* * *

I was just protecting my heart and doing what I thought was best for us both.

Every time I was with him, it got harder and harder to hold on to logic, and reasoning. I found myself falling for him, so hard and so fast that the only thing I could do to prevent myself from heartbreak was to reign in my feelings. Block them out, so that I couldn’t hear or feel.

Ignore them.

Inside my head, when he asked me to be his what I felt was pure excitement. I felt hope that maybe I was wrong to have all the worries and concerns I had. I could have jumped up and down for joy and said yes again and again but then I realized it was indeed too fast, and too soon.

Too soon for me to forget all I’d seen for a lifetime, too soon for me to forget that Tristan really was a man whore and if I went down that road there was a ninety percent chance I’d lose him.

We’d lose all that we’d built up for years because of a bad decision. Me agreeing to be his, then getting hurt when it all went to hell, and then me leaving because I wouldn’t be able to live the way we had feeling so heartbroken.

I saw how it hurt him when I said I’d think about it. That was perhaps the worse thing I could have said, especially after having mind blowing sex.

There was that too. The sex. It didn’t feel like sex. It felt like it had reached a point where there was more.

I wanted to hold back then too but I couldn’t. My brain was incapable of thought when he touched me.

Now I knew I’d worried him, and the next few weeks proved me right.

He barely left my side other than to go to work, and he was always home before me. Like he was trying to make a statement. Like he was going over and beyond himself to show me that he wanted me to be his.

The fact that it reached well past my sell by date for the length of his usual relationships was a sign in itself.

It was now ten weeks.

We’d been together for ten whole weeks.

The time had flown by. I was also looking at days before I was to submit my portfolio for the head of department role. My students were starting their end of year exams next week and I was completely on edge for them and for my situation with Tristan. I was very aware that it had been a month since he’d asked me to be his and I still hadn’t given him an answer.

It was good that he hadn’t asked again, or forced the issue but I sensed that was coming. Although we were still wrapped up in each other and had sex a few times a day I knew it wouldn’t sit well with him that I hadn’t given him the answer he wanted to hear.

A yes.

I suspected the dinner we were now going to was about that.

He took me shopping during the day and he bought me a very beautiful dress from the new Dior collection. It was a Prussian blue bodycon with diamonds splashed across the fabric. The dress costed ten thousand dollars. I’d simply wandered over to it in Nordstrom to feel the fabric and admire the unusual way that it sparkled. I didn’t know at the time about the diamonds.

When he saw that I liked it he insisted I had it and wear it later for our date.

He’d said date even without thinking about the word, and when he realized he apologized. I felt bad and told him it was okay, besides it wasn’t as if we hadn’t been out together. We just hadn’t given our going out a label and called it a date.

Now we were here at Cartier De Provencia, a truly fancy restaurant that only wealthy and famous dined at. He brought me here a few years ago for our friendship anniversary.

Tonight had no other occasion and he’d gone all out too to get us a private section with a great view of Malibu Beach.

The lights that ran along the beach looked like balls of fire against the darkness of night. It was beautiful and I felt bad that I couldn’t allow myself to enjoy it.

I felt bad that I couldn’t allow myself to enjoy him. At this point, fear had taken over and I found myself trapped.

“Thank you for bringing me here,” I smiled at him in adoration and allowed myself to savor the time I’m spending with him. This is nice. The venue, us together here and the mood. It is a date. It’s what a date should feel like.

He looked over at me from across the table and gave me that dazzling smile that melted my heart and made my knees weak. He looks really good, as always. He’s wearing an olive green shirt because he knows I like that color on him, and he has that classic Hollywood look that captures me. He’s done his hair that way too, with the suave of a dark haired James Dean. During our early weeks together I confessed my classic Hollywood obsession.

He was shocked that he didn’t know that about me. I never thought at the time that he would take it on board and dress that way, just because I liked it. Tonight he really went all out, and I found myself staring, lost in the perfect masterpiece that he is.

“You are more than welcome.”

“You’re spoiling me Tristan,” I pointed out blushing.

“You deserve to be spoiled. Besides…” His voice trailed off and I took in his blue gaze. His eyes looked sad. “I still get to spoil the part of you that belongs to me. You’re still my best friend.” A smile inched across his sensual mouth but I knew he wasn’t okay. The smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

“About what baby?” He avoided looking at me and focused instead on pouring the wine that the waiter brought over to us when we’d arrived.

“That I haven’t given you an answer yet.” I had to say something.

“To what question would that be for baby?” He looks at me now, but I knew he could sense that I still didn’t have an answer for him.

“You asked me if I would be yours.” I said softly.

His shoulders slump and I watch the cool demeanor on his face recede. He leans forward on to the desk.

“Do you have an answer for me now?”

We gaze at each other, and the silence that passes in the space between us actually hurts me. I’ve never felt awkward around him before. But I do now. I feel that awkwardness from the tension of my inability to give him a yes. I watch the one person I care about more than anything in this world look at me with pure sadness, but I was still holding on to the last thread of reality that was keeping me from slipping over the edge.

My worries of losing him when this goes wrong come right to the forefront of my mind and my hands start to shake.

“No.” I heard myself say, and I felt my heart fold in on itself, saddened and distressed from my words. I felt so bad to say it, and worse to see his sad reaction, but I have to be honest. I don’t have a decision.

He forces a smile and shrugged. “It’s okay, I get it. I do. Let’s just enjoy tonight. You look beautiful.”

“Thank you.” I reached out my hand to him and he took it, brought it to his lips and kissed it. He continues to hold on and keeps my hand at his cheek while he holds my gaze. The small, simple gesture has such an effect, and I wonder how much further I can hold on before I truly slip away and have no control.

I wonder if he knows how scared I am of losing him. I don’t think so.

This is the first time I look at him and I know he doesn’t have a clue as to what I’m thinking. Because he’s hurt.

The next day I got home before him.

Being in the house alone felt strange, weird even.

I’d grown used to him being here when I got home from work, and having dinner ready with some TV game show going on in the background.

I handed in my portfolio today. It was the scariest thing ever but it was done and I was looking forward to seeing Tristan to tell him.

He knew today was the deadline, but it was different talking about it. Particularly since I’ll know tomorrow by lunch time if I was successful or not.

Priscilla had explained that the panel would look over my application along with Gertrude’s and decide on the best person. I’d been shaking in my heels ever since.

When an hour passed and I didn’t see him I started to worry. Another hour passed and it was now going on eight. I was about to call him when I heard his car.

I straightened up against the sofa when the door opened and watched him come in.

“Where were you? I was worried.” I blurted. When he looked at me I noticed that there was something off about him.

He looked pissed off.

“No need to worry, I’m back.”

“I made dinner, are you hungry?” I could tell he’s pissed off with me.

“No, I’m going out.” He said taking his jacket off.

“Out?” The other week he’d said that if he was going out it would be with me. But now he just sounds like the old Tristan.

“Out.” He confirmed and grabbed his white leather biker jacket from the coat stand.

“Who are you going with?” The question fell straight from my lips without entering my brain first.

I was surprised by the laugh he gave me. It’s sarcastic and full of hurt. “Baby, sometimes I swear I don’t get you. You don’t want to be my girlfriend but you want us to keep acting like a couple. That there was a girlfriend question. You never asked me that before we started screwing around. You can’t ask me that now.”

I feel terrible, but he’s right.

“Tristan –”

“No, don’t. I can’t do it tonight. So, I’m going out. I don’t want to be reminded of the man-whore that I am and that I’ll probably end up waiting forever for you to give me an answer. So don’t. Save it baby.”

I held back the tears until he leaves and then I allow them to fall.

I was losing him, and it was my fault for the fear I felt.

I’ve never put anyone else through this, because I’ve never felt like this about anyone before.

But he’s right. We’re acting like a couple but I don’t want to give us the label for fear of losing what I hold special with him.

However, being this way with him will hurt us both.

I decide that if I get a chance. If he comes back and I get the chance I’ll take it. I’m still scared, but I’ll try to move past the fear.

I will be his.

* * *

* * *

I’d dragged Gibbs out.

The poor guy begged me not to go and to stay at home. We went to Morrey’s Bar. The place I used to love for the great pool table and the fine women.

I’d never left Morrey’s without getting laid.

That wasn’t why I was here tonight. Contrary to Gibbs belief, I didn’t come here to pick up women, or get laid. I didn’t even come here to look for anyone who could fit into any of those categories.

I was here for the simple, simple reason of just needing to be somewhere I could relax. I needed to be the old Tristan. I just needed to feel like the guy I was, who was always in control.

That version of myself could get a grip of a situation and not spiral out of control like this pathetic love sick sap I’d become.

It was laughable that this was me now. If only I could forget the last few months I’d spent with Zoe, but even if I wanted to I couldn’t.

I couldn’t move past my feelings for her, and the fact that I couldn’t make her see that I’d changed and wanted her more than anything was driving me insane.

I was too worked up and anxious to be around her. Earlier I thought that by staying back at work it would provide the distraction I needed. But it didn’t.

By the time I got home I was more antsy and I would have probably ended up arguing with Zoe if I didn’t leave.

The truth was I had no right to argue. She was right to be on her guard about me, because she’d seen first hand how I was.

I knew this, I did but it didn’t make me feel better. And, there was always the chance she could just decide that being with me was too much for her and drop me flat. You couldn’t make someone be with you if they didn’t want to. That was the realization I was faced with today.

I knew her. When she wanted something she took it wholeheartedly. When she didn’t, she would act unsure and then come to the conclusion that whatever it was that she wasn’t keen on was a no.

Well that was me. She wasn’t sure about me and the conclusion she could come to could be a no.

“You know I’m not condoning this one bit.” Gibbs huffed and sipped on his beer.

I looked over to him as he turned his baseball cap around so it was backwards.

“We’re just having fun man. No harm done.” I smile ignoring the nagging feeling that it’s wrong, me coming here.

I feel worse when I turn and lock eyes with Kelly, a waitress I’ve indulged on more than my fair share of times. She’s on the upper deck serving a bunch of guys.

She set her tray down and makes her way over to me in that sassy way oozing sex appeal.

Gibbs turns and sees her.

“Asshole, I’ll beat you to a pulp if you go anywhere with her.” Gibbs snapped pointing his finger. “I mean it Tristan. So help me God. Don’t do something stupid.” He huffed, face turning red.

“Relax.” I tell him. “I don’t plan to.”

I looked at Kelly and smiled as she stopped in front of me. Bright brown eyes looking me over with zest, and her hair in wild curls.

“Hey stranger. I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Been busy.” I say.

“Yes with that rash.” Gibbs practically shouted.

We both look at him. I stare him down knowing what he’s trying to do.

“Gibbs, don’t man.” I warned him keeping my shoulders squared so that he could see how serious I was.

Gibbs frowns holds up his hands and walks away, leaving us. Leaving me.

I’m brought back to the woman before me when she touches my chest and runs her fingers across it.

“How about we get reacquainted?” she cooed and gave me a purely sexual smile.

It’s amazing. That little smile used to do so much to me. In the past she’d come over just like this when I would come along on her shift. We’d go out in my car and stay away for hours.

I looked down at Kelly, I could see her right in front of me looking hot with her sassy mouth and that sexy look she was giving me, but suddenly the view of her before me was replaced by my beautiful Zoe, my angel.

I didn’t think I’ve seen such beauty and in my mind I recall how she looked that day when she asked me to give her time. I recall that innocence spark I love that flickers in her eyes when I touch her, and that gleam she has which is mine.

It would be so easy to go, so easy to go and be the man whore Zoe thinks I am. But I’m not that guy anymore. I’m not the old Tristan I came here looking for. That guy had everything and was blind to what he had, he had Zoe and never saw her for who she was. I’m not him anymore. It’s only been a handful of months, but I’m not him.

I’m not a man whore because there is only one woman in this world for me, and it’s not Kelly, or Beth, or Denise, or any of the others. It’s Zoe Carter.

Coming here, was a mistake, even if I was just here to relax.

The problem was what it represented.

I felt impatient, and antsy about Zoe not giving me an answer, but coming here only placed me in a place that was part of the problem. If she even knew I came here she’d draw the only obvious conclusion there was to come to. She’d think I came here to get laid. And, I don’t want that. I need her to trust me. I need her to trust me to be true to her. It’s more than the way she trusts me to be her friend. I need to give her time.

“I can’t. Good to see you though.” I backed away from Kelly leaving her looking a little surprised.

I turned away and left for good deciding that this is the last time I’ll be coming to this place.

Zoe is still up when I get home.

She’s still sitting on the sofa, exactly where I left her and she looks drained.

I haven’t been out long but she seems relieved I’m back.

As I look at her I tap into the deep emotion I feel for her. It was like a tangible life force that couldn’t be denied. I wanted her. Her, and only her.

“Baby.” I reached for her.

She practically flies over to me, and into my arms where it feels so good to hold her. I nuzzled my face in her hair and relish the sweet scent of her.

This feels good to me, she feels good to me, she feels like she’s mine. I can’t mess this up with impatience. I can’t push her to a limit I know she’s not comfortable with.

I have to do everything I can to secure this.

There’s a reason why I’ve never felt the way I feel for her with anyone else. There’s a reason why I need her, always.

It’s ironic, but it’s also the same reason for my impatience.

It’s so plain to me as I stood here holding her.

I felt like this because I’m in love with her.