Chapter Six
“Maya, what are you doing in there? I need to use the bathroom!” Allie banged on the door.
I just sat there, staring at myself in the mirror and feeling like nothing was real. This wasn't happening to me. It couldn't be.
No, no, no, I kept saying to myself. As if repeating it would somehow make it so. I wasn't crying. I didn't feel anything. I just stared at the little stick with the blue lines and thought it had to be wrong.
But it was the third one I'd taken. The third one that said it was true. The third positive I'd had that day.
I didn't answer Allie even though she kept shouting at me through the door. There was another bathroom she could use in the house. Somewhere else. Right now, I needed to be alone. I needed to keep staring at that little stick, praying that somehow I was reading it all wrong. But my thoughts were all jumbled and I couldn't pull myself together. My head was spinning and my heart was pounding. What was I going to do?
“Maya?” Allie said. This time her voice was softer, it sounded concerned.
“Yes,” I responded, my voice cracking. “I'm still in here.”
“Are you okay? Are you sick?”
You could say that.
“I'm fine,” I lied.
“You don't sound fine,” she said.
The doorknob rattled as she tried to open it, but I'd had the foresight to lock it.
“Listen, if this is about what Lauren said about you putting on weight, just ignore her. We all know she's a bitch –”
“It's not that,” I said softly.
“Then what is it?” she asked. “Come on, I'm your best friend, aren't I? You can tell me anything, you know that.”
Allie had quickly become my closest friend, so yes, she was right. She was my best friend. But I still felt so terribly alone. I didn't want to tell a soul. The fear and the shame that were gripping me so tightly were overwhelming. I just wanted to stay in this bathroom and hide away until I woke up from what had to be a terrible, horrible dream.
But I knew I couldn't go through this alone. Because it wasn't a dream, it was reality. And I needed help to get through this. Allie was all I had – the only person I could trust.
With tears stinging my eyes, I opened the door.
Allie stepped inside, her eyes on me. She looked concerned as she noticed the tears rolling down my cheeks. I looked at her and opened my mouth to speak, but couldn't find the words, so I closed it again. As I stood there before her, my best friend, I realized I didn't know how to tell her why I was crying – so I showed her instead. I picked up the pregnancy test and held it out to her. She didn't take it, she just looked down and a moment later, her eyes grew wide as she realized what she was staring at.
“Is this for real, Maya?” she asked me. “I mean, false positives aren't impossible, right?”
“It's the third one I've taken – all positive,” I said weakly.
To cover my face and hide away as best as I could, I put my head in my hands and fell to the floor. I was leaning against the bathtub, sobbing. I'd finally had to face the truth. I was pregnant.
“Who's the father?” Allie asked softly, sitting down beside me. “I didn't think you were seeing anyone –”
“I'm not,” I said. “It was a one-time thing. Just a one-nighter. So, goddamn stupid of me.”
“Shhh,” Allie said, pulling me into her and holding me close. “It's okay, Maya. It's going to be okay.”
Was it, though? How could it be? My life was forever changed and I felt like things would never be okay again.
“Well, there are ways we can handle this, clinics that will –”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “No, let's not talk about that. I can't do that. My parents would kill me.”
“They don't even have to know, Maya,” Allie said.
I knew she was right. It would be so easy. My life could go back to normal in no time. I could go to the clinic, have an abortion and no one would ever have to know. It could be my little secret. And it could save my life. My plans. My dreams.
But I'd know. I'd always know what I'd done.
“It goes against everything I believe in, Allie,” I said, choking up. “I don't think I can, not easily.”
“Well, you can think about it, Maya. You still have some time, so just think about it, okay?”
I nodded. “Okay,” I said. “I'll think about it.”
But lying to my parents? How could I look at them in the eyes ever again if I did that? How could I sit down to dinner, stare them in the face and keep this secret from them? They might expect it of Luke, but they would be absolutely devastated if it came from me.
I knew I couldn't.
There was no way I could keep this from them. Even if I decided to do what Allie was suggesting, I had to tell my parents. I had to own up to my mistakes. Whether I liked it or not, I had to tell them I was pregnant and find a way to deal with the fallout.
“I'm going to tell my parents though,” I said, feeling marginally better for having decided that. “I have to.”
“Are you sure that's a good idea?” Allie asked, raising an eyebrow. “I don't know your parents, but I know you've mentioned how strict and religious they are –”
“It may not be a good idea, but it's what I have to do,” I said. “Besides, my dad is a doctor, he'll understand. He'll support me – he has to, right?”
Allie didn't look so sure, and honestly, I didn't feel so sure myself.
ooo000ooo
“Maya,” my mom said, surprise in her voice as I stepped inside my family home, “we weren't expecting you tonight. Don't you have classes in the morning?”
“Yes, and I'll get up early and drive in,” I said with a fake smile. “I just needed to see you guys.”
Her eyes softened as she hugged me, thinking I came home because I missed them.
“Where's dad?”
“He worked a little late, but he should be home any minute now.”
“Good,” I said, my voice shaky as I removed my coat and scarf, hanging them up on the coatrack behind the door. “And Luke? Is he out for the night?”
I was hopeful. The last thing I needed was for my brother to be there to judge me and to mock me – especially considering the fact that the father of the child was his own best friend. Not that he'd know that, if Reese had kept our secret, anyway. I hadn't spoken to Reese since that night. He'd taken me back to my sorority house the next morning, dropped me off with a kiss and said he was leaving for LA so we probably wouldn't see each other again. I'd felt a twinge of sadness as I watched him drive off, but that was the deal. That's what we'd agreed to.
I just hadn't expected that I'd end up pregnant because of it.
“I think so? He didn't come home from work last night, so I don't really know. You know your brother and his friends,” she said, rolling her eyes.
“Yeah, I do. All too well.”
“I'm just glad one of our children turned out well,” she said, beaming with pride as she stared at me.
I had to look away from her. There was no way I could meet her gaze with the secret I was holding onto. I couldn't tell them until dad was home. He was the doctor; he'd be the logical one. My mom was emotional and was always concerned with what others thought of us. There was no way she'd take the news well. Not when I was their precious little angel. Not when I'd be neighborhood gossip when this got out.
Thankfully, the front door opened a moment later and my father stepped through it, kissing mom and looking at me with surprise.
“Well, look who decided to stop by!” he said, hugging me tight.
My dad's hugs usually always seemed to make everything better – but not this time. Not even daddy's hug could make this situation better. But perhaps his advice would.
My entire body was trembling and I was fighting a nauseous feeling in my stomach. My dad pulled away and stared at me, concern in his eyes. He looked at me and I lost control of myself and my emotions and began to cry. Normally, there was so much pride for me in those eyes, and I'd let him down. How could I not cry? I was probably never going to see that look of pride on their faces ever again.
“What's wrong, sweetie?” my mom asked, stepping up and putting her arm around my shoulders.
And before I could stop myself, I blurted out the news. No preamble. No softening of the blow – just threw the cold, hard truth out there.
“I'm pregnant,” I said.
And the room went completely silent and it felt like all of the oxygen had been sucked out. Neither my mom nor my dad said a single word for a long moment, and I would have sworn that they weren't even breathing.
“I'm sorry, I really am,” I sobbed. “I didn't mean for this to happen –”
“Who's the –” I knew what my mom was going to ask long before she spit out the words, but she couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence.
Knowing how they felt about Luke's friends, and knowing that Reese has made it perfectly clear that he didn't want to be serious with me, I did the only thing I could think of – I lied.
“I don't know,” I said, rubbing my eyes. “I don't know. It was a mistake; it was a one night stand at a party and I have no idea. He left before I could get his name.”
My mom looked as if she'd seen a ghost. My dad's grip on my shoulders got tighter, but his face remained neutral. He just stared at me, and I couldn't tell what he was thinking or feeling. He just stared at me without saying anything at all.
My mom, on the other hand, took a seat, fanning herself as if she might pass out. But my dad stared at me, and I watched as the pride he'd had in me slipped away, bit by bit. He looked at me as if he didn't even know me, like I was a stranger to him.
And honestly, I felt like a stranger myself.