I walk home, my feet slapping against the pavement as I chalk up one more shitty week. It’s been exactly eight days since I kissed Holden.

Eight days since Chloe has spoken to me.

Seven days since Vincent was suspended and the school exploded with gossip and speculation over whether he did it or was set up.

I don’t care either way.

Like I have brainpower to spare thinking about Vincent. I’m too busy obsessing over Holden…or at least trying not to obsess over Holden, but failing every time. Avoiding him is all I can do, but it’s so damn hard.

Every time we see each other he looks at me like he’s desperate to talk, but I just can’t go there. I don’t trust myself around him.

It sucks.

I’m not enjoying life right now, but I don’t know how to fix it. No matter what happens, someone is going to get hurt. People are already hurt!

Dad sat me down last night and tried to find out what was going on, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him what I’d done. I’m the mature, responsible one—supposedly. It’s up to me to look after my sisters. He’s always told me that. And I’ve let one of them down.

In the end I managed to murmur out a story about all of us struggling with school and how the big change is taking some adjustment. That just made Dad go really quiet and sullen. Our conversation kind of ended after that and I was once again left alone to stew.

Max is being evasive for some weird reason, but I don’t want to push her because I’m very aware she’s the meat between Chloe and me right now.

I’ve tried and failed to talk to Chloe every morning and evening since I betrayed her.

She’s not interested.

I should have known better. She can be quietly stubborn when she wants to be and she’s gonna make me suffer. Although, she’s not the vindictive type. Which means I must have hurt her so bad that she’s still not ready to be around me.

Oh, that’s worse! That’s so much worse.

My mind starts conjuring another apology note, trying to find new things to say that I haven’t mentioned in the last ten I’ve sent her.

Max tells me I should just drop it and give Chloe time to come to me on her own. But she doesn’t get it. She’s not the one getting cold-shouldered and glared at.

If anything, Max and Chloe have drawn closer through this. I haven’t put up a fight because Chloe needs a friend right now, and I don’t deserve any kind of sympathy after the way I behaved.

My eyes burn as I near the house, wondering how much longer I can keep going like this.

Pausing outside the front door, I draw in a breath, ready to put my game face on. Mom’s not in the best place right now, and I’ve never really confided in her before. It seems weird to start doing it now, so I’m just trying to be the strong Maddie she knows and loves.

“Hey, Mom.” I force a bright smile the minute I see her.

She’s sitting at the dining table, slowly shredding a balled-up tissue.

“You okay?” I rest my bag against the wall.

“I’m fine.” She snickers. “I just kind of hate this place sometimes.”

I know how you feel.

I rub my hands down my pants and give her a sympathetic smile. “Still no luck on the job front, huh?”

Closing her eyes, she huffs and throws her hands in the air. “I’m going out of my mind! I’m so used to being busy, and it’s this weird kind of torture being stuck here in this crappy house. Chloe’s miserable. You’ve been unhappy. I just… I want to go home.”

I bite my lip, wondering if I should fess up about why Chloe’s so miserable. But I chicken out, instead stuttering, “Are—are you mad with Dad for making us move?”

“No.” She sighs. “He didn’t make me do anything. Thing is, I…” She purses her lips. “I was laid off just after he got the offer to move here.”

“What?” I whisper.

“Yeah.” She lets out a harsh snicker. “The company was restructuring and uh, they didn’t need me anymore. They offered me a great severance package, but it only goes so far, you know? Truth is, I don’t think I could have supported your dad to move out here if it hadn’t been for…” She shakes her head and shrugs. “I want to support my husband. This is a great opportunity for him, and it’s important that we stay together as a family. So it’s good, you know, that I lost my job, because I don’t think I could have left otherwise. Sometimes life just forces you into situations that…” She sniffs and wipes her nose with the disintegrating tissue before waving her hand in front of her face. “You know, I shouldn’t really be talking to you about this. It’s not your problem, sweetie.” Pulling her shoulders back, she dabs her eyes and forces a smile. “Why don’t you go find your sisters and we’ll get ready for this dinner. Okay?”

I frown. “What dinner?”

“We’re going out as a family. Your father will be home in about forty-five minutes. He wants us ready to go.”

A family dinner? In public?

Kill me now.

I give Mom an awkward smile and slowly collect my bag off the floor. Well, this is going to be awful.

As if family meals haven’t been hard enough lately. The last few nights, Mom’s simply given up and we’ve ended up eating in front of the TV. It’s weird, and very un-Barlow.

But Dad’s busy at work, often getting home after we’ve eaten.

He’s tired and harried just the way Mom is, so it’s been easier to just live together without living together.

The only good thing about it is that our parents have remained clueless on the me-kissing-Holden thing.

Shoving my hands in my pockets, I shuffle down the hallway, prepping myself to knock on Chloe’s door. At least I’ll be able to say the message is from Mom. Chloe might actually let me complete a sentence without cutting me off if I start with that.

I slow to a stop outside her door. It’s ajar and music is wafting into the hallway.

“Chloe” by Emblem3.

My heart sinks as I peer through the gap and watch Max dancing around Chloe’s room using a baseball bat like a microphone and then a guitar. Her hair is flying as she puts on a show for her little sister. Chloe’s sitting on her bed, smiling and laughing. I don’t miss how puffy her eyes are, though.

I bet Max found her crying and is doing what she can to cheer her up.

Too bad she picked this song.

I’m not the girl who turns everyone on.

But I am the girl Holden wants.

Dammit.

This always happens to poor Chloe. She falls for the guys who aren’t interested in her. And then the guys who are, she’s not that into. I know the perfect guy is out there for her somewhere. I just wish she didn’t think it was Holden.

A deep sadness pools in my chest.

It’s heavy and painful.

Rubbing my forehead, I make my way to the bathroom. Mom can deliver her own message about dinner.

Locking the door behind me, I turn the shower on and strip off my clothes.

Tears are building as my lips tremble. I hate crying. I hardly ever give in to it, but right now I want to bawl like a baby.

Stepping under the hot spray, I let the water blast my hair and trickle down my face. It can wash away the tears as they fall, and maybe no one will ever know that I cried.

Because how do I explain my tears?

Some of them belong to Chloe, a few are for Mom and her miserable confession, while another big chunk belong to a guy who turned out to be something I didn’t expect…and managed to steal my heart in the process.