* * *

Rachel and I sat outside on her terrace with the barbeque lit. We were roasting marshmallows and eating ice cream. We’d just finished a tub of Baskin Robbins oh so delicious strawberry ice cream between us, and went on to grab another tub. Chocolate and hazelnut praline this time.

I told Rachel all that happened today with Gertrude, and she was still laughing about it.

I wanted to talk about Tristan too, but held back. I’d noticed that since this whole thing with Tristan and I began, talking to Rachel usually unearthed my fears and deep emotions.

To be honest my thoughts today took me in a direction I never expected and I guessed I must have been more worried about what would happen next than I realize. I almost didn’t want to talk about it because I didn’t want to spoil it.

I didn’t want to spoil the wild romance Tristan and I have. I liked this whole listening to my body. It made me feel good to do something I naturally wanted. Rather than thinking about whether or not someone is a safe option for me.

My body reacted to Tristan, and I couldn’t help but want him, and want more of the passion we have.

I’ve never allowed myself to feel like this before, and I seriously don’t want to spoil it.

“I’m so proud of you Zoe.” Rachel beamed twirling her marshmallow over the fire. It puffed up a little as the heat wafted over it.

“Thank you. I just hope I get the job. Gertrude could still get it.” I widened my eyes and cringe at the thought.

“No, any chance she had went out the window today. Trust me.” Rachel nods and I believe her. Maybe if someone else had seen Gertrude and I arguing the effect would have been different.

I still don’t want to get too cocky and count my chickens before they hatch. It’s always wise to expect the unexpected. I was lucky to have gotten through the first round of applications and be where I am. I’d surpassed some really great teachers who could have easily had my spot.

Gertrude didn’t do herself any favors with her behavior today, but even I had to admit that she was a good teacher. One who could be improved if she embraced more teaching methods. The fact that she had a double Masters in classical literature and philosophy was on her side. She had the philosophy part over me. In grad school I choose art history as a minor to compliment my classical literature studies. That was purely for interest because I loved anything from the Renaissance and post romantic era. I thought it was great to be able to combine literature with art and that was one of the things I did when I taught my class. Again it made it more alive for my students.

Gertrude also had more than a decade’s worth of experience than me. That by itself was admirable, and the board could favor someone who was more mature, and had years behind them.

“It would be nice to get the job. It really would.”

“You deserve it Zoe. I don’t know anyone who works as hard as you.” Rachel beamed as she said that and flicked away a wayward strand of her hair.

“You work really hard,” I pointed out because Rachel’s advertising company has always done wonders.

“I do, but maybe I play too hard too.”

I laugh at that. “No sex clubs this week?”

“No. The first time was cool and an eye opener, we went back another time but then I had to call it a day after Jack wanted to go again.”

“You went twice?” I gasped in disbelief.

“Yeah.” She gritted her teeth.

“Is it out of your system?”

“It’s out trust me.”

“And Jack?” I had to ask because it sounded like the end had come.

“Sadly, that was it for us. It’s Rob now.”

“Oh my goodness.” She sure moved fast. I wasn’t surprised though because she was always the same. To be honest she was almost like the girl version of Tristan. “Okay tell me about Rob.” I smiled.

“Ex-marine with an amazing body. I met him at a bar in town last week.” She giggled saucily and I know that they did more than just meet.

“Cool. How’s that going?”

“It’s all good. I like him.” She inclined her head and then narrowed her eyes at me. “Now Zoe let’s get to the crux of this evening. I want to hear about you and Tristan. I get brownie points for not asking you the minute I saw you. And I get bonus points for waiting this long to dive in with questions.”

She was right. She should get both brownie and bonus points. I did want to launch into conversation about Tristan, but I told her about Gertrude first. I’d been here for just over an hour and we’d talked about that.

“I don’t know what to say Rachel.” I honestly don’t know what to tell her. There is so much inside my head right now that there’s a chance it could explode.

“How are you guys?”

“Really good.” I say and blush at the same time. “Really good.”

“I’m so glad you took my advice for once.”

“What do you mean by for once?”

“With men?” She says with emphasis.

I stopped and thought about that. She’s right I didn’t tend to listen to her when it came to men.

“Yeah I suppose.”

“Of course. Remember I always thought there was something off key with Brian and I didn’t like his hair.”

I had to laugh. She hated Brian’s hair. Thinking back now he kind of did have bad hair. Or rather it was him who didn’t know what to do with it. He kept it longish on top and the style should have been short back and sides with maybe three to four inches on top but his was longer and flopped over his face with no style. This was down to him insisting on cutting his own hair himself. Or, maybe the wife did it.

I recalled the disheveled image of her, and I remembered she had bad hair too.

It doesn’t matter. I’m not the kind of woman to throw insults because I was rejected or lied to, so I pushed the two out of my mind. They don’t belong there.

“So, what does really good mean?” her face lit up with expectancy.

“I…don’t know.” I said because I don’t know anything. I lean back against the chair and allow the cool night air to fill my lungs.

“How can you not know?” Rachel prods, reaching over to poke my arm. “You guys are together now.”

“Are we?” I commented. “We’re not just friends anymore. And when things go back to the way they were, I know we won’t be the same. Well at least me. I know I won’t be the same.”

Rachel offered me a sympathetic look and I held her gaze. She can see that I’m not a hundred percent okay and that I’m worried.

“When? What do you mean when things go back to the way they were? Do you seriously believe they will?” she looked at me like the thought is ridiculous. But actually, it’s not.

“They will Rachel.” I answer, but there was an ache in my heart as I said it.

“What makes you think that they will sweetie? This is Tristan. He adores you.”

“That won’t stop him from ditching me. In fact because he knows I adore him too, he’ll probably think I’ll get over it quicker because I’ll forgive him like I always do.”

Rachel gasped with utter surprise, puts her marshmallow down and moves over to be closer to me. She sits in front of me now and simply stares, mouth open.

“Zoe, let’s put this in context. Tristan wouldn’t hurt you like that.”

It was good she believed that because I didn’t. “He’s…a ladies man. He is and I know that. It’s like that annoying saying people have of picking up a snake and expecting it not to bite you, or wishing for it to be something else. But it’s a snake and that’s what they do. They bite and sometimes they can kill. It’s the same with him. I’ve gone through years of watching him with one woman after another. The long relationships would last maybe a good six or eight weeks and then he’d get bored.”

Wow, that was me venting. It was all coming out. And…now that my emotions and worries were coming out I felt the fantasy I wanted to hold on to waiver. I’m spoiling it. The more I talk I’m spoiling it.

“And you think he’ll get bored? Of you?”

“He’s probably bored already.” I expressed. Now that I’m talking I can’t stop. The horrid feeling I had worsens. It pulls at my chest and I feel a little sick like throwing up. There’s every chance in the world that he’s bored with me already, even with the interest he showed this morning.

And if he is or is getting there then that’s it.

The end.

“Zoe, you look pale, and we’re in faint light.” She points out.

I’m not surprised I look pale. I feel lightheaded.

“I’ve been thinking about this a lot.” I confessed.

“I can see that, but I can also see something else.”

“What?” I chuckled and hoped she doesn’t tell me some madness about my aura. She says things like that sometimes and it drives me mad. “What do you see?”

“You look really disappointed and worried. Can I point out that we barely spoke about your loss of Brian and that was really bad.” She raised her brows

“I know. And, you’re right about it all.”

She looked closer at me and gave me a speculative look.

“Are you falling for him Zoe?” she asked.

My eyes widened and I smirked like she’s accused me of something bizarre, but then I caught my tongue as I was about to deny it.

Then realization dawns on me and I shy away in my mind and recede into my thoughts again.

Falling.

Like being in love?

I never had the feeling before but that doesn’t mean I don’t recognize that, that’s what’s happening to me. I’m falling for him and I can’t. I shouldn’t. It would be like throwing myself under a bus while it was speeding down the highway.

“It wouldn’t be a bad thing you know.” Rachel commented with a shrug.

“Yes,” I sighed. “It would be terrible. I know him so well. I’ll be just like any other woman to him. My feelings won’t make any difference.”

“I think it couldn’t hurt to talk to him. Maybe you could see what he thinks of you guys and where you’re heading.”

I’m shaking my head before she can even finish talking.

“No, I won’t. That’s one sure ticket to dumpville. He hates the idea of a serious relationship. For him it means being tied down and held back. He likes his freedom.” He’s told me this himself.

“But maybe that’s because he hasn’t met the one person yet who’d make him want to try.” Rachel pointed out.

I shook my head again. “It’s not that. It’s just how he is.”

I thought back to all the girlfriends. Some of them were quite nice, I was okay with them. Like Denise. Apart from her attachment to him, there wasn’t anything wrong with her. Plus, I know what Tristan is like. He was the typical guy who will say whatever he things a woman wants to hear. He would do it without thinking that there was a chance she’d believe him.

I’m so crazy stupid, because he sounds all kinds of wrong for me. I can’t stand guys who behave like him, and it would even be foolish for me to believe that I’m the only one he’s been with in the last few weeks?

There is no commitment to me.

I’m just Zoe.

“Can I play the open mind card again?” She asks now looking more concerned.

I can’t answer. Instead I shake my head. There’s nothing more to say as I feel displaced and out of sync.

I’ve taken my worries to the next level with this talk. It just highlighted to me that I couldn’t allow myself to think of this thing with him as anything other than fun. I listened to my body and gave it the fun it craved.

I couldn’t hope for anything more.

Realistically if I get hung up on the reality of it all I should end it. I should put a stop to this whirlwind romance before I get hurt, again.

Although, this time would be worse. I would lose him. Lose my best friend. I love Rachel to bits, but the friendship I shared with her was different to what I had with Tristan.

I would be completely crushed if I allowed myself to get that serious about him and have things not work out.

He was the one constant in my life, from way back.

It’s funny how he always thought that he needed me more than I needed him, but I do need him. I needed him too. He was an integral piece of me and I couldn’t even remember what life was like without him.

So no, I can’t fall for him.

That would be risky, far too risky. So I couldn’t. I mustn’t.

Even though my heart wants me to.

I have to do everything I can to stay afloat and not fall.

* * *

* * *

I should focus. I was in a meeting and I needed to focus.

I had to stop thinking about Zoe just for a little longer. Maybe another half an hour tops and we could wrap it up. I wanted to go home early and make her favorite meal. She liked Mexican food, specifically enchiladas and quesadillas. I was going to do that for her and maybe grab some wine. It sounded like some celebration. She’d probably think I was weird and wonder why I was doing it but I wanted to.

I wanted to celebrate her.

We’d been together for six weeks and it had been the happiest time I’d ever had in my life. I couldn’t wait to see her, but I needed to focus on finishing this meeting.

Gibbs and I been talking for over an hour with the five members of senior management, Lucas the owner of the team, and Jeff and Chad who were part of my team.

We’d been talking about the plans we had for the next few weeks, particularly when the Centaurs started training. I’d come up with a few events I wanted to squeeze in before then.

“I like this. It all sounds good.” Lucas nodded with approval.

He has always been satisfied with my work but hearing him say it was always nice to hear. It gives me his seal of approval that I’m doing okay, and doing what he wants for his team.

“Thank you.”

Everyone looked happy. That meant my job was done.

“Great. I’ll finalize everything then and get the ball in motion.” I replied smiling.

That wrapped up the meeting.

Lucas stands and gives me a pat on my shoulder. “Good job kid. I’m proud of you. Keep up the good work.” He says still giving me that look of pride.

Kid.

I couldn’t believe he still calls me that, but I get it. I’m nearly half his age and he always called me kid. I’ve known him since I started playing pro ball, so that’s a lot of years. He called me kid to piss me off when my old team rivalled his. And he called me kid as a sign of appreciation and respect when he gave me this job.

It was cool.

He left with the senior team, leaving me and my guys in the room.

Jeff loosened his tie and ruffled his shirt the moment the door closed. We always got suited and booted for official meetings. I didn’t mind it but the other guys couldn’t stand it.

“God, I’m so tired right now.” Jeff huffed rubbing his face and pulled his shirt out of his trousers. The transformation was from professional business man to what I called high school brat. One of those guys you’d have to keep reminding to fix their clothes, and now he was ruffling his hair.

Yep, he looked like he was in high school alright. Although the man was in his mid-thirties like me.

I shake my head wondering what the hell could have made him so tired.

“Why’s that Jeff?” I asked.

“It’s listening to you talk bull shit.” He joked and threw a stress ball at me.

I caught it and throw it straight at Gibbs who’s laughing at me.

“I wasn’t talking shit.” I defended.

“I’m messing man.” Jeff laughed too, along with the others. “I’m tired because of the girls. Who knew that two small creatures could cause so much trouble.”

Jeff had twin girls. I’d worked with him for the last five years and he’d changed dramatically. He was the first one of us to settle down and get married and he was the only one of us to have kids.

Chad had a long-term girlfriend and I suspected he was going to pop the question soon. He had that look I’d seen with most people when they knew they’d found the right person and were happy.

In our four man team they’d been the serious level headed ones, while Gibbs and I acted like perpetual bachelor’s. Forever twenty one, or whatever age people said.

The funny thing was weeks ago I could have seen myself staying that way forever, indeed perpetually. I could have seen myself going to the usual clubs and parties and hooking up with any woman I wanted. Then everything changed with Zoe, and I changed too.

Was it too early to say that?

It was only six weeks. But I hadn’t known her for six weeks. I’d known her forever. Since I was seventeen. That was a lot of years.

“Small creatures?” Gibbs frowned. “You call your children creatures.”

“Yes Gibbs all they do is eat, scream the house down, try to make me crazy by wrecking the place and I swear to God they must have some kind of hive mind because they look at each other like they can read the other ones thoughts.”

“You idiot.” Chad snapped. “That is stupid.”

I started to laugh because Jeff looked like he actually believed it. I might too from the sounds of the craziness.

“Hey don’t judge me. Wait till you have kids.” Jeff snapped at Chad.

“You can babysit.” Chad teased.

“I will do no such thing. You haven’t even offered to watch mine for five minutes.”

Chad shook his head. “Because they freak me out that’s why.”

We all laughed this time.

“Okay ladies that’s enough drama.” I said looking over at the clock on the wall behind them. It’s two. If I leave now I can get all that I need at the supermarket and get to the connoisseur to pick the wine. Zoe should be home by around seven. “I have to wrap this up. I have things to do.”

“Things?” Gibbs looked at me and gave me a knowing look.

“What?” I asked smiling coyly. I got like this when there’s any mention of Zoe. And I know he’s thinking about her now, because it’s obvious I am.

“You’re calling her a thing now?” Gibbs reached across and smacked me in my stomach.

“Zoe thing,” Jeff teased.

When I told them all about Zoe weeks ago they weren’t surprised. And, actually it was more like they dragged it out of me. I hadn’t said anything to anyone about Zoe because I didn’t know what she thought.

I was taking one day at a time, but it was becoming pretty pressing that we’d have to talk soon about what we were doing. Our parents were both visiting for Independence Day and we would need to tell them something. My dad would know straightway that we were seeing each other just from looking at us, and he wouldn’t be the one to be discreet either even if we asked him.

If it got to the point where we asked him I knew he would drop obvious hints and everyone would know within the hour.

The thing is I didn’t care. I wanted everyone to know, I wanted to shout it from the rooftop, but I had to hold back. There was a lot to think about. For a start, I knew that if I was someone else she wouldn’t even look in my direction. I wasn’t the type of guy she would normally go for, not one bit. She was perfect to me, but I knew that I wasn’t even half that for her.

The other thing was she knew me. She knew every little thing about me. That was what made us work. But it also meant she’d seen how I’d been with women.

Man-whore.

Again I thought of how it seemed funny at the time when she said it. I’d laughed at her for calling me something so ridiculous. But it plagued me now.

“What makes you think I’m seeing Zoe?”

Jeff burst out laughing. “Will you look at this wise guy.” He comments and I can’t resist I give in.

“Okay, I’m trying to get rid of you guys so I can go see my girl.”

“Oooo, my girl. That has a slightly different ring to it now than when you punched me for looking at her.” Chad wiggled his fingers.

“You deserved it for the way you were looking at her.” I pointed at him. It was before he met his girlfriend, and I could still remember the day and the punch. I felt bad for it after but he did deserve it.

“Whatever man,” Chad winced.

“I don’t think you’ll have far to travel.” Gibbs intoned with a smile. “Looks like she came to you.”

He was looking through the window so I followed his gaze and saw her.

Zoe. She’s here.

I can’t help it but my heart leaps at the sight of her and I feel excited that she came to see me.

I walked over to the window to look outside, to get a better look.

We were on the second floor meeting room which has the best view of the garden. The garden view however just became more beautiful as the angel walked through it, lighting up the path with her radiance. She wore one of those wrap over skirts I liked. Blue today, navy blue, and the white slinky top she wore that dropped off one shoulder made her look elegant. It was such simple clothes, but she gave it style.

And that hair. It was tied back in a ponytail but the long strands of the ends ripple against the wind, and I could see those high exotic cheekbones from here. She was wearing red lipstick. The same color as the rose she stopped to admire. The other day I told her how much I liked her in red lipstick.

I was already moving to go to her before my brain told me to.

“Have fun.” Gibbs called out in a sing song voice after I went through the door.