget the way I look.” For the first time in a while, Luke felt some humor, even if it was black at the edges. “I’m a macho cop. No one looks at me and suspects anything different. Anyway, anyone who thinks for more than two seconds about you living in the constable quarters is just going to assume that the hospital asked for it.” Luke shrugged his shoulders at Jai, a little embarrassed. “Even my boss sort of thinks that.”
He could still sense a little hesitation in Jai, a little bit of reserve, but eventually the man nodded. “Out of the party house sounds really good. Tomorrow’s Sunday, so if it suits you, I can move in then.”
Luke didn’t want to think about why he felt such relief at Jai’s answer.
• • •
The next day, Luke’s shoulder still ached, but there was a sense of excitement, which he tried wipe from his expression, as he opened the door to Jai.
“I should have had a look at it last night,” said Jai, dumping a bag in Luke’s hall. “Is there a lot of things I’ll need to do to make it habitable?”
“Nah,” said Luke, trying to pretend that he wasn’t looking at Jai’s arms in a sleeveless shirt. Even after last night he was definitely not comfortable with the dude seeing him checking him out.
He noticed Jai waiting for him to continue. “They send in a cleaner once a month just to keep the place habitable. As long as you’ve got sheets for the bed, there shouldn’t be too much to do.”
Luke tried not to let his cheeks redden when he was talking about Jai’s bed. Seriously, he had been a cool guy all his life; he had absolutely broken himself of any outward reactions to men, and he was going to blush talking about sheets on Jai’s bed.
He looked around for something to do, but Jai must have seen his eyes fall on his duffle and his hands reach out.
What the fuck? Did the guy just slap him on his good hand?
“Yeah,” Jai said. “That is not going to happen. You aren’t even cleared for light duties. Give me the keys for next door and go freaking put your feet up while I move my shit. There isn’t much of it, and when it’s in, I’ll come over and make you some lunch.”
Tell the guy a secret and suddenly he thought he could mother hen Luke.
If Luke’s shoulder hadn’t hurt so bloody much, he might have put up more of a fight but, as he hadn’t slept much last night, the fight in him wasn’t very well developed.
• • •
Somehow today even with the adrenaline and slight tinge of fear that came with having Jai so close, of having invited the man into part of his life, Luke slept.
He slept heavily enough that, by the time he woke up again, Jai was in his kitchen presumably making him lunch.
“How long was I out?” he asked Jai’s back, still groggy with sleep.
“Four hours. I’m well and truly set up next door, and I’m bored enough that I’ve been banging saucepans over here, for ten minutes, waiting for you to wake up.”
Luke couldn’t help the smile that spread over his face. “No respect for those injured in the line of duty.”
“One word: fridge,” Jai replied, leaning against Luke’s kitchen doorway.
“I won’t whine about my shoulder if you never say that word again,” Luke tried to bargain.
“Deal,” said Jai. “But I’m actually going to be a concerned friend here and ask you if you need some help getting that shoulder sling right.”
Luke tried not to startle at the casual use of the word “friend.” He didn’t have many of them and certainly didn’t think to count Jai among them, even if the man somehow knew more about him than anyone else.
“It’s cool,” he replied cautiously.
Jai shot him a bright smile and went back to his lunch preparations. “Good. Do you have any mayonnaise?”
“It’s in the fridge.”
A bright choking laugh meant he couldn’t do anything but smile.
• • •
They had eaten their lunch and skirted only light topics in their conversation, but as Jai settled up the other end of the couch, after cleaning up, Luke knew his reprieve was over.
“I’ve decided what you need,” Jai announced.
“What makes you think I need anything.” Luke tried to keep his tone as neutral as possible but knew there was resentment noticeably present. Seriously though, he was a grown man who had made hard but necessary choices.
Whatever Jai noticed in his tone, he plowed on seemingly unaffected. “Babe, what you probably need is a good seeing to, but for many, many reasons that’s not going to come from me, so I’m going to be your gay best friend.”
Jai held up his hand before Luke could say anything, though god knew how he could have actually replied to that.
“I’m not the perfect guy for it,” Jai continued. “Let’s face it. We’ve been more awkward acquaintances than BBFs, but I know your secret and that makes me the only member of the gay friend club. I’m a proud gay man, and you need that in your life a lot more than you know.”
Luke didn’t know what to make of the offer, but he felt more than a little patronized. “Do I get any say on your plan to be my friend and give me lectures on how to be a better gay?”
Jai shrugged and gave a wider smile than Luke would have expected given the hostility of his language. “Not much of a say, really. You can give up the stubborn thing; I can see how hard this has been for you and I know there are some things that can make you feel better about your real self. I’m not going to pretend that I think the closet is a healthy place for you, but I’m certainly not going to out you. There is just so much fun in being who we are, and I don’t want you to totally miss out on it.”
If you aren’t interested in me why would you do this?” Luke knew that sounded more like a petulant kid than a curious cop.
“Hey, you aren’t the only one who definitely needs a friend. I’m a gay former drug addict who recently moved to a place where I don’t know anyone. Someone to be friends with is pretty necessary, and you seem to be who I’ve nominated for the job.”
Like Jai couldn’t make friends most places he went. But hey, Luke did want this guy around him on almost any terms. His attraction to Jai might freak him out, but there was warmth there that Luke had long had missing from his life.
“Okay,” Luke said. “We are going to be neighbors, so hanging out wouldn’t be the worst.”
That was him, gracious to the end. That kind of charm was definitely going to have Jai over here all the time.
Jai flashed another smile at him, and a knowing look, as if Luke’s rudeness was exactly what he expected. He made an arrangement to cook dinner for Luke the following night and then headed for the door.
As he turned to say goodbye, Jai got out his final surprise for the day. “Oh, and Luke, I didn’t say I didn’t want to have sex with you, just that I’m not going to.”