H is date, Miranda, was nice. Cute and sweet, she was seemingly perfect for him. It was true, they had a lot in common—their interests in music and movies aligned, they loved the same food and were both runners, but truth be told, he was bored. Miranda seemed up for whatever he wanted and she wasn’t shy with her affection, but it was almost too much. She’d had her hands on him all night, and Connor was suffocating. He wasn’t wearing a tie, but he might as well have had one lynching him. She was right, but all wrong at the same time. Her perfume was too sweet, her lips too red, her hair too light. Not feisty enough, not… not the person he’d always wanted, but could never have. He had a healthy sex drive—not one that got satiated very often, but he was a dude. He had needs. And tonight? Nada. Flaccid as fuck. What the hell is wrong with me?
Katy had seemed out of sorts when they’d been shopping, and the tension had only gotten worse. Levi was walking on eggshells around her, not knowing what to say, but he had his nose out of joint too. He was pissed at something and had turned all surly. It wasn’t a good look on him. But it was worse when his mask fell away and he looked like someone had killed his dog. He was miserable. Connor had to resist the temptation to blow off his date and try to put a smile back on his friends’ faces, to make them laugh again. Surely that’s it. They’re bringing me down, distracting me from a beautiful woman.
Dinner was long and drawn out, but finally over, though Miranda wanted to move onto something else. Katy and Levi begged off a walk along the beach, and as much as it sucked to be on an awkward date, Connor was grateful for the chance to get away from his friends. Miranda slipped her hand into his and, hoping for some attraction to take hold, he didn’t pull away. They walked together along the boardwalk down Surfers Paradise beach. He loved it there—the lights, the sounds. The rhythm of the waves crashing on the darkened sand and the cool breeze settled Connor in a way he hadn’t experienced since leaving to join the army. The beach always did that to him though—gave him a sense of place, of peace, like nowhere else on earth.
“Connor, should we go down onto the sand?” she asked sweetly. He paused, looking at her closely. The innocent enough question had him pausing. Under the sweet smile, the doe eyes she flashed him, she looked like she wanted to eat him alive. Does she wanna get lucky on the sand?
“Um, Miranda,” he began, but seeing her expression drop—the sides of her lips tilting down and the disappointment swirling in her baby blues as she looked up at him—had him backtracking. “I’m kinda tired. Could I perhaps take you home instead?”
Her eyes lit up and she flashed him a sweet smile again. But to Connor, that predatory gleam in her eyes—the one that told him she’d consume him whole—was back. And no doubt about it, there’d be teeth. He gave her a nervous smile, looking away when she stepped closer. When did we stop walking?
He motioned for them to move back to Connor’s car and when they reached it, he held her door open. The drive back to Miranda’s house was quiet except for the directions she gave him, but her eyes never left him—it was obvious when she was turned on the seat, angling her body towards him.
He pulled into the drive and cut the engine. She lived around the corner from Katy and Levi, in a house much like theirs was before the renovations. There was no way he was staying with her, but he didn’t want to head back to Katy and Levi’s place either. They needed some time alone, to work out whatever it was that was eating away at them. Either that or have a good session to fuck the angst out of their systems, whatever its cause. Putting on a smile, Connor opened Miranda’s door and walked her to the front step. He stepped back when she opened the screen.
“Home safe.” She smiled at him and nodded her head towards the interior. “Wanna drink?”
“Not tonight, Miranda. I’d best be getting home.” I don’t think I can let you down softly if I walk in your front door.
“Maybe we can do this again?”
No. “Yeah, that sounds nice.” What am I doing?
“Okay then, call me. I’m free next weekend.”
“Great,” Connor replied, forcing a smile. He didn’t want to hurt her, lead her on—she was too nice for that. Maybe his wanting to protect her, albeit from himself, was because there was something more to his feelings.
He leaned down to kiss her cheek, but she turned her head at the last second and pressed their lips together, before licking his bottom lip with little swipes of her tongue. As much as Connor second guessed himself and whether he was attracted to her, he had to see where it could lead. He opened against her mouth and kissed her deeper, their tongues stroking together. It was... nice, but there weren’t exactly any fireworks going off.
He broke the kiss and smiled at her. “I wouldn’t be a gentleman if I didn’t let you get inside now.”
She ran her long nails down his chest, stopping at the button of his suit pants and grinned at him. “Being a gentleman is overrated.”
“Not on a first date, it’s not.” He grasped her hand and squeezed it, stepping back again as he let go.
Confused and frustrated with himself for giving up a sure thing, he got behind the wheel and sped off. Three hours and all the back roads down to Byron Bay later, he stopped the car, cursing the situation as he got out. He breathed in the cool salty sea air and leaned against his car. Shaking his head at the stab of aggravation that hit him, Connor kicked at the grass, his shoe finding a stray rock and sending it flying in a high arc somewhere into the park. Taking a few deep breaths to calm himself, he looked out over the darkened beach, listening to the waves caress the shore. Instantly the weight lifted from his shoulders, freeing him.
Pulling his guitar from the back seat, he strummed it. He didn’t have a song in mind when he started playing, instead letting the notes form into a melody, the melody into songs. He found himself humming Rag’n’Bone Man’s “Skin.” The poignant words drew him in and settled deep inside. Connor’s eyes slid closed, and he played song after song.
The first rays of dawn kissed the sky warming his skin. Tilting his face up, he released a slow breath before blinking open his eyes and watching. Pinks and oranges splashed across the sky in ever brightening hues. The sun, a fiery yellow that morning, had breached the horizon sending shimmering rays across the water. The power of nature was captivating, and Connor stood transfixed as the sky changed from a pale predawn grey to a rich shade of blue he’d only ever seen above the Pacific.
A pelican waddled out onto the sand and spread its broad wings, flapping them and lifting into the air. Circling around ascending higher as it went, Connor realized that his life had returned to that state too. He was free to fly. He didn’t have to go into the bowels of hell chasing terrorists, ending the life of someone, who with a split-second judgement was deemed to be an enemy rather than an ally. There were so many regrets, so many nights of vomiting up his dinner, of wishing day break would arrive so he didn’t have to face the nightmares. But getting shot at and blown up was history for Connor, the horrors of war seemed faraway in his little patch of the world, even with the constant reminder from his PTSD. It killed him that his brothers and sisters in arms were still at it. He could never forget—he didn’t want to anyway—but he might be able to move on and start to live again. Was Miranda the person to do it with? He didn’t know, but he owed it to himself to see if a spark developed. And he deserved to be happy, didn’t he? She was clearly into him. If he could get out of his head long enough, maybe he’d realize he was attracted to her too. At least if he was really present on their next date, it wouldn’t be so damn awkward.
The early morning waves called to him, the perfect barrels beckoning. He stripped down to his boxer shorts and jogged down to the water. The surfers were already out—the waves pumping. The water hit his skin as he strode into the whitewash and he sucked in a breath. It was ice-cold. Damn. A wave began to peak and he dived under it. Rushing water surrounded him, cocooning him as he swam with powerful strokes. Still underwater, he opened his eyes, watching the wave curl into itself. Breaking through to its other side, Connor wiped the salt from his eyes and let the water swirl around him.
The issues he was working through—some small and others not so small—were washed away, momentarily lifting the weight from his shoulders. Another wave broke and Connor duck-dived under it. Breaking the surface again, he relaxed, floating in the bobbing swell. In the warm early morning sun, the blue waters sparkled around him. He slipped under another wave, once again watching it curl over him. It was mesmerizing seeing the blue water change into the surging white foam as the wave was sucked up into a peak until it crested, crashing against the shore. Breaking the surface, he shook the water off his face before running his hands through his wavy hair. His buzz cut was growing out, the prickle of the short strands no longer as sharp under his palms.
Body surfing until the rumble in his stomach was too annoying to ignore, he got out and trudged up the sand to grab his towel from his gym bag. Drying himself off, Connor watched the surfers riding the waves. Seeing nature’s power helped put everything into context for him. And it wasn’t just dating either. It was everything, his entire life plan. Levi’s birthday was coming up, and he’d been thinking about doing something for his oldest and closest friend that he’d never do himself. The problem was, it would push him into something he’d tried hard to avoid. He didn’t want to be a mechanic like his old man—too many memories circled around him when he spent a lot of time in the space. Doing his car was bad enough, but a second rebuild? He knew that fixing up the old Harley which had been languishing in pieces in Lee’s garage would be worth it. A plan began to form, and even though it wasn’t where he pictured himself going, it was good to start seeing the forest from the trees. He smiled. He could do this; he would do it.
“Good waves out there?” Connor spun at the girl’s husky voice. She was in a bikini carrying a longboard down towards the water.
“Yeah. Really clean but cold as a mother.”
She grinned at his comment and kept walking, waving as she went past and he pulled a spare set of clothes from his gym bag.
Connor stretched his legs out, propping his bare feet on the timber railing. His thongs lay discarded under the table of the beachside pub he sat in. They served a killer breakfast there. Waiting for the waitress to make her way over to him and take his order, he strummed his guitar, playing random notes in a slow melody.
“Hi,” the young waitress said, in a sweet melodic voice. Connor wondered why the owners had a child working there. “Can you really play that?” She pointed to his guitar.
“Yup, I can.” He grinned.
“Can you play something for me?”
“Sure. But can I put my order in first? I’m starving.” He jokingly clutched his belly, putting on a pained expression. She rolled her eyes, grinning, and looked at him expectantly, so Connor continued, “I just want the breakfast special with a black coffee and an OJ.”
“No worries. I’ll put it in now.” As she walked away, she tossed a shy smile over her shoulder. “So can you play me a song?”
“Will do. Who do you like, doll?”
“Taylor Swift.”
He thought about it for a moment and smiled. “‘Back to December’ it is.” One of her earlier songs, it wasn’t as big a hit as the others, but it had a beautiful melody, a great country vibe. Slow and sweet, the song told the story of regrets and doing things over, apologizing and growing up. Connor began strumming the opening chords and sung to the soulful tune. After carefully placing his coffee on the table, the waitress excitedly jumped up and down, letting out a quiet squeal.
“That’s one of my favourites. Thank you.”
Once he’d started playing, he didn’t want to stop, and no one had told him to shut up yet, so he figured it was a win. He kept going and by the end of the fifth song, the café was packed, and people were gathered around listening to him as much as enjoying their food. He totally got a kick out of performing for them.
A middle-aged lady dressed in kaftans with flowing grey hair approached him. “Hi, I’m Tracey. You met my youngest, Stella.” She pointed to her daughter waiting tables.
“Connor,” he replied, shaking her proffered hand. “Nice to meet you. Your daughter’s very sweet.”
“I like you, Connor. You play beautifully. Do you have an agent?”
“Huh?” he asked, shaking his head. “No, no agent. I don’t even play professionally. I’m just messing around.”
“I own the café here in the pub and a couple of others on the Goldie. I need some entertainment a few days a week for all three of them. If you’re interested—and if you can—I’d love for you to come and play there as a practice run.” Is she kidding? That path, the one he thought he’d seen, suddenly had a fork in it, one that he’d never dreamed of exploring. Music had always been his passion, had always been a fundamental part of him, but it’d never been something he thought he could do.
“I’d love to.” He beamed at the realization that he might not have to follow in his father’s steps and become a mechanic. “Yeah, I’m interested. Definitely.” They sat and spoke for half an hour, and she handed him a card.
“See you Thursday. I’m not promising anything permanent, but if you do well, then we’ll look at having you play at all three.”
“Thanks, Tracey. Can’t wait.”
Connor got on the road and headed straight home. He couldn’t wait to tell Levi and Katy. Excitement and adrenaline coursed through his veins. His head still buzzed and he couldn’t wipe the smile off his face even if he tried. He let himself in and jogged up the hallway, calling out, “Lee, Cupcake,” as he went. He spotted his friend slouched on the couch, and Connor’s grin left in a rush when Levi looked up at him. Sadness permeated the air between them.
“You haven’t lost it, mate. First date, I’m impressed.”
“It’s not what you think,” Connor replied. He didn’t want to admit he hadn’t sealed the deal with a girl who was so obviously wanting to, but he couldn’t lie either. That wasn’t him. Levi’s derisive snort and the way he stood and walked away from Connor had him on the defensive. What did it matter even if he’d slept with Miranda? They were both consenting adults. Sex was sex. It wasn’t a bad thing, something they should be ashamed of, even if they had slept together. Con’s news went by the wayside as Levi slammed his mug down in the sink. Connor wasn’t going there—Lee needed to cool off or they’d end up duking it out. Connor spun on his heel and walked back the way he came, heading straight for the bedroom he was staying in.
“Hi,” Katy murmured from her doorway as he turned the knob to his room.
“Hi, Katy. I’m going to crash unless you need me urgently.”
“No, go and catch up on some sleep, Casanova.” The smile she flashed looked strained, something Connor could identify with after Levi’s outburst. He gave her a weak smile back and closed the door, but a knock soon followed.
“I’m in jocks, but you can come in.” He looked down at his boxer shorts making sure they weren’t threadbare as Katy opened the door a crack.
“I know I said I didn’t need you, but can we talk?”
“Sure, Cupcake, what’s up? Apart from the ice-cold reception happening in the lounge room.”
“He’s upset. Give him time to cool off, and he’ll be back to normal. He’s just a little tense.” She sat down on his bed and sighed, looking as defeated as her man in the other room.
Connor sat next to her and grasped her hand. It was small in his, soft and warm. He breathed in the scent of chocolate and vanilla that lingered around her—like it got under her skin at work and had become a part of her. “Katy, if this is about me staying here, it’s no big deal, I’ll just move out. I’m not gonna get offended if you guys need your space.”
“No, boo. It’s not you. You don’t need to move out.” Katy smiled at him, this one more genuine than the last.
“Are you guys okay? I’m worried about you.”
“We’re good. We’ve both been a little off. Things are changing for us, not in a bad way I don’t think, but he’s struggling a little with it.”
“You wanna talk about it?”
“No, I’m okay. We’re still happy.”
“I’m always there for you guys. You know that, right?”
“I do. And don’t worry, he’ll come around when he’s ready. I’ll do the same one day.” She elbowed Connor affectionately. “But, I need your advice. Lee’s birthday’s coming up soon. I’ve organized a party for him, but I wanted to give him something really special too. He’s done so much for me, and I wanted to... I dunno, do something for him that he’ll never forget, but I have no idea what to get him.”
“I’ve been thinking about it too. I wanna do up the Harley he has in pieces in the garage. From what I could see, it looks like he has most of the bike in there. If you bought the rest of the parts, we could give it to him. He might not even notice the parts are gone if I can get some old boxes that we can stack up in their place. It could be a surprise, but it probably won’t be finished in time for his birthday.”
Katy’s eyes lit up, and she threw her arms around him. “You’d do that for him?”
“I’ll get help from Kevin at the shop.” Connor shrugged. He wouldn’t do the final assembly—he’d want Levi to do that with him—but he’d do what he could for his friend. “I’ve never worked on a bike before, but there’s a guy in there who’s a bike mechanic.”
“So if we worked on that—well, you work on it and I supply any parts you’re short—and I got him something else, do you think that’d be good?”
“I do. Whatcha gonna get?”
“What about... I dunno. I wanted something that he’s never experienced before. Everything I think of, he’s done for work.”
“Why don’t you do something just for the two of you to relax and, maybe reconnect? He’s pretty bloody stressed, and you’ve been working crazy hours too. Go stay in a swanky hotel and get an in-room massage. Eat room service and drink some sparkly.”
“Yeah.” Katy nodded slowly. He could see the cogs turning in her mind. “But he loves our bed more than anything. Maybe I should do something like that here. I could cook him dinner and instead of buying him a massage, I could get someone out to teach me how to do it, then I could give him a happy ending too.” She sighed. “Not like you can learn how to massage someone in fifteen minutes though. And what am I gonna do, give him a BJ when someone’s standing there? Nah, that idea sucks.”
He shook his head, smirking at the picture she’d painted. “You could be onto something though. Adelaide, a friend of mine from uni owns a mobile adult store. She’ll come to you and you choose what you want. It’s completely private.” Connor smiled ruefully, scrubbing his hands over his hair. He didn’t know whether to be jealous or whether to encourage it. The idea that someone else would help her choose a toy for them to use killed him, even if that person was a consummate professional. “Fuck, I can’t believe I just said out loud that you should go buy some sex toys for you and your live-in boyfriend, my best mate. He’d better not take that the wrong way.”
Katy grinned. “Nah, he’d be flattered that you wanna help him get off.” The words were barely out of her mouth when she blushed and snorted out a laugh. “Oh God.”
Heat flooded him, his dick hardening in his boxers. Hoping Katy didn’t see, he leaned forward a little more, hiding the tenting that was happening down there. Covering his inner turmoil up with a grin, he tried to laugh off Katy’s embarrassment. “You want me to get in contact with her? I don’t have her number but I could IM her.”
“Yeah. That sounds good. Thanks, boo,” she said shyly, leaning into him as she did, and squeezing his hand. “Love you.”
“Love you, too,” he murmured back as she left the room. And that was his problem. He’d been in love with this woman for so long that persuading his heart to move on wasn’t easy. That was why he’d left, why he couldn’t stick around and watch his best friend love the woman he wanted with every fibre of his being. It killed him knowing he’d never be the one for her, but at the same time, she and Levi were perfect together. He couldn’t begrudge them for finding their happiness. Now he needed to find his own.
Connor laid down, still above the covers, and adjusted himself. Thinking about Levi and Katy in bed together made him hard, but adding toys conjured up wicked visions that he didn’t even want to try to banish. And what was worse—it wasn’t Adelaide who he pictured helping them choose, but him. Him with them. Loving them. Between them. Them. And once the thought entered his head, he couldn’t rid it from his mind. I’m royally screwed.
Connor had picked up his car and somehow instead of taking it for a drive up to the mountains, Katy had managed to wrangle them into shopping for half the day. As much as Levi hated to have spent the afternoon trying on suits, it was a good thing she’d insisted on it. Connor lived in jeans, so showing up to the restaurant for his first date with Miranda wearing them probably wouldn’t have cut it. Especially in the restaurant they were in. One street back from the ocean in Main Beach, it was in yuppiesville—mansions and million-dollar apartments lined the streets, Lamborghinis and Ferraris were parked alongside. Levi’s own Toyota was comically out of place.
Inside, the high-end restaurant was intimate. Candles flickered in the dim lights, the starched-white table cloths contrasting against the gleaming silver cutlery and sparkling wine goblets. It was renowned for its modern Australian-Italian cuisine, and after eating, Levi knew why. The prawn risotto and veal ravioli were mouth-watering.
Dinner should have been fun. Miranda was cute and sweet, and with Katy and her sass, they usually kept things interesting. Add in Connor and himself, and they should have been talking and laughing the whole night. That was why Katy insisted that they do the double date thing. But at best, it was strained. At worst, it was downright uncomfortable. Katy was miserable the whole night, and that put him on edge too. He didn’t like seeing her upset and it grated on him to watch the attraction sparking between Miranda and Connor. From the moment they’d locked eyes, they’d gravitated towards one another until they’d eliminated the space between them. They hadn’t taken their hands off each other since. It wasn’t like they were making out at the table, but Levi could see from a mile away where the night was headed. He knew he should be happy for Connor—Miranda was perfect for him—but was he ready for a relationship? And would Miranda be patient with him while he readjusted back to being a civilian? Got a job? He was still attending group sessions and counselling three or four times a week, and probably would do so for years. Would Miranda support him when she eventually found out that he wasn’t completely spared by the horrors he’d witnessed?
The restaurant had quietened down after a busy Saturday night, most of the guests having moved on.
“How has everything been tonight?” the waitress interrupted them.
“Great, thanks,” Katy supplied.
“Can I get you anything else? We can’t serve anything alcoholic after midnight so this will be your last chance to order drinks.”
Levi shook his head and saw everyone else at the table murmuring the same thing. Their dinner conversation may have been awkward, but he was still surprised so much time had passed since they’d arrived at the beginning of the night. He hadn’t realized their group and the four ladies apparently having a girls’ night out would close the restaurant.
Miranda toyed with her empty wine glass, something she’d been doing whenever she wasn’t all over Connor. Levi’s jaw clenched. Why did he feel the need to physically remove her hand from where it perched on Connor’s leg? Of course the tablecloth hid whatever the hell it was she was doing, and Levi was grateful for that. “Why don’t we go do something fun?” Miranda suggested. “We could go dancing or head back to my place for a movie. I’ve got a new rom-com on Blu-ray, and my flatmate bought some war movie too. Connor, you were in the army, you’d like it.”
He visibly shuddered and looked at Levi with what he could have sworn was dread in his eyes. Levi couldn’t watch a movie like that—hadn’t been able to since the day Connor enlisted. And Katy would walk out of a premiere if there was even a moment of violence in it. The vice grip Katy had on his hand told him everything he needed to know. “We might pass on the movie.”
“Yeah, I’m not really up for it either,” Connor murmured. A wave of relief washed over Levi. He was protective of his best friend—hell, he’d worried over him for years—and Miranda’s insensitivity made his hackles rise, putting him even more on edge. He’d been tiptoeing around Katy, trying to lift her mood most of the night, but it wasn’t working. And now, he’d had enough. He couldn’t watch his friend fall in lust with this girl, or see them make love-heart eyes at each other again.
“Let’s go to the beach then,” Miranda pressed. She clearly didn’t want the night to end, and who would with a man like Connor fawning over them? He wasn’t ashamed to say that he was gorgeous, especially in the dark shirt and jacket he wore. Sleek and suave, with piercing dark eyes. But the parts that really made him, well… him, were covered or tamed down. The unruly waves his spikey hair was growing into were held in place by product and the intricate tattoos adorning his right arm from shoulder to wrist, his ribs and his shoulder were hidden from view. The script on his ribs was so detailed Levi had found himself wanting to trace it, to follow the curls and blunt lines along his side. But Levi’s curiosity would remain unsated. Dudes didn’t do that to each other.
Miranda’s next comment dragged him out of his head and back into the conversation. “A walk would do us some good after this dessert.” And it probably would, but there was no way he could go with them. A fierce streak of something ran through him when Connor turned to Miranda—surely he was just feeling protective of him. The desire, almost a desperate need for Connor to also say no gripped him. All he wanted was to end the night with the three of them together at home relaxing on the couch together. It made no sense for him to be jealous, but dammit, he was. He’d only just gotten his friend back, and now that Miranda had sunk her claws in, Levi was going to lose him again. He just knew it. The knowledge sent a sharp jolt through his heart, like a knife plunging in, the loss so intense his breath caught. He watched as Connor studied Miranda. His gaze held hers as if he was looking for something, searching. He thought the pain was acute, but instead, it overwhelmed him, like the knife was being twisted violently, when he saw Connor slowly nod, a small smile playing on his lips.
“Sure.”
He was still holding Katy’s hand. The extra pressure she applied, even though it was minute and for barely a second was enough to tell him he wasn’t the only one it was killing. Or maybe it was wishful thinking on Levi’s part—he shouldn’t want his girlfriend to be jealous of her friend going on a date with his best mate, to share his confusion and the crushing blow to his heart.
“Sorry to be a downer, but I hurt my ankle this afternoon. I don’t wanna aggravate it by walking. You two enjoy yourselves.” Katy’s words were a surprise to Levi. Was he so wrapped up in himself that he hadn’t seen her limping? She hadn’t said anything to him, but had he just missed it? He turned to her, concern for her blocking out the pain in his heart. He cupped her face with his free hand, wanting, wishing he could fix everything. She leaned into his touch and kissed his palm, and that simple gesture healed him, gave him the strength to put aside the clusterfuck in his heart and protect her.
“Let’s get you home and get it strapped.”
“Yeah.” Katy squeezed his hand again. “Thank you,” she mouthed.
The drive back to their house was quiet, Katy as lost in her own world as Levi was. The light he’d stopped at turned from red to green, and he moved automatically, following roads he’d travelled down more times than he could count, taking them home without conscious thought. He pulled into the drive and paused, looking at the now empty space next to his car where Connor had been parking.
“I should sell my bike. Make room for Con in the garage. He’s worked too hard on his car to have it sitting outside overnight.” He didn’t want to, but he would. Connor deserved it, deserved to have a place of his own.
Katy jerked in her seat to face him, alarm written on her features. “No, you shouldn’t.” Katy’s vehemence surprised him. He thought she’d appreciate getting rid of crates of unassembled bike parts and the frame which took up half the space in the garage. “That Harley is your baby. You can’t get rid of it.”
He sighed and shrugged, staring straight ahead. Cutting the engine, he sat back in the seat, dropping his hands to his lap. The need to make space in the garage would never have been an issue before, but now it was. Connor needed a place with them. He needed to know that their house was his home too. “I’m never gonna get around to fixing it. And let’s face it, I’m no mechanic.” The darkness in the car seemed to speak to him, whispering that his dream to fix the bike with Connor was dead. Was he overreacting? Probably, but he had to face reality. Connor was moving on. At the time Levi bought the Harley, it’d meant something to both of them. But things changed, and he had to as well. “I don’t even know where to start with it, and it’s not like I’ll ever ride it.” He ran his hand through his hair, sighing again. “I’ve got my car, so it’s a waste of space. And money. It was probably ridiculous to get one in the first place.”
Katy grabbed onto his arm, trying to twist him in the seat, but he couldn’t bear to look at her. “It wasn’t ridiculous, and there’s no reason why you can’t ride it if you get it put back together. You’ve always blamed your job, and I’ve let you, but it’s not gonna happen anymore. You deserve it. Keep the bike.”
He closed his eyes. Levi had never told her that he wanted to fix it up with Connor, kind of replacing the project Connor and his dad were supposed to work on together. He was embarrassed to admit that he’d wanted to give that experience to Connor, just as much as he wanted it for himself. “Yeah, but… I dunno. I s’pose I just need to wake up to the fact that it’ll never happen.”
Katy’s warm hands on his face had him leaning into her touch, shifting his gaze to her eyes. She’d moved, sitting on the console between them to get closer to him. “I know you, Lee. You don’t give up on anything that easily.” She shook her head, her eyes imploring. “Don’t start now. If you want it, reach out for it. You might be surprised.”
“And if I’m disappointed?” he asked, knowing it was a loaded question. He sensed that Katy understood he was talking about more than the bike as they sat together in the darkness of their driveway, cocooned in the car together. What exactly he was talking about was still a mystery though. He was waiting for all the pieces to fall into place, to suddenly make sense, but it was all out of focus, a blur. He did know that he was changing. Or maybe not so much changing as realizing something about himself.
“Then you’ll have tried.” Those four little words that Katy uttered, with nothing but sincerity in her voice, were more comforting than anything else she could have said. It was as if she got it, that she could see what Levi couldn’t yet. Like she was guiding him to where he needed to be to make sense of it.
He kissed her hand and pulled her close, burying his nose in her hair. She fit into his arms like she was made for him. And she was—Katy was his soulmate, the love of his life. Whatever the hell he was going through wouldn’t ever change that.
Levi paced the lounge room. He’d been doing that—pacing and slumping down on the couch staring at the blank TV screen, then pacing again—for hours. The predawn light had begun to breach the darkness of the night sky, but the sun held little solace for him. Katy had long ago fallen asleep, but even though he’d laid with her wrapped around him, he couldn’t do the same. And the more time he spent wearing a track into the hardwood flooring, the more frustrated and on-edge he became. Where is he? But he knew—Connor was with Miranda, probably in bed. There was nothing wrong with that, so why the hell did it feel like there was? It was irrational, sure, Levi would acknowledge that, but it didn’t make what was going on in Levi’s head any less real. Connor was out there enjoying himself with another woman. No, with a woman. They were both single and willing, so why was it grating on Levi? It wasn’t like Connor was cheating, but apparently in the dark of night, Levi was beyond the point of reason and logic.
Weary and dejected, Levi sprawled out on the couch with a coffee in hand. His head hurt and he was in a shitty mood. He was glad Katy was giving him some space. She’d woken up earlier and put the coffee machine on, brewing a mug and handing it to him when it was ready. She hadn’t even said anything to him before she went back to their room to get showered and dressed for the day. Guilt consumed him. He shouldn’t be feeling sorry for himself on the couch. He should have been with Katy, loving her like she deserved.
The key turning in the front door had him swallowing hard. He was home. Finally. Levi looked up when Connor called out to him. He was so damn happy, like he was riding a high. The sight broke something in Levi and made him lash out. With venom in his voice that Connor didn’t deserve, Levi stood and spat, “You haven’t lost it, mate. First date, I’m impressed.”
“It’s not what you think,” Connor replied. Levi huffed out a response and walked away. The angry mask he wore was slipping, his hurt bubbling just under the surface waiting to spill over. He couldn’t let Connor see how upset he was. He knew why. He understood there was something more than being scared of losing a friend. But he wasn’t going there. There was no way he’d let Katy think she wasn’t enough for him. She was. Levi just had to get his head out of his arse long enough to shake this shit out once and for all. He slammed down his mug in the sink, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes as he rested his hands on the edge of the kitchen bench. Breathing out slowly, he stood there for a moment. Get it together.
Hours later and Levi was still too wired to do anything other than clean. He groaned. Tired and miserable, he couldn’t stomach doing any more housework. He needed Katy; all he wanted was to hold her. She always managed to distract him when he got too stuck inside his head, but she was shopping with Emma for the day. It left Levi at home with Connor, not that he’d seen him. The other man had crashed almost as soon as he’d walked in, and hours later he was still asleep.
Pulling a bottle of water from the fridge, Levi downed half before leaning against the back of the couch. In the quiet of the house, he heard a door open and close, the shower turning on soon after. Knowing Connor was washing away the evidence of his activities the night before had Levi’s blood boiling. All the insecurity, the stress and the self-doubt he’d been dealing with exploded. Levi was shaking. Betrayed and hurt, he stewed on it, glaring at the closed door while the shower ran. He wanted to blast through it and shake his best friend. Why did he do it? Why did he hurt Levi so fucking much?
Connor opened the door, and Levi found himself moving without conscious thought. His hands pressed against Connor’s still damp skin, and he pushed him against the wall, stepping closer to him. “What the fuck, man?” Connor stuttered.
“Why’d you do it? Why?” Levi hissed.
“What?” Connor threw his hands in the air, before pushing back against Levi. “What the fuck did I do?”
“Stay with her.” Sure, he’d thought it, but he’d never intended to say it out loud. Hearing his thoughts voiced surprised Levi. By the wide-eyed stare and his mouth popping open, Connor was just as shocked.
“I didn’t,” he replied quietly. Connor’s hands were warm against his pecs through Levi’s shirt, and it sent a spark of awareness through him. “I dropped her off then went for a drive. I ended up in Byron. Stayed down there for breakfast.”
“Goddamn it,” Levi muttered, slamming the heel of his hand against the wall. The pictures rattled, and Connor’s grip on his hips tightened. His nostrils flared when Levi realized that he still had his hand on Connor’s shoulder. Curling it, he massaged the firm muscles under his fingertips. “I’m sorry, I’m an arse.”
Connor looked down, breaking their gaze. “Nothing happened between us. If it wasn’t for her kissing me, I wouldn’t have even done that. Is that fucked up? She wanted me, but I couldn’t do it.”
His friend was hurting and there he was wallowing in self-pity. “Why?”
He shook his head, sadness radiating from him. “Doesn’t matter.”
“Yeah, it does, mate. Talk to me.”
“I couldn’t do it, couldn’t bring myself to go inside her house. I need to get laid. I’m as horny as fuck. But when she offered, I turned her down. I’m fucking confused.”
Levi pulled him into a hug, needing to comfort him. “I’m sorry I was a jerk.”
“Why are you being a jerk?” Connor asked quietly, still holding Levi tightly. He pulled back just enough to look at him. Levi sighed. He knew why. Jealousy would be a great explanation, but there was no way he was voicing that.
“I don’t know,” he replied, equally as quiet. “You’re not the only one who’s confused.” Levi shivered and sucked in a breath when Connor ran his thumb down his side, following the line of his obliques. Shocked he’d liked it so much, Levi stepped back, breaking Connor’s hold. What was he doing? What was he thinking? He couldn’t touch Con, not like he’d been doing anyway. It was almost intimate. But Connor’s smooth olive skin, his cut muscles, and the bulge standing to attention underneath his low-slung towel begged to be admired. Levi clenched his jaw and took a few deep breaths to get a hold of himself again. He wasn’t attracted to his best friend. He couldn’t be. But the images scrolling through his mind painted a very different picture.
“We’ll work it out, mate.” Levi flinched when Connor punched him lightly on the arm before stepping out of reach. Watching him walk away, he could only nod.
Her feet hurt from walking, her cheeks hurt from laughing and her credit card hurt from all the new clothes she’d bought. But, her outfit for Levi’s birthday was sorted—a black lace jumpsuit with the tiniest little shorts and a plunging neckline paired with silver heels. She’d seen it and fallen immediately in love with it, and Emma had agreed.
“Okay, spit it out. I can tell something’s wrong.” Emma had stopped walking in the middle of the shopping centre. Arms full of bags, she looked ridiculous trying to cross them as she gave Katy a stern look. She couldn’t help but laugh at her new friend. The funny thing was, they’d spent barely any time together, and yet they’d developed this crazy connection. She just knew that she and Emma would be friends for years to come. No wonder her cousin had fallen madly in love with her.
Katy sobered. “I don’t even know where to start, to be honest.”
“Tea and cake? Or cookies?” Emma grinned at Katy and linked arms with her, dragging her to the nearest coffee shop. They ordered and found a table for two in the corner of the cafe, hidden away among rows of indie books and artwork for sale.
Emma took her hand and squeezed. “You don’t have to tell me anything, but if you want to talk about whatever it is that’s going on, I’m here. Sometimes it helps to speak to a near stranger. Even though it feels like we’ve known each other forever.”
“It does, doesn’t it? And thanks for the offer. I’m just… I dunno… I’m not really ready to talk about things, mainly because everything is kinda swirling around in my head, and I can’t make anything out. It’s like being stuck in fog. I don’t know how I feel about anything at the moment. I’m confused.”
“Can you focus on the things that make you happy? Block out the rest?” Emma took a sip of her tea, setting down the giant mug after.
Katy stirred her coffee, watching the spoon swirl patters through the frothed milk. “I am, but something happened last night which is making me rethink things.”
“Is it Levi?”
“I love him. More than anything.” Katy smiled, thinking of her man.
“But?”
“No buts. I’ll figure it out.” Katy smiled again, this time knowing that she would do just that. The truth was, things had become clear the night before. Sitting down at dinner, she’d known. The protectiveness, the worry the platonic love she’d had for Con since the first day she’d met him was really something deeper. It wasn’t the love between friends anymore. Perhaps it had never been. But she had Levi and never in a million years would she do anything to hurt him. He was far too important to her to do that to him. So as much as she loved Con, it’d only ever be friendship between them. “Lee and I are solid, and that’s the only thing that matters. The rest will sort itself out.”
“Do you have Levi’s birthday present sorted?”
“Um, yeah, sort of. Con’s helping me organize it.” Katy grinned and leaned forward. “We’re doing up his bike. Well, Con is anyway. I’m so damn excited about seeing him ride it when it’s eventually finished.” Dropping the spoon into her empty mug, she steeled her resolve. She had to get her runaway heart under control, and it needed to start right at that moment, especially because she was on her way home. He’d hooked up with Miranda the night before. And she and Levi were together. Katy had to remember that.
Arms weighed down with bags, Katy tried juggling her keys to unlock the front door, but it opened before she could grasp the right one. “Hi, Cupcake,” Con greeted her as he swung the door open. It only took a second for him to relieve her of all her bags so she could step inside. “You did well today by the looks of it.”
“I did.” She nodded and smirked. “I picked up my outfit for Lee’s party. And the shoes, oh my God, they’re beautiful.” Pointing to the smallest of the paper bags, a pink and black striped one, she added, “I picked up some cakes from work for you.”
Con moaned, and she rolled her eyes, laughing at him as they walked down the hallway into the living room. “Place looks great, what have you guys been up to?”
Levi piped in, smiling at her as he met her in the middle of the room. “I tidied a bit this morning, and we just watched a replay of last night’s footy match. I was just about to get dinner started.”
Katy wrapped her arms around Levi and kissed him soundly. “That’s so sweet, thank you.”
“Anytime, sugar.” Levi motioned to the bags Con dropped on the couch. “What’s in there?”
“A few treats.” She was being coy, but she didn’t want to ruin the surprise.
“Urgh, fine.” He pouted, letting her go. “Go relax. Con and I are cooking. Hope you feel like a barbie.” With a finger under her chin, he tilted up her face and kissed her softly, his lips lingering on hers.
She cupped his face and leaned in close. “Love you, babe.”
“Love you too. Now go. Outta my kitchen.”
Katy laughed. It was anything but Levi’s kitchen. He could cook two things—barbecued snags and toast—and usually both were burnt. She slapped his butt playfully and ducked out of his reach before he could tickle her. Picking up her bags from the couch she poked her tongue out at him and ran out of the room, avoiding Con’s outstretched arm.
He followed her into her bedroom. Standing there, leaning on the doorframe he looked effortlessly sexy. Katy’s heart flip-flopped and took a nosedive when she thought of him being with Miranda.
“I got a message back from Addy, my friend. She said she’d be happy to come over.” At Katy’s blank stare, he continued, looking sheepish, “Adelaide, the one with the toys.”
“Oh, really?” Katy was stunned. “Okay, um... now what?”
“Call her up.” He handed her a black business card with The Warehouse printed on one side of it in silver block lettering. On the other was a mobile number. “She’s free on Saturday night. Give her your address and she’ll come over.” He shrugged. “Other than that, be honest about what you want to experience. Let her help you choose. It’s what she does.” She’d looked at Adelaide’s website with the login details Connor had given her a few days earlier. Her range of toys on the public part of her website was only the tip of the iceberg. She held private tutorials on their use, which were perfect for inexperienced users like herself. Adelaide did couples coaching too—some with physical disabilities, others with relationship problems and some who just wanted to explore a kink in a safe environment. One of the kinks she’d found information on was threesomes. And by the looks of it, they were one of Adelaide’s specialist areas. The images were graphic, but inspiring. Katy had spent hours analyzing every one, imagining exactly how her, Levi, and Con could fit together like the trios in the pictures. Katy would love to speak with Adelaide about the possibility, but she was clueless on how to raise it with her boyfriend.
At least she knew that Adelaide could help if they ever decided to explore that option. In nearly all of the images on her website, she was in the room, observing the couple or trio, guiding and praising them. She and Levi already had a pretty damn amazing sex life, but… what if?
“What about you?” she asked hesitantly. She wasn’t really sure whether she was asking Con to go out or stay. She wanted him there, wanted him to be a part of them, but...
“What about me?” Con asked, confused. “I’ll go out,” he said as if it were a no-brainer. “I wouldn’t want to cramp your style with me being in the other room.”
The fact that he’d spoken to his friend suggested something so out of the box in the first place and had done it all for them, made Katy’s heart expand. But there was a tinge of disappointment too, knowing it was another thing Con wouldn’t be a part of. Not that Levi would go for that. She was sure that her growing feelings for Con were as transparent as glass to Levi. There was no way he hadn’t figured out that she was falling in love with him. He had quickly become as dear to Katy as Levi was. Her love for Levi hadn’t lessened—he was the love of her life and always would be, but she couldn’t deny it anymore. If she was truthful, she’d always wanted him. Katy was attracted to both of them the minute she’d met them. Years ago, she’d thought it was mutual—she’d seen Con staring at her and had mistaken it for desire. It was so intense, so raw that his stare had taken her breath away. But then he’d looked at Levi the same way. And Con was as straight as an arrow. There was no way that look he’d cast their way was desire. It couldn’t have been. And then he’d left, and her heart had broken. A piece of her soul went with him to the Middle East, but now that he was back, she couldn’t help but hope. Of course, she had no idea what she was hopeful of, but as long as it involved Con in their lives, she’d be happy.
“I’ll probably have a gig anyway,” Con said jarring her back into the present.
“Wait, what? A gig?” He filled her in on his impromptu concert at breakfast that morning and how after speaking with the owner, he’d lined up a trial which, if he could pull it off, would possibly turn into a few gigs a week. Katy squealed and jumped forward, wrapping her arms around his waist. Levi jogged in withconcern on his face.
“What’s going on?”
“Connor’s new job.” She couldn’t help the excitement in her voice.
“What new job?” He looked between them, confused.
“You didn’t tell him?” she asked incredulously, squeezing Con tighter. She could smell his aftershave, feel the ripple of lean muscle along his chest as he tucked her under his arm, holding her close. She patted his stomach and added, “He’s auditioning to play at a few pubs and cafes between here and Byron. Isn’t that fantastic?”
“Dude, that’s great.” Levi stepped close and wrapped an arm around Con. The other one found her, pressing against the small of her back. Being enveloped in their arms, their strong embrace protective and loving, Katy was at home. All the pieces clicked into place. She wanted both of them. Would Levi be enough? Always. But with Con, that missing piece, the extra part of them which had been torn away when he’d left, leaving a gaping chasm in their hearts, slotted back into place. She pulled back, extracting herself from the midst of the hug to watch the two of them together, and damn.
Seeing them together, in something as simple as an embrace, had Katy wishing they were into each other—the three of them could be together then. Imagining Levi’s familiar bulky shoulders and sculpted chest sliding against Con’s leaner one, their bodies aligned and their tongues tangling as they kissed, they would be beautiful—like two caged wild animals, ferocious yet graceful in the most primal of ways. They could help each other too—Levi’s passion would show Con how much he was loved, and Con would encourage Levi not to focus so much on living every second of life as the perfect Boy Scout. The morals clause in his contract with the studio had him second guessing so many of his actions that Katy wondered sometimes whether he needed the rush from the work he did to feel alive. But would they be happy? The two men had been friends since they were five. They’d grown up together. They’d shared everything. After Con’s deadbeat dad had gone and got himself killed, Con had even lived with Levi’s family. They were closer than brothers—best friends forever, minus the tackiness. If they found each other, if they fell in love, why would they need her? They wouldn’t need or want her. She’d be in the way and would lose both of them. As the realization hit, Katy dropped her arms and stumbled back. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Their being together was a pipedream, one of those ridiculous notions that would never happen. She had to repeat the mantra to herself. The thought of losing the love of her life and her best friend to each other would be too painful to bear.
“When’s your first gig?” Levi asked.
“Thursday night.” He looked nervous. It was endearing when he shrugged his shoulder and flashed a sheepish smile her way. “Wanna come?”
“Are you kidding? We wouldn’t miss it.” Levi paused and asked quietly, “Will Miranda be there?”
“I dunno. Do you want her there?” The question was directed at both of them. She hated watching Miranda falling for Connor, but she couldn’t—no wouldn’t—stand in the way of his happiness. If he wanted her there, she had to encourage him.
“Sure, I don’t mind.” She was sure they’d pick up on the hollowness of her tone.
“Okay.” Con nodded, but the look on his face—the resigned pull of his mouth, his lacklustre eyes—said it all. He wasn’t happy. Would it be too much to hope for him not to invite her along? “I’ll think about it. I dunno whether it’s a good idea for her to be there when I’m tryin’ to get the job.”