Fickle Fate
Surrendered self, unwilling.
To let go and seek the beginning.
Afraid, fate would once again collide
And break the last shreds of her pride
Vienna
“I’ve always wanted to live in England,” Jason said as the waiter left our table.
Shut up, I screamed inside, wanting Jason to stop talking, to cease discussing the future. I didn’t want to hear his plans—I wasn’t ready.
He took a sip of water. “Wouldn’t that be amazing to do together?”
Amazing? I couldn’t move to another country. Oh no, I couldn’t even fathom moving to a new apartment, and he was talking animatedly about moving to another continent, uprooting everything I’d worked so meticulously to build. Jason knew how much I hated unpredictability, how I planned every aspect of my life to avoid the anxiety that strangled me whenever something unexpected happened. And yet here we were, casually discussing a monumental change as though it were nothing.
I hoped he would meet my eyes and realize he needed to stop, but he was focused on his plate.
Just a few minutes ago we were happy.
Just a few minutes ago Jason was holding my hand and walking me into this beautiful restaurant I’d wanted to get a reservation at for the longest time.
Now I felt trapped, surrounded by the beautiful décor.
I was hanging by a thread here. Swarms of possible triggers kept swirling in my mind.
New place.
New people.
New things to learn. They didn’t even drive on the same side of the road.
I didn’t even know anyone there. How would I survive without my parents or the calm pace of my routine here?
“I love London, and I’ve heard the countryside is beautiful.”
Every syllable out of his mouth clawed at my control, riling me up even more. My fingers curled around the cutlery in my hands as I fought the burst of anxiety seeping through my blood.
His gaze met mine, and he smiled. “Let’s just move! I can get a transfer, and so can you.”
Shut up. The voice in my head got louder. My entire body shook as I fought to keep my diminishing control.
“We can get an apartment there. I bet you’ll love it.”
“Shut up!” My restraint broke, and I fell apart.
My chair crashed to the floor as I stood up, my hands shaking with fury, letting the cutlery fall. “Not another word,” I screamed.
What’s going on with me?
The world around me lulled into an uncomfortable silence as the last words of my outburst ripped through the atmosphere of the restaurant.
Every eye fell on me, as realization finally caught up.
Oh my God. What had I done?
What had come over me? This was not me. It couldn’t be. I could never…
My pulse sped up. I couldn’t breathe.
The entire restaurant was staring at me in dead silence and with judgmental contemplation.
The strap of my lilac dress slipped off my left shoulder, caressing my senses awake, prodding me to acknowledge my actions. I gulped, adjusting the strap ever so slightly, the reality of my actions closing in on me. I’d shouted at Jason, in a crowded restaurant, on our anniversary.
I instinctively reached up to my waist, brushing the embossed texture of the diamond-encrusted shooting star cufflink I’d pinned on my belt. It was a coping mechanism I’d picked up during the many therapy sessions since my accident five years ago. Feeling it in my hands had always somehow managed to keep the panic from taking over. The feel of the metal somehow transported me to a calmer state of mind.
But tonight it did nothing.
Instead, as I met Jason’s gaze, panic filled my veins. My heart broke at the pain in Jason’s eyes. Never in the past three years had I seen him so shocked.
He was breathing hard, trying in vain to hide the hurt apparent in his dusty blue eyes. The piece of bread he was about to bite into had dropped into his salad bowl, his hand frozen in midair.
My palpations sped up as my mind shut down; this wasn’t happening, it couldn’t.
I couldn’t wrap my head around it.
No way could I have ever yelled at Jason, my supportive and loving fiancé. I never shouted, we never fought, this wasn’t right. I tried to reason with the reality.
The murmurs around me picked up, breaking my weak excuses, locking my eyes with Jason’s once again.
Say something, my heart pled.
Apologize, it cried.
Please, Vienna, at least react.
My heart pushed me ahead, but I couldn’t find my voice. I was stuck; his stunned gaze arrested my attention and froze me to the spot.
A million memories rushed forward.
The first time he’d smiled at me, our first date, when he’d proposed, the day we’d moved in together. Memory after memory rushed in, taunting me for what I’d done to such a beautiful person.
None of these memories were stained; none of them had been tainted by my failure to control my emotions.
I’d always been in control.
I always carefully weighed what I said, and I never reacted on impulse.
The walls started to close in. I couldn’t be here. I needed to get out.
I needed to run.
Sorry left my lips as I stepped back from Jason and ran out of the restaurant.
He called my name, and it echoed in my mind as I ran past the kitchen, pushing the door marked Exit into the back alley, not caring that the San Francisco wind was as cold as my fate that had ruined a perfectly enjoyable evening. I felt naked in my sheer chiffon dress as I ran into the darkness. My teeth chattered, and I dug my nails into my bare biceps, trying to curb the chills that grazed my skin, but I didn’t stop. I continued running into the dark fog, uncaring of the assault my heels were causing on my feet, as I stepped on the uneven gravel path of an abandoned alley.
Go back. I went farther and farther away from the restaurant into the darkness. It was stupid to keep running, but I couldn’t face him. I was mortified by my outburst.
Old emotions tried to grab my hands and pull me into their world.
Images of happier times, memories of my family and Jason bombarded my already chaotic mind, but I resisted their pull.
How could I ever face him again? What would I say? ‘Sorry for screaming in your face when you were discussing our future?’
I’d never acted like this with him.
I didn’t know how he would react. And that scared me.
Would he understand, or would he hate me for embarrassing him in public?
The distant sirens and honks failed to distract me from my misery as I kept walking into nowhere, wrapped up in my turmoil.
I continued until I lost the sense of my existence. I ran until I became nothing more than a silhouette fading into the darkness. My insecurities pulled out the seat and asked me to join them. Unable to fight, I gave in to their invitation. I gave up and drowned.
My footsteps faltered.
My breath hitched and hiccupped.
Unexpected tears started to wash off my rare attempt at makeup.
I didn’t care; I was drowning, and I didn’t want to swim. I didn’t want to fight anymore.
My skin crawled with goosebumps as the wind brushed past.
I leaned on a fractured wall, welcoming its roughness against my exposed back, uncaring of my surroundings and what lurked in the darkness. I crumbled to the ground and surrendered.
My anxiety, growing over the past few days, resurfaced. A lot was changing in my life. Marriage, Jason’s desire to relocate, my parents thought of selling my childhood home, and the pressure of work were all starting to eat at my compulsive need for control. Moment by moment, I recalled the rise of my locked-up emotions as I wept and shivered in the dark. My words and my reasons became clearer, connecting the dots and drawing a vivid image of my public breakdown.
How blatantly I’d insulted Jason for being excited about our future. I clawed at the wall, punishing myself for my misdemeanor. I had no right to snap at Jason, I had no reason to resist his desires for us and our future. I should’ve been more accepting, more flexible of the changes that were bound to come my way. Running away from them wasn’t the answer, and yet here I was, all alone, running from everything, running from my future and a chance at a happy life with Jason.
The moment stretched around me, wrapping me in growing misery. Something wasn’t right; I could feel it in my bones, this moment, and this outburst was the start of something big, something catastrophic, and it was gnawing at my soul.
“Ah, Andrew, yes, right there. Yes.” A girl’s loud moan disintegrated my self-loathing reverie.
My grip on the broken brick of the tattered wall loosened as I opened my teary eyes.
“Yes, Andrew, you’re killing me.” Her voiced echoed in the distance.
“Ah, Jody, you’re so tight. Damn, girl. Fuck,” a man growled, making me come to my senses, only to leave me frozen to the spot.
The girl’s moans grew.
The barrels around them dropped, making a loud noise, but not loud enough to drown the moans of her passion.
My ears throbbed with their cries.
A distant memory knocked.
Something forgotten erupted.
My senses locked, and my body moved of its own accord.
I stood tall, no longer leaning from despair. I forgot my turmoil and walked toward the voices that were awakening a longing I hadn’t known I’d harbored.
The darkness didn’t deter me.
“Faster, Andrew, come on. I’m close. I’m so close. You’re too good. Faster, Andrew, faster,” the girl begged.
I followed her voice.
“Yes, Jody. Say my name…yes. I like how you move. Damn, girl, you’re so wet. I don’t think I can last much longer. Argh. You’re killing me. Your pussy is so damn fucking tight… Fuck.”
I turned right, my heart in my throat, my body tingling with sensations that were new but too familiar.
The voices became clearer.
I could now hear the faint sounds of bodies colliding, the erratic breaths, and the electric hum of the air around me.
Why was I so curious? It was a private moment between two people, and it wasn’t right for me to spy. But somehow, the pull of a yesterday I’d forgotten, a long-gone moment in time, pushed me to venture further.
My feet crushed the gravel on the road as I made my way to the last turn, sure that was where the lovers were.
A faint light bathed the corner. Stray boxes and barrels lay around. A big dumpster blocked a door behind it—the back door to a restaurant maybe.
My still-wet eyes narrowed in on the couple, a dark silhouette of two tangled bodies in the window, moving in symphony. I caressed the wall on my side as I leaned in to get a better look more unobstructed view.
“Yes, yes. Oh my God. I’m going to come. Oh God, yes.” The girl’s voice filled the silent air.
A strong surge of déjà vu hit me as I stared at the couple, knocking the breath out of me. I stumbled back, involuntarily reaching up to my heart, a lost memory kidnapping my senses.
Her gray dress hung around her waist; her exposed breasts shook violently as he plunged into her, again, and again, and again. Her feet dug into his tight, firm ass, squeezing him in, wanting more.
He grabbed the blond strands of her sweaty hair and pulled back her head, kissing the exposed skin of her neck.
She moaned.
He growled.
His movements became more violent with every plea she made.
She seemed to like what he was doing. “More, I want more,” she begged, her body swaying with his thrusts. “I want it harder. Fuck me hard. Fuck me like I’m a bad girl.”
I was outside looking in, my view obstructed by the foliage in the greenhouse I’d been walking past when the sounds made me stop.
“Shut up,” he growled.
I couldn’t see his face—he was facing away from me—but his voice was thick, and full of power and passion. It held authority. It had the ability to control. “Shut up, and let me fuck you.”
I gasped as his voice reached my ears, running down my body and making me shiver. I’d never experienced anything like this before. The animalistic way he possessed her, his grunts and growls, shot straight to my core.
Desire seized me as I reeled from the phantom ache rising between my legs.
I stood there, rooted, unable to look away, my gaze trapped in the moment.
An involuntarily moan escaped my lips as he bent his head to her chest, kissing her, nipping her.
“You’re a fucking God,” the girl screamed in response.
“I think I’m going to come. Oh my God, I’m going to come. Come on, fuck me harder.”
“I said shut up.” His growl sent a bolt through my body, exploding tiny, potent shards of sensation between my legs, making me wet.
It was a sensation I’d never before experienced in the seventeen years of my life.
My hand timidly grazed my breasts; a shy moan escaped my parted lips.
He did something to me.
Other than his exposed ass and a white shirt sticking to his sweaty, muscled back, I couldn’t see any of him. And yet he’d entrapped me in his spell.
“Please. I beg you, please.” The blond grabbed his full head of golden brown hair and pulled his mouth to hers, kissing him with an insatiable hunger. “Free me from my misery. Please, fuck me hard so I can come.”
She stole the words out of my mouth as I stood there, experiencing an out-of-body moment myself.
“If you say so,” he murmured, stilling for a second as he turned his head straight to face the glass in front of him. It felt like he knew I was there, like he was looking at me when he spoke. But he broke that illusion as he looked at the girl in his arms and kissed her neck. “Hang on,” he growled between the kisses. “I’m going to really fuck you now.”
I stumbled over his words.
My body set on fire.
My hands stopped, my eyes locked on him, and I just stood there, watching him fuck that girl into oblivion.
She moaned as he rammed into her.
Her moans became shouts…
His movements became barbaric.
“Say my name,” he demanded. “Say it when you come.”
“Ah… Ki—”
“Vienna,” a familiar voice called.
My mind screamed.
The déjà vu shattered.
Reality seeped in.
I came back to the present, in the dark alley, standing on the corner, eavesdropping on a midnight liaison.
I blinked and turned around.
Jason stood in front of me, his eyes filled with worry, his chest heaving as if he’d been running.
Before I could react, he took me in for a hug. “I’m so glad you’re okay.” He spoke with concern. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere. You scared the crap out of me.
“I…” I couldn’t speak, shivering with the memory I’d just been ensnared by.
Jason shook his head. “Come on, let’s just go home. Everything will be all right.” He grabbed my hand and guided me back to our car.