Another exhausting night: not exactly what I needed right before the most important Monday morning in my career for the past five years.

I gave up on sleep at five and tossed the covers aside like a tarp at a breaking-ground ceremony. A shower improved my mood slightly, but not much. It was hard to ignore the knot of fear that had gathered in the pit of my stomach and was now occupying every spare moment of my thoughts.

I’d spent Sunday occupying myself with work, so I couldn’t justify any more time on my laptop. Instead, the next couple hours were spent cleaning my place from top to bottom. As I descaled the sink and polished the shower taps, I kept half an eye on the time. I poured all my fragmented attention into the tasks, trying to exhaust my brain out of overthinking everything.

As long as I got my ass to work on time, I could probably take off early if I really needed to. The Singapore project wrapping up had to give me a little leeway, right? I was totally lying to myself, but whatever got me through the hours until eight.

A cup or three of coffee later, I managed to nibble toast while I called an Uber to get to work. If I was upset, I didn’t want to be driving in Manhattan traffic. A distant part of my brain noticed that I was already making contingency plans in case I got fired. Always the efficient machine.

Couldn’t hold down a relationship, but at least I could keep my career together, right?

God, I wished my brain would shut up and let me relax. When I had a good thing going, I was bound to screw it up. I knew I must have fucked up on Saturday because I hadn’t gotten a good night or good morning text from Kev since. I’d meant to send one myself, but I’d fallen into a restless sleep almost right away. And texting at three in the morning to apologize was so not an attractive look.

I made myself send a text after I had another quick shower.

Morning :) Big day today. I hope yours is relaxing and the landlord fixes the shelf soon.

It was about all I could think to say without worrying him. I didn’t need to stress out even more people over my worries about things like getting fired. And I certainly didn’t want him feeling guilty for pressuring me not to accept the Dubai job.

Plus, there was the weird conversation I felt like I’d missed half of, between him and Adam.

The Uber arrival notification took me by surprise and I sprinted for the door, grabbing my coat. Damn thing must have reversed down my street or something to get here early. At least the ice had melted within the last few months. Sprinting down the sidewalk to the curb wasn’t the risky choice it was in January.

“Morning,” I greeted as I climbed into the backseat. I prayed I didn’t get a chatty driver, and luckily for me, he didn’t say much aside from returning my greeting.

That allowed me to settle back and stare out the window at the familiar passing scenery. My phone went off and my heart leapt into my throat.

God, I’d half-expected it to be Val saying not to come into work today, or ever again. I was really on-edge—much more than I’d even admitted to myself.

What’s going on? Fallout from the Dubai cancellation? xox

Yeah. She wants to talk about my future I think, I answered, chewing my lip as I stared at my phone screen.

The answer came quickly. OMG, you didn’t say. Hugs xoxoxo

At least that made me smile. Kev had a lot to learn about me and how I hid my stress, but he was trying to be supportive, and that meant a lot.

Hugs xox, I responded, trying not to feel like I was a kid writing letters to my grandma in Maine. It was much more Kev’s language than mine, but it earned me several kissing emoji in response.

I pocketed my phone and ran my hands through my hair. All I could do was wait for eight o’clock. The Uber got to the office a few minutes early, probably by violating traffic laws. He could have pressed a flying button on the console and I wouldn’t have even noticed, I was so wrapped up in my thoughts.

“Thanks,” I mumbled once I got there and loped into the elevator.

I was early enough that I missed the main rush of coworkers arriving one or two minutes before eight, at least. I’d probably have time for another cup of coffee—no, tea was a better idea at this stage of the morning. Caffeine jitters wouldn’t help anyone.

I managed to occupy enough of my attention with the hot water tap that Valerie had to call my name twice from the break room doorway.

“Oh. Oh, shoot, sorry.” I nearly spilled the cup as I snapped the lid on and followed her to the office.

“Still on Singapore time?” she said, not unsympathetic.

I half-smiled. “Oh, I’ve gotten used to that spacey feeling.”

She stopped in her doorway, and I had to stop sharply on my toes so I didn’t spill hot tea down her back. That was not the way to keep my job. “Do you want to do this another day?”

“No,” I said strongly. “No way.” The suspense would kill me. I’d rather get this over with, even if I didn’t speak perfectly or take in all of it, than wait days for the outcome.

“Close the door,” she told me unnecessarily before heading for the desk. Once it clicked shut, I joined her and sat opposite, and she folded her hands. “How did the trip go?”

“Great. The ceremony was good,” I said automatically. I never took much pleasure in grandstanding and ceremonies like that, but at least we’d gotten some photos for the firm’s website and press releases. The final opening ceremony would be a few more months while the finishings were done, but as far as I was concerned, my job was over.

“Glad to hear it. So, I’ve called Alex and canceled everything.” Valerie’s displeasure was easy to read on her face as her lips turned down. “We were all pretty disappointed.”

“So am I,” I told her. If I’d learned anything from Kev, it was how damn important it was not to tiptoe over something that really mattered to me. Like Kev wouldn’t accept being treated like shit, I wasn’t going to, either. “It’s a shame they’re building in a country that wants me dead.”

Valerie paused for a few moments, looking at me. “Yeah,” she finally agreed. “But our firm is expanding operations throughout southeast Asia and the Middle East as economies grow there. I’m going to need all hands on deck when we win bids. You know, through the normal process.”

I winced, not needing any more reminders of how rarely a job was handed to us on a silver platter. I’d really screwed things up for them. “I’m sorry I caused problems,” was all I said. “But I have a hard line. I tried to get over it, but I can’t. I won’t go there in the future. If that’s a problem…”

“I don’t know if it will be,” Valerie told me. “Most of our senior architects—gay or straight—have been flexible about where they’re willing to work.”

“I get that. That’s their choice, and this is mine,” I told her, my confidence growing. Looking for a new job sucked, but at least I was alive to do it.

This had once been my dream job—I’d been thrilled to be accepted as an intern, even as the rest of my life crashed and burned around me. They’d gotten the benefit of my desperation to drown myself in work, and I’d gotten… well, the start of a career.

But it was starting to feel a hell of a lot like a relationship that I’d outgrown. Which I hadn’t noticed before now, perhaps because I’d never had that chance. My few high school boyfriends had been childish, full of easy dumping and getting together. Then came Hugh, and… well, I’d never had the chance to outgrow that relationship.

“I’m getting the impression I’m not the best fit for this position,” I said calmly. It was a perfectly reasonable conclusion to draw from the available evidence.

Valerie’s look of relief was obvious, too. “Well…” she hedged.

“As long as I’ll get a good reference, I’m happy to move to a different firm. Somewhere I’ll either be responsible for projects here in the States, or stick to behind-the-scenes work.”

“That might be best for everyone,” Valerie agreed without hesitation.

Sounded like I’d just saved myself from being shunted out the door. I drew a breath of relief. “Right. I appreciate all that I’ve learned here.” And I’d miss my coworkers, sort of. They hadn’t been the worst. I didn’t really know many of them outside work…

Hell, who was I kidding? I’d just been coasting here, doing my time and gaining experience. As much as the position had outgrown me, I’d outgrown it in a different direction. And the culture had never quite been right for me.

“I’ll talk to the charity project today at my site meeting about who they want to take over my role,” I said, automatically working through my mental checklist. I’d miss walking away from the pro bono work. “Do you think Angus would be happy to take over?”

“He’s probably open to it,” Valerie said. “You can always ask.”

“Will do.” I stood up. “I’m not sure how long it’ll take me to find another position.”

“With our reference and your skills, I’m sure you won’t have trouble finding something you’re comfortable with,” Valerie told me, reaching out to shake hands.

I shook on it. “Thanks.”

As I headed out of her office for my desk, I added look for a new job to my mental checklist. At least I’d saved myself from a dubiously legal firing experience. Leaving on my own terms left everyone happier and saved face all around.

Just another happy Monday in the office.

Thankfully, I had a break mid-afternoon for the site meeting, and that passed in a flash. Toward the end, I brought up the uncomfortable conversation—asking if they’d be okay working with Angus to complete their vision.

“Oh, that’s a shame for us—but are you leaving for greener pastures?”

I hadn’t expected the reaction. “Uh… I hope so, yes.”

“Then congratulations are in order.” The guy shook my hand and grinned, and God, for a moment I envied Neil. He had a hell of a task in leading an organization trying to cut down on LGBT suicides nationwide. It had been my pleasure to take away as many headaches as possible with this process, at least.

But he was making a difference in a very concrete way. He could point at call logs. All I had to point to was vague statistics about my preferred architectural techniques and the psychological theories behind them.

“One thing,” I said, suddenly unable to help myself. “Look up kintsugi floor tiles. I was planning on using them, and I think Angus would appreciate that style.”

“What are they?”

I smiled to myself, thinking of those tea cups. “Tiles that have been cracked and are repaired, and they’re all the more perfect for it. Say, do you still have that job open?”

Neil blinked at me a few times. “Well, if you happen to have a counseling background as well as that architectural degree…”

I laughed abruptly. “No, not for me. Not even for someone who fits it yet. But I think it could be a dream job for someone.” When he raised an eyebrow, I added, “My boyfriend is looking for… a new direction in life.”

“Oh!” Neil lit up and beamed at me. “I had no idea—you never mentioned…”

“That I’m gay?” I quirked a smile. “Yeah. It never seemed relevant.” Even as I said it, I chuckled. I’d had several conversations about mental health and sexuality with him, and the ideal ways to support his staff’s mental health in this design. Still, I’d always felt like it was too much to mention what or who I was.

No more of that. I was going to make damn sure that I was present in every way from now on.

“Here you go,” Neil said, rummaging in a drawer of the desk to pull out the job ad. I snapped a quick photo to text Kev, though I didn’t have time to add a caption without being rude to Neil.

“Great. Thanks,” I told him and shook hands. “It’s been great working with you. I might just look at volunteering here if I find myself with more spare time in my next role.”

“For our sake, I hope so. We’d be delighted to have you,” Neil told me and smiled. “And your boyfriend, in whatever capacity.”

I finally let myself relax and enjoy the small talk just a little. It was the closest to a connection I was likely to find in this city, in this job. Just a little slice of community I’d found, but it was enough to make me feel that much less alone. Hugh’s mom had been totally right. I did need more.

I had Ben and Darren to talk to, though. And I hadn’t updated either of them on the status of this relationship in a while. Maybe I should do that. It felt like I was relearning how to be a good friend, but I sent a quick text in the Uber on the way back to work.

Tonight, I’d try to be a decent friend. I could relearn this if I just put my mind to it.

Maybe after that, I could be ready to be a decent boyfriend, too.