Cassie - 12

Another disgusting chuckle bursts out from Chase's throat as he stares at his cell phone in amusement. I naturally roll my eyes at his loud and obnoxious laughter. He's been looking at his phone all morning which I assume to be because he's been chatting and flirting with many different women in hopes of hooking up with them. There's no filter to his shameless behavior, especially when he makes an unnecessary comment out loud about the kind of provocative images these women are sending to him. I can't recall how many times he's mentioned in detail to me about their perfect breasts or their huge asses within the past hour.

I can only shake my head and wonder what women see in Chase. He's shallow, proud, reckless, and a bit of a moron, yet he still manages to convince attractive ladies to sleep with him. It's baffling to me that sex comes so easy to him when his only redeeming qualities are his face and his body. But I suppose those particular features are all he really needs to get what he wants.

Even though I don't fully approve of Chase's gross behavior, a light bulb goes off in my head when I think about his frivolous sexual endeavors. He's definitely more experienced in that area of life compared to me which means he can give me some insight from a male perspective.

"Hey, Chase…" I start to speak as I take a seat right next to him on the couch. He gives me a mumbled response of acknowledgement while he continues to text on his phone. "Is it crazy to fall in love with someone after sleeping with them once? I mean, why would a guy have sex with a girl and then tell her he's not interested the next day? What are your thoughts on that?" I cautiously yet curiously ask.

My question brings a sudden pause to his actions. "What, did you fuck your boss or something?" Chase scoffs which is then followed by a bit of laughter. He looks at me from the corner of his eyes and raises his brow at me. He knows there's no way in hell that I would admit it to him, even if it was the truth.

"What? Why the hell would you say that?" I stammer. My cheeks begin to flush and warm on both sides.

"Because we both know your social life is non-existent, and all you do is go to work and come home. There's no way you have any spare time to interact with men, especially since you're babysitting Taylor practically every single day. The only man who you could possibly be talking about is your boss and even considering him as a possibility is a bit of a stretch with your situation."

Chase eyes me from top to bottom with a very judgmental and disapproving look on his face which forces me to instinctively shove him in the arm. However, my bitter reaction to his rude tone and gesture only succeeds in making him laugh even more. I irritably cross my arms in front of my chest and maintain my silence while he continues to give me that snide look as if he's gotten everything figured out. Although Chase isn't wrong about what he said, it's still aggravating and annoying to listen to him talk.

"Look, you don't have to feel embarrassed. I don't even blame you, Cass. The dude is one good-looking man, and I'd be all over him too if I was a chick," Chase openly admits with a loose shrug. "But for a rich and handsome guy to want to have sex with you, you were definitely just a piece of ass to him. Definitely."

My heart immediately begins to sink once I hear those stinging yet blunt words from Chase's mouth. Now that I'm hearing it from someone else, I realize that I've just been in denial about what happened this whole time. I was just a warm body for Noah to hold, a warm body used to satisfy his sexual desires and pleasures. It's a truth that I didn't want to accept out of stubbornness, but one that I desperately needed to hear.

"Is it really that easy for a man to have sex with a woman without any attachments?" I quietly say.

Chase nods his head as if it were a well-known fact. "Yeah. Besides, why would a man like him seriously go for a girl like you if it wasn't just for some quick sex? He can have almost any woman in the world, and he chooses you? I feel like I must be missing something here if that isn't the case."

I angrily roll my eyes and then glare at him. There's no end to his ruthlessness when it comes to my unusual situation. Everything that he's been mentioning and bringing up hasn't been too far off the mark or wrong. There's a sort of painful truth hidden behind his crude words. It's just his insufferable way of speaking which undoubtedly makes my blood boil and my muscles tense up in frustration.

A defeated sigh escapes me as I accept the grim reality of my circumstances. "You know, I really want to tell you to fuck off, but you're right. The last woman I saw him with was definitely some kind of a supermodel. I would definitely look like an average nobody standing next to her," I miserably admit.

"See?" A slight frown forms on his lips after he makes his cold yet brief remark. He unexpectedly throws his arm around my shoulder and pulls me in for a hug. "Don't get too torn over it, though. At least you can proudly say you aren't a virgin anymore," Chase smirks. He jumps off of the couch and runs into the spare bedroom before I can land my clenched fist on him.

"Screw you, Chase!" I shout from the living room as I hear him loudly chuckling from behind the closed door.

But I give in to my grief and exhaustion when I realize that he isn't going to change his childish ways. I should have known that it was a bad idea to let him stay over in the first place in spite of him going out of his way to come to my rescue last night. He always makes it a mission to drive me insane whenever he visits. And even though my foot still hurts a little bit, I'd rather tolerate the physical pain than listen to Chase audibly express his desires for the women he's exchanging flirtatious messages with.

God forbid I have to listen to him rate and criticize these women until he decides to leave the house because he finds one of them worth pursuing. I'd rather excuse myself while I'm ahead.

And seeing as how I can't spare myself from the heartache of the truth behind what happened with Noah, I can at least try and spare myself from the headache of Chase's miserable company. I get up from the couch and throw on a jacket while the sound of obnoxious laughter trails out from behind the closed bedroom door. There's a dull ache trapped within my ankle each time I walk forward, but I head out of the front door regardless of the pain. It seems that my heart is set on going to work today, even if I've been given permission to take the day off.

After consistently showing up for work every single day since I got the job, taking a personal day just doesn't sit right with me. My mind keeps on wondering how Taylor is coping without me by her side, my restless arms and legs itching for something to do. There's only one answer to resolve my situation and problems -- I need to go to work.

***

I'm greeted by a frozen and baffled expression as soon as I walk through the front door of the Bishop household. The green-eyed man stares at my appearance with his steaming coffee mug in his hand as though he had just grabbed himself another cup of it from the kitchen.

"Cassie? What are you doing here?" Noah questions with confusion written all over his face.

He doesn't seem exactly pleased to see me at all.

"Uh, I couldn't sit still at home. I was getting pretty bored and restless just doing nothing all morning, so I thought it might be better to come in and do some work," I reluctantly chuckle and shrug. But the vexed look on Noah's face doesn't change which forces me to awkwardly change the subject instead. "So, why aren't you at work today, Mr. Bishop? It's a little unusual to see you at home this late during the day."

"I took the day off because I didn't want to leave Taylor at home by herself on such a short notice. But I have to leave if something urgent comes up."

"Oh! If that's the case, you can just go to work. My ankle is in pretty good condition. I can probably watch over Taylor for the rest of the day, so you don't have to worry," I state with a big smile that urges him to leave and do what needs to be done for his company.

Yet my mindful proposal appears to fall on deaf ears as Noah's expression grows grim. I can see him lightly scoff and mutter something underneath his breath while he slowly shakes his head back and forth in dismay. An unsettling feeling begins to bud and spread in my chest from the look of exasperation briefly displayed in his green eyes which happen to intently glower at me. Even though he hasn't said anything yet, it doesn't take much to realize that he's getting visibly irritated with me for reasons which I can't seem to quickly figure out.

My heart noisily pounds against my chest in the tense silence. I try to swallow down the anxiety that's swelling up within my throat, but the large lump remains situated at the end of it. I can't help but wonder and worry if Noah's displeasure happens to stem from the rude presentation and introduction that came out of Chase's big mouth last night. My entire body physically cringes and recoils thinking about the overly casual manner in which Chase decided to greet Noah.

That embarrassingly painful moment is a bad dream that I want to forget ever happened. Especially when the secondhand embarrassment of Chase's shameless conduct still vividly stings in my chest.

With the tension of his unyielding gaze weighing down on me, I attempt to gather the courage to apologize for Chase's behavior when Noah suddenly steps forward. "You? Watch over Taylor when your ankle is still sprained?" the man poses the question as if it were a rhetorical one. He sighs and then shakes his head in frustration. "Cassie, you shouldn't even be here today. Not when you're still injured. What if something happens to Taylor during the day? How will you make sure she's okay if you're still hurt? Can you guarantee that you'll be able to protect her when she needs you most?" he snaps.

I blankly stare into Noah's piercing green eyes while my jaw hangs in slight awe of his aggressive barrage of questions. He seems genuinely upset by my bold claim to take care of Taylor in his stead, the anger practically spewing from his cold gaze. A wave of shame swiftly surrounds my heart as I speechlessly stand in front of him. It only makes sense that he would be extremely worried and concerned about his daughter's well-being when she's basically his entire world.

Still, I can't find it completely within myself to tolerate the heat that I'm getting from Noah. I understand that he's troubled by the fact that I'm not at my best right now, but kids will be kids. They all get inevitably hurt by being the young and curious children that they are. It's impossible to protect them forever, and it's ridiculous to think that it can be done. And even though I'm getting annoyed and fed up with Noah's pointless lecturing and nitpicking, I bear the injustice through my clenched teeth. There's no point in making him even angrier than he already is with my clever and mouthy comebacks.

"You know, it's reckless and irresponsible for you to think that you can take care of Taylor when you can't even completely take care of yourself," Noah continues in a disappointed tone. "You should just go home and let me handle Taylor for the rest of the day-"

"Cassie, you came!" a young voice interrupts from down the hallway.

My face naturally turns toward the direction of Taylor's voice where I immediately furrow my brow in utter shock and horror at her appearance. Strands of her hair are sticking out in every direction around her head in spite of her hair being pulled back into some sort of hairdo. And as the girl draws nearer, I notice that there are huge clumps and pieces of her long brown hair hanging out of what looks to be a poorly-done attempt at a French braid. I clench down on my teeth to stifle my amusement. It takes every ounce of willpower within me not to laugh in pure astonishment at the terrible hairstyle sitting on her head.

"What happened to your hair, sweetheart?" I cautiously ask with a stiff smirk as the clueless little girl approaches me with an innocent smile on her face.

"Daddy did it for me!" Taylor proudly states. Her pleased grin shifts over from me to her father who looks a lot less thrilled than she does about the hairstyle. In fact, he seems rather uninterested and unenthusiastic compared to Taylor to own up to his sorry attempt at it.

"Did he? It doesn't look too bad!" I lie with an impressed look on my face. Ignoring the obvious grimace on Noah's face from the corner of my eyes, I bend down to meet Taylor at eye level. "Let me fix it up a little for you, though. Some of your hair isn't tied together, and I would hate to see your braid fall apart."

The little girl happily obliges my suggestion and turns around for me where I instantly start undoing her entire braid in silence. She remains none the wiser while I redo the mess that Noah made with her hair, the energetic child rambling on and updating me about her day so far. I give her curt responses throughout her one-sided conversation, but I mainly focus my attention on fixing and perfecting the braid. I'm so concentrated on the task at hand that I temporarily forget about the minor dispute between me and Noah until Taylor suddenly asks without hesitation: "Are you two fighting?"

I pause with her hair in between my fingers. Her abrupt yet intuitive line of questioning takes me by surprise. "No, sweetie. Why would you say that?" I ask with a nervous laugh.

However, Taylor responds without missing a beat. "Because daddy's been in a bad mood since you left last night. And it sounded like you guys were still fighting earlier. It's not good to fight. Everyone should get along and be happy."

My heart warms and flutters at the sound of Taylor's young albeit insightful words of wisdom. Even if I wanted to stay mad at Noah for scolding me over what I consider to be a petty reason, I suppose part of his gripe with me is due to Chase's awful first impression which would leave a bad taste in anyone's mouth. The flustered look on Noah's face is clearly proof of Taylor's nonchalant remark about his foul mood being true. He's so taken aback by his daughter's casual betrayal that he has nothing to say for a few long seconds before he can finally come up with something to challenge her statement.

"Hey, don't you think you're a little too young to be worrying about these things?" Noah grumbles as he tries to change the topic to hide the truth behind her words.

"And aren't you a little too old to be having fights when you're a grown up? You should just make up with Cassie and be friends with her again," Taylor fires back with a firm cross of her arms in front of her chest. There's a fierce look in her eyes as she looks up at her father with strong conviction. "Besides, that's what you and mommy used to always tell me when I got into fights with the other kids. Both of you said that forgiving each other is the grown up thing to do," she adds with a single nod of her head.

The explicit defiance in Taylor's tone of voice has my eyes bulging out of their sockets. I never thought that she could revolt against the father that she adores so much, especially with the amount of confidence that's exuding from her small stature. She's almost like a different person from the first time I witnessed her cowering before her father as she meekly accepted his public chiding of her actions with tears in her eyes. It seems like she has him cornered this time around, and she's not planning on backing down from her position at all.

"You guys can make up with each other and then we can all go to the zoo together for my birthday!" Taylor exclaims in delight as her footsteps eagerly tap and dance in place. The excitement trails up her legs and toward her arms where she begins enthusiastically clapping her hands at the thought of her own brilliant idea. "Cassie can come with us too, right, daddy?" the little girl asks with a bright smile.

Panic immediately spreads across Noah's face. "Uh…I mean-"

"Please?"

I can almost visualize the huge pout on Taylor's lips as she restlessly sways back and forth in anticipation of her father's approval. Although I have made a decision to watch the interesting scene unfold as a silent bystander, my curious eyes move to take a peek at Noah's troubled expression. As soon as I set my sights on his somber appearance, I feel the incredible urge to chuckle and grin. There's a weak and sullen pair of eyes on his face along with a heavy frown to top it all off. I've never seen him with a more defeated look across his face, and the mere view of it is rather amusing to witness firsthand.

All this time I've considered Noah to be this cold and intimidating businessman when in reality, he's a bit of a softie. His stern and tough exterior clearly falters and wanes in the face of his only daughter, that crumbling façade a sign that he considers himself a father above everything else in his life. Witnessing his dedication to Taylor fills my heart with an inexplicably tender warmth. Even though I may have been a fool for spontaneously deciding to sleep with my boss, I'm probably an even bigger fool for maintaining these strong feelings for him after everything that's happened.

But the heart wants what it wants. I can't prevent the natural attraction I feel for him even if I know he's no good for me.

"Cassie can come with us if she wants to," Noah states with a bit of reluctance in his voice. I hear Taylor's slight gasp of joy while my fingers finish up making the last section of her braids where I eventually secure the finished product with the hair-tie. The little girl turns around and smiles at me with her new and improved hairstyle. That large and eager grin on her innocent face makes it practically impossible to say no to her.

"I would absolutely love to celebrate your birthday with you, Taylor," I happily respond with a beam.

Taylor's honey-brown eyes light up as she starts bursting all over with excitement. "Yay! This is going to be one of the best birthdays ever!" she joyfully giggles.

My amused gaze watches Taylor bounce around the room as though she were a ball of endless energy. After seeing how animated and lively she's acting in reaction to my acceptance of her invitation, I have no doubts in my mind that she must have had way too much sugar this morning. She's talking way more than she usually does, sometimes in a manner so fast that I can't even understand what she's saying. But I guess this extreme level of hyperactivity is to be expected considering how little experience Noah has in monitoring Taylor's mischievous behavior and habits. I wouldn't put it past him to have not noticed Taylor taking that brief window of opportunity to grab a second helping of desserts and sweets while he wasn't paying attention.

The energetic little girl abruptly loses interest in her own one-sided conversation and ends up going back down the hallway from which she first came through. I suspect that she's going to help herself to some more snacks while she still can because she knows that I'll be the one to stop her from over indulging in unhealthy sweets, but the jarring silence between me and Noah prevents me from going after her.  An unsettling tingle trickles down my spine as I feel Noah's green gaze watching me from the corner of my eyes. I didn't realize how stifling and uncomfortable the mood and atmosphere was without Taylor's loud presence cutting right through the heart of the tension.

Yet Noah's continued silence leaves me no choice but to confront him myself. There's only so much blank staring and cold shoulder I can take from him before I actually break.

I clear my throat and lift my wary gaze toward him. "Did you happen to have something else you wanted to tell me, Mr. Bishop? Or was that everything I needed to know?" I calmly ask in spite of my hesitation to speak with him.

The vibrant green hue of his eyes light up in the same manner as Taylor's stare from my unexpected inquiries. He quickly shakes his head, "No, that's all I wanted to say. There's nothing else I have to tell you."

My brow naturally raises in response to Noah's blatant lie. He doesn't look too confident about his answer judging by the way his eyes keep on glancing over at me as though he doesn't want me to leave yet. Clearly, there's something else lingering on his mind. He's just too stubborn and proud to admit it for some reason.

"Are you sure?" I ask with a small smile as I give him a second chance to spill the words that are hanging at the tip of his tongue. "It feels like you had something else you wanted to say. But I could just be wrong," I shrug.

A brief flicker of surprise flashes across Noah's eyes as he looks at me with that beautiful green stare of his. He attempts to turn away and hide his troubled mind and appearance from me but not before I catch the sound of his slight sigh underneath his breath. I can see him silently struggle and debate with himself over what he should say to me. Though after a quiet moment of deliberation, it looks like he decides to take the bait that I've conveniently placed right in front of him.

"It's just that Taylor has never really wanted anyone else to celebrate her birthdays with her aside from me and a select few of our longtime employees. But it seems like she warmed up to you pretty quickly these past few weeks. You're the only nanny that she's ever accepted with big open arms. I think she sees you as some sort of an older sister figure or something," Noah admits with a soft chuckle.

The gentle shift in his tone of voice as he describes the close relationship between me and Taylor strikes a resonating chord with my emotions. I always knew that the young child was fond of me, but I never expected our bond to exceed even Noah's expectations -- especially when he says that I'm the only nanny that Taylor has ever openly welcomed into her life. A tender smile forms across my lips as his words echo and ring in my head. I feel more than humbled to hear that Taylor sees me as someone who is potentially a part of her family circle, a person who isn't just a caretaker to her but a positive role model as well.

I'm glad that I was able to pry that information out of Noah because I would never have found out how much Taylor actually enjoys my company. I couldn't be any prouder of having the role of her nanny after hearing the subtle and implied praise from his statement, and I can't resist grinning from ear to ear just realizing how lucky I am to have this wonderful job in the first place. The work is tiring yet extremely rewarding. I wouldn't trade my position for anything else in the world.

These experiences are mine to keep. Both the good and the bad.

"Sorry if I'm not making any sense since this is kind of out of the blue. I'm just a little surprised by how much Taylor admires you. She doesn't typically open up that easily to strangers and outsiders," Noah explains with his eyes pointed at me. There's an oddly warm expression in his green gaze as he earnestly stares at me.

"I guess there's just something special about you."

My heart suddenly skips a beat as I quickly lower my eyes down toward the floor in embarrassment. Noah's particular choice of words leaves me feeling slightly flustered even though I know better than to assume that there's a hidden meaning behind his casual remark. All he really means by what he said is that I'm special because Taylor likes me and not because he's the one who truly believes that I'm unique or extraordinary. There's nothing else to his straightforward comment, so there's no reason to feel shy over it.

I sheepishly laugh and then brush my hair back behind my ear out of nervous habit. "Well, I can understand and see what you mean when you say I'm like a big sister to Taylor. I am used to taking care of Chase who's always been a pretty big troublemaker since we were kids. He might look like an adult, but he acts like a complete child. I actually wanted to apologize for his rude behavior last night. He really has no delicacy sometimes, and it honestly drives me crazy."

The sound of my tense laughter fills the air as I begin to realize how much I'm senselessly rambling on and complaining about Chase. However, the lack of response and immediate follow up from Noah after my public grievances worries me. I can't help but feel like I may have said too much when it wasn't necessary in the first place. Nonetheless, I lift my gaze toward him where I discover the calm and collected man to be staring back at me with an extremely dumbfounded and bewildered look on his face.

He looks absolutely lost.

"Chase, he's your brother?" Noah finally says after a long period of silence. The tone of his voice sounds very shaky and lacking in confidence as he furrows his brow at the thought and mention of it as though it were an inconceivable idea.

But I can't exactly blame him for questioning or doubting my relationship to Chase. He and I don't really look like siblings to begin with. One of us inherited all of the good looks and the height while the other inherited the common sense and the smarts. It's obvious which one of us got which pair of qualities.

A low sigh escapes me as I slowly nod my head. "Yup, we don't look alike at all, huh? People never seem to believe me when I tell them I'm the older sibling too. But it is what it is," I shrug and softly laugh.

Noah lets out a weak and forced laugh in return after I answer his question. For some strange reason, he doesn't look any happier or enlightened by my response which I figure would at least clear his doubts and confusion. Yet the man simply covers his mouth with the palm of his hand and closes his eyes as if he was painfully dreading or regretting something. There's a clear look of distress written all over his face, and the situation only seems to gets worse when I start to hear him chuckle every now and then from behind his covered mouth.

"Are you okay, Mr. Bishop? You look kind of troubled," I hesitantly ask in a very concerned tone of voice.

In all of the time I've spent with him, he's never shown me this weak appearance of uncertainty. He's always been the strong and confident man who never falters in the face of anything unless that something has to do with his daughter. Even then, he's still not the type of person to show his deep regrets like this. But in between his seemingly dismal sounds of laughter and his sorrow-filled grimace, I can't really tell what's going on with him.

Despite Noah's distraught appearance, he takes a deep breath and shoves his hands into his pockets. "Yeah, I'm okay. It's probably because you guys are related, but Taylor seems to be really fond of your brother as well. He might even be her first crush," he plainly states with a bitter smirk on his lips.

My eyes go big with surprise from his unexpected reveal. "Oh, no. Is she really crushing on Chase?"

The green-eyed man gives me a look as if there could be no other answer than yes. I blankly stare at the silent and brooding man with an apologetic expression as my jaw drops in pure amusement and dismay. Now I understand why he seems a little off today. It's because Taylor has been showing interest in another man who isn't him, a man who he knows is definitely no good for her.

My heartstrings tighten at the sight of Noah's handsome yet displeased facial expression.

The natural jealousy of a father is a pretty endearing scene to witness, especially since I rarely get to see his soft and gentle side.

"I mean, Chase has always been good with kids because he's like one himself. It's no surprise that Taylor might be falling for his charm," I tease with a wide grin while Noah continues to quietly sulk by himself.

His moping expression is so comical and intriguing that I can't quite resist the temptation to give him a little more grief over what's troubling him. This is my chance to get back at him for the unreasonable scolding he gave me earlier, and I'll be damned if I don't capitalize on Noah's brief moment of weakness. It's not every day that I get the golden opportunity to grate on his nerves considering that the man is my boss now.

 "So I'm guessing that's why you've been in such a bad mood like Taylor mentioned before? You feel like you're losing her because of Chase and his charming magic tricks?" I raise my brow at him and giggle. The size of my huge smile grows bigger as I watch Noah scoff and shake his head at my harmless jeering. "Honestly though, you have nothing to worry about. Chase probably won't be showing up around here anymore, and Taylor will forget about him in due time."

"No!" Noah suddenly raises his voice in annoyance and disbelief. "That's definitely not it. I wasn't in a bad mood because of Chase. Why would I ever let a guy like that bother me anyway when I have more important things to worry and think about?" he snorts.

Even though he's extremely adamant about not being upset over Chase's appearance and presence last night, the heated expression on his face practically betrays him. As much as I find it entertaining to provoke him with my slight jabs, I let the matter go without fighting it.

"Okay, if you say so, Mr. Bishop," I cheekily beam.

I fully expect Noah to get fed up and scoff again due to my childish teasing of his sore spot, but he gently sets his gaze on me instead without saying a word. There's a soft expression in his green eyes as he looks at me, a tender expression which I never expected to see after the way he harshly pushed me out of his private life. Yet my breath grows short and my heart starts to feel that fluttery sensation when I gaze into his penetrating eyes. I may just be imagining things, but I can almost swear that there was a strong sense of passion and emotion within his stare for a fleeting moment before it quickly disappeared.

"Why don't you just stay here for the rest of the day, Cassie? Taylor seems pretty excited to see you, and I could use the extra support if I get called in for work," Noah suggests as he casually takes a sip of his hot coffee. He looks like he's back to his normal and usual self, his glances and tone of voice as distant and cold as ever.

"Yeah, I can do that," I softly reply with a nod of my head.

The man sends me off with a small smile before walking off with his warm brew in hand. I can feel my chest tightening up as my eyes follow his heavy footsteps which gradually increase the distance between us. However, that tense feeling steadily turns into a hollow sensation with each passing second that's spent watching his every move. I love seeing that tall and confident strut to his step along with that particular way he rolls his shirt sleeves up so that they sit right around his elbows. It seems like even when he's dressed in his casual wear instead of his classic suit and tie look, I still feel a slight weakness in my knees when I look at him.

Even as Noah disappears from my line of sight to step into another room, my heart continues to swoon with the lingering thought of him. He may be a coldhearted bastard for treating me so callously after casually taking my virginity, but it's his gruff yet straightforward nature which inevitably pulls me toward him. Bold, strong, reliable, and refined. He's a man in every sense of the word, a man who has completely stolen my heart without trying.

There's no doubt about it. I'm completely and utterly smitten by him.

A heavy sigh falls from my lips as the raw emotion of my desires takes and steals the strength right out of my knees. I can feel that same weakness in my legs from earlier growing even stronger when I think back to the moment Noah said that I was special. It's strange that those simple words of praise could fill me with both pain and joy at the same time. Special. That word 'special' naturally repeats in my head again and again until it leaves me with an incomplete and bittersweet feeling. My existence is special enough to stay close to the family but not special enough to be that woman who's closest to him. It's unfair. Especially since I can't get him out of my head even if I tried.

Every inch of my body seems to naturally tremble and tingle with Noah's presence. His soft lips which overran me with firm kisses and his hot fingertips which caressed me from top to bottom -- I can feel his passion and energy still crawling and lingering all over my flesh and skin. It's torture to realize that he's so close yet so far, and with each day that passes by, it gets a little harder to put on a smile. I've done my best to hide away the pain and pretend like we never shared that moment of intimacy, but now I feel like I'm barely holding on.

The weight of my own suppressed emotions and desires is slowly suffocating me to the point where taking a breath feels exhausting and painful. I know I'm a fool for sticking around the one person and man who causes me so much heartache, yet I can't bring myself to end our relationship. The money and pay is only part of the reason I'm still working this job; my naïve hopes and delusions are the other part of it. Even if it sounds incredibly stupid, I want to believe that the night we spent together was more than just an easy lay for him to take advantage of in the heat of the moment because of my obvious attraction and lust for him.

I want to believe that he sees me as more than just his daughter's nanny -- that he actually sees me as a woman.

And while Noah has already made himself very clear on the issue of keeping our boundaries strictly professional, I'll keep holding onto my foolish hopes and beliefs until it eventually breaks me. I'll continue to bear and mask the pain that's deeply buried within the depths of my heart. It's the only way that I can pathetically stay by his side. His presence and company is like a bad drug that I can't get enough of, but I have faith that this fleeting love and affection won't last forever. These troublesome feelings that dwell in my chest will naturally fade on their own. But until then, I'll keep on putting on that fake smile and façade of happiness.

I'll be okay.

I know it.