Walking into the bar, I spotted Ben immediately. He’d barely changed throughout the years since senior year of college, when we’d spent half our time in places like this.

Well, we’d hung out in “student-friendly” (cheap) dive bars, and we went to cocktail places now. He was just as comfortable in a sports bar or an upmarket lounge, but the sudden raucous cheering that tended to break out in sports bars at seemingly random moments unnerved me.

“Over here, Charlie!” Ben called, oblivious to the attention he drew to himself from other people here who looked like they’d like to be over there with him.

I bit back my grin. It wasn’t his fault he was unreasonably attractive. It was always hard to compete against that boyish smile and the size of his biceps, but we catered to very different tastes when we went out on the town together, so it had worked.

Maybe being hot made it hard to settle in a relationship, though. From what Ben had hinted through texts, his relationship status was back up in the air. Again.

“Hey,” I greeted and hugged him tightly. It was always good to see one of the few guys who’d stuck with me through thick and thin. “Oof!”

He squeezed the life out of me, as he always did, and I always complained it was unfair. “Hey, pipsqueak,” he greeted affectionately. “I got you a drink. Guess what kind?”

I had to stare at it for a few moments before I identified it. “Sex on the Beach? Funny.”

“Hey. Better to enjoy some free Sex on the Beach than paying for a Blowjob.”

I flipped him off, but the ungraceful snort of laughter I gave betrayed me. “Thanks for thinking of me,” I told him and sipped the sweet drink through its pink paper straw. Brooklyn was such a hipster place now, but little details like the straw made me appreciate it.

“Anytime.” Ben smirked and winked at me, then scooted his chair closer to the tiny round table. “So! Spill. More juicy details, please.” He tapped his wrist and the table.

It did nothing to raise my stress levels. I’d long since gotten over feeling pressured by anything Ben said or did. I worked at my own efficient pace—no slower or faster. And I’d already carefully planned what to say.

“I want to see him again.”

Ben stared at me for a few moments and then nudged my drink closer to me, like a good stiff drink would make me come to my senses.

I sighed and sipped it again as I gathered my courage. “I know he’s just doing a job, and I’m okay with that.”

“Are you really? Will you stay okay with that?” Ben asked. As usual, he cut right to the chase. He knew better than to try to lead me through a tangled emotional conversation. It was a waste of time.

“Dunno yet,” I shrugged. “I’ll find out, won’t I?”

Ben frowned and drained the rest of his cocktail, staying silent for a good minute while watching me. He didn’t say anything yet.

The silence was unnerving enough to prompt me to speak a little more. “I like him. He’s fun to hang out with. He’s been patient with me. If I jump on Tinder or whatever, I could just find some guy who’s willing to date me, sure. But it’s not like I’m the average twenty-something young professional in the city. I’ve got baggage.”

“So does everyone,” Ben pointed out.

I stuck my lip out for a moment and gazed into the distance as I considered this. He had a point. “Okay. But some guys don’t want to date people like me. They’ll always feel like they’re competing for affection with someone who they can’t beat.”

“Are they?”

I knew the answer to this one, at least. “No. If I’d been dating a few years ago, maybe. But not now. He’s like any other ex. We were separated by… death, rather than choice, but it’s still a past relationship.”

“He isn’t, though, is he? If you’re worried about telling Hugh’s family that you’re meeting another guy?”

Ben had me there. I realized that he was at least partly right. “I’ll have to think about that,” I admitted. “But I’m not stopping seeing him.”

“You’re putting an imaginary guy’s needs above your own,” Ben told me. “Let him decide if you’re dateable. Don’t stop yourself dating someone, just in case you find out you’re not up for it and hurt him.”

Still, it sat wrong with me. Going into something not knowing if I wanted it was a waste of everyone’s time. I shook my head. “It’s better this way. Besides… I want to see him again. It’s not just the safety, or whatever.”

Ben looked doubtful, but he nodded. “If that’s what it takes to get you back on the market.” He toasted me. “To your rekindled love life.”

I clinked glasses and drained mine, then got up to get the next round. By the time I made it back to the table, Ben was looking around the room in a very prowling way.

“Someone’s looking,” I teased, clapping his shoulder once I set down the drinks. I slid into the chair again and raised my eyebrows. “So?”

“Ivan dumped me,” Ben put it succinctly.

I winced. I’d figured it was a bad idea for him to date his boss, but I’d kept my opinion to myself, and… there it was. “Sorry, man.”

Ben snorted. “Nah. It was long overdue. He was just bored, and I was there, all starry-eyed and fuckable…”

“As long as he’s not being a dick on the job,” I told him.

“Nah. And you know what? I’m free to go to parties. I’ll be at the Cock every weekend. You should join me and get some,” Ben told me with a wink.

I’d half-expected this. “Me? In a foam pit? Or a darkroom?”

“Come on. You’ve got the whole hot nerd thing going on.” Ben sat back and assessed me with a critical eye. “Your shoulders are definitely broad. That’s a great silhouette to cover in foam. Artfully dab foam on your cheeks.”

“Oh, shut up,” I laughed to hide the blush. I would never fit in at that kind of place. Ben might be right at home in himself, but I was barely able to drag myself to a nice restaurant with a date. “I’ll do my thing, you do yours.”

“Is this a race?” Ben smirked. “First to get a new boyfriend?”

“I’ll lose that any day,” I shook my head.

Ben gasped and clutched his chest. “Are you calling me easy?”

“Um…” I smirked at him. “You used the word, I want it on the record.”

It was Ben’s turn to flip me off.

“Only compared to me?” I added.

Ben eyed me. “You’re making it worse. Stop while you’re only a few steps behind.”

“Okay, okay.” I nudged him. “So, catch me up on your life apart from Ivan not being good enough for you.”

I did my best to keep up with the information dump he treated me to over the next hour or so, asking questions at the appropriate times, but my mind was still on Kev. I wanted to tell Ben all about him. I wanted to tell him about the way he smiled gently at me, or the way he’d held my hand with such confidence, or the way he’d asked the right questions to get me to open up about everything—even Hugh.

Or the way he’d kissed me.

A few drinks later, Ben called me out. “You’re daydreaming about him.”

“No…” I blushed, averting my gaze. Suddenly, the mirrored backdrop of the bar was fascinating to me. “Just planning my weekend.”

“So, daydreaming about being with him.”

I opened my mouth and then shut it again.

“Fine,” Ben smirked. “Since I can’t talk you out of this, you have to keep me up to date. It’s the law, you know. And I’m going to take every chance I can to tease you. I’ve been waiting long enough for my chance.”

“Oh, God.” I rolled my eyes and pushed myself to my feet. “I can’t stop you. And I’m gonna call an Uber. I’m still not back in this time zone, you know.”

“No kidding. You must be wiped.” Ben stood up too, and pulled me in for a hug. “I’m gonna hang out here. There’s a guy over in the corner, by himself…”

I cast a quick sideways glance and caught him looking at Ben. “Yeah, you’re in. Have fun with that.”

Ben smirked. “I plan to.”

It didn’t take long for me to get home—or maybe that was the cocktails talking. By the time I got there, though, I’d made up my mind.

I opened my WhatsApp conversation with Kev and tapped out a new message.

Free tomorrow afternoon? Let’s do lunch? 2-3 hrs?

I wanted to make it clear I still expected to pay, in case he thought I was trying to get a freebie. I knew some guys tried to pull that stunt and date women in the industry so they could get sex for free… but it usually ended when they realized the sex was just like any other relationship.

Then, in the evening, I could go talk to Hugh’s family. They didn’t have to know I was dating anyone yet. I might bring up that I was interested in seeing guys again, or maybe not.

I hummed to myself and grabbed my laptop to check my work emails. Only after I’d done that, responded to a few, and added to my Monday to-do list did I realize I was literally trying to soothe my dating anxiety with work.

“God, Ben was right,” I mumbled, pushing my laptop to the other side of the bed. It wasn’t the worst addiction I could have, but it was still something I was using to numb my feelings. And it wouldn’t help me get my life balance back to some semblance of normal.

But was it worth cutting back on work before I had anyone to cut back for?

I flopped onto the bed. The bar had actually been surprisingly nice to spend time in with someone I knew, but being home alone suddenly emphasized how damn quiet it was here all the time.

No wonder I spent as little time in my own bed as I could.

All my thoughts nearly distracted me from the fact that I hadn’t yet heard back from Kev. Maybe he was with another client, I reasoned, but I still worried that that wasn’t it. Maybe he didn’t want to see me again. Maybe I was so undateable that I couldn’t even pay for it.

I fell asleep without getting an answer.