“I do hope he hasn’t been drinking today,” Claudia said.
The carriage rounded the corner onto her father’s street.
“If he has, then we’ll leave,” Derrick said.
“No, I promised him I would come.”
“You are fulfilling that promise. But you’re coming to visit him, and if he doesn’t have the common courtesy not to get himself drunk as a boiled owl before you arrive, then we shall leave.”
They were shown into the front parlor not ten minutes later to wait for her father. She heard the telltale rapping of her father’s cane on the floor, and then he entered the room looking more like his old self, although heavy bags sat beneath his eyes.
He stopped short in the doorway. “What the devil is he doing here?”
“He escorted me,” Claudia said.
“Well, I don’t want him here.” He puffed his chest out, looking very much like a country ram about to charge. “You hear that, Middleton, you’re not welcome here.”
“Then we shall take our leave.”
“Leave Claudia here. I’ll have a carriage return her later.”
“If I leave, she’s going with me.”
“Stop it, both of you.” Both men turned to face her. Derrick nodded. Her father scowled. “Father, Derrick is my husband, and you will have to accept him. Now let’s all sit and have a nice visit.”
That sat in silence for a good while until she couldn’t stand it any longer. “Tell me, Father, how are the arguments going for the new policy you’re trying to pass.”
He stiffened. “Did he tell you to ask me that?”
“What?”
“That’s why he married you.” He pointed at her. “Mark my words, girl. He married you to try to dig up information about me.”
“That’s absurd,” Claudia countered.
“Political stories, he wants them for his paper. You’ll see. That’s why he came sniffing around you in the first place.”
“For your information,” Claudia said, “I went sniffing around him, if you insist on such crude language. I introduced myself to him, not the other way around.”
“What are you talking about?”
She eyed Derrick, who sat silently watching their discussion. This was as good a time as any to break the news to her father. She didn’t want to keep it a secret anymore. She wanted him to know she was a paid illustrator.
Squaring her shoulders, she looked directly at him. “I went to see him to resign from my position with the paper.”
“What position?”
Derrick grabbed her hand and squeezed it. Her husband believed in her; she could do this. She could tell her father the truth. He couldn’t do anything to her now.
“I am an illustrator for London’s Illustrated Times.”
“A damned good one too,” Derrick piped in.
“Thank you.” She smiled at him.
“Impossible,” her father spat.
“What’s impossible? My holding a paying position without your knowledge or my having the ability to be an illustrator?”
He narrowed his eyes at her. “Don’t get cheeky with me, girl. How could you have kept this from me?”
She shrugged. “You saw what you wanted to see. It really wasn’t that difficult to hide. Only recently did I become nervous you would discover me, which is why I went to resign. That, and I knew I couldn’t continue once I married Richard. But now that I’ve married Derrick, I can retain my position.”
“This is ludicrous.”
“I had hoped you might be proud,” she said softly. “I’m quite accomplished.”
“Proud? You thought I’d be proud? Proud of my daughter selling her services like a common whore? No, I’m not proud. I am a viscount, Claudia, and the former chancellor of finance. No daughter of mine would have a paying position. Especially one working for a man like him.”
He stood and slammed his cane down onto the floor. “You’ve always been such a disappointment to me, and now this. Have you no consideration for me? No, of course not. You were so blinded that a man could actually want you, that you did anything and everything to encourage the relationship.”
There, he’d said it. Her worst fear put into words right here in front of Derrick. And she hated her father for saying it. She didn’t dare look at Derrick for fear of seeing the truth of her father’s words in his eyes. She had been blinded by his desire for her. Had allowed him to seduce her with kisses and love words, until she’d been ruined and forced to marry.
“To marry a man like this.” A look of disgust crossed his face. “Lowly born, unmannered, and clearly using you to further his career. A commoner only allowed in our circles because of his aunt and his money. If not for that, he’d be no different than the beggars on the street.”
For him to degrade her was one thing, but she would not stand for him to talk so disrespectfully of her husband. She stood. “That is enough. I will listen to no more of this. From this day forward, you are not to say another disparaging word about my husband or our marriage. If you cannot adhere to that, then we might as well say our good-byes now, because I will not be back. I’m not asking you to like him or even accept him, but you will not speak poorly of him in my presence anymore. Is that understood?”
She did not wait for a response, but rather took hold of Derrick’s hand and pulled him to his feet.
“Let’s go home.”
He only nodded.
“Claudia! Claudia, you cannot walk out on me.” Her father’s words trailed behind her as she marched down the hall, Derrick in tow.
“Do not walk out of here, girl; we’re not done with our discussion.”
She heard his cane and footsteps tapping on the floor behind her, but she didn’t stop. She didn’t want to discuss it anymore. She didn’t want to change her mind. For once in her life, she’d stood up to him, and she felt nervous and excited and sick all at once. Her blood pounded loudly in her ears, and she thought if she stopped walking, she might crumple to the floor.
“If you walk out of here, don’t come back. Do you understand me?” he yelled behind her. “Don’t you come back. Ever!”
She closed her eyes and stopped walking. She could feel Derrick’s breath on her neck. He didn’t nudge the small of her back to move forward, nor did he grab her arm and lead her outside,’ instead he simply stood there, behind her, allowing her to make this decision.
She hadn’t wanted any of this to come down to her choosing, but it had. And she couldn’t choose her father. She loved him, and she’d wanted her whole life for him to accept and approve of her, but it didn’t matter now. She didn’t need it anymore. She was proud of herself and her accomplishments.
She chose her husband. She walked the few steps it took to cross the threshold, then closed the door behind her.
“You didn’t have to do that, you know. You didn’t have to choose,” Derrick said.
“Yes, I did.”
She didn’t speak the entire ride back to their house. Derrick kept trying to think of something to say, something to make the hurt go away, but he was at a loss. Her father was a bastard; that was the only excuse. It wasn’t her fault, and she shouldn’t have to hurt because of her father’s selfishness. She was a dutiful and loving daughter, one any father would be proud of, but for some mysterious reason hers was not.
She cried no tears, but rather sat quietly staring out the window as they rode home. He wanted to comfort her, but didn’t know how. He wanted to kill her father for causing her such pain, but for obvious reasons he couldn’t do that. She’d chosen him, and he was yet again deceiving her. All for good reason, but what would she say if she knew he was close to accusing her father?
Once they arrived home, he followed her up to their room, not wanting to leave her alone. He closed the bedroom door and turned to her.
“Claudia, I—”
She put her finger to his lips. “No. There’s nothing to say. I’ll be all right. A little shocked. Although I’m not certain why. I shouldn’t be the least surprised. It’s not as if he’s shown me any warmth to indicate that he loved me and wanted me to be happy.” She tried to smile. “Honestly, I don’t know what my mother saw in him.”
“Perhaps nothing. They could have married for any number of reasons.”
“She claimed she loved him. But maybe she only said that for my benefit. I can’t imagine someone as gentle and loving as my mother giving her heart to that man. I’ve wasted so much time trying to please him.” She shook her head. “I don’t want to talk about him.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
She stood silently a moment, then met his gaze. “Yes. Right now I feel so numb, so dead inside. I need to touch you. I need you to touch me. I need to know that I’m alive and can still feel.”
He nodded.
She came to him then, her hands already unbuttoning her dress. Her eyes traveled the length of him in a look so seductive and practiced, she looked more mistress than wife.
In an instant, her mouth was on his, hungrily kissing him. Her fingers fumbled with his shirt, and he tried to help her, but she pushed his hands out of the way. She was in charge. Had his mouth not been otherwise engaged, he would have smiled.
She peeled his shirt off and immediately began unfastening his pants. Already partially aroused, he grew instantly hard as her hand grazed him while unfastening his pants.
He tried again to touch her, to cup her breasts, and she moved his hands.
“No,” she said. “This time I want to do it.”
She needed to be in control, and he understood that. She’d fought her own desires her entire life, and tonight she’d stood up to her father for the first time. It would take more than one night of taking the lead in the bedroom to banish her demons, but it was a step. She finished removing his clothes and led him to the bed. He climbed atop it and turned to face her. Her beautiful blue eyes had darkened to the color of the sky right before a storm.
She gave him a lazy smile, then began removing her clothes. Slowly. Seductively. He was going crazy with want for her. His loins ached for the warmth of her body.
First her dress came off, and she gave a little wiggle. Then her petticoat. Piece by piece, until she stood before him gloriously naked. He wanted to lick every inch of her pale, soft flesh.
His eyes moved to the triangle of hair between her legs, golden like the hair on her head. He longed to part it and bury himself inside her.
“Claudia, please.”
“Be patient.”
She sauntered to the bed. One hand grabbed onto a bedpost, and she tossed her head back, and her blond ringlets brushed against her plump bottom. He squirmed. She inched onto the bed next to his feet, then got on her hands and knees. Ever so gently, she crawled up his body, only stopping to rub her breasts against his legs, then his member, and then his chest.
She spread kisses up his torso and neck, lingering at his right ear, where she licked and breathed and nibbled until he thought he would lose his mind. He reached between them and cupped both her breasts, and she cried out. If she would but lower herself. He bucked up to meet her, and she released a low giggle.
“Do you want me?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“How much do you want me?” This time she looked him in the eyes.
“More than I’ve ever wanted anyone. Please.”
The change in her was dramatic, and it was all for him. He’d taught her to trust him enough that she felt comfortable being the dominant lover. His heart pounded rapidly. He loved her. God, how he loved her.
She lowered her body, and he felt the hot slickness of her rest against him. She moved a little. Back and forth, back and forth. Bloody hell, if she wasn’t careful, he wouldn’t make it very long.
“Claudia, I need to be inside you.”
She leaned in and kissed him while she lowered herself on him. She sat still for a moment before she began to move. Faster and harder she rode, and he thought he would explode, but he kept up with her.
She tilted her head back and squeezed her eyes closed. Tears slid down her cheeks, yet she continued to move. And then it was over, in a flash of pleasure. Her waves of pleasure subsided and still she cried. She collapsed on top of him, her curls brushing his cheek.
“Thank you,” she said quietly.
He said nothing, merely wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly.
I love you, he wanted to say, but couldn’t. Not now. Not until he could be completely honest with her. Damnation. When she needed to hear it the most, and he couldn’t bring himself to say it.
She listened to the steady rhythm of his heart. The crinkle of hair sprinkled on his chest tickled her cheek. She felt exhilarated and free. Never had she thought she would do what she’d just done. She’d never imagined the marriage bed could be pleasant, and Derrick had taught her differently, and now she was instigating their lovemaking.
She giggled.
“What’s so funny?” He smoothed the hair at her temple.
“Married life is not at all what I envisioned. I’m not the same person I was mere weeks ago. I can’t even believe what I just did.”
“You can do it anytime you want.” His hand slid down the length of her back and swatted at her behind. “I mean it. Consider me your personal love slave.”
Now that was a delicious thought. Every once in a while, it hit her that he was hers and hers alone. “Sometimes it doesn’t seem real.”
“What?”
“Us. Our marriage. Sometimes I think I’ll wake up and it will only have been a dream.”
He brushed the hair out of her face. “A good dream?”
“Yes. When we first got married, I wasn’t so sure. I thought you were the wrong husband, that my life would be a terrible mess from then on. But the truth is, I married the right man. I’m happy with you, Derrick, and I hope someday you’ll be happy with our marriage too.”
“What makes you think I’m not happy?”
“I know you didn’t want to marry again.”
“No, I didn’t, but I don’t regret it. I’ll never regret marrying you.”
“What about Julia?”
“What about Julia? She’s in the past.”
“Do you still love her?”
“No. I haven’t loved her in many years.”
“You said that day by the pond that your marriage to her was a story for another day. Will you tell me now?”
He shrugged. “There’s not much to tell, really. I met her shortly after I returned to London after going to the university and doing some traveling. She enchanted me, and I fell in love with her immediately.”
Claudia tried not to wince. She’d known he’d loved his first wife, but she hadn’t been prepared to hear him say it.
He idly rubbed her back while he spoke. “It was a boy’s love, though, childish and fanciful. We married a few short weeks after we met, and a year later she was gone.”
“What happened?” she ventured.
“She got pregnant.” He took a deep breath.
“If this is too painful, we don’t have to talk about it.”
“It’s not painful. Julia had an affair, her lover got her pregnant. Julia wanted to run off with him. She made certain that everyone knew the truth, that everyone knew who the father of her child was.”
“Wasn’t that a little risky with her reputation and yours?”
“Yes, but she didn’t care. She’d always been reckless, it was one of the things that attracted me to her. I wouldn’t let her leave though. I was selfish, I didn’t want to let her go.” He released a deep breath. “She died having that bastard’s child and he didn’t even come to her funeral.”
“And the child?”
“She lived all of three days, then she too died. She’s buried at my estate.”
“You gave her your name?” Claudia asked, already knowing the answer.
“Yes. She deserved to die with some degree of dignity, even if her parents had none.”
“You are a good man, Derrick.”
He shrugged. “It is all in the past. I was a boy, it was a long time ago, and it’s forgotten. Whatever your worries are about Julia, dismiss them. She does not affect our marriage.”
She smiled. “Very well.”
“I do have something I’ve been wanting to tell you, though,” he said. “I guess it’s a day for confessions.” He gave her a weak smile. “There are things about my past that you should know. Twelve years ago, I worked for my father’s newspaper, the Challenger. I was a journalist. His paper printed mostly political news. The latest of Parliament, scandals, debates, anything regarding politics went into that paper. And it was popular. The sales were great.” He was silent for a moment before he continued.
“Then I got the story of a lifetime. A scandal to beat all scandals. My source was reliable, or so I thought, and when I questioned the gentleman, he had no arguments against my facts. So I printed the story. And it ruined him. He was terminated from his position with the patents office and charged with treason. Two days after the paper was printed, he shot himself. His wife and daughter found him.”
His voice was lined with pain and obvious guilt. She tried to think of something to say, but found no words.
“I swore I’d never write again. And I haven’t.
Eventually the paper was ruined. People didn’t take too kindly to us ruining that family—we were blamed for his suicide, me especially.”
“But it wasn’t your fault. Surely you know that.”
“It wasn’t completely my fault. But I am partially to blame. As it turns out, the story wasn’t completely true.”
“But the man. You asked him to comment, and he didn’t challenge your facts.”
“No, he didn’t. I’ve always wondered why. At the time, I thought he was being a stubborn, righteous old man. But now I know that he was protecting someone.”
“Who?”
“He was being blackmailed to embezzle the money. Of the funds he skimmed, he never spent one cent. It all went to someone else. He should have gone to the crown and reported the blackmailer. But I suppose he didn’t see any way to do that. To him, the secret he hid was more important than crimes against the crown.”
“Do you know who it was? The person behind the blackmail?” she asked.
“I have my suspicions.”
“But you won’t tell me?”
“Not until I have proof. I don’t want to wrongly accuse anyone. I can tell you that my source, the one I trusted who gave me the original story, was Richard.”
“So that is your past together, why you didn’t trust him.”
“Exactly,” he said.
“So your father’s paper was destroyed by this one act?”
“Yes. He died shortly after that. That’s when I started thinking of ways to recreate his success. I wanted to carry on his good name of providing quality news to people. But I wanted to take it a step further and make it available to everyone. It took me eight years to get the formula right, but I’m proud of my paper. And I think my father would be proud.”
She touched his cheek. “I know he would be.”
“He would have liked you very much.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“You know, that wasn’t exactly the first time I’d heard that story.”
“You knew about me?”
“No, not precisely. That day you found Richard and me. He’d told me something similar. I figured he was angry and didn’t know what he was talking about.”
“Why didn’t you ask me?”
“I felt if it was important, then you’d tell me eventually.”
He was quiet a moment, then asked, “What do you think about it?”
“I’m dreadfully disappointed in myself that I did not see Richard for the man he truly was. Now I understand you trying to protect me from him. As far as the story and the man’s suicide, it was unfortunate. Certainly not your fault. I bet you were a wonderful writer.”
She tilted her head and kissed his chin.
“So you believe me?”
She searched his eyes. He was serious, concerned. “Of course I believe you. I trust you.”
“You’re amazing.”
She smiled. “I don’t think so, but thank you for saying so.”
“I’m serious. I’ve given you no reason to have faith in me, and yet you do. Unwavering, it seems. You walked out on your father for me. I don’t even know how to say thank you for something like that.” His hand brushed her cheek, lingering by her ear.
“You’ve given me every reason to have faith in you. Aside from your slight prevarication at the beginning of our relationship, you’ve been nothing but honest with me. You went out of your way to prevent me from marrying Richard, and while I’m not certain your tactics were the best, under the circumstances—me refusing to see the truth— it was your only choice.
“As for my father, I realized that I’ve spent my entire life seeking his approval, and it’s never going to happen. No matter who I am or who I become, I will always be lacking in his eyes. I much prefer the way I look in your eyes.”