I arrived at the office, breathing deeply and looking at my reflection to see that my breasts were not exactly shy. I wasn’t wearing a bra and those naughty pointed buds could be easily seen with the naked eye. I could always claim that it was the air conditioning, but I knew better. This was my excitement getting out of hand. I actually felt like I was going to pass out, but I managed to stay standing and looking at his door.
It was still early and then I heard something that made me stop with my hand on the doorknob to his office. I thought that it was a man moaning and I got a vision of him putting into practice an old remedy for his arousal. I wanted to see it, but I didn’t want to interrupt his fascination with his own body.
I was about to go in, but then I stopped short with a female voice joining his. “Oh, god…you have to stop this. It doesn’t seem to matter where we are and I need to put my foot down. Some things are better left unsaid. Jesus…don’t do that and you know that I get weak at the knees when you do that.” The woman had to be Julia. I could hope that it wasn’t. That she was coming here as we speak to catch him in the act of being with somebody else. It was only wishful thinking.
“I don’t know what your problem is and it’s not like anybody’s going to be here for at least another hour. I say that we take full advantage of the time that we have together and not waste it. I’m trying to make up for lost time. I’ve always had this crush on you, Julia. You probably thought that I was clumsy when I dropped my fork every time that you were near, but that was by design. I wanted to see you bend over and that short skirt that you wear at the diner leaves little to the imagination. I may not be that same man anymore, but that doesn’t stop me from panting after you.” August was pressuring her into doing something in a semi-public forum.
“I don’t know why I even bother to wear panties. You get one look at them and you take them off. You say that I look a whole lot better without them. I do find that a compliment, but it also makes it so that I’m very self-conscious about my body when I’m at the diner. Every time that I bend over, my skirt rides up, but I have learned to bend at the knees.” The guys that were her clients must’ve got a cheap thrill out of seeing her like that.
“You know that I love to live vicariously through those men that try to make you feel like a piece of meat. I won’t do that, but I would love to show up when they are getting a little frisky.” August might have changed, but there was still a part of him that was lingering underneath that drastic transformation.
“I hope that you never lose the way that you look at me. I like the way that you make me feel like the only woman in the room. I’ve never felt so alive. I need you to be with me and to stay with me through thick and thin. I’m glad that you are willing to contemplate a commitment. I know that you had a crush on me, but what you didn’t know is that I had a crush on you. I don’t know how many times I wondered what it would be like to find you in the diner after hours and christen each and every booth.” Julia sounded like a woman with a sexual appetite that was unsurpassed.
“The skirt that you’re wearing is making me too hot to handle. There’s no reason for you to fight me. It’s not like you don’t want this. I can see the way that your legs are shaking at the very idea of doing something in my office. It makes you desperate to throw caution to the wind” I was tempted to interrupt, but I was more curious to know how far they were going to go.
“I don’t have time for this. I know that’s disappointing, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t do something. I could conceivably give you some pleasure. I know how you get when I’m performing a certain sexual act. The way that you squirm and look down at me is priceless. It’s something that I want to repeat over and over again.” Julia was suggesting giving him the benefit of her mouth. I didn’t know what compelled me, but I needed to see this for myself.
Julia was on her knees. You wouldn’t know it from looking at her that she was a slut, but the whore underneath the fancy clothing was now emerging to consume him. I should’ve cleared my throat and brought this to an end, but I was essentially frozen to the spot like my feet couldn’t move.
He was holding onto her hair and shifting gears by moving his hips to supply her with the heavyweight of his manhood on her tongue. I could see her head bobbing up and down with her hair flying everywhere. I wanted to say something.
“I’m glad… I’m so fucking glad that you are a woman that likes to do this. You’re not just going through the motions and there is real joy in your technique. If you’re not careful, this is going to end prematurely. I don’t think either one of us wants that to happen.” I knew that from the sound of it that he was a hair trigger. They could’ve been teasing each other for hours until they had to finally do something about it.
I wanted to see what god had blessed him with. I had this fascination and image in my head that I wanted to compare to the original. Unfortunately, the angle was making it difficult to see anything of substance.
That jealousy that I had felt when he had first told me about her had come back in waves. It was making me nauseous and I wanted to be sick to my stomach.
I could hear her submitting to his will. It was a sound better heard in the privacy of a bedroom than here at the office. I wasn’t sure if I could ever look at that desk again. He was leaning back against it, his pants down around his ankles and his hips moving with the insistence of her oral consumption.
I finally had enough and I closed the door quietly. I didn’t need to see this come to its inevitable end. I had to do something. I went back to the elevator and I made enough noise that they would have to stop what they were doing. I felt bad that I was taking that away from him, but I also felt elated that I was stopping them from showing that kind of affection.
“I know that you are going to be so happy with what I have come up with. I just couldn’t wait to come in to tell you all about it. I came up with a design for those three buildings that is going to knock your socks off. I know that we only have a couple weeks. This design will go on the front of each of those buildings.” I breathed deeply, hoping that they could hear my raised voice and get themselves presentable before I walked in on something that was going to make me go blind.
I had seen more than enough, but not near as much as I was hoping for. I just needed her to move out of the way for a second, but she was glued to the spot.
I opened the door and Julia was sitting there with her long black hair fanning out down her back. I could see from the way the other hand was moving that she was reapplying her lipstick. I could almost guess where that lipstick went. She had marked her territory down the length of him.
"I wasn’t expecting you so early. I don’t see that there’s any reason for us to put off the inevitable. I’ve been meaning to get the two of you together, but our schedules really didn’t match up.” As if to beat him to the punch, Julia stood and faced me in a designer blue and black outfit. I couldn’t understand why she was wearing something like this when she worked at a diner.
“Amanda, I have heard nothing but good things about you from August. He seems to think that we will get along famously. I do admit that I have had some problems dealing with you both working long hours. He promised me that there was nothing untoward going on. I think that it is high time that we meet.” She had her hand outstretched and I wanted to slap it away and tell her that he was mine. I couldn’t do that without laying all of my cards on the table.
One way or the other, I was going to have to put on a brave face and make nice for the sake of appearances. I could see the way that she was looking at me, drawing her eyes down over my body, until she smiled with that telling sneer that had me wondering if she knew what I was up to.
“August has spoken about you often. I don’t know if he knows of any other subject than some quirky little thing that you do that makes him smile. He seems happy and you have to know that he’s not the same man that he used to be. He still looks. You must have noticed those errant glances toward other women.” She looked confused and this was my way to seed some doubt in her mind about their relationship. “I don’t know what it is about men. They can’t settle for what they have without thinking that they can do better.” I didn’t want to lay it on too thick, or I would alienate both of them and make it impossible for us to work together.
“I’ve had my fair share of men that can’t seem to take no for an answer. August comes into the diner once a week and has the same pecan pie. I’m not foolish and I know the reason why he comes in. I turned him down several times, but a few weeks ago there was something different in the way that he approached me. I got this feeling that you might have had something to do with his change of attitude towards women. It sometimes takes a strong and confident woman to put a man in his place. If I have you to thank for that, then I should really show you my appreciation in some way. I know and I could have you over for dinner one on one.” I could tell that she was baiting me and hoping that I was going to grab onto the line like a jerking fish out of the water.
“I think that is a great idea. My two best girls getting along is my fondest wish. I would love to be a fly on the wall, but I have other business that I need to take care of tonight. I have an old friend that’s coming into pitch an idea for an investment that I would be a damn fool to turn down. While we are drinking in his hotel room, I would feel so much better that both of you are looking after each other. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to finish my business. It could be all night, or I could show up in time for the pillow fight.” I wasn’t stupid, but I could tell that August was oblivious to the way that we were sizing each other up.
“Since you have asked so nicely, I don’t see that there’s any reason for me to reject your offer out of hand.” She smiled, but it was not the smile of someone that trusted me beyond reproach. This was the smile of someone that wanted to put me on notice and the best way to do that was to catch me in a trap of her making.
“I’m not going to tell you what we’re going to have. I’m going to surprise you with something that I have been dabbling in the kitchen with. Don’t worry, if it is not to your liking, there will still be that pecan pie that August raves about. I make it from scratch and the diner put it on their menu because one taste and everybody was hooked. I won’t take up any more of your time. I know that the both of you have a lot of work to do and I would hate to interfere in any way. I have to get to class.” Julia had me at a loss for words and I felt a little nervous to be in her presence.
“Class? What are you taking if you don’t mind me asking?” I thought that she was just this diner girl that had aspirations to be something that she wasn’t.
“I’m surprised that he hasn’t told you. I’m in my last year of medical school. I’m only working at the diner to help my Aunt and make a few dollars on the side. Next year, I won’t be able to lend her hand, because I will be too busy putting in long hours at the hospital on rotation. It’s a lot of hard work, but the payoff is worth it in the end. It’s what I do and I think that you can agree that once you find something that you want it’s hard to let that go.” I wasn’t sure if she was referring to our careers or the man that was standing there having no idea that we were talking in code.
“I know exactly what you’re talking about. Once you find something that you’re good at it’s not that easy to walk away. Sometimes you don’t know what you have until it’s taken away. Sometimes you don’t know how good you have it until it’s too late.” I could play that game as well as she could.
She walked out of the office and my first perception of her was not exactly what I thought it was. This was going to be a tough nut to crack.
* * *
There was that elephant in the room that neither one of us was willing to speak of. Julia had laid down the gauntlet and was daring me to cross the line. I was sure that I had given her food for thought. It was possible that she was no longer seeing me as a colleague of August’s. I did like that she saw me as a threat, even though our body types were not exactly the same. She was the kind that was influenced by the airbrushed models in magazines growing up. My body type was different than others. I had to contend with a big boned statue. It wasn’t something that I could do anything about. I’d learned to live with some of my insecurities, but with her being in August’s life made it difficult for me to feel like I could measure up.
“I have to say that your designs put my preliminary drawings to shame. Working together, we’ve come up with something that will give our client a reason to give his approval. I’ll send this off to him at the end of the day. I’ve been meaning to tell you how much it means to me that you have taken an interest in Julia. I really want to make this work. I’ve never been in love and I’ve tried to stop myself from saying those three words with any woman. In the last few weeks, I’ve come close to saying them to her, but I have been reluctant to do so. If you have any advice, I would love to hear from a woman’s point of view.” August was asking me for love advice and how was I supposed to turn down an opportunity to throw a monkey wrench into their relationship.
“It’s been my personal opinion and experience that men say those three words too quickly. They rarely mean it. They only say it because they feel obligated. I don’t want you to do that, especially if you don’t feel it deep down. It’s not fair for you to say something that you don’t feel. Take my advice and you’ll know when it’s right.” He was nodding his head like I was saying something that made sense.
“I just don’t want to lose her because I wasn’t upfront with my intentions. The one thing that I don’t want is to be is alone.” He was finding that committing to one woman was making him break out in hives. I could see him scratching his neck every so often and those three words were really weighing heavily on his mind.
“Anything that is worth doing is worth doing the right way. It takes a lot of hard work and compromises to make a relationship stand up to the test of time. I don’t think that I’m telling you anything that you don’t already know. Women wear their emotions on their sleeve and men seem to shelter themselves from showing any kind of feelings whatsoever. It makes for a different kind of dance. Don’t do anything too rash and risk chasing her away. Besides, you never know and maybe she’s not the one for you.” With that in mind, I bent over and I could see that he was taking notice of the swell of my breasts right in his face.
“I hope that you didn’t feel that I was putting you on the spot by agreeing to her suggestion about the both of you having dinner together. I would never want to put you in a position that you didn’t feel comfortable. I’ve learned that…Oh, Jesus…the hard way.” He stumbled over his words and I could see that bead of sweat trickling down the edge of his nose. It was obvious that I was getting to him and I was surprised that he was able to keep his hands off of me. How could I let him leave and disappear without a trace? He was the only one that knew me at all. I couldn’t watch him leave and not do something about it.
I didn’t want to shed a tear over a relationship that had never amounted to anything more than flirting. I wanted him to take a look at me and not see the empty space of my heart looking back at him. The memory of his face every night haunted me and mocked me into thinking that I had done the wrong thing by pushing him away. I had to find a way to make him turn around in my direction. I had so much that I needed to say to him that it was hard to sit here and do nothing about the heat between us.
“It’s a good idea for me to have dinner with Julia. I can be your eyes and ears. Not many men get the opportunity have a member of the opposite sex play defense. I can learn how she truly feels by getting her to loosen her lips over a bottle of wine that I’m going to bring with me for the occasion.” I could see that the tent in his pants had not gone down from the moment that I had arrived at the office. I was sure that it had something to do with her servicing him, but that would not explain the fact that he was still sporting something that would scare little old ladies on a bus.
“I never thought of it that way. Having a best friend that is of the opposite sex has its advantages.” The sun had dipped below the horizon and the glow of the different colors gave the office this romantic atmosphere that was hard to deny
“Just call me your secret weapon. I want you to find the one that is going to make you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face. If she does that for you, then I think that it would be in your best interest to use me. Some girls are only after one thing and I’m not talking about what is in between your legs. Some girls like to find a man that is going to help them live without the necessity of working a day in their lives. I don’t see that from Julia. I am worried that she might be equating you with her father. That’s not very healthy.” This little bug in his ear would cause him to wonder and that was exactly what I was hoping for.
“I’m meeting my friend in about an hour and I really do need to go home and freshen up. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.” That was a statement that was used when a bartender was closing up at that 2:00 AM hour. “I’m not lying when I say that I would love to be a fly on the wall. You are going to be my Cyrano. I feel good about this. I hope that you don’t feel that I’m putting too much pressure on you.” I was bent over with that dress riding up and showing the plumpness of my two round peaches in a thong.
I could hear him gasp and I had no choice but to smile at his discomfort. I was really making it hard on him metaphorical and figuratively speaking. He couldn’t hide the uniform of his arousal. The outline was quite something. I wanted to see it. I was hungry to see it and to show it the kind of appreciation that it deserved.
“I don’t feel any pressure whatsoever. It will be my honor to gauge her and find out if marriage is something that she is even considering. I get this feeling that you haven’t talked about that subject or even kids for that matter. It might be good to know where she stands on certain subjects before you go any further. I’m guessing that the sex is good.” I turned and saw him looking away. It had me wondering if they had even gotten out of the gate.
“I don’t know if we should be talking about my love life like this, but I need to talk to someone. We haven’t gone all the way. It’s not from lack of trying that’s for sure. She’s still worried that I’m that same little boy acting like a hormonal teenager. I tried to convince her otherwise, but she says that if I truly care for her that I will be happy to wait.” This was music to my ears. I thought that I was in a losing battle, but if they hadn’t even done anything other than some oral then I still had a chance to turn his head.
I pretended to stumble on my heels and I landed in his arms with his hands grabbing onto the first thing that he could to break my fall. Those hands were squeezing my melons. I tried to feign surprise, but he was doing very little to stop himself from touching me. I was sure that he could feel my nipples poking into his hand. Without a bra, I was putting it all out there.
“I’m usually not this clumsy. I’m glad that you were here, or that could’ve been disastrous.” I didn’t stop him from holding me like that. I liked the way that his palm brushed across my nipples and caused them to break out in tiny Goosebumps around the edges. “You are my hero.” His mouth was parted and I could see his eyes grow wide like saucers. He stared at my breasts where his hands were currently connected to
I was hoping that he was going to find himself powerless to my advances. I thought for a moment that he was going to trash this office by making a permanent imprint of my ass on his desk.
He shook his head and looked at his watch. That was when I knew that the spell had been broken. “Well…Um… I have to go.” I thought for sure that his pants were on fire. He rushed out of the office and practically tripped over his own 2 feet. “I’ll see you…in the morning and you can give me a blow by blow of what happened. I’ll be talking to her tonight. There’s no doubt that she’s going to tell me everything that was said. I’m going to count on you to give me the unbiased truth.” He slammed the door and I put my two hands on the desk to steady my nerves and prevent myself from rushing out and jumping him like a tiger after its prey.
I didn’t know how hard it was to be around him. The origin of my lust came from him putting the moves on me. I could still feel his hands on my breasts. I sat down in his chair, feeling the warmth of his body where he had just vacated. I basked in the heady scent of his cologne. It made me feel like I was becoming obsessed to the point of being unhealthy.
I put my feet up on his desk with my legs spread and my hand touching on the inside of my thighs. I could’ve easily done something to relieve that tension, but there was no time. I had to go home and find something casual. I couldn’t show up to dinner with Julia looking like this. It would’ve been like waving a red flag at a raging bull that was ready to charge. I needed to change her opinion about me so that there was no doubt that I was a confidant and not someone sniffing around her man.
* * *
I stood there at her door, carrying the bottle of wine and feeling ready to play this game. I was dressed to give her the idea that I was at home in a pair of jeans. They were one of my prize possessions. I really did look good in them. You could see me coming and going. I was wearing a bulky white sweater to tone down my obvious assets that were a bit more than she could even wish to have.
I wasn’t comfortable with this kind of deceit. I almost canceled, but I knew that this was my way to break them up from the inside. I didn’t feel good about it, but I would do practically anything to get my man. I never thought that I had this instinctual need to fight for what I wanted. I didn’t know until I was put into the position where I had to find out.
I looked around at the neighborhood and it had that suburban feel where kids were inevitable. I could tell a lot from where she lived. It was clear that she wanted that white picket fence with a man and the children to go along with that happy picture. Several kids played soccer in the street. I could smell the sweetness of the flowers blooming by her doorstep.
I knocked on the door with my heart in my throat. I thought for sure that I was going to chicken out and run at the last second. I heard her footsteps approaching and then the door opened to reveal that she was playing the same part that I was. She had let her hair down by putting it into pigtails to give off that innocent quality. I wasn’t stupid. I knew that she was only doing that to make me feel at home so that I would let my guard down.
“I was wondering when you were going to get here. Dinner is almost ready, but we have a few minutes before we sit down. I see that great minds think alike.” She showed me what she was talking about by moving her hand that was out of sight behind her back so that I could see that she was also holding a bottle of wine. “I know that I could use a drink. Make yourself comfortable and I’ll be right back with a couple of glasses. I never did take into consideration that you might be allergic to something.” She was already moving and it was obvious that she wanted to get as much distance from me as she could to ready herself for the sparring match that was going to take place.
I went into the living room and her style was quite eclectic. There wasn’t really anything that went together. If I looked at it as a whole, there was some method to her madness. I sat down on a red couch.
I looked at the photos of her and her family. I saw that she was the youngest of all of them. They looked like a happy bunch and I felt sort of guilty for trying to undermine her relationship with August. It wasn’t going to stop me from grilling her mercilessly but in a very subtle way.
“I do hope that you enjoy chicken parmesan as much as I do. I put my own spin on it and there is a bit more spice to tickle the palate. I like to take normal everyday food and turn it into something extraordinary. I’ve always been under the adage that the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” She passed me the glass of wine and I took a sip, even though I wanted to down the contents to numb my senses. “Let me get right to the point before dinner. I don’t trust you. I see the way that you look at him and it’s a lot more than admiration.” It appeared that she was going to be blunt. I was going to have to play this just right or risk her getting her ire up.
“There’s nothing for you to worry about. Just because I like the view doesn’t mean that I’m going to buy the land. You can’t possibly believe that he’s a one-woman kind of man. He has admitted to having the flaw of wanting to experience new things. I can’t be with a man like that, no matter if he does look like a GQ model right out of the magazine. Besides, do I really look like his type? I don’t mean to put myself down, but look at you and then look at me.” I once again gave her more to think about without coming out and saying that she was going to get her hair pulled out if she tried anything with August.
I thought that my heart was frozen, but when I heard him say my name it was enough to make me smile. He had this tendency to drive me wild by just being in the same room. I kinda missed the way that he flirted and tried to make me blush.
“I see what you’re saying. I’ve seen all the signals and I’m not sure that he can get away from his past. I’m trying hard to understand the man. It does break my heart to even think about him stepping out on me. I’ve tried to keep him at an arm’s length, but it’s difficult when the only thing that I can think about is putting him to the test in the bedroom to see if we are compatible.” I could see that she was using that sisterly bond to make me a confidant.
“I don’t mean to be a poison pill. I’m not suggesting that he doesn’t have some redeeming qualities. If you are putting off sleeping with him, then that might be best. We both know that once we go that far that there’s more than an emotional connection. I would be lying to myself if I didn’t say that I did want him. I fantasize about what it would be like to be with him, but I can’t take that risk. I’ve had my heart broken too many times to go down that road again.” I was purposely being truthful and giving her the idea that procrastinating was best until she was able to figure out if he was the kind of guy that could be trusted not to stray.
“I admire your candor and you could have told me that you were not even interested. I wouldn’t have believed you for a second, but saying it up front makes me feel better. I fantasize about that moment myself too many times to count. It has left me with sleepless nights and this desperate need to cling to him. I don’t want to be the kind of woman that will always wonder if his late nights are more than they are supposed to be. I don’t want to be waiting up for him and smell somebody’s perfume or see that lipstick on his collar.” She had all but convinced herself that he wasn’t the kind of man that was made for suburban life.
I’d just fed into her doubts about his character. I wasn’t putting him down, but I wasn’t putting him in a good light either. I gave her reason to take a step back.
“I know that some people think that life is too short, but we need to protect ourselves. There are too many men that say one thing and do another. They might mean well, but that wandering eye is something that has been ingrained into them. It could be the influence of their father or maybe lack of a parental figure. I really can’t say for sure. I think that you noticed that August keeps his personal life close to the vest.” I got the feeling that she thought that this was going to be her way of telling me to stop thinking about him at all. I had turned the tables and we were now talking like old friends.
“I would like to use you as a conduit between him and myself. I know that I’m asking you to spy on him for me. Being women, we have to stand by one another. I think that we can table this conversation until after dinner. I have been slaving over the stove for the past couple of hours and I would really like to hear your opinion of my creation.” She had on a long blue shirt that covered her jeans almost down to the knees.
I followed her despite my misgivings until I was sitting down and waiting for her to fuel my appetite. She put the food in front of me and the aroma hit me like a ton of bricks. She really did like to play with spices. I was afraid that I was going to burn the roof of my mouth off. I took one bite and it had subtle overtones of heat, but not enough to make me go running for the water.
“I would say that if medical school didn’t work out that you have a real gift for cooking. I don’t see any reason why culinary school has to be out of the question. The Cordon Bleu is an accredited school and one that you could learn a lot from.” I really did mean what I was saying, but on the other hand, it seemed like I was pushing her in a different direction. “Are you sure that medicine is your true calling? You don’t just dabble in the kitchen; you create masterpieces with your bare hands. This is something that you should share with the rest of the world. I see the way that you smile at my comments and you love the praise for your food.” This was a good way to lead her by the hand into another vocation.
“All of my brothers are doctors and I thought that it was my purpose in life to follow in their footsteps. My mother is a Physician and my father is a professor of medical studies. To be honest, I never really did think that I had what it took to be a doctor. I only did it to appease them. I do love cooking, but I never thought that I could make it my career. Do you really think that I have the talent to make it my life?” There was no point in lying to her. I was sure that she was waiting for someone to tell her that it was okay to live for herself and not for her family.
“You’ve thought about this before. You can’t sit there and tell me that I’m the only one that has raved about your food. Anybody that sits down to something that you make with your love of cooking would have to tell you. Doesn’t August find your food to die for?” I waited for her response, but it didn’t stop me from eating everything on my plate and having this desperate need to lick it afterward.
“August is not exactly an unbiased audience. You have been a breath of fresh air. I don’t feel like I have to be something that I’m not around you. I think under other circumstances that we could’ve been fast friends. I’m just not sure that we can be friends with the both of us having eyes on the same man. I know that you would never do anything about your attraction and that does help me to sleep at night. You shouldn’t put yourself down. You say that you are not his type, but I think any man that finds himself close to you will feel differently. I don’t want to ever hear you make disparaging comments about your appearance. You deserve that man that is going to put you on a pedestal.” I thought for sure that I was going to hate her, but I found myself liking her despite the fact that she was with August.
“It’s not my place to say, but if you are truly thinking about changing direction in your life then maybe keeping things cool in the bedroom is a good idea. You must know that there’s no place that he wants to be than here. I’m not suggesting that you break it off with him and far from it. I’m just saying that it would be better to air on the side of caution.” I came over here precisely to sabotage any chance of them getting into the bedroom. She had all but done that for me.
“You do make sense on paper, but have you seen him? It’s a wonder that I haven’t lost my mind and done something already. I want to and you have no idea how much it hurts me every time that he leaves with a deep and longing kiss. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to resist him. I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t want any man to have that kind of power over me, but I can’t help the way that I feel. I don’t know if this is love, but there is definitely an infatuation that needs to be dealt with sooner than later.” I had tried everything that I could to chill the air of her excitement.
“Don’t you think that we all do foolish things because of a pretty face and a body to match? That is the danger of dating. You never know when one date will turn into a one night stand or if it’s going to be something more lasting. I see that you come from a big family. It gives me the idea that maybe you want a big family of your own. Your parents are still together, but are they truly happy or are they just staying with each other for the kids?” I wanted to know if marriage and children were something that she saw in her future.
“I’m the only girl in the family. I sometimes wonder if my parents are happy. They don’t see each other that much. It’s almost like they want it that way. I don’t think that my brothers have any idea that there might be trouble in paradise. I want my parents to show some affection, but I don’t think that they have the capacity for that kind of public display of affection. I do want marriage and kids, but only when it feels right. Everything has to fall into place in exactly the right way and at exactly the right time. I don’t see that there’s anything wrong with having a bit of fun. August might not be walking down the aisle anytime soon, but there is chemistry that needs to be taken out of the laboratory.” I could see that fire. It wasn’t the same way that I felt for August, but it certainly would leave him no other choice but to drop his pants.
“Men might not seem incapable of showing emotion, but we both know that they feel deeply. I don’t want you to use him and then to toss him aside when you’re done with him. Remember, I still have to work with him and having him moping around the office is not going to be good for anybody.” I left it at that, feeling like I had done what I had come over here to do, but in an entirely different way.
* * *
“I know that you wanted me to get the skinny on her and I think that I did that. I’m just not sure if I should share with you something that she told me in confidence. It would be wrong. I think that I’m going to need some convincing to betray her trust.” I’d found him lamenting over what Julia had done when he came over after getting knock down drunk with his friend.
“I acted like an idiot last night. I fell into the same habits. I shouldn’t have gone over to see her in that state. I was feeling horny. That’s no excuse, but it is an explanation. Let’s just say that she wasn’t very receptive to a booty call at midnight. I didn’t want to make her feel dirty. She probably thought of herself as nothing but a piece of meat. The slam of the door in my face sobered me up very quickly. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just need to know from you if I’m wasting my time. I need to make amends, but I don’t want to grovel unless I think that this is going someplace.” I had him by the short hairs and I could twist her words in my favor.
“You should’ve treated me like a sponsor last night. If you had called me and told me what you were planning, I would’ve cut you off at the pass. We all do stupid things in the name of so-called love. I’m guessing that you didn’t feel very good about how you felt after seeing your friend. You wanted to make yourself feel better by going to her and getting some of that tender loving care. You should’ve gone home and slept it off. By making an ass of yourself, you took away all the hard work that you’ve accomplished up to this point. I have some good news and some bad news.” I was going to be straight up with him and not sugarcoat it in any way.
“By all means, tell me the good news first and then you can drop the bombshell of the bad news.” I had him as a captive audience and there was no way that he was going to leave that spot before I told him what I needed to say.
“The good news is that she does want kids and marriage. The bad news is that she’s not sure that you’re capable of that kind of commitment. I’m not even sure that it matters, considering that she’s thinking about walking away from her medical studies for something more her passion. I don’t want to go into detail, but she has confessed to me that she’s only going to be a doctor because she thinks that she’s obligated to do so.” I found it easy to tell him what she had told me in confidence. I had nothing invested in her future, but mine was an entirely different matter altogether.
“I knew that coming from a big family that was a possibility. She has told me several times about growing up with overachievers. I should’ve seen that she wasn’t happy with her current direction in life. I don’t think that you have to tell me what she really wants to do. Cooking is something that she excels that. I would be damn fool to stand in her way and maybe it’s best that I let her go before things go too far.” I didn’t have to say anything. He had come to that conclusion on his own. I was just afraid that he was the kind that was going to pull the Band-Aid off slowly instead of quickly.
“I wouldn’t blame you for following her. If you really think that you have a future with her, then you need to tell her that whatever she decides that you will stand by her.” I was being a good friend and squeezing his shoulders while he was sitting there at the desk. It was a good way to remind him that I wasn’t going anywhere.
“That’s just it. I don’t know if we do have a future. I can’t ask her to wait for me when her passion is calling her. I have no interest in leaving, especially if we are only dating. I will say that the last few weeks have been fun and that’s without the sex.” I still couldn’t believe that in the few weeks that they had been seeing each other that they didn’t consummate. What I had seen was something for them to relieve any expectation. I doubt that he was the only one that was on the receiving end of oral foreplay.
“To be devil’s advocate, you still don’t know where she stands. The only way that you’re going to find out is to sit her down and have a frank discussion. This is no time to shy away from ‘the talk’. It’s better that you know now than to think that you have something and then learn that it wasn’t as strong as you thought it was. I would never try to tell you that she wasn’t right for you. That’s something that you’re going to have to decide for yourself. I just think that it would be better for the both of you to either step back or take things to the next level. I don’t know Julia that well, but what I do know is that she is an honest person. If you ask her out right, I’m sure that she will tell you what you might not want to hear. Be sure that you want to know the truth. It’s one thing to think that you do, but another when you are given a dose of reality.” I had tried to manipulate his feelings, but I was feeling that guilt for turning their words against them.
I actually found myself liking Julia, but my feelings for August were deeper than anything that I could feel as a sisterly bond with Julia. The only thing that concerned me was that possible aftershock after those inevitable words were spoken. Once the dust settled, would he even be open to the notion of being with me? It was a cross that I was willing to bear.
“I know that you’re right. I do have to talk to her. It’s funny, but it’s usually not me saying the words. I’ve never had to tell somebody that it was over. It was always the girl that came to the end of her rope and couldn’t take me playing the field. I’ve had many conversations where they said that it wasn’t me. I know that it’s me. I don’t make it easy for any woman to get close to me. I’m not looking forward to this. If I didn’t think that it was a coward’s way out, I would send her a text message.” I couldn’t let him do that and that kind of act would only diminish my feelings for him.
“I really hope that you don’t mean that. It’s not a comfortable situation. To end things abruptly by sending a text message will only give her a reason to seek you out. You may not know this about women, but we can be quite vindictive when we want to be. I don’t want to give out all our trade secrets, but I think that you need to know that we respect men more for doing it in person. You can mitigate her reaction by doing it someplace public. It might prevent her from making a scene, but I don’t know her well enough to say that.” I could’ve easily left it alone and let the chips fall where they may. This could’ve been over with a few keystrokes on his phone. I just couldn’t do that to either one of them.
“I wasn’t kidding. I can’t stand to see a woman cry. You can call that my Achilles’ heel. I just don’t know if I can go through with it. The way that I see it is that this is best for the both of us. She won’t have anything holding her to this place. It’s time for her to stretch her wings. I’m not going to be the one to ruin her one chance at happiness. I could be selfish and tell her that I don’t want her to go, but I’m not going to do that.” I was falling for him all over again and there was really nothing that I could do about it.
I could tease him and push his buttons, but I had a feeling that losing her was going to send him into a tailspin. Eventually, maybe a couple of days or even weeks down the road, I could be that shoulder to lean on. He might see me as somebody that he could talk to and that would lead to some intimate moments. It wouldn’t necessarily be sexual, but it had that possibility of turning a late night get together into something more.
“I know from personal experience that she’s going to hate you. It’s going to be that healthy hate that is going to drive her to become the best chef that she can be. I guess it would be nice if you could end things amicably, but that's usually not how these things go. There’s no reason for you to think twice about this. If you don’t know it, I want you to know that I think that you’re doing the right thing. I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes.” To take his mind off of the impending disaster of his love life, I turned his attention towards business matters.
“I really don’t know what I would do without you. Having you here as a sounding board has given me the courage to see what was right in front of me all along. I sometimes think that I’m blind to the suffering of others. I have the kind of money that can build an empire, but I tend to step on the little guy to do it. With you in my life, Amanda, I see things a little differently than I did before. I actually find myself thinking about other people’s feelings. I would’ve never thought twice had you not been able to resist my charms.” What he didn’t know was that I was trapped by every word that was coming out of his sweet looking lips. That I wanted nothing more than to climb into his lap and see what I couldn’t do it to make him smile.
“It wouldn’t have worked out between us anyway. If Julia is the type of woman that you are attracted to then I didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of being with you.” I heard his voice when I was dreaming and I woke up sweaty and clinging to the sheets for dear life. I was trying to figure out if his interest in me was more than physical. Did he really want me, or was it more that he couldn’t have me?
“I’m a little bit different from other men. My tastes don’t necessarily revolve around women of a certain size. If I see something I like, I tend to jump feet first without thinking about it. With you, I saw that I wanted to find a way to seal the deal between us. You carry yourself with confidence and yet I feel sometimes that you’re struggling with your identity. It’s that vulnerability and strength combined that is hard for me to ignore.” My hands were kneading his muscles and massaging away the pain that he was going to feel from the breakup.
“I can honestly say that I didn’t know that you felt that way. If we could go back to when we first met, I might’ve been able to see through your callous ways. You must have been hiding the real August underneath the way that you chased after me.” I was giving him the idea that I was open to the possibility of something more. I wasn’t exactly coming out and saying it, but the underlying meaning was there.
“There are many paths that we take in life and sometimes we veer off to come back to that same one over again. I don’t want to give you any false promises. I’ve never been able to get you out of my head. There are times that Julia’s talking to me and the only thing that I can think about is you. I know that it’s not right and I should be with her body and soul. I know that I have to finish this with Julia, but do you think that we can talk about us after. I can come over and we can have a cup of coffee and see where things go.” My plan had worked better than I had envisioned.
“The one thing that I don’t want to be for you is that rebound girl. You need to decide if you really want this to work between us. If you can honestly say to yourself that you don’t just want to have sex with me then come over and we can build on that.” We had opened the lines of communication and it was possible that I was going to have him knocking on my door.
He turned quickly, knocking me off balance by swiveling his chair and making me fall in his lap. I squirmed for a moment, but then I settled in with my legs over the arms of the chair. I put both hands on his face, gliding my fingertips over the bristles of his stubble and loving the rough look.
“I really thought the idea of the both of us being together was a dead issue. I feel you on top of me and the heat of your body is causing me to react. You can tell that I’m happy to have you right here in this position. I would love to do more, but I don’t think that I can.” I thought for a moment that he was suffering from some sort of erectile dysfunction. “I mean… I can, but it’s not fair to Julia. I haven’t even told her that it’s time for us to see other people.” This was the kind of man that I could see myself with for more than the fleeting chance of pleasure between the sheets.
“It would be better that you go before I decide to take that decision out of your hands.” I got up reluctantly, brushing my fingertips over his lips and then standing awkwardly like I was going to fall on the cushion of my ass.
“I promise that I will be there tonight. I don’t know what time it will be, but keep a light on for me.” I was giddy with anticipation as the door closed like that one chapter of my life.
I thought that I was dreaming. The conversation seemed so surreal that it was almost like I had manifested it in my head. I looked around and I knew where I was that. I pinched myself and still I didn’t bolt straight up in bed disappointed.
* * *
I wasn’t sure how to prepare for his arrival. I didn’t know when he was going to show up, but that anticipation of what was to come was in the air. There was no denying that if he were to make a pass that I would fall into his arms and show him that I was agiler than I looked. That I could still bend myself certain ways that would make me look like a pretzel.
“I’m guessing that you want me to make myself scarce tonight. I’m glad to see that you were finally able to talk to him. I know that your intention was to manipulate him and on some level, you did, but for the most part, this decision was his own. He needed you to remind him of a few certain details that he wasn’t aware of.” Gemini was in a downward dog position on the floor. I had followed her into that same position and I think that we both surprised ourselves that we could still do this.
“I used my position in his life to find out some things that changed his perspective. I helped Julia to realize that her dream was not to be a doctor. I know that without me that they would still be together, but I doubt that they would have been very happy. Surviving the dating world is not easy for anyone. There are times that we become complacent and end up with someone that is not truly compatible with us. You and I both know that jumping back into something that is familiar is like putting on an old pair of socks.” I thought about my past and the few men that were supposed to be the one.
“Amanda, life is not worth living if you’re not doing something that you love. Julia was stuck on the notion that her family was right. She didn’t have any say in her own future. You helped her to see that she was only pleasing them and not herself. You may have played armchair therapist to the both of them, but in the long run, they will be better off for it. Trust me; I’ve been in relationships where nobody wanted to cut that cord because it was going to be too painful. It’s better to do it as soon as possible or those things that drive you crazy about that person are only going to get on your last nerve. There will be that final straw.” Gemini was wearing blue spandex pants and a sports bra that really didn’t hide what she was given an abundance of.
“I know that this is best for the both of them. It doesn’t make me feel very good about my role in it. I never thought for one moment that I would be some kind of home wrecker. If it was meant to be, I don’t think that there would be anything that I could say that would tear them apart. I let them see the writing on the wall. She’s been determined to make him wait on principle alone. I think that she kept him from going too far because she wasn’t sure that he was the right man for her.” I wanted to convince myself that what I had done was right, but that growing pang of guilt in my stomach was telling me differently.
“I told you that you were only going after him because of your need to have him when you knew that you couldn’t. I’m going to rephrase that. I think that you have always wanted him, but like Julia you were hesitant to see past his bad boy ways. We all want that bad boy, but we are foolish to think that we can really change them. Maybe in this one instance, the man that you claim to be a skirt chaser has found somebody worthy enough to drop the pretense of going after anything with two legs.” Gemini had made her point very clear. I just didn’t know that he was a good man.
“I still can’t believe that this is happening. I keep thinking that it’s an April fool’s joke, but it’s not April. It’s my dream come true. I just feel that somebody’s going to come around to bust my bubble of excitement. You know that I actually went out and bought something scandalous to blow his mind. I don’t even know that I should show you. It really does send a very descriptive message about what I want.” I held the pose, breathing through my nose and out of my mouth. I contracted my core and really felt the burn.
“You have definitely got me curious and there’s no way that I’m leaving until I see it on you. I need you to go into your bedroom and then come out and give me a preview. I want to see just how far you’re willing to go to get your man. There’s no time like the present.” I wanted her to see it and give me her opinion. It was a red and black widow outfit with the garters and bustier to match the ensemble. I even had a pair of sheer stockings that gave my legs that smooth look like he would want to climb with his fingertips up to the heaven awaiting him.
I went into my bedroom and put it on. I looked in the mirror and I really didn’t recognize the eyes looking back at me. There was that desire for August and wearing this was giving me a license to play the naughty card. If this didn’t make him willingly follow me to the bedroom, then I had no idea what would.
I opened the door and I went back into the room feeling a little exposed. I had ruffled my hair giving it that fuck me look.
“I know that it’s a bit much, but it seemed to beg me to buy it from the window. It’s not even a shop that I would frequent. I would be embarrassed if anybody saw me going in and coming back out.” She gave me an appreciative whistle and then she circled me while I stood there wondering what she was going to say.
“If I hadn’t have seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t have believed it. You look like you are ready to give this man the time of his life. Those panties do very little to hide anything. I would keep this wrapped up. Make him wait for it and then spring it on him when he least expects it. Use the ruse of going to freshen up and then come out wearing only this. Start off with something more casual like a pair of old sweats that will give him the illusion that nothing’s going to happen. See the disappointment in his eyes and then change all of that with the way that you open the door and give him a reason to crawl to you on his hands and knees.” I just thought that I would open the door when he knocked wearing this outfit and let him decide what he was going to do about it.
Gemini’s suggestion was mulling around in my head and it seemed too delicious to pass up. “I like that idea and I might just steal that for my own purposes. I don’t want to keep you from anything that you need to do. What I mean by that is that I don’t think that it’s a good idea that you’re here when he stops by. I’m sure that you can find something to do or somebody to do.” She smiled at my comment and took out this little black book that had these names of former conquests with the ratings of up to four stars by each name.
“I have a couple of ideas. It’s funny, but the idea of a booty call is something that is a double standard. We can show up at any hour of the day or night and they would gladly open their arms to us. If they do the same thing, we think that they have lost their mind and slam the door in their faces. It’s only in that rare instance that we are as horny as they are when they come looking for some.” I watched as she got ready, putting on her war makeup and looking like a dish best served piping hot.
“I would say that you can come back tonight, but I think that it might be better that you find someplace else to sleep. I’m liable to make some noise that will keep you up. You may not know this about me, but I can be quite vocal when a man knows what he’s doing. You’d be surprised at how many times that I have to direct them to get me there. I don’t think that I’m going to have that same problem with August.” I put on my sweats and you wouldn’t know it from looking at me that there was something lurking underneath the surface.
“Trust me, I’ll find somebody to spend my time with. I think that I’ll start by going to a late supper and see if I can’t get somebody’s eye from across the room. If that doesn’t work, I still have two guys in this little black book that is available for a one night stand. They both know that I’m not looking for any commitment and they are perfectly fine with that. I really did think that emotions were going to play into it, but so far we’ve been able to keep it strictly physical. Hmm…it might be time to introduce the both of them. Can you say Ménage a Trois?” She gave me a hug, telling me that I was a lucky girl and that I shouldn’t take August for granted.
I escorted her to the door and I closed it behind her with my whole-body vibrating. There was no way that I was going to take care of that myself not when it was a possibility that I would have somebody else to do that for me.
* * *
I perused several old magazines; channel surfed and found absolutely nothing that was going to keep my attention for any longer than a few minutes. I kept looking at the clock and the sound of the ticking was driving me insane. Every time that I thought that I heard a noise, I would rush to the window and see if my paramour had come calling. I was turning into a basket case, running through the scenarios that might happen and knowing that I would never be able to come close to reality.
I heard what sounded like a car door slamming. I thought that it might be my neighbor Jensen coming home from a late-night shift at the call center. I heard the footsteps approaching and then the light and unassuming knock on the door. My heart stopped for one moment. I wasn’t sure that I was going to be able to get up to answer him.
I decided not to put on any perfume and I didn’t want him to have the idea that I was ready for more than a conversation. I stepped over to where the only thing that was separating the both of us was the door.
I opened it and was accosted with a dozen long stem roses. I wasn’t much into flowers as a sign of a romantic gesture, but it seemed to work for the occasion.
“I know that this is a bit cheesy, but I saw them and I thought of you.” I made the motion for him to pass through the threshold wondering if one day that he was going to carry me over it as a sign of our matrimonial bliss. I was getting ahead of myself and I hadn’t even mentioned the elephant in the room.
“I have coffee brewing and I thought that you could use it.” I was alluding to the fact that he had just done something painful and the caffeine would give him the jolt of energy that he would need to stand strong
“I arranged for us to meet at the restaurant that we first had dinner together. I didn’t get a chance to say anything and she went into a speech about needing to find herself. I didn’t interrupt and I let her continue until there was only one thing left to do. It was a mutual decision and we promised to still be friends. She told me that she didn’t feel that it was right for me to wait for her or to follow her if my heart wasn’t into it. She wants me to find somebody that is worthy of the changed man that I have become. She actually told me that you were a nice girl and that I should give you a chance.” I was stunned into silence by how Julia had talked me up.
I heard the whistle of the pot and I turned and strolled back to the kitchen. He followed while taking off his jacket and showing the heavy burden that had been lifted from his shoulders. Those were the kind of manly shoulders that could easily be used to carry me into the boudoir.
“It sounds to me like you both had the same idea. I’m assuming from the way that you came here that you are interested in seeing if we have something. I don’t mind telling you that I was jealous of Julia.” I poured him a cup and he took it and placed it up against his lips. There was nothing to say or do. I sat there and let him drink and stare at me with wanderlust in his eyes.
“There hasn’t been a day that has gone by since we’ve met that I haven’t thought about you. It doesn’t matter if it’s dreaming or in the shower or even when we are working so close together that I can smell your natural scent hitting me like a sledgehammer between the eyes. You’ve already expressed some interest in pursuing this. Is that still true, or should I go before we do something that is going to hurt our working relationship?” There was really only one way to answer and it came in the form of me putting down my cup and taking his hand.
“I have thought of nothing else. Let me freshen up and I just finished working out with my friend. I’m not exactly ready for company.” I didn’t make it sound like I was dressing for a night of passion. I wanted him to be totally floored by the vision that was going to step from the bedroom. “Finish your coffee and I won’t be more than a couple of minutes.” I passed by him and I stopped long enough to give him a light and noncommittal kiss on the lips. It was just a taste. Like a drug dealer, the first one was free, but the rest was going to have to come with more of a long-term promise.
I could literally feel him watching me as I walked away. I purposely put an extra swing to my hips to give him ideas.
I went into my bedroom, closed the door and pushed back against it with my heart thumping so hard that I thought it was going to leap from my chest. My hands were shaking as I peeled off the sweater to reveal the red and black bustier. I pulled down my sweat pants revealing the garter and the sheer hose not to mention the panties that I would love to see him pull off with his teeth.
I found my favorite lipstick and painted my lips with a color that was going to draw him to me like a moth to a flame. I felt ready. I didn’t feel like he was just here to plant his flag. He wanted something more substantial than one night where we would throw our bodies at one another for hours on end.
Taking a deep breath, I steeled myself for the moment where he would find it useless to fight me. I opened the door and I stepped out looking towards the kitchen and then I found him with his eyes glued to me.
He said nothing, as he put down his cup and walked over to me. I nuzzled my cheek against his hand. I looked at him and I saw that the man that I wanted was ready to commit to one woman.
“I… I… I was expecting this. I have to say that I’m pleasantly surprised. I hope that I don’t disappoint you. I never want to hurt you purposely. I don’t want you to wake up in the morning wondering what we have done. This will be the first time that I stayed the night and didn’t try to sneak out after the woman went to sleep. I want to stay for breakfast.” This was a bold claim to make and one that I was going to hold him to.
“I’m a little nervous. No… I’m a lot nervous. These last few weeks have made me want you even more. If it took you that long to become the man that I know you can be then I have no regrets. I want to touch you and explore your body from the top of your head down to your toes. I want to take my time to find all of those hidden areas on your body that you didn’t even know about.” I saw that hunger in his eyes and I wanted him to devour me and make me feel like I was the only woman in the world.
“You’re not the only one that’s nervous. For the first time in my life, I’m with a woman that challenges me and I don’t know what to do.” He held my heated gaze and then he put his hands on my hips making me gasp. I was waiting for that inevitable moment where I was going to scream for my neighbors to hear.
I could smell his cologne and the scent of him underneath it. I reached for his belt and I undid it with my hands trembling with the need to see him. I snapped the button open and was about to pull down the zipper when there was an insistent knocking at the door.
“Ignore it and they will go away.” He smiled at my comment and put his hand on my bare shoulder. That touch only elicited a moan of arousal from my lips.
The knocking continued and got louder by the second. Somebody wasn’t taking no for an answer and I was going to give them a piece of my mind. If it was Gemini, I would be so cross that I don’t know that I would be able to let her stay with me. If it was anybody else, then they were going to be lucky that I didn’t become like a feral cat.
“Get rid of them and I’ll meet you in the bedroom.” August disappeared down the hallway and I heard the running water and I knew that he was most likely splashing cold water on his face.
I stood there wanting to join him. I wanted to take him by the hand and drag him by bodily force into the bedroom. I would throw him on that mattress and show him that I was demanding. I wasn’t going to settle for second best. He was going to satisfy me and we were both going to wake up spent and looking at each other with that fire still in our eyes.
I walked toward the door and I stumbled on the high heels that I had forgotten about. They were stilettos. I thought about taking one off and using it as a weapon to admonish whoever was stupid enough to interfere in this moment.
“Come on, Amanda. I know that you’re home. I can see the light on.” The voice had me flashing back to my high school years. Jones Adams was an athlete and girls were throwing themselves at him all the time. He had only eyes for me. I actually lost my virginity on the football field with him and the feeling of a phantom crowd cheering us on. “I’ve been a damn fool and I didn’t know how good I had it. Give me a chance to make it up to you.” I looked towards the door and then back towards the bathroom. My world was colliding in a way that I wasn’t expecting.
This was too much for one woman to handle. I had no voice and when I tried to answer Jones it was more of a squeak that I didn’t recognize. My future was behind door number one and my past was behind door number two. My head was swimming and what I thought was going to happen tonight had taken a dramatic turn.
I didn’t even realize that I wasn’t breathing. I had a decision to make and one way or the other it was going to hurt somebody. I found myself curious enough to walk almost like in a trance towards the front door. I thought about what this could do to my budding relationship with August and it became a moot point. I opened the door still wearing that outfit and not really caring what kind of impression that I was making.
I saw his face and the way that he ran his eyes up and down my body like he always did. It brought back old feelings that I thought were dead and buried. It was late, but I had a feeling that I wasn’t going to get any sleep tonight. The drama that I was trying to prevent in my life was about to happen with two men that were vying for my affection.
* * *
BOOK 3: STEAL ME (PART 3)
Blueprints of the Past
Amanda Cochran had found the man of her dreams in August. He was what she considered a work in progress. She never did really believe that he could change his ways. Her jealousy had gotten the best of her when she found out that he was seeing another woman. They found themselves confessing their feelings for one another and was about to embark on what could possibly be the best relationship of their lives. That fairy tale was shattered by a voice from the past. She still has feelings for the one that got away. Amanda has no idea what she’s going to do. She’ll have to figure out which man is right for her before going off to China. What happens when August finds out about the man that she never was able to get over?
* * *
“I don’t know what you think you are doing here. I can’t have this conversation with you. You made your feelings abundantly clear on the last day of high school. Do you have any idea how bad I felt when you decided that I wasn’t marriage material? I didn’t fit into that image of the trophy wife that you wanted for your football career.” I couldn’t believe that he was standing there and he hadn’t changed. He still had that cocksure grin. If I didn’t know any better, I would have sworn that he had more muscles than he did back in the day.
“I know that this comes as a bit of a shock, but I never was able to get over you. I have to say that you look better than ever. There has always been something exceptional about you. You have a real quality that shines through like no other girl that I have ever been with.” He was wearing this very expensive black leather jacket. The motorcycle that he drove back when he was seducing anything with two legs was sitting out on the road.
“You can’t come here after all this time and expect me to jump at the opportunity to be with you again. You can’t be that fool of yourself that you believe that I didn’t move on. Didn’t you think that I could find somebody else after you left me to mend my broken heart? Don’t I deserve happiness after what you put me through?” I was wired tight and I knew that August wasn’t going to wait in that room forever.
I was trying to keep my voice down and still consciously aware of looking down the hallway to see if August was going to announce his presence.
“I probably shouldn’t have come over at this time of night, but I just couldn’t help myself. I’ve been involved with a woman for quite some time and I finally told her to hit the bricks. She always had her hand in my pocket. There wasn’t a day that went by that she didn’t have my credit card. I’m through living without you. I can’t think of anything else. Why is it that we are whispering? Do you have a child?” It had been years and the possibility of me having children was likely. I just didn’t find anybody that was ready to be father of the year.
“If you must know, we’re whispering because I have a man down the hall in my bedroom. I would really like for you to leave. It would be better that we discuss this in the morning when we both can be rational human beings.” He looked slightly stunned by my revelation.
“Oh, my god… I’m so sorry and I didn’t mean to ruin anything. I would like to know if it’s serious and if I even stand a chance to win you back after all this time. Tell me to leave and never return and I will do that for you. If you can do that with a straight face and mean it then you’ll never see me again.” The words were in my mouth, but when I tried to say them there was nothing there. “I’m going to take your silence as hope that I do have a chance.”
“Amanda, what is taking you so long? I want to use my teeth and tear that thing off of you. Don’t make me pull rank and use my clout as your boss to get you to follow orders.” I heard the door to the bedroom opening and I panicked.
I didn’t even think about it. I opened the closet door and pushed him inside with my finger to his lips to indicate that I wanted him to stay quiet. From the expression on his face, I doubted seriously that this was the first time that he had been caught in the act and had to make a strategic exit.
I leaned back against it, slightly out of breath and turned to see that August was looking at me.
“I know that this is a big step. If you are having second thoughts, I really need to know about them. I don’t want there to be any doubts. I have so many fantasies and you have no idea how hard it has been to be around you without making some sort of move. I think for the most part that I have respected your wishes in regards to a workplace romance. I wasn’t worthy of a woman like you, but I am now.” He was saying all the right things and my heart had filled with the kind of joy that I had never experienced before.
I had no interest in making him leave, but that was not the words that I strung together “I’m not sure about this and I need some time to think about it without you breathing down my neck. I know that’s not fair, but I can’t just jump into bed with you without knowing that your heart is in this. I was foolish to put this on and try to seduce you. You just got out of a relationship. It’s still a fresh wound and I’m taking advantage of that. I think that it would be best that you go before I do something that is not very ladylike. We have time and you know what they say about abstinence making the heart grow fonder.” I didn’t believe a single word of what I said. It sounded like excuses, but I was grateful that he didn’t take it that way.
“I would never want to do anything to make you feel like I’m pressuring you into anything. It was never my intention and I apologize if this is a little bit too quick. You might be right. I haven’t fully grieved for the relationship that I just ended. At least one of us is thinking straight. I’ll go, but I’m not through discussing this.” He gave me a kiss with his hand on the small of my back lingering on that spot that was extra sensitive and the perfect way to make me melt.
“I hope that you don’t hate me.” I was worried that this was going to mess things up. I was going to give Jones a piece of my mind and his walking papers in that order.
“The one thing that I can never do is stay mad at you. I’m a little disappointed. I’m going to have to go up the mango tree with my five little friends tonight.” He indicated his five fingers and the need to take matters into his own hands. It was kind of a waste and I could’ve thought of a lot better things to do with what he had in his possession.
“I’m glad to hear you say that. I’m just confused and I need time to sort things out in my own head. I do care for you deeply and probably more than you know. I just need to be sure that this is forever and not some fling. We owe it to ourselves to make sure that we are that soul mate that we have been searching for. I know that I probably sound like some hallmark card, but I can’t help to want that happily ever after.” I helped him on with his jacket and opened the door. I breathed a sigh of relief to see that the motorcycle that Jones had arrived on was out of sight. It was on the road, but it was underneath the shadow of a tree masking its existence.
“I know that I have no right to ask this. Is there something that you need to tell me? You obviously have doubts, but I sense that there’s something more going on here than meets the eye. I’m not going to push, but my door is always open. Tomorrow is a big day and we meet with Lionel in the morning to go over any changes that he might want to make with the designs that we made for his other three buildings. I really do want you to go with me to China. That is something that you’re going to have to decide for yourself. It could be the beginning of something.” He touched my cheek and I almost grabbed his hand and pulled him down the hallway to the bedroom.
“We have a few days before we leave the city. I still plan on going with you. You need to find some perspective and to really feel the loss of Julia. I know that you said that you ended things amicably, but there has to be a piece of you that is only going to be meant for her.” I closed the door, peeking through the curtains until he was driving away and then I felt a pair of hands on my hips from behind.
“I kinda find it naughty that you are playing the field. It makes me that much more anxious to win you over. Damn, I forgot about these curves and the way that your body screams for the satisfaction that it deserves. You know that we have been intimate. I do have a road map of your body in my mind that I play over and over again. I will never forget the day that we consummated our relationship on the football field. The next day when I took to the field, I couldn’t stop smiling or bringing to life the moment that you cried out in orgasmic joy. I wasn’t exactly pure as the driven snow, but I knew that you were. You took a chance on a man that really didn’t give you any reason to think that I was a one-woman kind of guy. For the rest of that year, we were inseparable and I don’t mean to brag, but I think that I gave you some of the best orgasms of your life.” I wanted to refute his claim, but there was no way that I could without lying through my teeth.
“I can’t do this right now. I need you to leave and to give me space. I will leave you with one thought. You made me feel like I wasn’t worth it to stand beside you in your career. I don’t know how I’m supposed to ever get over something like that. I’ve always struggled with my weight and you didn’t make it any easier by making me think that you were embarrassed to have me in your life.” I’d wanted to say this to him the last day of high school, but I was too naïve and hurt by his betrayal to do much of anything. I could only stare at him as he walked out of my life.
“I apologize for making you feel that way. It wasn’t right and I was stupid to think that I could do better.” I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I closed the door with my heart beating and my palms sweating. I had this need to jump either guy and have my way with them. I was actually thinking that maybe I could have my cake and eat it too, but that would’ve been asking for way too much.
* * *
“I’ve never known you to play two guys against each other. I told you that Jones was going to realize the mistake that he made. I’ve heard all about him and that twinkle in your eye is hard to ignore.” It was 5:00 AM in the morning and I had barged in on Gemini sleeping to get her two cents worth.
“I just don’t know what to do. I thought that I had Jones out of my system, but all those feelings resurfaced when I saw him standing at my door. His voice was like a whisper in the wind. I’m powerless when I’m around him. I thought that I was never going to see him again. August is my future and Jones is my past.” I wanted to believe that, but those memories never did fade over time. Jones had always been the measuring stick that I used when I found myself even remotely in a relationship.
“You say that, but I’m not sure that you really believe that. You have every right to the way that you feel. There was no closure to end your relationship with Jones. This might be your one opportunity to finally tell him that it’s over. I’m a little concerned that you weren’t able to do that last night. It made him believe that you’re not over him. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can give you some of my sage advice. You can’t have both of them no matter what fantasy might manifest in that naughty little mind of yours. It would never work which means that you’re going to have to decide on one or the other. They both have that same attitude toward women. They both think that they are god’s gift. It appears that you have a type. Do you think that the reason why you have been keeping August from getting close is because he reminded you too much of Jones?” I hadn’t thought of that, but now that she had broached the topic it did ring with a bit of truth.
“I’m glad that you’re being the voice of reason. I’m not sure that I could even think straight with the both of them running around in my mind. I really did have the intention of rocking his world last night. I would be right now basking in the afterglow. There’s a part of me that wants to go to Jones and tell him that he needs to leave me alone. I tried last night, but I instead put him off like I was weighing my options.” They both had the capacity to love with all of their heart. It was a no-win situation. Someone was going to get hurt and it was going to be because of me. I wasn’t ready for that kind of responsibility.
“Until you figure out what you’re going to do then they both should remain off limits. If it were me, I would test drive both to see which stick feels better. I know that’s not how you do things. You let your feelings take control of you. I think that it’s kinda cute, but also leaves you with a decision to make. Do you take a chance on someone that hurt you like that or do you run off to the orient with August? It all comes down to what you feel right here.” She reached out and touched my heart. I knew that she was right.
“I sometimes find myself turning my back on love completely. I need to break down those walls that I have put up because of Jones. August has done his best to chip through to the other side. I thought last night was finally going to make it crumble for good. I need to find out if the love that I had for Jones is still there. The only way to find out is to spend some time with him alone and in private. You gave me a lot to think about and I appreciate that.” We had been talking for almost 2 hours and it was time for me to get ready for work. It wasn’t going to be easy to get my head in the game.
“Jones is not going to be a part of your past until you are able to finally say that you don’t need him. Don’t get lost in the feelings that you have for him before. You may find out that he’s the same man that you remember. He may look different on the surface, but men don’t change. There’s no way that you could possibly say that you’re the same person that you were when you first met him.” She was sitting there on the couch with that one lone blanket over top of her naked frame. I didn’t ask her to cover up and it felt perfectly natural to speak about my feelings with her wearing only a smile.
“I understand what you’re trying to say. I need to find out if he is a man that I can trust with my heart again. I was a basket case when he left me. It hardened my heart and made me suspect of anyone that wanted to get close. I’m not sure what I’m going to say to August. He deserves the truth and for me to be completely honest for this to work. I want to be that kind of girl and we never did say that this was exclusive. It’s a small distinction and one that I feel horrible to make. I need to get a cold shower and I think you know the reason why. If I don’t do something about this pent up sexual frustration, then I’m not going to be worth much of anything negotiating with Lionel.” She grabbed my hand and it was that strength that I needed to feel like I was breathing normally again.
“Trust in your heart and it will always lead you to the one that you’re supposed to be with. I only wish that I could take that same advice. I would love to have that one that completes me. I’m just not sure that I could settle for one when there is a smorgasbord of different men out there for me to try. I find that life offers wonders that you couldn’t possibly understand unless you lived in my shoes. Going to China is going to allow you to stretch your wings. I am a little jealous of you. I know how it feels to take that leap of faith for the first time. It’s exhilarating and terrifying beyond words.” She did have a unique insight and one that I would be a damn fool not to take advantage of.
“I’m finally going to find out what it is like to live. I do feel that it’s time for me to broaden my horizons. I have to stop living in this little box that I have made for myself. I want that freedom to live for the moment and not just because I have to.” I wanted to go to China, but how could I win this Damocles sword over my head. It was swinging back and forth threatening to destroy everything that I had built with August for something more familiar. Just how familiar that was had never been fully investigated.
I went to the bathroom turning on the water and I stepped under the cool spray to feel that heat that I had for both men diminishing slightly. There was still that lingering ember when I finally emerged. That was never going to go away and being close to either man was going to turn it back up a notch.
I was going to drive myself crazy with all of these what ifs. I left Gemini sleeping yet again. I really did believe that she was contributing in a small way. There were no money exchanging hands, but I wouldn’t have taken her money even if she offered it. She was one of my dearest friends and if she needed something, I was damn well going to be there to give it to her.
Sitting in my car after driving 20 minutes to the office was keeping me immobile with my hands still clasping the steering wheel. The engine was off and I was looking at the front door to the building and trying to will myself to leave the comfort and security of the car.
I heard the knocking on my window and I turned abruptly to see that August had somehow seen me arrive. “I hope that you’re not going to sit in there all day. It was only by luck that I saw you out of my window. I’m sure that you’re feeling nervous, but we need to put that aside for business. Lionel is here and I didn’t want to get into it with him without you standing by my side. You’re the one that’s going to have to decide if you can still work with me. I feel like there is still a lot that we need to say to one another. I took the liberty of making reservations at a small bistro that I think that you’ll like. I want this to work out. I’ve never fought for any woman in my life, but I’m willing to do that for you. I’m just not sure what I’m fighting against.” I took a deep breath, steeled myself for the heat that was generated by us. I opened the door and I stood up in front of him feeling like my legs had turned to jelly.
“I was afraid that you were going to think that I wasn’t worth it.” Jones had given me that feeling in the past. I thought that it was going to be a repeat performance all over again with August. He had said repeatedly that I was his type. It wasn’t my weight that was in contention. It was my reluctance to let him in. I had allowed someone like Julia to step in to show him that it didn’t have to be this hard.
“There is nothing that would make me think that.” August took my hand and led me into the building. I thought that people were weak when they couldn’t say what was on their mind, but now I understood exactly where they were coming from.
“I don’t know how you can say that after everything that I’ve done. I haven’t made it easy for you. I find that time is fleeting. You never know what’s going to happen next. It’s that uncertainty that drives people to do some of the most insane things. That’s where the bucket list comes into play. That’s why people feel that it’s necessary to do things before that final judgment day.” I had purposely worn something that showed very little skin with the button of my blouse all the way up to the neck. I looked more like a librarian that had too many cats and no love life to speak of.
“It sounds very Biblical and I’ve never been much for religion. I want you to know that you can say anything to me.” He had already given me the impression that he knew that something was going on. He wasn’t trying to fix things and he just wanted to be somebody that I could talk to. It wasn’t sure how that was going to work.
“I have enough friends and I don’t need one more. I don’t mean to be harsh, but I want something that is going to keep me guessing until the day that I die. I want a man that continually surprises me and pushes me creatively in and out of the bedroom. You do that for me on one front and I don’t think that I could feel any luckier even if I wanted to.” We went up in the elevator and I was tempted to push him up against the wall like he had done to me. I felt that it might be time to turn the tables.
“Lionel looks happy, but you can never know with his poker face. I told him that I didn’t want to know his insights until you were able to be there to hear them for yourself. I don’t think that he appreciates the value that you bring to this business. He’s accepting of it, but I’m not sure that he fully has it in him to give you the kind of respect that you deserve.” I didn’t need his assurances. I was a big girl and I could take any kind of criticism with a grain of salt. Everybody had their opinions. It didn’t necessarily mean that one or the other was right.
* * *
Lionel was quite receptive to the changes that we had made for his other three buildings. He didn’t have any other projects and that was good considering that we were going to be leaving the country very shortly. I was still worried that I wasn’t going be able to follow him to this wonderful new adventure on the horizon.
I sat here picking at my food and not having much of an appetite. Everything smelled delicious and what I did sample made me a believer. I kept looking up at him bashful and shy about what was going to come out of my mouth next.
“Is this too much? It is a bit silly of me to think that romance is the answer to all of our problems.” I didn’t know what to say and I could tell from the glaring expression of the chef peeking through the door that he wasn’t very happy that I was doing him a disservice by not eating his food.
It was very romantic with checkered tablecloths and a lone candle to light the way to my heart. I could see other couples in the dim light of their candles showing affection by touching hands and looking longingly into each other’s eyes. Every time that I tried to stare into August’s eyes it made me feel guilty and I had to turn away.
“I hope that you don’t take any offense, but I’m really not that hungry.” I pushed the plate aside and then I took a deep breath and willed myself to walk from the shadows into the light. “There’s somebody else. He showed up unexpectedly. God help me… I have feelings for two men. I feel like I should just let both of you go for your own sake. I should be alone and you certainly don’t need this drama. I thought that it best that I tell you so that you know what you’re up against. This is not a new relationship. This is the one that got away. I sound like a storyline from one of those daytime soap operas.” He looked like I had just told him that his pet had died.
He put his fork down with a piece of Angus beef still clinging to the tines. He picked up his wine and took a sip. That sip turned into one swallow after another until he had drained it down to the last drop. I could see that he was trying to remain calm. He did not look very happy and that awkward silence was killing me.
“I’m glad that you told me. It says a lot for our relationship that you are willing, to be honest. I can’t tell you how to feel. Working with you has been easy. Being with you has been hard, but I thought that we were on the right track. Can you at least tell me how you are leaning in one direction or another? I shouldn’t even ask and putting you on the spot is not going to help matters any. If I thought that it would do any good, I would call him out to a duel with the last man standing to get the lady.” It was nice of him to think in that antiquated way, but it also reminding me that I was dealing with more than enough testosterone. Putting them together would only cause a fight that might end up with the both of them in the emergency room.
“I do feel better for getting that off my chest, August. Jones is the one that I thought I was going to end up with. I had our wedding planned down to the tiniest detail. I’m sure that a lot of girls in their teenage years had that fantasy. He told me that he loved me and I believed him. It was after graduation that he finally admitted that he thought that he could do better. He didn’t come out and say that it was because of my size, but I knew that was the underlying reason.” Thinking back on that day was the hardest thing that I had ever done in my life. I thought that he was better than those guys that laughed behind my back or said things underneath their breath that was a little disparaging.
“I would really like to have a word with him in private. Give me 5 minutes alone with him and I promise that he will apologize for his actions. I can’t be responsible for his safety, but I will beat an apology out of him for you.” I felt like he was my knight in shining armor ready to ride to my rescue on his white steed.
“It would do no good for either one of you to be in the same room together. This has nothing to do with the two of you. This has everything to do with the way that he made me feel and the way that you make me feel. He is that blast from the past that stopped us from showing our feelings last night. I was stupid to throw him into the closet, but I can assure you that he did not stay after you left. I told him that I needed time.” I wanted him to know everything, so there weren’t any surprises that were going to make him see me as some kind of a conniving bitch.
“There comes a time in everybody’s life that we reevaluate. It could be that Jones lost his way and he thinks that you might be the path to redemption. There’s just one thing that I need to know. If this is love between us, then why does it scare me out of my mind? I’m still trying to figure how I ever won your love. What did I do and what did I possibly say that made you think that I can be trusted? You make me want to be a better man. I want to be someone worthy of the kind of love that you can give me every day. I don’t like this feeling of not knowing.” I was worried that he was going to put an end to this before it began.
“I haven’t made any decisions. I promise that you will be the first to know. I’m going to go out on a limb and tell you that I’m going to see him again. I think that I need to know if what I felt for him was real or something that was more of a crush. You don’t have to like it, but you need to give me that time to find out. I’m going to do everything in my power to give you the answer that you need before we leave. I wouldn’t even dream of putting you in a position to work with me if things didn’t work out. If that were to happen, I will gladly give you my resignation, so that we don’t have to see each other ever again. It’s obvious to me that you can do this alone, but I will say that working with you has been a learning experience in more ways than one. We do seem to bring the best out of each other and sometimes the worst. It all goes hand in hand.” Now that I had unburdened my soul, I was getting my appetite back. I devoured everything on my plate and found the sauce to be something that I wanted to bring home to cook with.
I turned with one eye to see that the chef was elated that I had finally given his food a raving recommendation. I thought that he was going to rush over to the table and say something. It probably took all of his willpower not to do that, but he left us to finish our meal.
I saw a side of August that I thought that I would never see again. He had polished off that bottle of wine. I was quite impressed that he was able to handle his liquor in that way.
“I know that look and I don’t appreciate it. I need something to keep me from getting down on my hands and knees and grabbing your ankle to never let you go. I won’t stoop to that level for any woman. If you don’t like what you’ve got, then you have every right to change it. I thought that we had something special. I still want to believe that with all of my heart. I don’t want to go back to who I was before. Don’t get me wrong, that man could get any woman to see him as some kind of Lothario. I can put on that face like I’m putting on a pair of pants, but it doesn’t fit right anymore.” I felt bad that I was hurting him. I wanted to soothe away his pain with soft kisses and a moonlight walk, but that would’ve been screwing with his head.
“I never want to make anybody feel that they are in a losing battle. You have more than a chance. I feel deep down that Jones is only here to make me appreciate what I already have. I think that somebody up there wants me to find the closure to put an end to that chapter of my life.” I knew that it sounded like I was purposely giving him false hope. I had this need to tell Jones to step off, but I wasn’t sure what I was going to do when we came face to face. I’d already shown myself to be unreliable by letting him think that he even had a chance.
“We all have to do what we have to do. I will wait for you. I won’t be able to wait for you forever. Going to China was supposed to be that big adventure to strengthen our relationship. I will hold out that will still happen until the very day that you tell me that I’m not the one for you. I can’t see that happening, but I need to prepare myself for the worst-case scenario.” He ordered another bottle of wine and then we left there with him holding it like some sort of rummy.
“The only thing that is missing is the brown paper bag.” I was only teasing, but it was way too early to poke fun.
“I’m going to go home and cry in my beer. I’m not literally going to cry, but I get this feeling that I’m not going to feel much of anything in the morning. You might find that I’m a little late to the office. I’m sure that you can handle things on your own until I come in later in the afternoon. It’s a little too hard to be around you when I feel you slipping away. You don’t show me the same fire in your eyes. There’s still something there, but it’s not as strong or undeniable as it was.” He flagged down a taxi and there was no way that he was going to be able to drive in his condition.
I looked down at my watch and I knew that Jones was most likely waiting for me. I had arranged for both of us to sit down in a quiet setting where nobody was going to interrupt. I needed to grill him mercilessly on his intentions and why after all this time that he decided to come here. There had to be a reason and I didn’t buy for a second that it was because a relationship had gone sour.
“I’m not even going to ask you what you are going to do with the rest of your evening. I get the feeling that I already know and that’s the reason why I’m probably going to have this bottle of wine half done before I even get back to my building.” I felt like I had to reach out to him but for the time being, I had to let him go.
I put my hand on the window to the taxi and he placed one finger against mine through the glass. He was shaking his head back and forth in obvious disbelief that he had gotten involved with a woman that had another to fall back on.
I needed this time to clear my head and to come up with the right words that I was going to say to Jones. That man had always had the ability to make me feel like I was somebody else. He could lift me out of any depression with a whisper in my ear. There were a lot of other things that he could get me to do.
I stood in front of the coffee shop and he was right there nursing a cappuccino. I got a little closer to the window and I was appalled by what he was looking at on his phone. Those were photos that he had said that he had deleted. We got a little silly one night and I showed a bit more skin than I was meaning to at such an impressionable age. He was playing photographer for some high-priced magazine and I was his subject. I was aghast to learn that he was keeping them for posterity.
I had my hand up to my mouth in shock. They were very intimate poses that were not unlike what you would see in penthouse. I should’ve known that he was never going to delete the last and final reminder of our time together. It did make me feel a little better. It was sick, but keeping those photos showed that I wasn’t out of his heart or his life.
I didn’t know if I should confront him about the photos. I didn’t like the idea that he could show them to anybody and that was precisely the reason why I had asked him to delete them. He was reluctant and told me that he was only going to use them for inspiration. I knew exactly what he meant by that and it was kind of gratifying to know that I was the fuel for the fire. It seemed unlikely that he wouldn’t share that bit of history with some of his so-called friends.
* * *
I had to take a few minutes to compose myself and make myself less angry by this latest betrayal. He was always saying one thing and doing another. I thought that little boy mentality was erased, but it was raising its ugly head yet again.
I stepped into the coffee shop and he immediately shut things down with this guilty expression on his face. He never was able to hide things from me, but that didn’t stop me from loving him. I’m not even sure that I knew what love was back then. He did say those three little words. There was no real conviction behind them to indicate that he truly believed that he was in the presence of the one that was going to make him happy for the rest of his life. I was dreaming to think that I had him wrapped around my little finger.
“I could have thought of something better for us to do than sit here and drink coffee all night. Do you remember the massage that I gave you out of the blue? I can see from the way that you are looking at me and the way that your face has flushed with embarrassment that you do remember. I remember vividly the way that my hands felt on your skin as I glided them over with that warm oil between my fingertips. I remember the way that you made that sound that always got to me.” I had the tendency to giggle like a schoolgirl when I got overly excited. I had tried to suppress that when I was with August, but I knew that deep down that it was going to come out eventually.
I went to retrieve a cup of coffee that was black with no sweeteners or cream. I needed that jolt of caffeine to keep me alert. I had to prevent myself from falling for his bull shit.
“I remember a lot of things about back then. I seem to recall that you had eyes for another before I even met you. I knew all about you, but I never thought that you would give me the time of day. It was only when I found that note in my locker that I found out that you were harboring a crush on me. I thought that you were joking and that it was some way to make me look like a fool in front of all of your classmates.” I remembered the old truck and the way that we had steamed up the windows to keep warm.
“What can I tell you, I know what I like and that body is a sinful work of art that needs to be appreciated by the right man. I could certainly use that body as a canvas for some of my unique paintings. I never did think that I had an artistic side. I needed some way to get out of my head before a big game and my coach turned me on to painting. I’m a bit more impressionist and I like certain colors that go together. Your skin tone is perfect for my breast…brush stroke. Would you consider posing for me?” I wasn’t sure that he was saying this to get me naked or if he was being genuine and sincere with his offer. I’d always wondered what it would be like to be with someone with an artistic flair. I could tell even back then that there were hidden layers to the man.
“You know my answer. I only came here to set things straight. I gave you the impression last night that you had a chance. I’m just not sure that it’s true. I don’t mean to be flippant about your feelings, but I’m not sure that you really came here to see me for the right reason. I don’t want to go pulling at that thread, but I think that I have to for my own sanity.” He tried to reach for me and that was always his way of making me lose my train of thought.
“I don’t know why it’s so hard for you to believe that I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I even have the photos to remind me. Before you say anything, I couldn’t delete them not when you made such a pretty picture. I can’t say that I haven’t shown them to others. I will say that their comments were favorable. I wanted them to see you as I did. I wanted them to see you like none of my friends could. Men are ready to accept women with your unique body type. I thought that I was the minority, but I think that you found out guys like a little bit more meat on the bone.” I was stunned that he even told me about the photos. I thought that I was going to have to pry that bit of information out of him the hard way.
“I don’t like that you have shown them to anybody. It embarrasses me that those photos are even out there. If you were any man at all, you would do me the honor of deleting them in front of me. I don’t think that you can…” I didn’t get a chance to finish the thought as he turned the phone and began to delete one photo after the other.
“I don’t need them when I have the real thing right in front of me. They were a pale comparison to the real thing. They were a reminder of something that I left behind and should’ve gone back for to retrieve a long time ago. I don’t know how many times I actually picked up the phone and was ready to call you. They were mostly during drunken binges, but they say that true feelings emerge when you let your inhibitions fall away. I did call you one time. I heard you talking on the other end of the line, but I couldn’t say anything.” I remembered a call that was anonymous with somebody heavy breathing a couple of years ago. I knew that there was something oddly familiar about the heavy breathing.
“I thought that was some teenage prank or maybe somebody that was stalking me. You scared me and I don’t think that somebody that claims to love me would do that.” We finished our coffee and we took a long walk with the lights of the city lulling me into a false sense of security.
“I didn’t even know that I was going to find you. I had to call around to make sure that you didn’t slip through my fingers again. I was never the romantic type guy. I didn’t go into candlelight and long walks on the beach. I showed you my affection with actions instead of words. I don’t think that your parents’ bed is ever going to be the same again. We really did work out those springs. I’ve never met a woman that enjoyed it as much as you did. You know what I have. There’s no reason why we can’t revisit the past. I can show you what you have been missing with no strings attached.” It was tempting and I did see the snake trying to escape its cage.
“I don’t think that’s appropriate under the circumstances. I do find myself curious to know if my recollection is exactly as I remember it.” He turned suddenly and pushed me up against an alley wall. He moved in with his lips very near to touching mine. I could smell the scent of the man and it brought me back to a time that I thought that I was the happiest that I could ever be.
“It’s not like I’m going to tell anybody. Go ahead and see if you can resist once you get a load of me. Are you that afraid to find out?” He was making a valid point and one that I was desperate to disprove.
“You are incorrigible and you have always been someone that took chances. You have always been able to push me into doing things that were against my better judgment. I’m not complaining. I do look back on those times fondly, but also with a bit of surprise to know that I was even capable of such a thing.” I had reached out and touched that part of him. One hand grabbed onto the bulge. I felt it and I wanted to see it. There was no way that anybody was going to stop me. I frantically undid the belt on his pants and pulled down his zipper.
My breath was short with that anticipation that came from knowing that I was going to see him in all his glory. I put my hand through the opening in the zipper and found the heat of his loins most appreciative of my attention. I used the other hand to undo the button of his pants. I pulled his shirt out of his pants and run my hands underneath to strike a fire by grazing his nipples with my fingernails.
“I knew that she was in there somewhere. You can’t hide that woman from me. More importantly, you can’t hide it from yourself.” I was biting my bottom lip, making him moan by pinching those hardened buds. I only had to glance down to see that his enlargement was pumping with a life of its own. “You know that you want to and there’s nothing stopping you. I’m certainly not going to put up any kind of resistance. You owe it to yourself to find out one way or the other.” He was using psychology against me and the closure that I was looking for was close at hand.
Holding my breath, I moved one hand along the waistband of his underwear. My tongue was sticking out of my mouth. I stuck my hand down and found myself holding onto this scorching piece of pipe.
“I can’t believe that I’m doing this. You are such a bad influence. I have a good mind to spank you. Something tells me that you would enjoy that too much.” I had a hold of him and the slippery surface at the top of the head was leaving behind a profound reminder of our time together. It was sticking to me and I licked my lips with that need to give him the benefit of my oral expertise.
“I am a bad influence and don’t you forget it. The power is in your hands literally and figuratively. What you do with it is up to you. I do love the way that you touch me and it always drives me wild to the point of not been able to sit still. I recall the way that you gave me a hand job in the bleachers underneath the jacket that I was using to conceal what we were doing. It didn’t take much to get you to be more adventurous. I saw that same adventurous spirit when you opened up the door wearing that outfit.” I was stroking the length of him, feeling how solid he was and what I could do with it.
“There isn’t a man alive that has been able to make me do something like this. I would not look that smug. It’s very unattractive to see you think that you have that kind of hold over me.” He did have the ability to make my motor run. The motorcycle was a good way to get me ready to throw caution to the wind. The vibration underneath me ignited that passion and he knew exactly what he was doing.
“I’m a patient man, Amanda. My cock, on the other hand, is a little bit impatient. It sometimes has ideas of its own.” He proved that by flexing that piece of hardware. The vein in the back was throbbing against my palm.
It wasn’t hard to recognize that his excitement was boiling over. A few more strokes and I would be leaving him with something more to remember me by than just a kiss. I was ready to see his climactic end. I think that I would’ve gone through it had it not been for the flash of those headlights that brought me back to reality.
I was caught in those lights like a deer in the headlights. I stared at those lights and then I looked back at what I was doing and I knew that I had gone completely overboard. I took my hand away with the look of his love muscle ready to explode. The color was a purple hue of excitement that was hard to deny.
He grabbed my wrist and wouldn’t let go. I had forgotten that he could be quite forceful when he didn’t get what he wanted. It wasn’t like he had done anything to make me feel like I was threatened in any way
“There’s no way that you can possibly leave me like this. That’s cruel and I thought that you were better than that. I taught you how to be the woman that I wanted. There was no guesswork.” I thought back on that time and he was right. I had no mind of my own and I let him guide me by the nose.
“You make that sound like it’s a good thing. I forgot what kind of man you are. I still feel that I can easily fall into the past. Your body is not exactly easy to walk away from. I’m just not sure if I’m that girl anymore. I want something better. What we had was one-sided and I don’t see that changing. I don’t see you changing and that’s the problem.” I’d found out what Gemini was trying to impart on me. Jones had the chiseled good looks and that smile that could send me into hysterical fits of insane laughter. He also was a man that had to have it his way or no way at all.
“I’m not done. I will not give up without a fight. The last thing that my father told me was to never let a moment go by that you didn’t cherish the one that you loved. He was the reason why I had to set my sights on you. He made me remember the girl that had only eyes for me. That type of devotion is something that I have been missing.” It was all starting to make sense. His father was a big influence in his life and losing him quite unexpectedly had sent him into a tailspin.
“I’m sorry for your loss. I think that I understand the motivation for you coming here now. I can’t be your lifeline. I can barely take care of myself let alone somebody else. I don’t even own a cat or plant because I know that they would die under my care. I can’t mend what is broken inside you.” I wanted to in the worst way possible, but that was something that he was going to have to do himself.
“I’ve always wanted to make my father proud. The only two things in my life that made sense were him and you. Everything else was window dressing including any woman that was unfortunate enough to find themselves in my bed. I need to give you a reason to believe that I have changed.” He left me standing there, as he zipped up and walked back to his motorcycle with helmet in hand.
He still had the flowing dark locks that gave him the appearance of some rebel without a cause. He revved the motor and I automatically could feel my legs quake with the memory of how it felt to have that beast underneath me.
* * *
“I have to give you credit for being able to pull yourself away from that. I don’t know if I could have walked away in your shoes. I’m not a woman, but I have had a couple of girlfriends that could be that bad influence.” I found August in the office and I told him about my impromptu meeting with Jones.
“I shouldn’t drop this in your lap. I could’ve easily told Gemini all of this, but I think that she would have told me that I should have taken one for the team. She has always stressed that the only way that I’m going to find closure is by getting underneath him or on top of him or having him come up from behind.” I thought for sure that he would run from the room, but August had shown this strength of character that I wasn’t expecting.