ALL WEEK, I TRAINED HARD for the fight against Kyle, worked out, and trained some more until I could barely stand. Carter literally had to make me leave the gym because I didn’t want to stop. I needed something to take my mind off of Shelby, along with the constant nagging worry and wondering if she was all right. Jace was diligent on keeping me updated, but it wasn’t the same as hearing it come from Shelby.
He told me he planned a dinner for her in celebration of finishing the article she worked so hard on. I had hoped the waiting period would be over and that I’d get an invite, but it never came. All I wanted was to see her just once before she left to go to North Carolina. She texted me and it felt like the first step to something, at least, but I didn’t know what. I would take any interaction with her, even if it was just a simple text.
Tomorrow was my fight against Kyle and I was ready for him. I wanted Shelby there, but Jace told me they were leaving for North Carolina in the early afternoon. I didn’t want her to know I knew she was leaving because then she’d realize I was keeping in touch with Jace. That was why I told her about the reserved seats. I honestly did have them reserved for her, but unfortunately, they would remain empty.
“How are you holding up in here?” Gabriella asked, poking her head in through the door.
Sitting on the edge of my bed, I peered over my shoulder at her. “Just sitting here thinking.”
Gabriella opened the door all the way and ambled into my room, her sad gaze on Shelby’s journals lying beside me, unopened. “Have you read them yet?”
I glanced down at them and sighed. “Not yet, but I’m about to. I’ve put it off long enough.”
Since it was still the summer and school wasn’t in session yet, Gabriella stayed with me for the week, refusing to leave me alone. I was starting to get a complex with all the women in my life trying to protect me. Shelby must’ve rubbed off on her while she was growing up.
“Shelby texted me tonight,” I informed her.
Gabriella smiled and sat down beside me. “That’s good news, right?”
“I guess,” was all I could say.
When I told Gabriella and my mother about what happened with Shelby, they were both angry at first, but after a while my mother said she could see where Shelby believed she was looking out for me and my family. It was obvious women had a different thought process from men. Men used their brains with logic, common sense, and reasoning. Women, on the other hand, dealt with their problems based on their feelings. No matter what happened in the world it would never change.
Gabriella reached over and picked up a journal, flipping through it with her mouth gaping wide open. “Wow, there are a lot of words in there. Are you going to read them all tonight?” she asked.
Nodding, I held a journal in my hand and ran my fingers over the leather cover. “Yeah, that’s the plan.”
“All right, well then I’ll let you get to it.” She got up and headed for the door. “If you need me I’ll be watching a movie, okay?”
“Okay,” I said before she closed the door.
Looking through the journals, I turned to the first pages so I could find the entry marked the earliest. I wanted to start from the beginning even though I knew they would be the hardest to read through. Tears stained the pages on almost every single entry, but there were a few of them that really stuck out in my mind.
Nov. 3, 2004
It’s been two weeks since I lost my precious Maddy. Two weeks of living in a bubble where nothing else mattered. I honestly didn’t even care if I lived or not because all that I once had was gone and it was never coming back. Today was my first day of living without a drug-induced high in order to get through the day, and it sucked. My mother didn’t know that I saw her give Jace the bottle of Valium so he could slip a few pills into my drinks, but I did. I welcomed the numbness because it was better than living in the pain every day.
I left the guy I loved so he could have a future fulfilling his dreams, only to wind up not having one for myself. None of this would’ve happened if I’d stayed where I belonged and lived my life with Matt the way I was supposed to. Every ounce of regret weighs me down each single day, drowning me to where I can’t breathe. I cry myself to sleep every night only to wake up by the nightmares of my past. When will it get easier?
Nov. 15, 2004
I visited Maddy today. She was buried in the Grove Park Cemetery inside my family’s plot. I wanted to talk to her, to tell her how much I missed her, but my body shook so hard that I couldn’t even speak. All I did was cry and place the small bouquet of lilies on her grave. I also did something I knew would only push the knife in farther. Jace let me drive his car, and since no one recognized me in it I drove past Matt’s house so I could see him just once. With his shirt off, he was outside cutting grass, but stopped to grab the bottle of water he had waiting on the front porch step of his small, two bedroom home. From a distance, I could see he got a new tattoo on his right arm and he’d gotten bigger, more muscular. Before I knew it I was opening the door and stepping out of the car. He looked my way, but if he realized it was me I didn’t know because I didn’t stick around long enough to find out. I drove away and never looked back, leaving my heart with him.
Now that I thought about it, I remembered that day. I thought I saw her, but didn’t believe it would be her. There were so many times I thought I saw her, but then I figured it was my mind playing tricks on me. Now, I didn’t know if that was for certain. Reading through the rest of the entries, there were plenty of ones with Shelby visiting Madelyn at the grave site, but there was a set of two entries that will forever stay ingrained in my mind.
Sep. 18, 2007
Today was a good day as far as accomplishments. The story I wrote for the Berkeley journalism competition won first place in the nationals. I was offered a hefty advance if I’d agree to sign a contract and have it published, but little did anyone know that it wasn’t a work of fiction; it was the story of my life and of the heartache I still felt every single day. There was also another offer for a summer internship at a well-known magazine called Physique, in San Francisco. Things were finally looking up for me. It only took three years to get here.
The same could also be said for Matt. For the past couple of years, and against my better judgment, I’d kept tabs on him and what all he was doing in life. It just so happened that his first fight was tonight at the Sleep Train Arena. Jace came with me, cursing me the entire time because he thought I should move on with my life; except, it wasn’t that easy. I prayed Matt would find his way out in the world and he was doing it. It wasn’t exactly the way I expected him to, but when I watched him in the ring for his first fight I broke down in tears. He was amazing and strong, and when the announcer held up his hand in victory I couldn’t begin to describe the level of pride I felt in that moment. Matt came from a broken home with no money, but he got out and made something of himself. I was so proud of him.
Today we both achieved something amazing and we did it together. I missed him so much and I couldn’t wait to visit Maddy and tell her all about it.
Sep. 19, 2007
I visited Maddy today to tell her the good news about her daddy and how one day he was going to be a famous fighter with everyone knowing his name. I could just imagine the sound of her little giggle as I told her and the way her eyes would sparkle with pride. She would be almost three years now if she was alive. The pain is still there, especially when it gets closer to her birth date, but Jace and Lexi always make sure I’m okay. I wouldn’t have made it through any of the hard times without them.
For the rest of the years after that, Shelby constantly talked to Maddy about me and how much I loved her and how amazing of a father I would’ve been to her. Never once did she talk about herself; it was all about me. There wasn’t a day that went by when she didn’t mention my name or rave about how proud she was of me for all of my accomplishments. Shelby might have made some wrong decisions, but she was the most selfless, caring, loving, and passionate woman I knew.
I loved her, I wanted her, and I didn’t deserve her.
“Are you ready for the fight tonight, son?” Carter asked, rubbing his hands together. “Because by the way you trained this past week I think you could take on Kyle with your hands tied behind your back.”
“I’ve never been more ready in my life,” I stated wholeheartedly. Packing up my gym bag, I headed for the door. “I’ll meet you at the arena later this afternoon. There’s something I have to go do.”
“Don’t be late,” he hollered after me.
This is one fight I’m not going to be late for, I thought.
My conditioning was done and I had four hours before I needed to be at the Sleep Train Arena in Sacramento. After reading Shelby’s journals last night there was something I wanted to do, and I didn’t want to wait to do it. It just so happened that both places were located in Sacramento. Before arriving at the cemetery, I stopped at one of the local florists and bought a dozen pink sunflowers. Shelby always did lilies, but I wanted to give Madelyn something different … something from me.
I didn’t know exactly where her family’s plot was in the Grove Park Cemetery, but I had time, so I walked around the hundreds of headstones until I found the Dawson family plot. When I saw the statue of a baby angel I knew that was where I would find her. Slowly, I walked toward it, grasping the flowers in my hand. The closer I got, the easier I could see the words on her grave stone.
MADELYN AVERY REYNOLDS
OUR LITTLE ANGEL
OCT. 23, 2003– OCT. 23, 2003
Bending down on my knees, I put her flowers in the vase attached to her headstone and traced her name with my finger. “Maddy,” I choked out, swallowing hard. “It’s me … your daddy’s here.”
“I’m so …” I started to say, but stopped when my chin started to tremble uncontrollably.
I wiped away the tears in my eyes, but more came and they wouldn’t stop. Leaning over, I kissed her name on the cold gravestone and let my heart bleed out for her and for Shelby. A part of me was taken away and I never knew; a part of my soul. Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly, hoping I’d be able to calm myself down enough to talk to my daughter. My heart ached as if someone crushed it in their fist, and to make it worse I felt the same pain in my gut. I hurt when Shelby left, but nothing could compare to the emotional pain of knowing you lost a child.
“Maddy,” I murmured, my body shaking, “I’m so sorry I haven’t been by here sooner, but I wanted to come by and tell you that I love you. I would’ve given anything to have been able to hold you just once, or even to see what you looked like. There are so many things I wish I could do with you. I would’ve shown you how to ride a bike, teach you how to swim, and even learn how to punch the little boys if they bothered you. I would’ve taken you fishing even though your mother absolutely hated touching the bait.” I stopped and laughed as a vision of Shelby baiting her own hook with a worm came to mind.
“I bet you wouldn’t have been scared to touch the worms. No, not my little girl. You would’ve been a fighter just like me. It just so happens I have a tough one tonight, little angel. I’m sure you’ll send me some good luck, right?”
Closing my eyes, I leaned over and put my forehead to the soft, green grass below, letting the tears flow freely. I sat there for about an hour, feeling the wind all around me and hearing the tree branches as they swayed back and forth. There was no one in the cemetery except me, but for some reason I didn’t feel alone.
“I promise I’ll come back again and talk to you, Maddy. There are so many stories I could tell you about your mother. When I come back, I’ll tell you one.”
Getting to my feet, I kissed my fingers and placed them on top of her gravestone. “Good-bye, my little angel.”
I’ll be back.
“YOU’RE UP NEXT, SON. ARE you ready for this?” Carter asked.
Jumping in place, I closed my eyes and stretched out the muscles in my neck and arms. “I’m ready,” I growled low. “That fucker’s going down tonight.”
Carter chuckled. “That’s what I like to hear. Remember, stay focused. He’s going to taunt you and say some things to get your hackles up. Don’t … let … him … break your concentration, you hear me?”
Releasing a heavy sigh, I opened my eyes and nodded. “I got this. I’m not going to let anyone down tonight.”
Before I could put my earphones in my ears, Garrett charged through the door, his chest heaving up and down. “I’m sorry I’m late,” he sputtered. “Traffic’s a bitch out there tonight.” With a wide grin on his face, he handed me what he had in his hands. “I thought you might want to see this. I was going to show you the originals last weekend when I stopped by your house, but I was sent these today. They completely changed it.”
Holy shit, I thought, staring wide-eyed at what I had in my hands. “Is this what it’s going to look like?” I asked.
Garrett nodded. “Yeah, that’s the final one. I didn’t know how you would take it considering the circumstances, but I think it looks great.”
It did look great. “Was this Shelby’s idea?” I asked curiously.
“No, she doesn’t know. Bryan said he decided on this just today. Once he read the article he knew he had to put a picture of you and Shelby on the front. He agreed it was her best work yet; very powerful.”
“Can I keep this?” I asked, holding up the cover mock-up.
“Yeah, it’s yours, but put it aside so we can go. You’re on in like two minutes,” he announced, rushing me out the door.
To get pumped up, I put my earphones in and cranked up the volume so that Five Finger Death Punch was all I could hear instead of the cheering crowd for that worthless cocksucker, Kyle. My heart thumped wildly in my chest and my adrenaline was through the roof. I had waited for this moment for too fucking long.
I just wish Shelby was here to see it.
Carter signaled for me to walk, so I took my earphones out and handed them to Garrett. This was it. Once the black curtain pulled back, I took a deep breath and strutted out to the beat of my song. Tonight it was “A Warrior’s Call” by Volbeat.
Keeping my gaze focused on the ring, I intentionally didn’t look toward the left where Shelby’s seats would’ve been. I knew she wouldn’t be there, but to look would only confirm it. The disappointment would only break down my focus, so I kept my head up and kept walking; secretly pretending she was there the whole time, watching me.
Once I got into the ring, the audience cheered and I did my usual circle around the ring, wearing the arrogant smirk the crowd loved. The announcer, with his black suit and slicked back white hair, acknowledged both me and Kyle with a nod before addressing the crowd. “All right, ladies and gentleman, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for. For the Heavyweight title we have two fighters that have gone head to head for years, but only one victor will reign over the gold.”
Pointing over to Kyle, he said, “On one side of the ring we have Kyle ‘The Demon Slayer’ Andrews who’ll be competing to try and win back the title he lost three years ago to the one and only UFC bad boy, Matt ‘The Destroyer’ Reynolds. The tension is high, folks, and judging by the looks on these fighters’ faces we’re going to have an intense grudge match tonight.”
“Fighters, if you will?” he asked, motioning for us to join him in the center of the ring.
Kyle leered at me like the smug bastard he was, but I kept my face blank, emotionless. He thrived on response, but he wasn’t going to get it.
“Okay, gentlemen, you know the drill. When you hear the bell you may begin. Good luck,” the announcer instructed before vacating the ring.
“So where’s Shelby?” Kyle asked with a smirk on his face.
Getting into stance, I grinned and said, “Wouldn’t you like to know.”
“Well, I haven’t seen her here, so I’m assuming you two couldn’t work things out. What a shame. I might have to give her a call.”
Focus, Matt. With my teeth and fists clenched, I anxiously waited on the bell to ring, my muscles ready to strike out. Hurry the fuck up before I explode.
Ding, ding, ding.
I was ready to strike, and my fist flew the second I heard the bell. Kyle didn’t have time to block the right handed uppercut, so when I connected with his face, blood spewed out of his nose and mouth. I smiled a real smile for the first time all week.
“Get ready, cocksucker, because it’s going to get a lot worse than that.”