After that day at the mall, I found myself hanging out with Aaron and Sadie more often. I willingly went along with Sadie’s inane desire for me to third-wheel it with her and Aaron. I told myself I was going out to try and battle some of my social anxieties. I could call Val and tell her all about it. It’d make her happy that I was actively pursuing a social life even if it was bullshit.
I was even trying to convince myself being social would heal me. If only it was really that simple.
Bottom line, I was spending time with Sadie and Aaron because I wanted to see Aaron. I knew it, and I think he knew it too. He never outright said anything, but it was an electricity I could feel whenever Sadie would leave us alone. It was a tension that wrapped around all of us like an extension cord.
Despite what Aaron made me feel, my darkness was still there. It was always with me, but I was starting to act like a living, breathing person again. Of course, I wished it wouldn’t have to take stealing glances at a guy I thought I was over and who also just happened to be engaged to my best friend, but I wasn’t in a position to question my happiness.
Sadie would tell a lame joke and I’d actually laugh, or Aaron would mock me every time I’d sign to him and I enjoyed it.
“How’s your boyfriend?” Sadie asked as Aaron was on his fourth trip to the dinner buffet at Eat’n Park.
“Who’re you talking about now?” I kept my eyes focused on the blue vinyl of the booth.
“The good doctor, of course.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “Have you guys been dating?” She sipped her strawberry milkshake like it was a preview to the sweet treat I was about to give her.
“Dating? No.”
“Why not? Is there someone else?” Her eyes briefly flickered in Aaron’s general direction. Or at least I thought they did. I could’ve been seeing things brought on by the paranoia of crushing on her fiancé.
“Nope,” I said a little too quickly. “I wish there was, but there isn’t.”
“I think you should go for it with William. He’s the definition of a dreamboat.”
“Dreamboat? How old are you?”
Sadie scowled then said, “Younger than your boyfriend,” in a sing-songy voice.
I rolled my eyes. “Anyway, exactly, he’s a dream, as in never going to happen in real life.” I flicked my rolled-up straw paper to the floor, then felt guilty about it.
“Clearly he likes you. Why else would he spend the night with you?”
“We didn’t—”
Sadie put up her hand to stop me. “All I mean is you stayed the whole night at his house. That means something. I’ve lived across the street from him for two years and no car has ever been there overnight. Not even once.”
Hope bubbled out of my chest and down to my stomach. I felt a physical rush at what her words could possibly imply. I’d been thinking about Brooks often since that night, but the memory was all I would ever have.
Maybe I’d see him again, purely because of the location of his house, but I couldn’t imagine spending another night like that with Brooks. I’d used up all my nerve going over there last time and everything that ever happened in my life proved I wasn’t that lucky to experience it again.
What she said also presented another problem. If Brooks moved into that house two years ago, that was before she was dating Aaron. They could’ve gone out a few times. They might have even kissed. Maybe more. And there was nothing I could even do about it.
“Sadie, it wasn’t like that. It won’t happen again. Besides, I’m sure you’ve missed a few nights of keeping tabs on him.” I mainly said it so I’d believe it.
“It could happen if you try.” She seemed annoyed as she jabbed her straw in her pink shake.
“Look, O, I jacked an extra cornbread muffin for you.” Aaron tossed it to me and I let it skid across the table without making a move for it.
The expression on Sadie’s face told me I’d better not.
“What the fuck, Ollie?” Aaron complained.
“Sorry.” I picked it up and put it on my napkin but didn’t touch it again.
***
Sadie insisted I come over after dinner so she could show me her latest garter or something. She hardly ever showed me anything, so I don’t know why it was so important to show me the new one.
The spare bedroom at her mom’s had been converted into wedding central over the last few months and lodged dozens of magazines, sample centerpieces, china choices, fabric swatches, and of course The Dress. I wasn’t positive, but I think Sadie had another layer of crinoline added to the striking white ball gown every time I saw it out of the corner of my eye on the way to the bathroom.
“Is that my Oboe I hear?” Sadie’s mom poked her head in the wedding room.
“Hey, Lydia.” I never had to fake enthusiasm for her and constantly wished she was my biological mom.
“You’ve been a stranger,” she accused. Lydia is so petite and dark-haired I often wondered how she produced a leggy blonde. I never met Sadie’s father, and neither did she, but I imagined Sadie took after him.
“I’ve been in and out,” I informed her. “It’s you who has been missing.”
“Look around! I have to work as much overtime as I can to afford this wedding extravaganza.” She picked up a pile of faux petals and threw them in the air as if she was a flower girl, making me laugh. Sadie made a sour face and scrambled to collect all the pale pink litter. “So I heard the scoop about you and the giant hottie across the street.”
“Sadie.” I shot her a look. Nothing even happened between us and she was spreading the word like I was pregnant with his love child.
“I’m excited, and you know I can’t contain myself when I get excited.”
Lydia popped her hip and rested it against the magazine-covered desk. “I can’t tell you how happy I am you’ve got a new love interest, Ollie. You really deserve an incredible man and he certainly seems to be one.”
“Really, I’m hardly his love interest.” I had to keep telling myself that. Just talking about it got my heart racing and my brain planning a future.
“God, Mom. Stop hounding her.”
We both ignored Sadie.
Once I was shown the lacy scrap of material, Sadie was suddenly dying for an after-dinner walk. I could see the setup a mile away, but I went along with it because I wanted it to happen. I had to borrow Sadie’s new white moto jacket because I hadn’t worn one at all. It barely fit me and I had to take off my sweater to get it to zip, leaving me only in a black tank. That probably didn’t help keep me much warmer at all, but it looked fantastic.
As soon as we stepped outside, I noted Brooks’s lights were on. Hope, that bastard, made his presence known.
We made two laps around the moderately cold and severely boring block without seeing anyone, but I had squeezed into a too-tight jacket that wasn’t even my color, so I wasn’t giving up. I wasn’t going to let a little thing like frostbitten toes and fingers stop me.
We powered on.
“Thanks for taking a walk with me.” I playfully bumped into Sadie’s shoulder.
“Sure, sure. I was the one to ask you though, remember?”
“I feel like a stalker,” I said, finally admitting we were only walking to see Brooks.
“Um, no. This is what you have to do to trap a man.” Sadie pulled her pink cowl neck sweater up around her ears, making me jealous of her source of warmth.
“Trap.” I laughed until I realized I was the only one. “Wait, you mean it?”
“Well, yeah. I mean, no, no, it’s just you have to make things go your way sometimes or you might miss out on something great.”
Sadie knew a lot about making things go her way. If her relationship with Aaron wasn’t proof enough, when we were eighteen and Lydia wouldn’t buy Sadie her third Louis Vuitton bag, Sadie started working as a shot girl. She earned the money in less than three weeks.
“I don’t think I’m aggressive enough,” I admitted.
“You aren’t,” she replied without hesitation.
“I just feel so defeated sometimes. Like I don’t even have to try and I lose.”
“Ollie, it’ll work out.” She didn’t say it patronizingly, and I appreciated it. “You’re amazing, and talented, and beautiful, and even funny sometimes.”
Not that I didn’t enjoy hearing her reassuring words and praise, but sometimes all I wanted was for the people in my life to let me be negative without trying to fix it. Maybe things would work out, maybe they wouldn’t, but I wanted to express my worry for the latter. Before I could get too lost down that track, there was Brooks.
I swear I sensed him before I even saw him.
Brooks and Boden had just turned the corner and were walking toward us. I smiled so big my cheeks strained. I couldn’t help it and I didn’t want to.
“I think that’s him,” Sadie said quietly. He was too far to hear, and if it weren’t for his height and the dog with him, she probably wouldn’t have known it was him…but I did.
All calm and collected, he leisurely made his way down the sidewalk. I would’ve thought it was impossible for someone with such long legs to move that slowly if I wasn’t watching it with my own eyes. It’s like he was doing it on purpose, making me wait for him.
Standing beside me, Sadie seemed to be having an internal mini-crisis. “Oh my goodness,” she sighed, “I can’t believe stalking him actually worked.” Then she added a “damn” under her breath just before he reached us, in appreciation for how adorably disheveled his hair looked and how his eyes sparkled even in the low light. Well, I could only assume, but who wouldn’t?
“I’m going to run away,” she whispered.
“Don’t you dare,” I warned her as I clutched her elbow. She got me into this and she couldn’t just bail now.
“Hi,” we both said creepily and in unison once Brooks was standing directly in front of us.
“Good evening, Sadie, Ollie.” We both got a nod, but I thought mine was more meaningful.
I bent down to pet Boden while Sadie reached for Brooks’s hand in an awkward why-are we-shaking-hands motion. It was a nice change to see her looking flustered and socially inept. I was nervous too, but the sight of Brooks’s fancy nerd shoes comforted me.
I could feel him watching me as Sadie tried to discuss the weather and it felt thrilling in a silly way. It was kind of necessary to see them interact so I knew I wasn’t imagining him, but at the same time I wanted him all to myself and far, far, far away from Sadie.
The dog served as a very welcome distraction while I tried to keep my heart in my chest. I heard Sadie say something about how freezing it was and how she was regretting a winter wedding, and try as he might, Brooks just didn’t know how to respond. He gave her a couple Yeahs and Oh reallys, but even they sounded pained.
Their conversation was struggling but all I could do was scratch Boden’s ears.
“Aren’t you cold, Ollie?” Brooks eventually asked.
“Not at all,” I told him as I straightened.
“Wel-l-l-l-l-l.” Sadie dragged out the word. “I’d better get home. Ollie, call me later.” She abruptly pulled me up into a hug and whispered “I mean it,” and then added, “You owe me,” before she hauled ass back to her side of the street.
All I could do was watch her retreating figure while I felt Brooks’s eyes on me.
“Since you aren’t at all cold, come walk with us.” He tilted his head and started walking immediately to further prove it was a command, not a request. After a few silent steps with me evening out my breathing, he said, “If I was clever I would’ve said something like ‘fancy meeting you here.’”
“Pretty sure that would’ve been the opposite of clever. It would’ve been cliché.” I smiled, hoping he would too.
Instead he laughed and it was even better. “Then I’m glad I didn’t say it.”
It was easy to be calm after that exchange. If someone like Brooks could replay social interactions in his mind and regret them, we really weren’t that different. Any of the ice that lingered melted away and I felt like maybe I could be myself. We fell into a comfortable stride. I had to take two steps for every one he took, but I was keeping up.
“How was your day?” he asked.
“It was a day.”
“That’s a very non-committal answer.”
“Sorry. I do that and it annoys everyone. I’m sorry.”
He shook his head. “Don’t apologize.”
“How was your day?”
“It was fine. Busy. I’ve been wondering when I’d see you again. You have a habit of appearing and vanishing. It’s all very intriguing.”
“I guess I do.” I beamed at the idea and liked how it made me seem mysterious without even trying.
“Well, Boden missed you. He kept asking me when we were having you over again.”
My asshole tendencies told me to say You didn’t have me over, I forced my way in, but I managed to stop myself. “Uh-huh, and what did you tell him?”
“I told him that you’d be back, and look at that, I was right.” He nudged my arm, causing the spicy sent of his cologne to make its presence known, and smiled so brightly at me I swear a part of the sidewalk lit up. I’d never met someone who seemed so put together, but then again I wasn’t a good judge. Everyone seemed better off to me—more confident, more intelligent, more attractive. Happier.
“I can’t seem to stay away,” I said, then added, “you know, with my friend living across the street.” Why did I have to add that last part? Why couldn’t I have left it flirty and cute?
“Is that the only reason you see me? Because, from what I understand, you don’t seem to like your friends very much.”
“Yeah, I’m starting to feel like I don’t like anyone.” I inwardly cringed at my words. Normally, I tried to cover my darker tendencies, but being around Brooks still made my filter vanish and my real thoughts come out.
But to my complete and total surprise, he said, “I know the feeling.”
Thinking he was my soulmate, I asked, “Having trouble with friends, family, or coworkers?”
“Yes.”
That comment made me feel about ten percent more attracted to him.
We reached the empty lot at the end of the block and Brooks let Boden off his retractable leash. He produced a tennis ball from his jacket pocket and threw it too far for me to see where it landed in the dark lot. The sky was clear, meaning the stars were bright and plentiful, and the street light at the house next door was on, but Boden was only a blur. That had less to do with lighting and more to do with his speed, though.
Eventually I worked up the courage to speak again. “Tell me something about you.”
When the request came out it felt like victory. Not only did I manage to contribute to the conversation, but his answer would be telling. If he delved into the past and shared something personal, I’d know he was genuine.
Brooks didn’t answer for so long I worried he didn’t hear me. Did I say it out loud or in my head? He seemed singularly focused on the dog, and they quickly got into a rhythm of catch and release. I envied their effortless companionship and began to question why I was even there. I knew from past experiences that nightly walks were their thing.
“I took a dance class in college,” Brooks said.
“Wow, you dug deep there,” I shot back.
“It gets better, you didn’t let me finish,” he said while looking down to me. How could eyes be so clear?
Standing next to him, with those eyes on me, I felt so small. Not in an inconsequential way, but in a precious way.
“Oh, go on.” He handed me the slimy tennis ball and I took a turn throwing it. Boden wasn’t impressed.
“I didn’t take it until the spring semester my senior year, but I enjoyed it so much I signed up for an adult class that summer.”
“That’s adorable.” I suspected he thought he was telling me something embarrassing. It only made me find him more endearing.
“It gets worse. There was a recital.”
“Sounds fun,” I said, meaning it, and wondering if he wore one of those tight leotards.
Boden very purposefully gave the ball to Brooks. He threw it hard and fast into the night.
“Fun? Am I going to have to start calling you on your BS now?”
“No.” I shook my head. “You’re the one who’s full of it, I am the deep one. And I meant it. An adult dance recital sounds fun.”
“It was, and I did phenomenal, but everyone else felt bad for me when they realized I had no one in the audience watching. I didn’t go back after that.”
I cursed my past self for not meeting him and going to his recital. How dare no one in his life worship his every move?
“Why didn’t you invite anyone?”
“Because I’m not going to ask one of my friends or my parents to see me dance, and I can’t imagine a worse thing to admit to a woman I’m trying to date.”
My face fell as if it was being deflated and I hoped it was too dark for him to see my expression. I had that stomach-sinking, instant-tear-inducing, rug-pulled-out feeling, so I forced a smile and a little nervous laugh while I tried to think up an excuse to turn and leave.
He had just admitted it to me.
He wasn’t interested in dating me.
He was looking for a woman, he just said it, and I was still trying to figure out the whole adult thing.
I think about things too much and too hard.
We stood in silence as he continued to play catch with the dog. All the excitement and hope I had was slipping away as things began to feel awkward and maybe even forced. Why did I ever think we could happen?
“Actually, I am really cold.” For emphasis, I made my teeth chatter a bit and rubbed my tightly constricted arms.
“Here.” He handed me Boden’s leash and began shedding his jacket. “Take my coat.”
He was only wearing a thin tan sweater under the dark corduroy coat, so he would freeze himself in a matter of minutes. “No, then you’ll be cold.”
“That’s okay. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”
“No, really, I should go.”
“Ollie, take my coat. I’m trying to be romantic and you’re making it very difficult.”
My head went all cloudy as I eagerly traded the leash for his coat and slid into it. It fit like a floor-length gown, but it was so warm and smelled so heavenly of Brooks. The gesture was only making me fall for him even more, and that was something I didn’t need to do. I pulled the collar up around my mouth and nose and let my hands disappear in the sleeves.
My muffled, “Thank you,” drifted out from behind the collar. My lips kissed the material that was so recently pressed against his neck.
“That’s better.” The doctor smiled and put his arm around me. I froze for a second, not certain if it was really happening, but then he pulled me closer so our bodies were flush together. My head, all on its own, rested against his chest and he said, “That’s much better.”