“It’s nice to see you, Cin. It’s been a while.”

“It has.” I forced a smile. Right now, my head was a mishmash of ‘should’s and ‘don’t’s’ and ‘oughts’. Was it bad that, as kind as Dr. Abraham was, I hadn’t missed her? She’d probably know if I lied about it.

“I’ve been busy with work,” I said, which was true.

She smiled – a real one that showed her gums.

“Getting on with our lives and being happy enough to be without our therapist is nothing to be ashamed of.”

Another forced smile on my part. The past few months, calling myself ‘happy’ would’ve been a generous term. Now though, ‘happy’ was one of the emotions I was cycling through on a daily basis; even sneaking out of Jake’s place the other morning.

We eyed each other, while I wondered how on earth to start.

“I met someone,” I finally blurted out, frowning.

Her kind eyes appraised me before asking her question. “Not one of the usual guys you’ve tried a few dates with over the years?” she asked.

“No,” I answered.

She nodded. “And is this someone anyone like –"

“No,” I said, cutting her off. For some reason, I didn’t want her to say his name. As if doing so would awaken his ghost along with my guilt.

“I’m not sure, really,” I said. “This feels different.”

Another smile. “That’s good. Brave of you, to stay with it.”

“That’s the problem.” I fiddled with the loose chair arm on my right side. “I’m not sure I can.”

The clipboard on the doctor’s lap was merely for show. I’d never seen her write on it, and when I spoke, she fixed an almost unsettling attention on me. “Oh? And why do you think that is?”

“I’m scared,” I admitted, my other hand in my pocket, holding my phone. Willing for it to buzz with a message.

A whole day, and I hadn’t heard anything from either of the twins. Had sleeping with Jake screwed everything up?

“And why do you think you’re scared?” the quiet prod of Dr. Abraham’s voice was saying.

“This is the first time I’ve felt this strongly about anyone since the car accident. And in this case, it’s with… I’m pretty sure it can’t work out.”

“No? Tell me a bit about this mystery man.”

Her eyes were the exact shade of the diamond-spangled cleaning cloths I used at home. Weirdly fitting, in how right now they were scrubbing away the last of my resistance.

I took a breath. “It’s not just one man, actually.”

“Oh?”

I sighed. Dr. Abraham and her ‘oh’s. Sometimes, being a therapist must be great fun, hearing people’s tightly wound secrets and great fears. Right now, though, ‘fun’ was the last thing I was having. Admitting to the older lady about sleeping with Jake was a bit like telling my mom. Not fun at all.

“They’re twins. One’s a boxer and the other is his manager. I met them at work and things have progressed from there and” – deep breath, Cin – “The other night I slept with Jake. But I’m worried it screwed everything up. I had this fun date with Owen, but after the other night I haven’t heard from either of them.”

I had been unthinkingly wobbling the chair armrest until an ominous creak stopped me. “It was stupid of me to think that I could be spending time and developing feelings for both of them like that. And not fair to either of them.”

“Why is that?” she asked.

I frowned. Dr. Abraham may have had a degree in psychology hanging proudly on her wall, but her secondary degree, the one not shown, was in playing devil’s advocate.

“Because they can’t possibly be ok with having to share me.”

“You know that for a fact?” she asked.

“No, I just… it doesn’t feel right. Being with two guys, having feelings for two guys. It could never work out long-term. I’d have to choose eventually, and then someone would get hurt.”

The way Dr. Abraham’s left brow quirked, I could tell that she was just itching to say ‘you know that for a fact?’ again. Although I was thankful she held back. We could talk about openness and people being understanding all we liked while we were safe here in her primrose-colored four walls. But at the end of the day, having two boyfriends didn’t work. It just didn’t.

“It seems you’ve made up your mind.” Dr. Abraham’s words were a statement, her gaze a question.

I sighed. “That’s just the thing, I haven’t. I’m annoyed with myself for all this indecisiveness, but I just can’t help it. I really like Jake, and I really like Owen. And the thought of losing either of them, or worse, driving a wedge between two brothers, terrifies me.”

“So you think it’s better to give them up now?”

“No.” I bit on the corner of a hangnail on my thumb. “I have no idea what’s better. That’s what I came to you for.”

Her smile was gentle, but firm. “You know that’s not the way it works. As a therapist, I can’t tell you how to live your life. Only you can do that.”

“But what if I have no clue?”

Dr. Abraham let a pregnant pause go by as she studied me before answering, “Sometimes when we know what is right, but it scares us, we aren’t able to follow through or even admit what we should do.”

I let my mind digest this for a minute, before shaking my head. “Maybe. But not in this case, I don’t think.”

When Dr. Abraham only nodded, I said. “So that’s it then? I should just keep seeing where this goes?”

She eyed me. “If that’s what you think. I think we can agree that writing off anything prematurely because of what happened to your fiancé, or based on what ‘isn’t right’, could be cause for regret further down the road.”

I nodded wordlessly, but Dr. Abraham’s smile was indefatigable. “Not what you hoped to glean here?”

“Not exactly,” I admitted. “I was hoping you’d tell me I had a screw loose getting feelings for two men at the same damn time. I was wanting you to let me off the hook, in a sense.”

“Sometimes, our fear acts like an arrow, straight toward what we need to try.” She blinked. “Other times, it’s a warning signal for us to pay attention, back away or just be careful.”

“Great, more shades of grey.”

She chuckled. “You know, Cin, you do look well. Better than I’ve ever seen you, I think.”

My cheeks flushed. “Thanks.”

She took one of my hands and clasped it warmly. “And don’t worry. Whatever happens, you’re going to be just fine.”

Good God, I hoped she was right.