CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Cruise
“How’d you get in here?”
My dad is waiting on me, probably ready to rip me a new one, just like Ruby did. I’m so not in the mood for it tonight.
“You don’t need to know how I got in here.” He gets up from where he’s sitting on my couch. “Instead, what we need to do is talk about how we’re going to get you to where you need to be.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? This is me.”
“This isn’t you, we both know that. I didn’t raise you to be a fuck face. You haven’t been answering my calls, your mom’s, Kelsea’s, or come to find out Ruby’s, so let’s talk about this Caleb. What the fuck is going on?”
“Nothing.” I grind my teeth together, not wanting to do this with him.
“We’ve done this once before son, and we won’t do it again. Do you remember when your friend died? Remember when you pushed everyone away? How’d that work out for you?”
“How does having a murderer for a son work out for you?” I fire back at him. “Because I’m on administrative leave for committing murder.”
“No.” He shakes his head. “You aren’t. You’re on administrative leave for using deadly force related to your job. They are two different things, Caleb. Two very different things.”
“They don’t feel like different things,” I argue as the door opens behind me.
I turn around, seeing Morgan standing there. His inked arms folded over his chest. His eyes meet my dad’s. “Figured you might need some help and wanted to offer it in case you did.”
“So what? You two gonna gang up on me, confront me like Ruby just did? Let me cut you to the bone with the venom I’m gonna spew? We all know I’m a fucker when backed into a corner. I strike first, ask questions later. You wanna confront me? You better be ready to take it.”
Dad comes to stand in front of me. “You’ve been like this since you were a kid. Always trying to strike first, always trying to deliver that blow before it’s dealt to you, but I swear to you, that’s not what’s happening here. Let me explain.”
“There’s nothing to explain,” I yell. “I shot a man and it’s fucked me up.”
“It’s not the first thing that’s ever fucked you up, Caleb,” Dad starts. “You wanna go back to the beginning? Lay this shit down at my feet. Blame me. I’m the one who started it. I’ve told you before I shoulda given you away and not kept you for my own selfish reasons. I kept you, even when I deployed to a war I wasn’t sure I was going to come back from. I wasn’t a perfect parent, I put you through shit you’re probably still trying to deal with today. You wanna start at the beginning? Blame me. Let’s get this all out. If you ain’t gonna listen to me, then fuckin’ cut me down, and when you’re done, I’ll tell you what you need to know. I’ve been here, I’ve done this. Maybe not as a member of the MTF, but I’ve killed to live. When you’re faced with the decision, you make it. I’m a big man.” He sits down on my couch and spreads his arms wide. “I can take it. Whatever you want to dish out. I can take.”
He points at his chest. “Give it to me, don’t give it the women you love.”
“I never told her I love her.” My throat gets tight. “That was the one thing that kept rolling through my head when that guy pointed that gun at me,” I admit. “I never told her I love her.”
“And if you keep pushing her away–” Morgan’s voice is gentle at my back “–you’re never going to be able to. Now I know what your dad’s gonna tell you. Shut the fuck up and listen. Then you’ll get a chance to make this shit right with Ruby, and this fucker won’t win. Just give him a chance.”
I look between the two of them.
“If you still feel the need to let loose when I’m done, I’m here,” Dad says, his words strained. “I’m always here. Just give me five minutes.”
“Okay,” I agree. “What is it you need to tell me?”
“The deputies in Calvert County are familiar with him, they’ve dealt with him on numerous occasions. He’s been threatening suicide by cop for the last two months, but they’ve been able to deescalate the situation every time it’s arisen. We didn’t have that background info, man. None of us knew it, and all you knew was a man was pointing a gun at you. You did what you’re trained to do, you did what any of us would have done. If it hadn’t happened when it did, it would have happened later. He would have kept putting himself into situations that escalated to where no one had a choice. He left Calvert County knowing what he was doing.”
The admission hits me straight in the chest. It does make it easier, but it doesn’t fully erase all of my guilt. “At least I know I was never going to have a choice, but it still doesn’t change the fact I killed a man.”
“No, you weren’t, and it doesn’t,” Dad agrees. “He was going to force someone to do it, and you were that person. If you hadn’t of, who knows what he would have done to force someone. There were all those innocent people at The Café, including your mother and sister. Would you have been happier if he pulled his gun on one of them? Or God forgive, shot one of them?”
I swallow roughly, not wanting to comprehend what he’s asking me. “No, God no. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t protect them.”
“Regardless of if you want to hear it or not, you saved lives. You saved a lot of lives, and you’ll get medal for it.”
“I don’t feel like I deserve a medal.”
“You will.” Morgan claps his hand on my back. “When the shock wears off and it can all sink in, you’ll realize that what you did was heroic. You’ll realize that not many people would have acted as quickly as you did, and in acting that quickly you were a hero. No one blames you man, we just want to see you get better. We want to see you with Ruby, and happy.”
Ruby. Her name affects me unlike anything else ever has. “She hates me.”
“She doesn’t hate you,” Dad and Morgan say at the same time.
“She’s a good woman,” Dad keeps on. “She’ll forgive you, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have to work for it.”
I’ll have to get her trust back, because right now I’ve walked all over it without even thinking about how this affected her.
“For God’s sakes,” Morgan chuckles. “Tell her you love her. All of us have known how you feel about her for at least the past five months, let her in on the secret.”
I tilt my head back, my emotions getting the better of me.
“Before I leave…” Dad reaches beside him on the couch. “Here’s your gun and badge back. You’ve been cleared. Havoc said to give you a few more days off work, but if you want it, your spot is still available. Look–” he puts his hands on my face, forcing me to meet his eyes. “I know this shit’s hard. It’s never easy, but it’s important. The work we do is important, and you’ll never know how proud I am that you chose to follow in my footsteps, but if it’s not for you Caleb, there’s no shame in getting out. I’m not gonna love you any less. You’re my firstborn, my only son. Having you turned me into the person I am today, and you’re always gonna be my best friend, no matter what you do.”
Now I’m really trying to keep the emotions from getting to me. “I just want to make you proud, and I felt like what I did wasn’t honorable. Maybe I could have done something else, ended it peacefully.”
“You. Could. Not. Have. You did everything right, son.”
I sniffle slightly because this has been weighing so heavily on my heart. “Then I’ll call Havoc and let him know I’ll be back the first of next week. There’s some things I have to do. Like get Ruby back.”
“Hey,” I yell at Dad as he turns to leave. He stops, cocking his head to the side. “Thank you.”
“No problem. I love you, son.”
“Love you too.” I’m finding those words mean so much more now than they ever did.
“You got this?” Morgan asks as we watch Dad leave. “You know what you’re gonna do and shit?”
“Yeah, thanks for being here, I…” my voice trails as I try to think of some way to repay him for what he’s helped give me.
“Don’t even say it, man.” We clasp hands, hugging each other. “If anyone gets it, it’s me. Now go get your girl back.”
As they leave my apartment, I breathe for the first time since this whole situation went down. Damn it feels good to inhale and exhale without the weight of the world on your chest.
* * *
I’ve let myself have a little breakdown, allowed myself to purge all the emotions that have been so close to the surface since the day of the shooting, and I’ve come to a few realizations. I need Ruby to live my life, more than I ever imagined. She kind of makes my world go round.
And if there’s one thing I have to do, it’s show her how much she means to me. The first order of business to accomplish that is to go get something that means a lot to both of us and show up on her doorstep. There’s nothing more romantic than that. Right?
When I get there and she lets me in without a word, just steps aside and lets me enter, I know I have one chance and I better not fucking blow this. If I do, I’ll always wonder what would have happened if I wasn’t such a dumbass.