Chapter 8
They lay tucked up in bed talking about all the little things couples who are discovering each other have a tendency to do. Nolan told her what it had been like for him growing up in Ireland. Turns out they each had only a brother, and that the relationships between them were complicated. Her little brother took after their mother, thought he could do no wrong, and never apologized for anything. She didn't see either one of them if she could help it. Nolan's older brother was always jealous of everything he did, and no matter how hard Nolan tried he couldn't connect to him. He also avoided him whenever he could. Caitlyn told him all about her sons. How much Mason looked like her, and how Wyatt at 15 was almost grown up and it scared her sometimes.
He asked her in a quiet voice about her divorce. She found herself telling him how there wasn't a big explosion, one mountain they couldn't find a way around. That it was just a million small things pulling them apart for years. The space between them was growing and that she had looked up one day and realized they weren't even a couple anymore. Bryan hadn't seemed bothered by it at all, which was when she knew there was nothing left. She confessed about all of the guilt she held onto for too long because she was the one to ask for the divorce. That she was learning to forgive herself, because everyone deserved happiness. She told him how the boys seemed to take it all in stride, thankfully, and they adjusted better than she could have asked for. When she was finished laying it all out she asked him if there was anyone that had ever ripped him up inside.
He told her about a woman a while ago who kept him on the back burner while she flitted back and forth to another man. That every time he thought it was good between them she ran back into that other guy's arms. He finally couldn't take the roller coaster anymore and broke it off, realizing that maybe she was only ever with him to make the other man jealous. The woman hadn't even cared when he said goodbye, but she called him crying sometimes now and begged him to come back. He said the first time had nearly undone him, but he knew that it would change nothing, and she probably only reached out to him when she was fighting with her man. The part that bothered him the most now was how she told everyone he had been the one to break her heart.
Caitlyn thought about what a damn fool that woman had been. Nolan was a gift, and to string him along, and jerk him around like that just wasn't forgivable in her mind. She was thinking about it, quietly lost in her own thoughts for awhile when he tipped her face up to his.
"What is running through yer mind right now?" He asked smoothing her fiery hair back off of her face.
"Just wondering what you're going to tell the next woman that is laying here inside your arms when she asks about me. I can only give you a few days Nolan, and that's not really long enough to make a blip in a lifetime. I can't figure out if I want this to mean nothing so it doesn't hurt, or to mean everything beautiful and precious. Its messing with my head." She said watching the sadness creep into his beautiful eyes.
"Thinking about another woman being in me arms feels wrong, love. Ye fit so well here." He said softly.
"We both know this has to be just a fun vacation fling." She said feeling her own words slice into her soul like a thousand jagged razor blades.
"Maybe, but yer not going to be an easy woman to replace. I can't imagine anyone being able to top this. It just don't feel right." He admitted.
"I don't want that. I want to be able to close my eyes at night and think of you happy here. Going to the pub and trying to steal Keely from Sean, or wandering the streets looking Irish as hell in your cap. You have so much to give Nolan, so damn much its staggering. You keeping all of that locked inside because of this, and not sharing it would be a real shame." She said running her finger tips over the hair on his jaw.
"Caitlyn, how can ye say that and expect me to pretend its just casual between us? Ye see things inside of me that no one ever has. I'm good at playing the good time up for a laugh lad, and nobody really bothers to look past that. Thinking of another man wrapping his arms around ye, and holding you pressed close to him in the dark has me stomach filling with fucking rocks. Will he be able to make ye feel what I can? Will he appreciate how honestly ye give yourself, without pretenses? Thinking about someone else being the one to watch yer beautiful eyes while yer body explodes around his might just be the end of me." Nolan said closing his eyes for a few minutes, and missing the tears shining in Caitlyn's.
"I guess we grab all that we can, and wish each other happiness for the rest of it. I don't want you to regret me." She said laying her head down on his chest. "Maybe I shouldn't have walked back into that pub to you."
"I will never regret ye, that's just mental, that. I wouldn't trade the time I've spent with ye for anything in all of heaven or earth."
"Even if this leaves us both hurting? Because I've gotta be honest Nolan, flying away is going to rip a piece of me out." She held her breath in the darkness waiting to hear what his answer would be.
"When I'm old and gray and I count up all my mistakes this won't be one. That piece, I'll happily keep it, and knowing I have it will selfishly make me feel better. We didn't mean for this to be so deep when we took that chance. Best I can figure is this was fated, love. We don't know how our story ends, it may surprise ye." He said pressing a kiss to her temple.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore tonight. I just want to be lost in this moment with you. Just hold me please." She asked him in a shaky voice, wanting to tuck the fears away and soak up the comforting warmth in his arms instead.
"Anytime ye want love." He said wrapping his arms tighter around her body. "What do ye want to see tomorrow?" He asked changing the subject.
"Maybe we could get out of the city and go for a drive into the countryside?" She said quietly.
"That suits me down to da ground. I've somewhere in mind. Go on to sleep now beautiful., and put yer mind at ease." He said his fingers rubbing soothingly down her back. He started humming the same thing he had been when they were dancing earlier. Caitlyn meant to ask him what song it was, but sleep claimed her before the words ever made it out. Nolan lay there thinking he was already completely defenseless when it came to her, and being powerless had never felt so right to him before.