Chapter Twenty-Two

Veronica

I had been completely confident when I walked into Jude's office. I knew that this was the right time. This is what I had to do. But now it hurts so much.

I still knew that I was making the choice that was right for me. I needed to take control of my life again, not just for right now but for what was lying ahead of me. I had begun to pull away from Jude in small ways, not because I didn't feel anything for him but because I did. I knew with every passing moment that I was falling in love with him, and that was making it so much more difficult for me to cope with looking into his eyes and not seeing what I needed to see coming back to me. Not hearing what I needed to hear. It was because I was falling in love with him that I needed to take that step that I needed to break away from him now. I knew that we were never going to have a real relationship. He had made it clear to me that it wasn't something that was in the cards for us, and never had been. I couldn't keep going that way. I couldn't keep devoting myself so much to someone who wasn't willing to devote himself to me in the same way.

I knew that I needed to accept it ending and to be willing to move forward with my life. Though I had an amazing time with him and would always treasure the memories that we had made together, I needed to just move ahead. I couldn't cling to those moments and what I wished that they would be. It would be better to just begin the process of disengaging from him now so that I could get through it. I didn't want to be lost in my thoughts of him and mourning the end of our time together when I needed to be focused on the intensive or when I left to join the company, which could happen in a matter of weeks.

I didn't really know what I was expecting from Jude when I told him. I knew that his reaction could have run a range, meeting any marks along the spectrum. But how it had unfolded had hit me harder than I could have anticipated. I felt like I had been hit in the center of the chest, a painful throb around my heart that I tried to breathe through as I walked out of the building and hurried toward my next rehearsal. Always another rehearsal. But that was what I thrived on. With dancing, there was nothing else. I could close myself from the world and put everything into what I was doing. Dancing was my constant. There was always another rehearsal. Always another performance. I knew what to do, I knew what to expect and what was expected of me.

I let my rehearsals carry me through for the next week. I filled every possible moment with dancing. When I wasn't at a rehearsal or conditioning, I was stretching or listening to the music. I tried as much as I could to keep myself fully immersed in the experience of the pieces that I had been working on for so long. It wasn’t long until all that work would culminate and I couldn't let it fall apart now. I had to be true to the energy and the effort that I had put into every movement and remind myself of what had crafted each element of these final projects of my college career. The fact that I had already been chosen for the summer intensive meant both nothing and everything. It meant that the company didn't even have to wait to see the final performance, that they were impressed enough with the exhibitions and workshops that they had seen throughout the years to select me. It meant that some of the pressure has been taken off my senior performances and that I could give myself permission to relax and simply enjoy. At the same time, knowing that I had been chosen for the Intensive did nothing to take away the critical importance of every moment that I could dance until the semester was over. Just because they had selected me didn't mean that they couldn't change their mind or that they might not see someone else who impressed them just as much or even more.

I had to hold on to my position. I had to live up to what they had seen and what they hoped for, for the future of my career. It gave me somewhere to hide and it had been a long time since I felt like hiding as much as I did right then.

A week after my confrontation with Jude in his office, I still hadn't seen him. I didn't want to admit it to anyone else, but I found myself waiting to hear my phone ring or to hear him knock on the door to my apartment. I found myself waiting for him to come to me. But he didn't. I felt a heaviness in my stomach as I walked into the bar where Michael was waiting for me. He had been out of town since before I had gone to see Jude and this was the first time I had seen him since he had come back. I knew that it was going to be different now. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to look at him the exact same way that I had before I ended things with Jude. But I hadn't expected to feel as much hesitation as I did as I walked into the building and saw him sitting at the bar. He looked up and smiled at me.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi."

We sat beside each other in uncomfortable silence for several seconds before I turned to him.

"I ended it with Jude," I said.

I could have built up to it more. I could have tried to be a little bit more cautious with the way that I presented it or given some sort of explanation, but I didn't want to hesitate anymore. I didn't want to take any more time or any more effort. I just wanted the admission to be over. Michael blinked a few times and then stared down at his hands where they rested on top of the bar.

"How did he take it?" he asked quietly.

"Almost disturbingly well," I said. "But that's alright. It doesn't change anything."

"It doesn't?" he asked.

I shook my head.

"Of course not. I still want to do this. Nothing is different about that."

Michael looked as though he was starting to say something, but then his mouth fell open slightly and I saw the muscles tense throughout his body. I looked over my shoulder as he scrambled to get off the bar stool where he sat. Jude was stalking toward us, his eyes dark, his jaw set, and his nostrils flaring. I could see his hands clenched by his side and his shoulders were squared toward Michael.

"Jude," I said, getting down and trying to get in between the two men.

"Get out of my way, Veronica."

He walked around me, easily pulling himself out of my hand as I grasped at him. His hands grabbed onto Michael and he pulled him up close to meet his eyes. Their faces were only inches from each other and even from where I stood I could see the terror in Michael's.

"Jude, stop," I said.

My stomach was in knots and tears were already streaming down my face. This wasn't how this was supposed to happen. This wasn't the way that it was supposed to be.

"Leave her alone," Jude growled. "Get out of here and don't get near her again."

He pushed Michael away from himself and ensured that his body was positioned to prevent Michael from getting anywhere near me as he grabbed his jacket and rushed out of the bar. Jude stayed in place only long enough for Michael to disappear out of the building, then shot me a single look before walking out himself. I choked on my tears, stumbling back until I caught myself on the stool behind me and used it to hold myself up. I didn't know how to process what had just happened. I was devastated, but in the same breath, white-hot anger was coursing through me.

It was obvious that Jude thought Michael and I were on a date, and his reaction both infuriated and confused me. I didn't understand how he could be so casual, almost unfeeling when I told him that we should end whatever was going on between us, but then fly into a rage when he thought that I was seeing someone else. I felt like I was being torn apart and I didn't know which direction to go. I could feel the eyes of everybody in the bar staring at me, but I didn't care. It didn't matter to me what they thought or the questions they had. They could think whatever they wanted and make whatever judgments they felt like. It didn't impact me. It didn't matter to me anymore. I could see a man walking toward me, and I quickly let go of the stool and walked quickly and steadfastly toward the door of the bar. The last thing that I needed at that moment was someone thinking that they could comfort me into a one-night stand.

I got out into the parking lot and sat in my car, feeling as though I didn't know what I was supposed to do next. I didn't know where I was supposed to go or what I was supposed to do. I was being pulled in so many directions and I didn't know what decision I was supposed to make. I felt like any decision that I made, anything that I did, anything that I said, was going to shatter everything that I had built and the life that I thought I had. This wasn't the way that this was supposed to be and now that it had happened, I didn't know if there was any way to repair it. Finally, I cranked the engine over and started for home. I no longer felt like I had the energy to do anything else. Not now.

The door to the apartment opened before I could even get my key in the lock and Javi's arms were waiting for me. I curled into them and let him squeeze me close, tucking his head against mine as if he was trying to protect all of me. I held him until I felt like I had cried out everything that I needed to and then I pulled back and looked at him.

"You know what happened, don't you?" I asked.

Javi nodded, reaching up to brush a piece of my hair away from my forehead.

"Oh, honey," he said. "It's on YouTube."

"Fuck," I said, letting my head fall back and walking into the apartment where I dropped onto my face on the couch.

"What exactly led up to that?"

"I broke up with Jude," I admitted.

"Can you break up with someone who has never said that you are in a relationship?" he asked.

I turned my head to glare at him.

"Do you really think right now is the time for that?" I asked. "You're going to choose right this second, while the world watches the epic disaster that just happened and laughs at me, to just grind it in a little further?"

"I'm sorry. That was insensitive of me."

I sighed.

"It's fine," I said, letting my head drop down again. "I probably deserve it. I should have listened to you. From the very beginning. You were right and I should have known it."

"I can honestly tell you right now that I am getting no pleasure in you telling me that I was right. I wanted so much to not be. I wanted him to be amazing for you."

"Really?"

"Of course. I love you. Why wouldn't I want you to be happy?"

"Because you made yourself a gold medal out of Rolo wrappers and wore it for four days after you won our Monopoly marathon."

"That wasn't about me not wanting you to be happy. That was about me not wanting you to forget that you built your little bed and breakfast on Boardwalk and tried to gentrify Mediterranean with that fancy little neighborhood of yours, but I still dominated. It was a win for the people." I managed a weak groan and nodded against the couch. "What are you going to do?"

"It's Veronica."

The gate slid open and I drove up the driveway, stopping where I knew Aaron would find my car and move it to the spot behind the house that I had started to think of as mine. I knew that this would be the last time that it would be parked there. I got out of the car and stalked up onto the porch, pounding on the door. The housekeeper opened it and I saw her eyes widen.

"Hello, Miss Parrish," she said.

We had only encountered each other twice and it was obvious that she was surprised to see me standing there. I didn't know what Jude might have told her. I didn't care.

"I need to see him," I said.

I didn't wait for her to invite me in. I stepped past her into the foyer and saw Jude walk out of the hallway that led to his study.

"Veronica," he said.

"How dare you?" I took two strides toward him, my eyes locked on his without hesitation. "Who the fuck do you think you are?"

Jude looked toward the housekeeper and then back to me.

"Why don't we go somewhere where we can talk."

He turned and I followed him to his study, whirling around in the middle of the room to face him when he closed the door.

"How could you do that?" I demanded. "You are so embarrassed about us and about the way you feel about me that you don't even care that I say that we should go our separate ways, but then you act like that when you see me with someone else?"

"I'm not embarrassed about you."

"Of course, you are. You always have been. You can't stand the idea that you might actually have feelings for me or the thought of anyone knowing that you've been involved with me. But then it threatens your ego to think that somehow else might want me. You have completely taken advantage of me."

Waves of hurt and anger washed over me, but there was a desperation inside me, a silent pleading for him to tell me what I wanted to hear, what I needed to hear.

"That's never what I intended, Veronica."

"It really meant something to me when I opened up to you like that. I've never done that. I told you things that I didn't even tell Javi, things that I kept to myself for all these years. That wasn't something that I just did for fun."

"I know that, Veronica."

"And I thought that it meant something to you for you to tell me what you did."

"It did," he said, the anger stronger in his voice now. "Don't tell me what I feel."

"I have to," I snapped. "You never will. All you'll do is act like a complete ass when you realize that I'm no longer worshipping at your feet. And let me tell you something. That man you dragged away from me and scared the shit out of in the bar? I'm not dating him." Jude's eyes flashed and I saw his hands clench at his sides. "His name is Michael. I met him months ago because I had been looking for him. He's your son."

"I know who he is," Jude exploded and I stumbled back.

"What?" I asked, feeling like all of my breath had left my body.

"I know who he is. I know that he's my son."

"You do?"

"Don't you think that if you were able to find him in a matter of weeks, that after a lifetime of searching, I would be able to find him, too? I found him years ago. I've been checking up on him and making sure that he was alright since long before he came here. But I never wanted to interfere with him. I never wanted to take him away from the life that he already had."

"Why didn't you say anything? Why did you do that to him in the bar?"

"Because I didn't know that you knew," he said. "I thought that the two of you met and were starting a relationship. I couldn't stand the thought of you being with him. He is my son." He took a step toward me, his voice lowering. "I couldn't stand the thought of him touching you." He stepped closer again. "I don't want anyone touching you."