Chapter 17
Beverley
In my apartment, I couldn’t sleep at night, but I’d decided to stay away from alcohol. As tempting as that prospect was. I had changed from my day clothes into a pair of old pajamas and tucked myself into bed earlier than usual. I wanted to feel the comforting warmth of the covers around me, the familiarity of the pillow under my head. But I still couldn’t sleep.
Whatever effects of the hangover I was suffering from in the morning, were gone the moment Grant found me at the bar. Like I told him, I hadn’t been drinking but I just wanted to enjoy the quiet of the bar and its dark confines. But I’d seen the look of worry in his eyes when he pulled me off my stool. Worry was the last expression I had expected to find on Grant’s face. Self sufficiency, confidence and being smug were the ones I thought he was used to.
Then he’d dragged me to the toilet and we’d had sex, loudly and ferociously; like our lives depended on it.
How long had I fantasized about sex with Grant? Since college. Since the first day I saw him in class. He was the hottest guy on campus and everyone had a crush on him. He had the unique allure of being smart and handsome at the same time, and I’d always known that I didn’t stand a chance. The worst part was that he was always also polite and nice. I hated him for it. I hated how perfect I believed he was and how much I wanted him. I wished he was mean to me, I wished he wasn’t always so charming.
I took out all those feelings as anger and competition, when deep down inside, I harbored feelings for Grant that were yet untouched by anyone else. I’d only had one real boyfriend, a guy I met in San Fransisco a couple of months after I moved here. We dated for six months and then I broke up with him when he asked if he could move in with me. I didn’t want to take it to the next level, because I knew he was just a decoy. To keep my brain distracted from thinking about Grant.
I knew Grant had moved to San Fransisco as well, that he too had started his own start-up and I wanted to do everything in my power to stay away from him. After that guy, there were a few one night stands but nothing serious. I told myself, and my family, that I was just busy and that I worked too hard and had no time for a relationship. When the whole time, all I did was compare other guys to Grant. To a guy I hadn’t even seen in person for several years.
And now we’d had sex. I should have been feeling great that my wildest fantasy had finally come true, but I didn’t. Instead, I was lying in my bed and cursing myself for having been so weak. The anger I’d felt towards Grant was quickly diminishing. I wanted to be in his arms, I wanted more than just sex with him.
I wasn’t entirely naive; I knew very well that Grant wasn’t that kinda guy. He never had been in college and if I was to believe his reputation in Silicon Valley, he was a serial dater instead of a committed monogamist.
And yet, I couldn’t help but harbor hopeful feelings. I’d seen the hurt look he threw at me when I dismissed him after sex. He looked like he had something more to say, that he would have liked to sit down and talk with me after. But I’d ruined the moment, as a defense mechanism. I’d tried to act casual and disinterested just so that he wouldn’t have the opportunity to turn me down.
Now I wondered what would have happened if we had actually sat down to talk. I had to admit that he was still being kind to me. What if he was being truthful when he said that he offered to buy my company only to keep my product afloat?
I sat up in bed when that thought entered my head. I was beginning to wonder if it wouldn’t be that bad if we worked together. What would I have to lose now? Now, that we had already broken the barrier of sex. How much worse could it get after this?
In fact, if I worked at Lonex I might actually be able to keep doing my work. And if I was to trust Grant, he would give me complete freedom and independence like before. So, it could technically be business as usual. A smile formed on my face and I bit down on my lip. Just the prospect of talking to him again, accepting his offer was exciting me.
I didn’t want to think about the consequences of how it might affect my heart…if I was going to see him more often. Instead, I was thrilled at the idea of not completely losing my company and of working with him in close quarters.
I fell back on to the bed and my mind was swirling with day dreams and ideas. What if he did actually like me? What if the sex had meant something to him? Was that why he looked upset when we parted so abruptly?
I wanted to speak to him right there and then. I looked at the clock and it was nearly ten. I wasn’t going to call him now. I didn’t want to give him the impression that I was looking for another booty call. Instead, I forced myself to fall asleep so I could wake up the next morning fresh. I’d make the call next day, I thought. I’d call him and tell him I liked his idea, and invite him to lunch. We had a lot of things to talk about and I didn’t want to waste any more time.