KOA
I WROTE A SONG. NOT just a few words scribbled down, but an entire song. That’s what she does to me. It’s as if everything is new and fresh since Gracie arrived. She makes me want to breathe deeper, let myself feel and to live again.
It’s a bullshit, sloppy, love song, and yeah, it’s about her.
That’s a lie. It’s a totally honest, raw and emotional love song, and yeah, it’s all about her.
Once she’d left earlier with Lee, I was vibrating with energy and emotion. I paced, I drank, and I nearly pulled out every goddamn hair on my head and chin in frustration, especially after I texted her about my lie, and she didn’t respond. That was one of the longest half hours of my fucking life. Another lie, tonight has felt like one of the longest of my life.
I made myself a coffee while I waited, dug out my notebook and wrote down exactly how I felt, how Gracie Elliott makes me feel. I poured out everything that woman did to me, and I turned it into a song. Then I poured myself another drink, read and re-read her texts before pouring her a wine, switching on the lights on the back veranda, and taking both of our drinks, including the bottles, out with me and placing them next to the hot tub. I grabbed a couple of clean towels from the laundry and put them next to our drinks.
I didn’t bother with shorts, in fact, I didn’t bother with boxers, after leaving a note on Gracie’s bedroom door telling her to meet me in the spa, naked, I came back down here and climbed in. And now I wait.
THE DOOR TO THE VERANDA opens. I sip my drink and watch over the top of my glass as Gracie appears. She’s wearing her Queen of Fucking Everything robe, and my first thought is that I’ll need to ask her not to wear that when Malia is around. The kid is a combination of sponge and parrot. She both absorbs and repeats just about everything she hears.
I’m so used to it being just Kai and me most of the time that I’ve slipped up and cussed in front of her on more than one occasion. Her mother was not impressed when the preschool called her and said that Malia had called a little boy “a major fuckin’ pain in her ass.” Kai and me could hardly contain ourselves when Lucy stood on our front step ranting, but we’d managed to rein it back until she left. Then we’d both collapsed where we’d been standing and could barely breathe we were laughing so hard.
Fuck, I miss my kids.
And fuck, I’m seriously thinking about introducing them to Gracie.
I take another sip, or maybe a swig, of my drink and draw in a deep breath as I watch her approach, hoping that she’s naked beneath that damn robe.
She smiles. It’s not big. It’s small but soft, and it’s aimed right at me. My very naked dick likes it and stands slightly straighter by way of appreciation.
“Essex.” I tilt my head in her direction.
“All right, Cowboy. Ya miss me?”
“Sure did. You miss me?”
“Like I’d miss a hole in my arse.”
I spit my drink and throw my head back and laugh so loud that I scare a bird from one of the trees in the backyard. When I look back at Gracie, she’s setting down her speaker and her phone. She turns on the speaker and starts messing with her phone. I know the song the instant the first note hits my ears. It’s one of mine.
She’s smiling at me, bigger now than before, and it hits me right in the chest to think that she’s been searching for my music.
She tugs on the belt around her robe, and it falls undone. She has a bikini on underneath, and I have no control over my eyes as they slide from her face, over her body, and then back to her face as she shrugs out of it and lays it on the sun lounger next to the hot tub.
“How was dinner?” I ask, needing to do something other than just stare at her.
She turns sideways and pats her soft, flat belly.
“I’ll be giving birth to a calf in about eighteen months.”
An image of Gracie’s belly big and round, filled with my baby, our baby, hits me hard. The image steamrolls over every other thought in my head for a few seconds. I swallow.
“Nice bikini.”
Seriously? That’s all you’ve got Carmichael?
“Thanks. It’s a Rye. Last seasons but one of my favs. This is the Crackle, Rick Rack scalloped edge. Couldn’t get a hold of one if you offered up your firstborn during the summer. Luckily, I know a man who can and got sent a freebie as long as I mentioned it on the blog.”
“And once again, I have no fucking clue what any of that means, Essex.”
She picks up her glass and sips her wine before leaning in and patting my cheek.
“Nothing to worry your pretty little head about, Cowboy. Not till your daughter’s about sixteen and wants one.”
“My daughter will never be walking around wearing something like that.”
“We’ll see. Now, how the fuck do I get in this thing without flashing me gash at you and the neighbours.”
I swear, this woman has no filter sometimes, and I fucking love it. I go to stand to help her in but remember in time that I’m naked, so just offer her my hand instead.
I had the hot tub built into the decking on the veranda, rather than on it. Stepping down is so much easier than climbing up. Gracie takes my proffered hand and steps in effortlessly. I’ve barely seen her all week, and so out of curiosity, I ask, “How’s the wrist?”
“Wrist is good. It’s been a little sore when I’m sketching, but it hasn’t stopped me. Even when it was bad, it didn’t really stop me drawing. It’s more when I lift anything too heavy or put weight on it that I know it’s there.”
She sits and gets comfortable beside me. I slide my arm across the back of the tub, behind her back and shoulders.
I watch her as she takes another sip of her wine. Her hair was loose when she went out earlier, but now it’s piled on her head in that cute as fuck bird’s nest style she rocks, and her face looks like it’s been scrubbed free of any trace of makeup.
“So, come on then, Cowboy, you wanna talk? Let’s talk.”
No filter, straight to the point.
“What are we doing here, Gracie? I want you so fucking bad, and I know you’re feeling it, too.”
I use my fingers to lift her jaw, effectively closing her mouth that just dropped open. I don’t think she was expecting me to be quite so direct.
My hand remains in place, and I brush my thumb gently across her cheek.
“We gonna spend the next six months fightin’ this, or act like grown-ups, give it a go, and see where it takes us?”
“No more late-night Lexi calls?”
“No late night anyone calls for me, baby, that’s not what I’m about. Can’t guarantee she won’t pick up the phone and dial my number, though. But I’ll deal with that if, or when, it ever happens.”
She pouts her lips and lets out a long breath.
“If we do this and it works, please promise you’ll not fight it out of fear? I’m not them, Koa. I’m nothing like your exes. There’s no ulterior motive with me. What you see is what you get, and I’m offering you everything.”
I stroke her shoulder as we stare at each other. Emotions riot through me. I’m so fucking torn.
“I’m scared, Gracie. I’ll be honest and admit that. I’m struggling here, and I hate it.”
“But why? I know you’ve been fucked over in the past, but please, please believe me when I say I’d never do that.”
“I want to. So fucking bad, but I know I’m gonna act like a dick at some stage and fuck things up. I don’t wanna hurt you, but I’m afraid I will without even meaning to, just by being me.”
She’s quiet for a long minute.
“Just be honest with me, Koa. If you’re happy and it’s working, tell me. If you’re struggling with what’s happening between us, then I need to know that, too. Don’t leave me wondering, we can’t do this with both of us inside our own heads, one of us needs to have their shit together.”
“I thought I did have my shit together, then you landed on my driveway.”
“I didn’t land, I was tackled and assaulted.”
“You assaulted me.”
“Whatever. So, we doing this?”
She nods. “We’re doing this, but I’m warning you now, my wrist is almost better, I know where you keep your sharp knives, I will have your balls if you fuck me over.”
I shake my head while I look all over her face, my eyes land on hers. I want her to hear, see and feel what I’m telling her.
“I’ll never, ever deliberately fuck you over, Essex. I might fuck up. A lot. But even that won’t be deliberate.”
Without another word, she moves to straddle my lap. Despite the water temperature, I feel the heat of her pussy, the instant it pushes against the underside of my cock, forcing it against my lower belly.
Her head pulls me back, and she peers down into the water.
“You’re naked?”
“As the day I was born.”
She throws her head back and groans up at the sky.
“Give me strength,” she calls out to the stars.
The only sound for a few moments after that is from who I think is Adele, singing about letting someone feel her love.
It’s beautiful. Her voice is fucking amazing, and I need to research more of this woman’s music, everything that Gracie has played of hers I’ve loved.
“You got a problem with nudity, Essex?”
“Not at all. I just promised myself that I wasn’t gonna shag you tonight and now here I am, straddling your lap with my clit pushed against your hard dick and, well, I’m only human.”
“How human?” I lean in and gently bite her shoulder, she grinds against me, and I grind back. Her eyes wash over my face and mouth, before landing on mine, my mouth crashes against hers. Her lips are soft, her mouth warm and responsive. My tongue doesn’t waste time waiting for an invite, it heads right inside hers, taking, tasting, and exploring.
I reach behind me and set down my glass before lifting Gracie’s arm from where it’s wrapped around my neck and taking her glass from her. A second later, it’s sitting next to mine on the edge of the tub.
I reach around her back and unclip her bikini top, sliding the straps down each of her arms before pulling it off and toss it over the side.
“Right now, so very human.”
She combs her fingers through my hair, pulls my face into her chest, and arches her back. I hold on to her hips as we rock against each other and I suck on her nipple.
“Oh fuck, Koa.”
“That feel good, baby?”
“The best.”
I move to her other nipple, I don’t know if it’s the freezing cold air or what I’m doing to her, but they’re both like bullets. I blow warm air across her skin and feel her shudder.
“There’s a perfectly good bed upstairs, shall we take this inside?”
“If that’s what you want. Bed or spa, I don’t think I’m gonna have any trouble getting off.”
Her honesty causes me to chuckle. I stand with her wrapped around me and step out of the hot tub, and make my way through the house to her bedroom.
I gently lay her on the bed.
I lean in and peel off her bikini bottoms. I love the fact that Gracie’s pussy isn’t completely bare, it’s not a look I’ve ever been fond of. The landing strip of short, dark blonde hair is perfect, and I bury my nose and mouth between her legs.
And then I stop.
I look straight up Gracie’s body as she looks down at me.
“What?”
The look on her face turns from one of reverence to something more complicated...Pained? Panicked? She’s wondering what the fuck is wrong, and I’m wondering how the fuck I’m going to tell her.
I close my eyes, roll off her and onto my back, and groan.
“What the actual fuck?” she asks
“God damn it, Essex. I forgot the fucking condoms.”
Now, it’s her turn to let out a groan.
“I’m clean, Gracie,” I offer. “You’ve got my word on that. Not had sex without protection since my wife.” I reach out, take hold of her hand, and squeeze.
“But I’m not on the pill,” she reminds me.
I roll back over on top of her, and the words are out before I even consider their implications.
“I’ll pull out.”
“You’ll pull out?” she repeats. “Are you fucking mad? Last week, you told me that you were looking for no-strings sex and zero commitment, now you wanna have unprotected sex with a girl that’s not even on the pill? Are you even serious right now, Cowboy?”
“As a heart attack, Gracie.”
“No, it’s not worth the risk.”
Unbidden, the image of a very pregnant Gracie once again pops into my head, and I have to close my eyes and consciously force the image down before I go too far down that path.
“Where’s the risk if I’m gonna pull out?”
“No. Not going there. What if I end up pregnant?”
“You won’t.”
“How’d you know that?”
“I’ll pull out, and then we’ll take a shower straight after.”
“If it were that easy, Koa, the morning after pill would never have needed to have been invented.”
“That’s it, we’ll go into town tomorrow, head to the pharmacy and get the—”
“Stop talking, Koa. Stop talking right now.” She cuts me off.
It’s a good thing because I have no fucking clue where these thoughts and the words that I keep spewing are even coming from.
I don’t know myself right now.
This is what she does to me.
I let out a long sigh, get up, and go around to Gracie’s side of the bed. I lean in and kiss her gently on the nose and mouth.
“I’m sorry. That was selfish. My brain cells are obviously all in my dick at the moment. I’ll be as quick as I can.”
I kiss her again, this time on each nipple, because they’re there, and I can.
“Get under the covers, Gracie, you’ll get cold here without me keeping you warm. I’ll be back soon.”
“Drive careful,” she calls, as I head for the door.
“Always,” I call back.
I FEEL ASHAMED OF MYSELF. What a seriously dick move I just pulled, trying to convince Gracie to have unprotected sex with me. What the fuck was I thinking? And then to suggest that we just go for it and get her fixed up with the morning after pill tomorrow? Fuck. Me!
I actually groan as I tear along the dark empty roads at a speed barely safe enough not to spin out at any of the bends.
Gracie’s comment about ‘literally dying for a shag’ wasn’t exactly appreciated when I locked myself out in the snow the other night. I’d lost all trace of my sense of humour when I thought my dick and balls were gonna freeze off, especially when she started making her wisecracks and then telling me that she took a shower while I was facing a sub-zero, untimely, very naked and icy, death. Tonight, though, with thoughts of her lying naked in my cabin, waiting on my return, I allow myself to chuckle at her funny, if slightly warped and wicked, sense of humour.
I park outside the gas station and run inside, leaving the engine of my truck running. I empty the shelves of every pack of Trojan Bare Skins in XL that they have, and that’s when I spot the flowers. The choice is limited. I’m at a gas station in the middle of winter. It's a Wednesday night, just a few days out from a three-day snowstorm, but I take everything they have. I then hunt down the biggest box of chocolates I can find, ignoring the fact that they’re in a heart-shaped box and what Gracie might think about that. I take everything to the register.
The woman behind the desk looks down at my purchases and then up at me before smiling. I know her face from growing up here, but not well enough to put a name to it.
“If you’re hoping to get lucky, put the box of Whitman’s back. They’re two days from being outta date and taste like shit. On that end cap over there are smaller boxes we got in especially from Belgium for the holidays. Smaller box gonna cost you twice as much. Size ain’t always everything, though.” She holds up one of the boxes of condoms as if to make her point.
“A lady’ll prefer quality over quantity in most things in this life, whether it be chocolates or dick. Besides, I know who you are, and know damn well you can stretch to something better than a near date expired, heart-shaped box of Whitman’s. Now put them back and pick up the Belgian before you have your daddy spinning in his grave and I have to make a call to your momma so as she can give you a talking to.”
I leave the gas station feeling even more ashamed than when I walked in. Gracie’s not Lucy. She doesn’t need to be showered in the biggest and best of everything. Don’t ask me how I know this; I just feel it in my gut.
Then again, I’ve been completely wrong about the women in my life before, so who the fuck knows.
My bourbon and sex adrenaline buzz from earlier has worn off, and I drive home to Gracie a lot slower.
When I come through the front door, I can hear music playing upstairs. I go into the kitchen, unwrap the flowers from their plastic, and make one big bunch out of them. I pull a pair of scissors from the drawer and snip the ends off and remove the lower leaves like I’ve seen my mom do. Then I hunt for a vase, but end up settling for a pitcher that I find in the cabinet instead. I half fill it with water and arrange them as best I can, hoping Gracie appreciates my efforts. I’ve never in my life arranged flowers before and never plan to admit to anyone that I did it tonight.
I put the pitcher full of flowers on a tray with the chocolates and condoms, take off all of my clothes, and with a single flower between my teeth, head back up the stairs.
When I get to Gracie’s bedroom door, she’s sitting with her back against the headboard, sheets tucked under her arms, barely covering her perfect tits. My dick comes to life the instant we both catch sight of her. She’s so fucking gorgeous.
There’s a woman’s voice singing softly from her speaker. I’ve no clue who it is and have never heard the song before, but I like it.
Gracie’s looking down at her phone, smiling at something, and doesn’t notice me for a minute. Then she does.
And I’m fucked. I can deny it all I want, but after just seven days of trying to fight it, I’m ready to wave the white flag—from my dick if that is what it takes—and admit defeat. There’s something happening here, between the two of us that I have no control over.
When she looks up and gives me that smile, I know it.
When her eyes widen, and her hand comes up to cover her mouth, and the sheet on one side drops to her waist, exposing her beautifully inked skin, I sure as shit know it.
When she laughs and then, bursts into tears, and my own lips tremble at seeing her cry, I’m absolutely, one hundred and ten percent positive.
“What did you do?” she asks through a sob. I’m not sure if she’s laughing or crying. A bit of both, I think.
I move towards her and put the tray down on the nightstand before handing her the flower from between my teeth.
I climb onto the bed and pull her into my lap.
“What’s with the tears? Did you miss me that much? Or are you just fretting that I brought you flowers and forgot the condoms again?”
She laughs through her tears and, then stops, blinking rapidly while looking at me.
“Wait. What? Please tell me you got the condoms?”
“Of course, I got the condoms, but I also got you the flowers and some chocolates by way of an apology for the things I said earlier.”
“Which ones?” She smiles as she asks and her tears shine in her eyes.
“Chocolates?”
“Which words are you apologising for?”
“Well, everything that I’ve ever said that might’ve caused offence. I guess it can’t be too many, we only met a week ago, but especially for what I said before I left.”
I swipe tears from her cheeks with my thumb, and her jaw starts to tremble again.
“No one’s ever brought me naked flowers before.” She sniffs.
“The flowers are dressed in a pitcher, it’s me that’s naked.”
“You know what I mean.”
She sniffs at her flower.
“What kind is it?” She asks.
“The purple kind that means, ‘Sorry, Gracie, I’m a dick.’”
“You’re forgiven.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Gonna let me get in your panties now?”
“Well, one, I wear knickers not panties, so please just stop with that word. And two, I’m lying in this bed stark bollock naked. I think it’s a given that you’re gonna be getting in anywhere you want, especially after bringing me the most thoughtful first-timers gift ever.”
“What can I say, I’m a thoughtful kinda guy.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, baby.”
“Come show me.”
So, I do. With my mouth, tongue, and fingers, I show Gracie how thoughtful I am. And when I finally slide my dick inside her, wrapped tight in a condom, I make sure that she’ll never ever forget my thoughtfulness.