Cassie - 10

Ugh… Why the hell do I feel so sore all over?

I reach over to the nightstand for my cell phone as my alarm continues to go off to notify me that it's time to get ready for work. But when I turn off the alarm and sit up for a stretch, I begin to slowly realize that the bed that I've been sleeping so comfortably in isn't mine. In fact, the bedroom doesn't even look familiar to me in any way. It's only when I notice the sheer size of the room itself that I come to understand where I am exactly. This has to be Noah's master bedroom which means that this also has to be Noah's bed.

My heart sinks to my stomach as I immediately turn to my left and find the other side of the bed completely cold and empty. Although I'm fairly certain that Noah and I shared this bed together after a strange night of events, it seems that his warm presence has been gone for a while. I dive back down under the covers and kick my feet back and forth in disbelief of the situation. There's a strong and tightening feeling within my chest when I recall the intimate moments that were shared between us last night.

A huge wave of crippling embarrassment sweeps through me when I seriously think about the repercussions of my loose actions. Noah has seen and felt every inch of my intimate body, and his hands have touched me in places that no one, not even myself, has touched before. I can't help the bashful sensation that I feel around my cheeks because my behavior was less than modest last night. And the worst part about this unexpected sexual affair is that I can't even avoid the man who took my virginity because he's my boss.

How am I even going to show my face to him tonight?

And what does this whole awkward situation mean for our relationship now?

My head is spinning and being overrun by tons of unanswered questions. Despite the amazing night that was filled with endless pleasure and total ecstasy, I'm starting to wonder if I made the right choice in giving into my desires. But I can't pitifully lay in bed and dwell on what already happened forever. I can only move forward and see what future waits for me ahead.

I quickly jump out of bed and head to the shower so that I can clean off the accumulated sweat and natural scent of Noah's body off of me. Yet soaping my neck and my breasts feel a little strange when these are all parts of my body that Noah was intimately touching and kissing last night. There's a bit of a disconnect between the me who was still a virgin just a few hours ago and the me who lost her virginity in a one-night stand to her boss. But I shake the lewd thoughts out of my head and finish up the rest of my shower. Now isn't the time to fantasize about these things when I have a job to do.

A sudden guilty sensation rises in my chest when I start to surreptitiously tiptoe down the stairs in hopes that Taylor isn't already awake. The young girl has previously shown me her contempt and displeasure for her father's girlfriends and while I'm not at that point yet, it still feels like a big betrayal for me to have done this to her. I know how much she admires and trusts me, and the last thing I want to do is break her heart by stealing her father away from her and her mother. Even though I might be developing some sort of pointless romantic feelings toward Noah, I'll ignore them and pretend that they don't exist.

I don't want to give Taylor another reason to be sad.

"Oh! You're already here, Cassie?" the familiar childlike voice innocently asks as I take my final step down the staircase to the first floor.

Taylor. A sudden chill runs down my spine as I stop in my tracks. The hairs on my neck instantly stand on its ends upon hearing the young and gentle voice speak out to me. I hesitantly turn around to meet the young speaker who has a big smile on her face.

"Yeah, I actually stayed the night. Your dad and I had a long talk last night, and he told me just to stay over because it was late," I lie with a stiff smile.

The happy expression on Taylor's face swiftly changes into a frightened one. "Did you get in trouble with him because of me?" she fearfully asks. There's a heavy look of remorse in her large brown eyes which makes me feel even more guilty than before.

"No, sweetheart. We just had some grown-up things to talk about, that's all." The lie comes out of my mouth so naturally this time that it's a little scary. I almost don't feel the weight of my sin hanging over my shoulders.

But luckily for me, Taylor's attention is quickly taken away by the lavish breakfast meal being set up in the dining room. She runs over to the maids and butlers who are wheeling out the various trays and dishes of gourmet food, her eyes and interest particularly drawn to the dessert cart. Normally, I would smile and laugh at her endearing behavior before joining in with her to ogle at rest of the delicious meals prepared by the chefs, but I don't have the mindset to do so right now. Not when the world looks and feels a little different today.

"Cassie, let's eat!" Taylor exclaims as she jumps up and down in excitement. "Hurry!"

Laughter pours from my voice after seeing the eagerness of her appetite. "Okay, okay! I'm coming."

My legs begin to move toward the dining room at a slow yet pensive pace. I can't quite put my finger on what this strange and tranquil sensation is stirring inside of me, but it definitely feels a bit brighter for some reason when I look at my surroundings. It's almost as if something has changed within me over night -- like another layer of the world has suddenly been opened up to me. Yet in spite of the gentle and calming feeling that's wrapped around my heart, I can't help but feel a little uneasy from its presence.

Maybe it's just me being paranoid, but the air seems a little ominous with how perfect life is right now. I have a wonderful high-paying job taking care of a bright and courteous little girl who makes everyday enjoyable and fun for me, and I also just had the time of my life last night with a man whom I never thought ever would look my way. All of my basic needs are beyond fulfilled, and I'm definitely more than happy to be living the way I currently am. The only problem is that it feels like this bubble of joy and perfection might burst at any given moment, a moment that I don't know if I'll be emotionally ready for.

Even as I smile and interact with Taylor while we have our breakfast, the unsettling thought of everything falling apart before my very eyes quietly continues to linger in the back of my mind. I can't completely get the feeling out of my chest. Not when I know how fragile my circumstances are.

I just earnestly hope my premonition is wrong and that I'm simply over thinking it.

***

Taylor darts out of her seat and out of the room as soon as she hears the slightest bit of sound coming from the front door. Even after weeks of working with her, I'm still not used to swiftness in which she picks up the particular sounds of her father's arrival back home. It's almost like the young child can sense his return because she always rushes to the doorway before Noah can even make a step into the house.

"Daddy!" Taylor grins as she throws her embrace around his waist. Despite Noah's weak and quiet protests for her to give him a little space to get comfortable, she adamantly clings onto his body with a huge and innocent smile.

I watch the father and daughter share a heartwarming moment from the sidelines as my heart tenderly dances and flutters. Nothing warms my chest more than to see Taylor and Noah rejoice in one another's presence and company. The appearance of Noah's charming smile and gentle green gaze is an image that constantly tugs at my heartstrings. Seeing him fills me with an inexplicable joy, a happiness that I have come to understand as love.

But a bittersweet sensation replaces the raw and pure emotions in my heart when I realize how improper it is to hold this fondness toward Noah. I want to tell and force my eyes to avert themselves from the intimate scene, however, it's too late. Those intense yet lovely green eyes have already caught sight of me staring at him, and I have no choice but to address them like I usually do.

"Welcome home, Mr. Bishop," I say with a small smile.

"Thank you," Noah plainly replies as he keeps his blank stare on me.

My heart wavers from the silence that follows his seemingly cold and inexpressive green eyes. I can tell from the tense atmosphere created by his lack of conversation that the same exact thought is weighing down heavily in both of our minds. After all, how can what happened between us not be on our minds once we see each other like this? It's our first time facing one another after that passionate night which we haven't yet gotten the chance to speak about it.

"Cassie, do you mind stopping by my study again before you leave for the rest of the night? There are some things that I want to talk to you about," the man says in an expressionless tone that matches his face.

Taylor softly lets out a gasp. "Is Cassie in trouble?"

"No, she's not in trouble. Not at all," Noah lightly chuckles. However, I can sense some sort of uncertainty in the sound of his laughter, like he's holding back on how he truly feels.

"Yeah, I can stop by," I answer with a nod of my head.

Even though I respond to Noah's request as coolly as possible, the cold sweat building up within my palms tells a very different story. I can feel my heart loudly pounding against my chest while my mind questions his intentions. There's no telling what he has to say to me and that's the part which scares me the most about this ominous meeting. I know that I have huge expectations that might not be fulfilled by him, yet at the same time, I can't prevent myself from dreaming of it. It's impossible to control what my heart truly wants and desires -- even if those desires are just a pipe dream.

And with those burning desires tucked away in my heart, I head upstairs to the room where it all started. The room where my hopes and wishes came into fruition. The room where Noah was waiting for me.

"You know, we really should stop meeting here like this. Taylor might suspect something sooner or later if this keeps happening. She's a lot more intuitive than she looks and acts," I joke with a rough smile that falls on deaf ears. The stiff comment was meant to ease the tension in the atmosphere, but seeing Noah neither laugh nor smile at my silly remark tells me that my plan has backfired. In fact, I think my joke and behavior may have made the situation even more awkward than it already is.

My poor attempt at bantering adds another heavy regret to my chest as Noah maintains his silence and distance from me. He's been seated at his desk instead of the couch before I even stepped through the door, his hand propped underneath his chin as if he were troubled by something. What's left of my confidence and strength to stand tall in front of him is slowly being eaten away by the brutal silence. I have no idea what else I should say to him because I'm still struggling to accept the raw intimacy that was shared between us without feeling embarrassed about it.

The pressure of filling in the void of silence gets to me so much that I involuntarily jump up in surprise when Noah unexpectedly gets out of his seat. "I think you're misunderstanding something, Cassie. I actually have no intention of calling you here anymore after tonight," he grimly states as he lifts his eyes toward me. The expression in his green gaze is filled with an utmost pain and regret. "What happened between us last night, that was a huge mistake on my part. I shouldn't have let it happen. I shouldn't have done it."

"Well, it's not entirely your fault. I wanted it too. We both wanted it," I argue.

But Noah simply shakes his head in response, and a sinking feeling immediately surfaces within my stomach. One of the worst feelings in the world is to speak out loud with assurance and confidence only to be proven wrong within a few seconds. It doesn't help that the distraught look on his face as he rejects my confident assertion makes me feel like my whole world is about to start crumbling down from every possible corner. I just feel absolutely crushed and defeated by his rejection. I can already feel the phantom lump forming inside my throat, the stifling discomfort preventing me from saying any more.

"Unfortunately, that's not the point, Cassie. The point is that I shouldn't have done it even if you wanted it. You are my daughter's nanny, and you are also still so young and new to the adult world. What we did shouldn't have happened at all. I know it's no excuse, but it was a poor lapse of judgment on my part, and I have deeply regretted it ever since," Noah confesses while he lowers his head in remorse. It's only after a brief moment of silence that he lifts his face again to meet my eyes. "I'm extremely sorry, but I must let you know that I cannot return any feelings that you might have developed for me."

A slow and deep exhale slowly parts from my lips after hearing Noah's official stance on where I stand in his eyes. I finally get to hear his true thoughts and feelings from his own mouth instead of the ones fabricated by my own mind. In all honesty, I thought I would feel a lot more devastated from the way he called our one-time sexual encounter a mistake, but all I actually feel is a load of emptiness being unraveled within my chest. There are no tears pouring from my eyes and no fiery lash of emotions coming out from my voice or actions. I simply feel nothing as though my insides have been painlessly removed and hollowed out with a knife.

"So that moment meant absolutely nothing to you? Not even a little bit?" I ask in a slightly pathetic yet hopeful tone of voice as if his answer might suddenly change. But the man just shakes his head again.

"It was just sex to me," Noah callously admits without his voice ever wavering. "Which is also why I'll understand if you want to quit because of this."

"I won't quit."

The sound of my words come out faster than I can even have a moment to properly think about them. My rapid reply follows through almost like a natural reflex to the question, the answer seamlessly flowing through my lips without error. An aura of certainty rises from my chest for the first time. Having voiced those three little words is the most confident I've felt since Noah broke my spirit by telling me that what we did in the heat of the moment was just a mistake. These are words that I can stand by. These are words that I can defend.

"Please allow me to continue working with Taylor. I promise I won't let this mistake affect my performance or my behavior. If you're not satisfied with the work that I'm doing, then you can go ahead and fire me. But I won't be the one to quit," I firmly declare.

However, there's nothing but silence on Noah's end after I make my stance clear to him. He just seems taken aback by my insistence to continue working with Taylor judging from the slightly confused look on his face. But he eventually releases a defeated sigh from his lips and reluctantly obliges, "Okay. If that's what you really want, then we can do that."

I nod my head and then point my thumb toward the door. "If that's all we had to talk about, then I should probably get going if I want to catch the next bus home," I weakly smile. My body and legs couldn't have turned around any faster than they did, but the sudden sound of Noah calling my name brings an immediate pause to my exit: "Cassie."

A bittersweet feeling swells in my chest from the sound of his clear and gentle voice speaking my name. Even though it pains me to stay in this room any longer than I would like to be in it, I turn around and face Noah with all of what's left of my shaky courage. Those dazzling green eyes which once filled me with warmth and excitement now bring discord and sorrow to my heart. But I quietly bear the pain and hide the damage that's been done to me.

"Yes?" I ask.

There's a long pause of silence from Noah before he continues, "Don't feel obligated to work for the sake of me or for the sake of Taylor. You can always leave if it gets too difficult to handle. Don't push yourself too hard."

A slight smile spreads across my lips. "Thank you for your concern, but I'm sure that I'll be fine. Have a good night, Mr. Bishop. I'll be here at the same time tomorrow morning."

"All right. Take care, Cassie."

I turn back toward the door after hearing Noah's parting words, except this time, he doesn't stop me when my hand twists the doorknob open to leave. He's letting me go just like that. My footsteps begin to carry me out of the room and into the hallway as if nothing of significance has happened within the last few minutes, my natural instincts guiding me down the staircase and toward the front door so that I can leave. Yet it's only when I finally step outside of the large residence and feel the fresh and cool air enter my lungs that my emotions break loose almost instantly.

The overwhelming feeling of grief and heartache is something that I cannot hold back forever. Especially when that uncontrollable sensation is bursting out and looking for an outlet to release its emotional burden.

First, the tears well up within my eyes and blur my vision so that I can't see. Then, the droplets start to involuntarily trail down my cheeks as I desperately struggle to stifle the cries that pierce through the silent night. But hiding under the cloak of shadows bestowed by the moon's appearance only further exacerbates my weak and pathetic condition. Nighttime always seems to bring out the worst emotions in me because of the underlying loneliness that follows the tranquil darkness.

The worst part of it all is that I can't stop crying even if I wanted to.

It just seems like there's no end to the immense pain that's crippling my heart.

Every gasp and wheeze of my breath as I hysterically weep to myself is becoming more and more difficult to accomplish and endure. Suffocating. It's suffocating to take a breath without feeling like I'm drowning. I never realized how hard and excruciating it could be to do something as simple as breathing when I'm all choked up and beaten down.

When? When was the last time that I cried this hard to the point where I couldn't breathe or get a hold of myself? I can't remember at all, but the thought of a me who wasn't a sobbing mess at one point in time only makes me cry even harder than before. I know that I'm stronger than this, stronger than this ridiculous crush that has somehow broken me into pieces. I keep telling myself that this emotional turmoil will pass in due time, yet the sorrow and pain continue to devour me until the strength in my body gives out.

My tears keep on falling down my cheeks while I tightly clench my fist and pound it against my chest. But no amount of frustrated pounding can ease the ache and suffering that's deeply embedded inside my heart. It's unfair to be the only one in this much agony due to my naïve hopes and desires. I hate that I'm showing so much weakness over one man, and I hate that the reason behind it is because I'm only human. Though, it's also because I'm human that I know these invisible wounds which hurt so much right now are only temporary.

So I'll cry my damn heart out tonight because tomorrow is another day. I'll let out every last drop of my grief-filled tears and come back as a stronger woman than I was before. I won't allow this memory to haunt me forever because always looking backwards won't ever help me in moving forward. I can't change the decisions that I've already made, but what I can do is learn to gradually accept them.

Sure, I definitely feel like an idiot for giving away my virginity to a cold and callous man like Noah in the heat of the moment. But at the time I made that choice and decision to give myself to him, it felt like the stars were aligned. I'll probably remember that precious feeling forever, that sudden sensation which came over me and urged me to take the plunge into his embrace. Knowing that my heart's desires were fulfilled and satisfied in that fleeting moment gives me a small bit of comfort.

I lift my hands up and wipe away the remaining wet tears that are still running down my face. Although the pain isn't completely gone within my chest, at least I'm not sobbing as hard as I was anymore. The worst part of my emotional breakdown is over with. And with the teardrops out of my eyes, I can now see the bright moon shining above me and everything else that's standing in front of me.

I can see the small road of the future ahead.