Twenty-Two
Things were still going creepily well between Brooks and I when he dropped a bomb on me.
Quite possibly I was overdramatic and it wasn’t a bomb at all, but when he told me he had an overnight conference—three overnights, to be exact—in Cleveland, I wanted to cry. How did I go from being the girl with the self-proclaimed black heart to the girl who cried because she’d miss her boyfriend too much after three freaking nights?
“You’ll be here when I get back, right?”
I laughed, but could tell it was a very real question. I did disappear before. “Yes. I promise.”
He kissed me then. The kiss to end all kisses, it ensured without a doubt I’d wait for him until the end of time. All the same, it was agonizing to say goodbye and I even contemplated climbing into his suitcase.
“You know what we could do to make this separation a little easier?”
“No,” I said while standing on my tiptoes. I had my arms around his neck like a human tie. Brooks was dragging me to the front door as he tried to make his exit. “What can we do?”
“Sext.”
“Sext?”
He nodded his head in such a staid fashion that I laughed out loud. “Come on,” he said while un-draping my arms, “I’m serious.”
“I dunno. I feel like that would…frustrate me more.”
He gave me that “you’re being dramatic” eye roll, but I knew he was loving my reaction. I was giving him a hard time and he was eating it all up. He offered me that devilish grin that could get me to do anything and grabbed at my nearly naked body.
“Come on. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”
How could a girl say no to that?
A few minutes after Brooks left, there was a knock on the door. It was Aaron…of course it was Aaron. I was only wearing panties and one of Brooks’s t-shirts, but what was the point in hiding it anymore?
“Ollie.” He regarded an area above my head, shifting his weight He was still dressed for sleeping, but looked like he’d been up for a while. “I can’t take this anymore.”
“What?” Boden suddenly appeared at my feet. He had been left for me to care for, making me feel important and trusted.
“I want you. I want to be with you. Fuck Sadie and this wedding and everything that happened in the past. Just be with me.”
The wind kicked up then. To punctuate his sentence, the stench of full garbage cans lining the street for trash day filled my nostrils. I shook my head. He wasn’t talking to me. Those words never reached my ears and none of it was happening.
“Stop it.”
Why? It’s the truth. It’s how I feel and I think you’ve known that for a long time.
“You love Sadie.” Did he?
I don’t, he signed.
“You do,” I told him as I tried to push him out of the doorway. Or just away from me. Boden let out a small but distinctly protective grumble.
Let me come in so we can talk.
I’m not letting you into his house to bad-mouth him. I shivered then, too cold to be standing with the door open. Aaron noticed and tried to use it to his advantage.
What if Sadie sees? Just let me in.
He had a point, but not a good enough one.
Or you could just leave.
You’re acting like I’m not here telling you I want to be with you. Ollie, listen to me, I’m breaking it off with Sadie. No wedding. I want us to move in together and be a couple again and get married and have babies…
He let his fingers go still so I could let it all sink in.
“Aaron…” Past me, old me, was cherishing those words and picking out an engagement ring and wedding dress in her mind. He laid out a happily ever after and that’s all I could ever want. I leaned into him. “I don’t know what to say.”
Then don’t say anything.
He pressed forward. Our faces met. We kissed.
It was we in every sense of the word. I kissed him back and I wanted to.
Boden let out a real growl and I came to my senses. I shoved away from Aaron. It broke the kiss, but he then pulled me back into a hug.
We were still standing on the front porch, I might add.
“Let me go.” I shoved at his chest. “Stop it.”
“You can’t tell me you don’t feel the same.” He had to speak aloud because his hands were still trying to touch me.
“I don’t!”
I said the words so loudly they hurt my own ears, but it worked; he let me go. We were two separate entities again.
Aaron signed, I thought you would’ve learned after the first time you broke my heart. Things turned out really well for you when we broke up, didn’t they? Don’t make the same mistake. You won’t survive it this time.
“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. We broke up because we weren’t in love with each other anymore, and you had no problem moving on to Sadie. Brooks and I are together now. I want to be with him, Aaron. I love him.”
It wasn’t lost on me that I was admitting this for the first time to Aaron instead of Brooks, but it needed to be said. I wanted to let Aaron down gently, as crazy as that seems—for all the times he was there for me, for the time when I did love him, but mostly for reasons that only one tortured soul to another would understand.
That’s not what happened, though. Everything about Aaron changed the moment I told him I was in love. His eyes darkened and his whole body clenched.
Bullshit. He raked his fingers through his dark hair. Love is bullshit. You love his house. You love his car and the fact that you could someday be Doctor and Mrs, but I’ve got news for you, sweetheart. This little fairytale is never going to happen. Ever! He’s first class all the way and you’re the little broken whore he fucked the shit out of a few times back when.
You’re a story he’ll tell at his bachelor party before he marries a former Miss Pennsylvania or someone else impressive. I can see your scar from here, O, and even if the physical marks fade they’ll always, always, be there emotionally. You’re damaged goods at best, and a man like him wants so much more than that.
You’re wrong, I told him without any conviction behind my signs, but using my voice would’ve been worse.
His words sliced me to pieces, because he had the knowledge and power to. Even though I never expressed my biggest fears in my relationship to Aaron, he knew them all as if he had a map to my mind. We always had an unspoken bond, literally and figuratively, and Aaron had just reminded me of that.
Am I? Think about it for just a second and you’ll realize I’m right. You already know I’m right, Aaron signed.
What makes you so willing to be with me then, if I’m so unlovable?
Because, O, I already know all the bad. I knew you before the nightmares started. I knew the girl before the bad times. I was there before your dad died. I know how you used to be and all I want is to bring you back to that. No one else will ever be able to do that for you.
I wanted every single syllable he uttered to be false, but what I wanted even more was for him to be able to fix me. If that were true, if Aaron’s complete knowledge of my past and present could help me be happy again, I’d do whatever he asked.
It was getting harder every day to remember that girl, the girl I was before, and I knew that meant she was slipping away. If Brooks did break up with me, like I and everyone else knew he would, I’d lose her forever. That was a risk I just couldn’t take.
Aaron had just vocalized all my scariest thoughts and made them so real they were practically physical.
“O, I want you to be happy.” He moved in closer, and Boden showed he really hated it by barking loudly. “I just want you to be happy.”
And he kissed me. He kissed me in front of Brooks’s house, in front of Boden, in front of the lady power walking down the street, and all while I was wearing very little clothing. But most damningly, he kissed me while I was in love with someone else.
And I just let him. Maybe I even kissed him back. Maybe I wanted to kiss him.
It felt wrong, but at least it felt honest, as messed up as that sounds. When Aaron kissed me he was kissing all of me.
“Come on, let’s go tell Sadie.” He reached for my hand.
“No, I have to go.”
I headed back into the house with Aaron following. He shut the door behind us.
Running straight to Brooks’s room, I found a pair of my jeans and pulled them on. Dammit. Brooks had given me my own bedroom at his place and I had his room a mess. My shit was everywhere to the point it didn’t even look like his room any more. Did I have to ruin everything?
Aaron stepped inside Brooks’s closet to check it out. He didn’t touch anything, though, just took a mental inventory and probably marveled at what a real adult closet looked like. If he did touch anything I probably would’ve punched him.
I found my purse back downstairs by the door with my keys inside. Aaron stayed by me like a shadow, not saying a word until I got in my car. It was parked in the driveway like it belonged there.
“Where are you going?”
“Home.”
He tried to get in the passenger side. “Unlock it. I wanna come too.”
I shook my head. “No, I need to be alone.”
He didn’t move, so I couldn’t pull away. I put down the window.
“I’m worried what you’ll do when you get home.”
“I won’t do anything.”
“Will you think about things? Us?”
“Yes.”
“Do you promise? I can’t talk to Sadie until you do.”
“If you don’t love her, shouldn’t you not marry her anyway?” I immediately wished I hadn’t said it. I knew I didn’t love him, but I was considering dating him. I also knew that if this wedding didn’t go through, Sadie might not make it herself.
“You don’t need to worry about that. I think we both know the conclusion you’ll come to after you take some time to think about it.”
***
Brooks had been out of town for one night and the world fell apart. I couldn’t stay in his house, doing what I’d done and feeling how I felt, so I woke up before the sun that next morning to drive over from my apartment and let Boden out. He gave me the saddest eyes I’d ever seen as I silently sent him out back.
I spent the course of that day dodging Brooks’s texts and calls. It was damn near impossible, made harder by the fact that I was texting Aaron every fifteen seconds. I’d forgotten how funny he was, sweet even. Our conversation was almost sparkling enough to make me not feel like the scum of the earth when Brooks said he could tell something was wrong and he was coming home early.
I couldn’t let that happen until I had at least a little more time to think. I pulled my shit together and flooded his phone with pics of Boden and me on a walk, eating dinner, and even a staged pic of us in bed. I took it right before I left for the night, included a glimpse of my bare chest, and waited till much later to send it.
Brooks: I’ve never been so jealous of my dog in my life.
I didn’t text back.
Brooks: You should be here with me. I hear the rooms are soundproof.
Tapping out an entirely lame
LOL.
I wanted to throw my phone against the wall. How could having him say those things to me make me feel so horrible?
Brooks: I miss you. So much already.
Along with the response was a picture of him, shirtless and surrounded by white sheets, with one hand bent behind his head. Even in his low light selfie, Brooks looked so sexy I could practically feel his taut tummy under my fingers.
Ollie: Me too.
After I sent the even lamer text back, I turned my phone on silent and shoved it under a pile of clothes on the other side of the room.
I was doing it to him again, I was letting him down, and I couldn’t even stop myself.
***
On night number three of Brooks being gone, the night before he was coming home, I found myself sitting in my old apartment on my old couch with my old boyfriend. All the texting had culminated with us making plans to see each other.
Without Sadie.
I told Aaron I was tired and wanted to stay in. He replied with his dad’s cabbage kimchi and a horror movie I’d never seen.
As I sat on my bed, with one of my oldest mixes playing in the background, and freshened my makeup, I was transported back in time two years. With the anticipation of Aaron’s arrival swirling around the room like a frantic fly, I could practically smell his cologne.
When the wonky buzz from my doorbell sounded, the guilt I was bound to feel hit me. It’s one thing to fantasize about getting a do-over with an ex, but it’s another to have him actually standing outside your apartment.
“Hey,” I said as I swung the door open with a little too much force.
“Hi.” He was holding a bag of food in one hand and the movie in the other.
After a mini tour of my mini apartment, which he had never been at before, it was time to eat.
“I really like your place,” Aaron said as he passed me a plate.
We were sitting in front of the TV during dinner, something Brooks and I never did, and I must admit I missed eating a meal in the company of fictional characters. With an afghan that belonged to my Granny Oxmend wrapped around us, Aaron and I sat snugly on the loveseat. I’d like to say we were sitting that way because the size of the loveseat forced us to, but we probably would’ve no matter what.
“Yeah,” I said, looking around. “I like it too.”
There was an elephant in the room that I really didn’t want to talk about, but the question was nagging me so much I had to. “Where does Sadie think you are?”
Aaron’s bitter face let me know he didn’t want to talk about her either. “I was going to tell her I was interpreting, but she called earlier and said she was going to stay at Mariah’s tonight.”
That made me wonder how many times he’d used “interpreting” as a lie. It made me wonder if Sadie was telling the truth too. Mariah lived a little far to just stay for the night.
“Did you ever think you’d be here? In your own place away from your mom?”
I shook my head. “No. Honestly. After I got out of the hospital I never thought she’d let me out of her sight again.”
The most surprising thing about that statement was how it wasn’t surprising at all. It was the truth, and it didn’t bother me to say it. If Brooks and I had that conversation, I’d dance around the topic of moving out of my mom’s place. But we would never talk about it, because I’d left out my month-long hospital stay when I told him my story.
The reminder that there were still things Brooks didn’t know about me left me feeling even closer to Aaron.
He. Knew. Everything. And there he was. All cleaned up, just to see me.
“She’s a good woman. She’s just a little…intense sometimes.”
“More like all the time.”
“Yeah.” He laughed, then took a long pause. The smirk on his face let me know he was recalling something. Remember when we wanted to go to the ice skating rink downtown but she said no? he signed, and my sense of déjà vu only grew.
There was a time when I would only communicate with him through ASL. That’s when I was still learning and not fluent yet. Being with Aaron was like being with my own personal tutor who I could make out with.
I laughed. Yes.
You were so mad at her you slept over that night.
Aaron had planned a romantic date for us to go skating at the outdoor rink. Val was in one of her random punishment moods and said I couldn’t go. She claimed it was because of the snowy weather and that I spent too many of my days with her with Aaron instead, but really I think she was just being anti-love because she and Karl were probably fighting at the time.
Your parents had to have heard me sneaking in. But they’re cool enough to let it slide. I thought I was so smooth coming in through the window, but I would’ve made less noise if you just let me in the front door.
Val must’ve called fifty times trying to get ahold of you that night.
More like eighty. She’s so stubborn. I laughed and rolled my eyes.
Sounds like someone else I know.
I shoved at Aaron and almost knocked over our shared tray table. “Take it back.”
No. He made the finger pinching motion dramatically and in my face.
“I’m nothing like her and I never want to be.” I threw down my fork, losing my appetite at his words.
“But you are. You tend to forget she isn’t all bad.”
The deep breaths I was inhaling did little to calm me. I had also forgotten how much Aaron liked to push my buttons, probably because he knew them so well he could play me like a video game.
“Aaron, just stop.”
“Hear me out.” He grabbed my shaking hand after moving the tray table aside. “You’re intense, Ollie. It’s a good thing…great, actually. You’d suck at art if you weren’t, and you’re crazy talented. Artists have to be intense.”
Thank you. I made the simple sign with my free hand.
You’re welcome, he signed back with his free hand.
Something passed between us then. Not quite a spark, but more like the ember of our-not-quite extinguished love was flamed. If his look in that moment was captured in a piece of art, he would’ve been titled Unfinished Business, and the smug look on his face said he knew it.
It is true, though. Good art has to be intense, right? But until Aaron pointed it out, I never thought of it that way. Maybe I could handle being like her in that sense. Maybe I didn’t have to be exactly like a man who killed himself.
If I remember correctly, we had a good time being rebels that night.
I could feel the blush cover my cheeks at the memory of roaming hands, forgotten shirts, and wildly beating hearts.
We did.
I should’ve tried to go further with you.
I froze. So many thoughts were fighting for space in my mind at once that I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Most notably, though, I felt the butterflies of first love. You only get that kind of love once. The kind where you don’t hold anything back, before you’re jaded, before you’ve ever had your heart broken…before you’re damaged at all.
Yeah. You should have.
***
The next evening, when Brooks texted me to say he’d be home in an hour, I inexplicably went on a cleaning jag. There’s a ninety-five percent chance it was out of guilt, but I’m not sure how the feeling manifested in me being elbow-deep in a bucket of bleach.
“Ollie,” Brooks called.
Instead of being greeted at the door with a much anticipated kiss, he had to search the house to ultimately find me crouched in the corner of an already clean bathroom scrubbing the floor.
“Brooks,” I said, out of breath. “Hey.”
He wrinkled his nose, hopefully at the bleach. “Uh, hi.”
I snapped off the gloves and tossed them into the tub while Brooks leaned down to kiss me. I held up my finger, signaling I needed a minute, then scoured my hands in the sink. My lips needed to be wiped clean more than anything, maybe my thoughts too.
It was awful. He just stood there watching me while I felt like an idiot for kissing Aaron three days ago. What was I doing? Why was I washing his bathroom when it was never used? Why wasn’t I kissing him?
Brooks turned the water off and crushed me into a hug. Apparently he decided he’d waited long enough for his greeting.
“Why are you cleaning the bathroom?”
I answered with my face pressed into his chest. “Because you deserve a clean house.”
My fingers kneaded his back as I sank into him.
“Thanks, but you don’t have to do that.”
“No problem.” I threw my hand up in a weird half sign for no reason at all and led us out of the bathroom and into his bedroom. I was talking to him like I would a stranger and it wasn’t right.
“I missed you.” When he said it, he studied my face.
“I missed you.” I tried to keep eye contact, but I averted my gaze at the last second. The blue of his eyes was so clear I think it could’ve detected any lie of omission.
Brooks sat on the edge of the purposefully unmade bed and pulled me onto his lap. If it wasn’t for my night with Aaron, Brooks and I would’ve been having sex by now. It didn’t matter that Aaron and I didn’t even kiss again, I was guilty.
“What’s wrong?” he asked while he pushed my hair out of my eyes.
“Nothing.”
Then I switched my position in his lap so I could kiss him. It wasn’t playing fair, and I think we both knew it. He kissed me back for a good long while before he let his curiosity get the better of him.
“Did something happen with Sadie or Aaron while I was gone?”
He was almost breathless, but he didn’t let that stop him. I swung my leg around his waist so I was straddling him. I tried to convince myself that that simple question meant he knew me well. But I hadn’t told him everything. Brooks only knew me as well as I let him.
“Not really.” I chose those words because they were the truth. Saying “No” would’ve been a lie, but saying “Not really” kept me semi-honest because it could be interpreted so many ways. Before he could ask another question, I whipped my shirt—which was actually his shirt—off over my head. I wasn’t wearing a bra.
He kissed me a little more forcefully.
“You didn’t talk to me much. I was expecting to hear from you more. I really missed you, Ollie.”
There was the word. Expectations. Damn, they ruin everything.
“You know I’m not glued to my phone.”
“Yeah, I know. But I thought for me you would be.”
He didn’t even let me kiss him before he responded. Unbelievable. Why didn’t he have a one track mind? I started unbuttoning his collared shirt.
Maybe I was on to something here. Playing hard to get has been a thing since the beginning of time, but who knew it actually worked? I ignored Brooks, held things back from him, disappeared for days at a time, and it only seemed to make him want me more.
I was treating him like shit when he deserved better. His mom did say he never picked the right girls. And I was definitely not the right girl. Was it possible Brooks was a masochist too?
“I’m sorry.” I wanted to rip off my lashes and cry as the list of nice things he’d done for me played in my mind. “I’m really sorry. I missed you. A lot. So much. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Ollie.” He held my bare chest to his and stroked my hair, probably knowing I was apologizing for more than a few missed texts and calls. “I’m not mad. Let’s just do better next time.”
I didn’t deserve for anyone to be nice to me, but especially him. My strange outburst of emotion kept him from pressing the issue any further and probably scared him too.
***
“Stay here tonight,” Brooks pleaded with me as I shoved some clothes into my already overstuffed duffel. I had only been staying away for a few days, but so much of my stuff was at his place I had to carry things back and forth.
“I can’t. I have a ton of laundry to do and I have my final dress fitting tomorrow morning.” Both things were true, but neither was a good reason not to stay.
“You can do your laundry here for free.” He grabbed at my hips, but I avoided him. “Well, maybe not totally free.” He leaned forward from his seated position on the bed to slap my ass. “And we’ll go together to get your dress. I miss your place.”
“Brooks, I can’t.” I wanted to—holy shit I wanted to—and it was so hard to resist him, but Aaron was waiting for me.
He pulled my bag off my shoulder and tossed it to the floor. “Ollie.” He kissed me. “Stay.”
I hesitated, which he took to mean acceptance and pulled me on top of him. I knew it’d be almost impossible to leave after that.
It would’ve been one hundred percent impossible to climb off of him if it weren’t for the memories of my night with Aaron playing in my mind. We had talked and laughed and reminisced until I fell asleep mid-sentence. Aaron left the next morning, but we wanted to see each other again sooner. Unfortunately, we both had other people to answer to.
I hadn’t felt that carefree since before my dad and the cut. I felt light and I never wanted to lose that. I wanted to be with Brooks—hell my body was screaming at me to stay—but my heart yearned for that feeling only Aaron could provide.
“I have to go.” I kissed his forehead.
“Okay.” Brooks sat up and punched at the mattress when he thought I wasn’t looking.
He was definitely angry but trying very hard not to show it. I acted like I didn’t notice when he made no move to walk me to the door, but he must’ve followed after me, because he was suddenly at the bottom of the steps once I made it to the door.
“Can we go out tomorrow? Do I get to have you the whole night?”
The way he said it made me think he knew he was sharing me.
I forced a laughed. “Yes, after the dress fitting I’m all yours.”
“Okay.”
“What did you have in mind?”
“I’m not telling you,” he said, sounding like a brat. “This way you’ll have to come over to find out.”
I agreed to it. Of course I agreed to it. I was so sick of myself. Being with Brooks was everything to me, but deep down, I knew we’d never last. I loved him. I loved him with everything within the universe inside me, and that was overwhelming. But it wasn’t enough. He thought he loved me now, and maybe he did, but it was temporary. Everyone eventually leaves.