Chapter Sixteen

Veronica

"Thank you for coming," Jude said as I walked up the steps onto the porch.

"Thank you for sending Aaron to get me," I said.

I wanted to tell him that I was impressed by the car, by the attention, but something held me back. We stood within inches of each other but didn't touch. Our eyes met and for a moment it felt like everything else around us disappeared. It was only us standing there and I could feel the pull in my chest, drawing me toward him.

"I wanted to make sure that you got here safely," he finally said, his voice softer. "Come in."

He stepped out of the way and gestured toward the door. I walked past him into the house and felt my breath catch in my throat. As imposing as the house was outside, inside it was gorgeous. It was opulent and yet somehow understated, the fine and yet so obvious line between a home groomed by old, established wealth and one crafted to emulate it by those newly fallen into money.

"It's beautiful," I said.

"Thank you. It's been in my family for generations. I've made a few changes, but a lot of it is the same as it has been since my great-grandfather lived here." He stepped up beside me. "Are you hungry?"

I nodded.

"Yes."

"Good. I had the cook prepare one of my favorites, chicken marsala."

He started to walk further into the house and I fell into step slightly behind him, allowing him to guide me into a dining room that could have comfortably hosted banquets. Two of the places at the massive table were already set and Jude pulled one of the chairs out for me. I settled into it and looked around myself. A bookshelf along the wall caught my eye.

"There are books in here," I said.

Jude laughed.

"There are books everywhere," he said.

"Did you just run out of space for them at school?" I asked teasingly.

"These are my personal collection," he said. "But, yes, I did run out of space for them."

I laughed.

"At least, that's how it started. Then I realized that I liked having them around in as many rooms of the house as possible. It's like they keep me company." He winced. "Does that sound as crazy to you as it did in my head?"

I shook my head.

"No," I said. "It doesn't sound crazy. You love them."

He gave a slight nod and the door opened, ushering in two uniformed staff carrying our first course. We fell into comfortable conversation as we ate, the distance that had formed between us in the time that we had been apart seeming to close gradually. Jude asked about Javi, but I pushed past it, not wanting to talk about him. I didn't know if he thought that Javi had told me about their confrontation, but I didn't want to hear Javi's voice in my head again. I didn't want to listen to his negativity. Everything felt so perfect and I didn't want anything to get in the way of it.

When we finished dessert, Jude stood and pulled my chair away from the table.

"Let me show you some of the house," he said.

We walked slowly along the hallways and I listened as he described the house as he remembered it when he was younger and the changes that he had made to it. I tried to imagine him as a child moving through these hallways and playing in these rooms, but I couldn't. Beyond the one younger image of him that I had seen in that article, I couldn't think of Jude as anything but the man that stood before me now.

Finally, we got to a set of double doors and he paused, giving me an almost mischievous smile.

"You mentioned the books in the dining room," he said.

He opened the doors and I stepped into an expansive library. I gasped, turning around in the center of the red and gold rug splashed across the floor to look at the towering shelves and nearly-toppling piles of books. I was so accustomed to Jude being totally in control, never seeming flustered, never letting any detail get out of place. Seeing the books teetering in piles, open on tables, and strewn across furniture was like getting a glimpse of a different part of him. I felt like I was being introduced to a new part of Jude and got a strange sense of satisfaction from the feeling that I was one of very few who had the opportunity to experience this part.

"Have you really read all of these?" I asked.

"Several times," he admitted. "For a long time, they were all I had. Sometimes I still feel like they are."

I turned to look at him.

"They aren't all you have," I whispered.

"Come on," he said. "There's something else I want to show you."

I followed him out of the library and through further hallways until we reached an even larger set of doors. Jude paused beside them with one hand rested on the handle.

"You humored me about my books," he said.

I scoffed.

"You make it sound like I hate books," I said.

"No," he said. "But you don't like them as much as I do. And you don't like them nearly as much as I think that you would like this."

He pushed the door open and again stepped out of the way. I walked into the room, but couldn't see anything. While the incredible darkness inside made it impossible for me to see anything, the room felt expansive around me. There was a faint smell of wood polish and when I took another experimental step forward I could feel the hardness of the wood beneath my feet. It was a feeling that was familiar, easily recognizable even through my shoes. I heard Jude walk into the room behind me and a moment later a glow formed behind me and grew, illuminating the breathtaking room that stretched ahead. I turned to look over my shoulder at Jude, who was smiling softly as he adjusted the brightness of the converted candelabras positioned along the wall.

"It's a ballroom," I breathed.

He nodded.

"It is. It's one of the original features of the house. My father had it wired for electricity when I was younger."

"Do you host balls here?" I asked playfully.

"I never have," he said. "I'm sure that there were some at one time, though. I make sure that it's kept up, though. You never know when there might be a need."

"For a ball?"

"Or a masquerade. Possibly a soiree."

I laughed.

"My goodness," I said. "An emergency soiree. Scandalous."

I felt Jude's fingertips trail down my arm so that he could take my hand and turn me toward him. It was the first time that he had touched me and I could feel the days of being without that touch amplified for a brief moment before it melted away into the warm rush that flowed through me. He brought me up close to him, his other hand coming to rest on my waist.

"Always," he whispered.

I instinctively settled my hand on his shoulder and we began to dance. There was no music but the strength of his arms and the confidence of his body carried me into the center of the floor. The lights from the wall only partially illuminated the space, allowing my focus to pull completely in to Jude. Our eyes locked on each other and I felt any lingering hesitation slip away. We had been gliding across the polished wood floor for a few moments when he slowly leaned down toward me and his lips settled onto mine. As aggressive and insistent as his kiss had been the first time, this kiss was controlled, almost cautious in the way that he closed the space that had formed between us.

As our kiss slowly deepened we stopped dancing, pausing in the middle of the ballroom. Our hands left each other so that he could wrap both around my waist and I could encircle his neck. I imagined him bringing me down to the floor and taking me right there. Instead, our lips parted, and he swept me up into his arms, gathering me close with one arm tucked beneath my knees and another around my back. I rested my head on his shoulder as he carried me out of the ballroom and through the house. We entered a section that we hadn't gone to when he was giving me the tour and I felt his hand shift on my legs so that he could turn the knob on a door. When it opened he stepped through and carried me into a bedroom.

Lowering me back to my feet, Jude walked back to the door and closed it, turning the lock. He turned on a lamp and I looked around at the room. I hadn't allowed myself to imagine what his bedroom would look like, forcing myself to accept the distance from our most personal spaces that we had always maintained when we came together in his office, the classroom, the park, and the ground. Now that I was looking at it, though, it was everything that I would have imagined it to be. The dark wood from the rest of the house carried through here and I was unsurprised to see more books filling shelves that lined the walls and sitting on the table beside the massive, imposing bed.

Jude came back to me and stood in front of me. I lifted my hands and touched them to the sides of his face, cupping his cheeks so that I could look into his eyes. He looked somehow different now, but there was still so much behind that dark gaze that I knew I didn't know and I wondered if I ever would. His hands touched my arms again and ran down until they settled on my hips. He ducked his face toward mine and used the tip of his nose to nudge mine until I lifted my mouth to accept his again. There was no rush in the way that he kissed me, no urgency or pressure. I had always felt like there was a clock ticking behind us when we kissed like we were being timed or just chasing the feeling until someone or something stopped us. There was none of that now. Time stretched in front of us. The locked door sealed us from the rest of the world. There was no one to discover us, no class to begin, no secret to cover with an excuse.

Just us.

I stepped out of my shoes and pushed them aside. Yesterday it would have been a meaningless gesture. It was something I did every day of my life. But this time it was different. This time it was an opening, the first time that I had been the one to make that first move. Even this still didn't trigger Jude into his usual aggressive, dominating pace that at once thrilled me and threatened to overwhelm me. Instead, he mimicked me, removing his own shoes and pushing them aside. He then reached around me and slowly lowered the zipper down the back of my dress. It peeled away from me and then pooled at my feet. He kissed one shoulder then let his mouth run across my chest to the other. The delicate strap of my slip fell down and he eased the other away, letting his fingertips softly caress my skin.

The slick satin fell away from my body as he gently guided it down, slowly exposing my breasts, then my ribcage, then my stomach. Jude lowered to his knees when the slip stopped at my hips and brushed his face across my stomach. The coarse hair of his beard scratched at my skin, sending a shiver along my legs that settled between my thighs. His breath soothed the feeling and tickled between my hip bones as he moved my slip the rest of the way down my legs and carefully helped me step out of it. I now wore only the scrap of satin of my panties and Jude briefly ran his face along the front of them as he stood. He gave me another brief kiss before scooping me into his arms again and carrying me over to the bed. Laying me down softly, he stepped back and undressed, his eyes not moving from mine.

The tips of my fingers craved touching him, but I didn't move. I felt more held by him in those moments than I ever had, the anticipation of the next moment carrying me through, making me feel suspended. Jude walked up to the side of the bed and rested his fingers on my ankle, drawing them slowly up my calf, over my knee, along my thigh, and over my hip. He brought them over onto my stomach, continuing to trace my body until they reached my breast. He paused for a moment to let his touch linger on my nipple, bringing it taut, then continued on to draw them up the front of my throat and over my chin to my lips. I kissed them softly, letting my mouth open just slightly so that they could touch the tenderness of the inside of my lips and I could taste his skin with the tip of my tongue.

He knelt on the mattress beside me and then brought his body over mine, resting down so that he fully enveloped me. Jude rested his arms on either side of my head so that he could stroke through my hair with both hands as he gazed down at me. I could feel his heartbeat through his chest, seeking the rhythm of mine. I breathed in and focused on that feeling. We kissed again and I ran my hand along his back to feel the tightness of his muscles. I don't know how long passed before Jude lifted up enough to reach between us and remove my panties. His fingers found the wet heat of my core and opened my petals further. His slow attention had awakened my body until each touch felt amplified and heightened.

I let my legs fall open on either side of him and Jude settled his hips between my thighs. The tip of his erection stroked through my core, massaging into my tightened bud. I gasped and lifted my hips, causing his cock to slip down and touch my opening. My breath caught in my throat and Jude looked at me, his eyes burning into mine as he adjusted just enough to reach into the drawer of the small table beside the bed and withdraw a condom. He rolled it into place and I felt the tip just dip inside me. He paused there, allowing both of us to feel this moment, to experience this touch. It was by far not the first time that he had touched me. It was by far not the first time that he had been inside of me. But it was different now.

We drew in simultaneous breaths, seeming to fill ourselves with each other, and he sank into me. My head fell back and I groaned as my body welcomed him. Even in the short time that we had been apart, it seemed that I had forgotten the way that he felt inside me and my body stretched to hold him. There was a brief moment close to pain and then I felt his hip bones crush against mine, melding us fully. Jude began to roll his hips, keeping our bodies tightly together but still stroking deep inside me. Each push of his hips reminded me of his body and it at once felt like it had been years since he had touched me and like we had never been apart.

I held him tightly and released myself to him, wanting to experience all of him.

The evening had softened completely to night by the time I lay beside him, my body humming, my breath still slowing gradually. Around us the room smelled warm and spicy, the scent of our bodies filling my lungs with every draw. My eyes fluttered open and I found Jude gazing at me. My lips curved into a smile.

"What?" he whispered.

"You're the one staring at me."

"You're beautiful."

I sighed and stretched against the luxuriously soft, smooth sheets.

"That was our first time in a bed," I murmured.

"Mmm-hmmm," he said.

Having Jude make love to me in a bed felt different than any other time. We felt more connected and I realized at that moment that it had impacted me more than I could have expected, even if I didn't fully understand how.

Jude turned and started to climb out of the bed.

"Can I ask you something?"

He glanced over his shoulder at me.

"I suppose you know that you can because you just did."

I pulled myself to sit up, pulling the sheets up around me.

"How did you know that I was a virgin?"

"What?" he asked.

"When I told you that I was a virgin, you said that you had suspected it. Why?"

He turned back toward me and sat down.

"The way that you carried yourself."

"What do you mean?"

"It's not that sex changes you or that you immediately look different. But when you become aware of yourself, when you learn more about your body and your desires, when you find out what you like and how to experience it, there is a certain type of confidence that you discover. You didn't seem to have that confidence. You didn't seem secure enough in your own skin."

As he said it, I realized that he was right. Though it wasn't something that I had been aware of or that I felt as it was happening, I knew that I had gotten more in touch with myself since being with Jude. I thought that I had known my body, that I was familiar with it and what it could do. Learning the pleasure that Jude could provide and what I could offer him, however, was something completely different. I understood my own body and the bodies of others in a new way and knew that I had expressed that through the changes that I had made in my choreography over the last several weeks.

Jude leaned toward me and kissed me.

"I'm going to take a shower," he said. "Make yourself at home."

He disappeared through a door into the attached bathroom and I heard the water turn on. I rested back against the pillows for a few moments, but then my curiosity pulled me out of the bed. I picked up the shirt that Jude had been wearing and dropped it down over my head. It settled over me, bringing with it his spicy smell and the feeling of his skin. The bottom brushed against my thighs as I walked out of the bedroom and started down the hallway.

Jude had shown me some of the house, but not all of it. I wanted to see more. I wanted to know more about the fortress where he hid away from the world. I roamed through, peering into open rooms and running my fingers along gilded frames and lush details that made each new area of the home that I discovered seem even more opulent.

Suddenly I found myself in a hallway that wasn't like the rest of the house. It was difficult to describe, but this area of the house seemed different. It felt somehow colder, an air of abandonment giving me a chill as I took my first steps into the corridor. It was as if something was staring at me and I glanced over my shoulder to make sure that I was still alone. When I saw that there was no one behind me, I couldn't tell if I was relieved or disappointed. My curiosity returned and I drew a steeling breath before I continued further down the hallway. The further that I went, the darker the hallway became and I reached out to run my fingers across the walls searching for a light switch. I didn't find one and by the time that I got to the end of the hall, I could barely see. I noticed that there were doors on either side of the hall and I gave one of them an experimental tug. It wouldn't move and I tried the next, but it, too, stayed firm.

"It's locked."

I jumped at the sound of Jude's voice and turned to see him standing at the end of the hallway. My heart was pounding in my chest and nervousness flooded through me. I knew that I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have left the bedroom. He had been so incredibly angry with me just for coming to his house without his permission and the first time that he invites me back and allows me inside, I take it upon myself to start roaming through it. I knew that he was going to be furious. I wouldn't have been surprised if he had forced me to leave right then without even allowing me to change back into my clothes. Instead, he came toward me.

"I'm sorry," I stumbled.

In the dim light, it was difficult to see his face. I saw his hand raise and touch the lighting fixture that was above my head. It reminded me of a smaller version of the ones that were in the ballroom. He must have touched a switch because the bulbs in the fixture began to glow, illuminating his face. Rather than being one of fury, his expression was calm.

"Did you get lost?" he asked.

I started to nod, but stopped myself. There was no reason to lie to him. I knew that he would know I wasn't telling the truth and it would only make me feel worse.

"No," I admitted. "I was curious."

He nodded and I could almost see the thoughts that were running through his mind. He reached up for the light fixture again and I saw him move a piece of it aside to reveal a hidden compartment. His fingertips dipped into the compartment and he withdrew a small key. I watched him as he stepped up to the first door that I had tried to open and put the key into the lock. The lock released with a deep click and he turned the knob to open the door. Without saying anything, he stepped out of the way. I looked at him for a few seconds and then walked up beside him to look through the doorway. Ahead of me was a bedroom. It seemed pristine when I first looked inside, but the longer that I stared at it, the more that I began to notice how old it really was. Jude reached around me to touch the light switch just inside the door and an overhead light ensconced in milky green glass added to the illumination from the light fixture in the hallway.

The new light touched surfaces covered in a fine film of dust for years. A perfectly made bed stood against one wall, pillows and bedding that had once been plush now flattened from the pressure of time. There was a delicate, subtle femininity about the room that made it completely different from the bedroom that I had just been in with Jude. Even under the dust, I could see that the room was beautiful.

"This was the bedroom that I shared with my wife,” Jude said.

His voice was soft and filled with an emotion and nostalgia that I wouldn't have expected from him. I was startled at the revelation and that he had been so willing to show this to me. I looked at him, unsure of what to say. I almost felt as though I could still sense the woman's presence in the room and I stepped away from it.

"Why is it still here?" I asked.

"I haven't been in it in nineteen years," he said. "It is exactly the way that it was the last time that she walked out of it."

I glanced toward the room again and noticed new details about it. I could see a watch sitting on the dresser and the tips of a pair of shoes peeking out from behind the chest that was sitting at the end of the bed. A pair of dark pants lay folded and draped over the back of a chair in the corner as if just taken off or waiting to be put on. I realized that I was looking at a crystallized moment in Jude's life. This room was a frozen, untouched testament to the last seconds that Jude lived before he realized that the life that he knew was over. Though I knew nothing about it, I could feel that the man who had stepped into this room was not the one who stepped out of it.

"That's why you have a different bedroom," I said.

"I couldn't bring myself to sleep here again."

I had so many questions that I wanted to ask him, so much I wanted to know, but I didn't know how to form them. Finally, I lifted my hand toward the other locked door that I had tried to open.

"What's in there?" I asked.

The calm expression on Jude's face darkened slightly and he reached into the bedroom to turn off the light. He didn't hesitate, didn't glance into the room again before he shut the door and used the small key to lock it. He walked over to the other door and reached up to another of the light fixtures. Just as with the first, he opened a small compartment in it that would have gone unnoticed by any who didn't know that it was there. He withdrew another key and stepped up to the door. I noticed that he hesitated more here than he did in front of the first door. He took a breath and inserted the key into the lock. It opened more quietly than the first and he slowly pushed the door open. He touched the wall on the inside and I saw the light turn on in the room before I walked up to his side. I looked into the room and my hand flew to my mouth, covering it to muffle the gasp that accompanied stinging tears that formed in my eyes when they saw the still, time-faded nursery beyond.