Twenty-Eight
As I watched her retreating figure vanish, Brooks took my frozen hand in his large grasp and led me away from the restaurant. In the past, before I’d made my mammoth mistake, I would’ve known we were on the same page and didn’t even need words to convey our mutual feelings, but now I wasn’t so sure.
Of course I wasn’t going back inside. I didn’t need to. I could practically predict their future. Besides our tryst, they’d be off to an okay start. They’d get along fine and then the baby would come and stress them both out. He’d drink a lot on his nights out, she’d drink a lot, alone, on her nights in. Eventually Aaron would cheat again and honestly, Sadie probably would too.
This would all happen in a span of just a few years, leaving Sadie divorced before thirty. And all because Sadie had to be married. My wish for them was that they’d only have the one child during the course of their marriage. No need to drag anyone else into this disaster.
Brooks and I passed my car, but neither of us said a word about it. He instead walked us further down the block to lead me around to the passenger side of his Lincoln, opened the door, and then shut me in.
Brooks paused for a second, me on the inside, him on the outside, with his back to me. He fisted his hands in his hair and let out a half sigh, half growl that I could hear through the closed door.
He was hurting, a lot, and it was all my fault. This whole time I was convinced he’d break my heart so I broke his. Finally, I found a trait we shared. We both allowed the people we loved to destroy us.
My brain was screaming at me to fix it, I just didn’t know how. I pulled the handle on the door and opened it ever so slightly. Brooks turned around at the sound and held up one finger, signaling he needed a minute.
And, because I was willing to do anything he asked, I shut the door again and let him go about his business.
It only took one step for him to cover the distance between the curb and the apartment building across from him. He placed his palms on the weathered yellow brick and appeared to be pressing with all his might. It was hard to tell because of the dress shirt he was wearing, but I could almost see his muscles bulging as if he was trying to push the five-story building over.
I sat there, completely twisted in my seat, my hands pressed against the freezing window to watch him with silent tears in my eyes. Brooks turned then and I was hoping he would get in the car, I was hoping I’d know the right things to say, but mostly I was hoping he’d forgive me. Instead, he spun back around and in a lightning-quick movement, pulled back his fist and punched out a window to his left.
The glass didn’t completely shatter, but it cracked enough to damage his knuckles and make a decent-sized hole. When he turned around, my suspicion was confirmed and dark red speckles dotted his beautiful long-fingered hands. He made no move to acknowledge the injury as he headed toward the car again. Then, just as he was reaching the handle, Brooks stopped and headed toward the building again.
I prayed he wouldn’t further damage himself or the poor renter’s home. In a gesture only Brooks would think to make, he produced his wallet from his pocket, took out a few bills, rolled them together, and shoved them through the cracked glass.
That got a smile out of me despite the situation.
This time, Brooks actually made it to the car, and I returned to a normal position. He sat down, closed the door, and started the engine without a word. I was too nervous to break the silence. Maybe if we never spoke of it, we could pretend everything never happened.
Brooks turned on the heat to a dull roar, giving me a great view of his hand.
“You’re bleeding all over the place,” I told him as if he didn’t know.
“Yeah,” he said, looking at his injury for the first time since it happened. “I did something stupid and now I regret it.”
“I know the feeling,” I told him.
We locked gazes, and Brooks looked at me with a burning in his eyes I recognized all too well. He parted his lips, which I was starting to think were my favorite feature of his, as if he was going to say something absolutely profound.
But instead he said, “There’s a first aid kit in the glove box.”
My fingers fumbled as I tried to retrieve the kit from the small space. When I pulled the gauze out, I was shaking as if I was the one bleeding all over my expensive car. Even though Brooks was the doctor, he sat in the driver’s seat and watched me wrap his hand, very poorly, like the amateur I was.
“There,” I said when I finished. It didn’t look pretty but it got the job done.
I secured the loose flap on the top of his hand, then tried to put the rest of the kit away, but Brooks snatched my hand up, making the box fall to the matted floor.
“Thank you,” he said.
I shook my head. It was my fault and I didn’t deserve a thanks.
“No more,” I said, repeating his words from so many weeks ago.
“Are you asking or telling?”
“Both.” I was tearing up again. “I’ll never do anything that will hurt you again. It was so stupid and I’m so sorry.” My tears couldn’t be held back anymore and I didn’t want them to be. A dozen excuses and explanations sprang to mind, but none of them mattered. I needed Brooks to see how sorry I was. “You have to forgive me. We have to be okay. We have to be together.”
I was crying so hard I wasn’t sure if he understood the words I’d just said, but he did understand the emotion. Brooks pulled me into a hug as I struggled to get closer to him over the gear shift.
“Ollie.” He had to use force to remove my head from his chest, and when he did I left tear stains on his shirt. “Would we even be here right now if we were over?”
“I don’t know,” I said while smoothing out my hair and wiping my eyes. “You’re always so perfect and nice. You could just be making sure I get home okay and don’t do something crazy.”
“I’m not perfect though, you know. And I don’t have the perfect life and I definitely didn’t have a perfect childhood. You’ve met my parents.”
“What do you mean?” Did he know?
“I was a six foot tall seventh grader with zero athletic ability who took Swedish lessons on the weekends—for fun.” He gave me an expectant look. “And I carried an animal anatomy book with me everywhere. No one would talk to me.”
“Okay, so that’s not what I expected, but it doesn’t seem so bad.”
He sighed and I heard the pain the memories brought back. “Things got so bad that by ninth grade, I was clinically depressed.”
“Really?” I placed my palm over his. “I can’t even imagine.” And I could imagine all kinds of things.
“Yes, Ollie. Everyone wants the good-looking, intelligent guy, but no one wants to see that before picture. The night you showed me your cut, when I told you I know a great doctor, I meant my doctor. I still go to her sometimes when I’m not feeling my best.”
“You’re not just saying this to make me feel better?”
“No. Of course not.” He seemed a bit angry at the accusation, understandably. “I’m human, Ollie. I’m not perfect. But you thinking I am is going to keep us apart.”
“Sorry.” I cast my eyes down. You can’t keep someone on a pedestal. It’s too dangerous.
“Don’t be.” He took my hand back, and biting my lip was the only response that came to mind. “But things have been pretty damn amazing since you came along. The only problem between us is poor communication. I’ve been walking around crazy about you for months and we never even talked about exclusively dating.”
I shook my head. “No. I’ve told you more about my past than I’ve ever told anyone. I’ve never talked about my dad with someone who doesn’t already know.”
“Yeah, but you never told me how you felt about me in the present.” He tapped his finger on my legs with those last three words to really drive home his point.
“Because I didn’t want to scare you away.” It was my lean in moment. Either I could continue to pretend my feelings weren’t there and real, or I could tell him the truth. It wasn’t as brave as I thought it was, because he already knew exactly how much I loved him, but I felt like a warrior. “I love you. I’m so in love with you I feel like something bad is bound to happen, ya know? And maybe you aren’t perfect, but you’re so perfect for me it’s enough to make anyone believe that there’s a higher power up there creating soulmates and waiting for us to find each other.”
Brooks didn’t say anything back. He didn’t need to. Instead he swept me up into a mind-melting kiss. We shared so many kisses that meant so much and expressed so many things, but this one had to matter more than all the others combined.
Brooks unstuck our lips and threw the car into drive in one swift motion. We were hurtling home at a pace reminiscent of the night of the bachelorette party, the night we first had sex, and I hoped this ride had the same ending.
We somehow floated the whole way from the Lincoln to the king-sized bed. I didn’t notice where Boden was or if Brooks had moved any of the things I’d forgotten, but with all the kissing and the way he was touching me I wouldn’t have noticed if we were actually in a different house.
I was wrong about one thing. This wasn’t the same as the first time, though it was filled with urgency. And not because we’d never gone that long without being together since we started, but because I couldn’t live a second longer with Aaron being the last person I had sex with.
It might have been irrational, but I worried things wouldn’t be the same because Brooks was no longer the only man I’d ever been with. But now that I had an experience to compare to being with him, I could say there wasn’t one. Love does make the difference.
Brooks held me and was so gentle. It almost was like the first time, but it was much, much, much better because I was finally being fully honest with him. Despite all the many mind-blowing times Brooks and I had been together, nothing compared to the love we made then.
***
Brooks kissed my ear, making me jump and consequently bang my forehead off the window it had been pressed against.
Despite being up late and getting little sleep, I woke with the sun. Sitting on a couch cushion I’d dragged to the floor and watching the house across the street from Brooks’s front window, I was on surveillance detail.
“See anything good yet?” he asked, handing me a mug of tea.
“They’re starting to stir,” I told him, gratefully accepting the drink. Once I gave him a free hand, he pressed a kiss to my hurting forehead and joined me on the floor.
“What’re you going to do?”
I finished sipping before I answered. “I don’t think I’m gonna go.”
“If you still want to go, I understand and I’ll go with you.”
“Does that mean you think I should go?”
He shook his head, making his unruly morning hair bounce. “I think I’m not getting involved in this decision for anything other than supporting you either way.”
In keeping true to dramatic Ollie fashion, I sighed and fell back on my elbows. “You keep watching. I need a break.”
“You already said you didn’t want to go. How about instead of spending your day thinking about Sadie anyway, we do something else?”
“Like what?”
I sat back up on my cushion just in time to see Sadie and Lydia exit the house and begin shoving the dress in the back seat of Sadie’s car. They both had pastel curlers arranged all through their hair and were wearing silky robes; Sadie’s was white, of course.
I wondered if Lydia knew what happened.
Seeing Lydia was almost enough to make me run across the street to join them. The thought of letting her down broke my heart, and I didn’t envy her having to explain my absence to everyone. Maybe my quick exit at the rehearsal dinner could help in whatever lie she came up with.
There was my mom to consider too. Her reaction to my bailing would undoubtedly be epically entertaining to anyone who got to see it, but I feared she’d have a heart attack. The embarrassment of having a daughter who ended up being a no-show was something she’d have a hard time explaining to her friends.
A long overdue talk with my mother was suddenly number one on my to-do list.
“Come here,” Brooks said, pulling me off my pillow and onto him.
So maybe that talk with my mom wasn’t the number one thing I wanted to do. Just wanting to talk to her meant that I was going to be proactive, and hopefully honest. But I needed to do it on my own time. I decided right then and there that not going to the wedding would be my way of taking the first step to living the way I wanted to live. The first step of many.
“I’m not going to the wedding,” I blurted out in the brief second my lips were free from Brooks’s.
“Good.” A huge smile spanned his face.
“I knew you didn’t think I should go.”
I swatted at his hands and sat up with perfect timing to see Sadie staring into the house. That twinge of anger turned into something bigger and stronger, but my mind was already made up. Walking down that aisle might as well be a death sentence and I didn’t need to see it.
“What did you want to do today?” I asked, pulling my eyes from the scene on the street. I needed a distraction and I needed it now.
“It might sound a little…extreme.”
That word coming from his lips excited me in a way I didn’t think possible without involving physical contact.