Chapter Twenty-One

Veronica

"You look exhausted," Javi said when I came into the apartment.

I dropped my bag down and sat on the sofa beside him, leaning over to rest my head on his shoulder.

"I am," I said. "I feel like I can't even move. I just kind of want to tip over and sleep right here."

"Maybe that's because you never sleep anywhere," Javi said. "I don't think I've actually seen you get into your bed in weeks. You're always up long after I go to bed and then you get up again before I wake up. You never stop."

There wasn't anything that I could say to argue with him. He was absolutely right. It had been a little more than three weeks since Jude had convinced me to go into my grandmother's house, and though we had talked through our argument and he had apologized, it seemed to only push him further into the tense, controlling mood that I had noticed in him recently. I had watched as he had become increasingly demanding and aggressive toward everyone around him, and it was seeping into the way that he interacted with me. He still showed the tenderness and consideration when we were alone together, and there were many times when I found myself laughing and enjoying myself with him so much that I forgot what he was really doing to me. But then there were days like today when I couldn't help but feel the pressure crushing down on me.

It seems like the closer that I felt to him, the more closed-off and unyielding he became toward me. He wanted more and more of my time and energy but seemed even less willing to acknowledge any sort of connection between us, or even that he cared about me. It felt like he had taken over my life and that I had almost forgotten who I was without him. I had long believed that was what it would be like to be in love. You give yourself completely over to the other person and no longer remember what it was like to have a life that they weren't a part of, and you are happily willing to give that up. You don't want to remember not having them. But that wasn't what it felt like anymore.

When Jude and I first started seeing each other, his dominance and the consuming effect that he had on my life was sexy and thrilling. I even liked the mysterious, forbidden aspects of him not acknowledging that we were in a relationship. It felt like a secret that we held only between the two of us and could enjoy in clandestine meetings and sneaky rendezvous that made each one feel luscious and sultry. Being his T.A. made our relationship seem deliciously taboo and I understood better why he wanted to keep it from others. Now, though, that didn't really apply anymore. We had been seeing each other for too long for it to feel new and the semester had long-since ended. I wasn't his T.A. anymore. That meant that the taboo was lessened, but it also meant that there was no reason for him to continue keeping me his dirty little secret. I felt like the time had come for him to be willing to open up about me.

"It's going to be fine," I said. "I'm going to be fine. It's all going to work out."

"Have you told him about Michael?"

I sighed. It was the question that I hoped so much he wouldn't ask.

"No," I said. "Not yet."

"Don't you think that you should?"

"I will."

"When? I understood you not telling him immediately, but it's been a while now, Ronnie. Do you think that he's going to be OK when he finds out that it's been so long?"

"Do you?"

Javi shrugged and I climbed off the couch. I needed to go to sleep. I needed the rest, but I also just needed to be by myself for a little while.

A few days later I walked into the dance studio and started slightly when I saw Jude standing in the center of the floor, staring into the mirror.

"You scared me," I said. "I didn't know you'd be here."

"Is there something that you want to tell me, Veronica?"

I felt my heart clench and my breath catch in my throat.

Did he know? How could he have found out? Could Michael have finally decided that he didn't want to wait any longer and approached him? Could it have been Javi?

I tried to look as casual as I could as I put my bag down and started to peel away the clothes that covered my leotard and tights.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You said that you had rehearsal yesterday afternoon," he said. "But you didn't go to any of the rehearsal buildings."

I let out a breath, realizing that I could easily talk my way out of this. I walked out onto the floor and kissed his arm.

"I know," I said. "I got a phone call from the director of the department before I headed for the rehearsal building. He told me that he needed to talk to me in his office, so I went there."

"Why?" Jude asked.

"Well, I was going to tell you when I came over to your house this weekend, but I guess I'll tell you now. I was selected to be a part of an intensive program at the University this summer. It's being held by one of the companies that I was hoping to be noticed by. They chose me out of the entire department. If I impress them during the intensive, then they could make a permanent position for me. It's an incredible opportunity."

"Everything that you've wanted," Jude said.

I nodded.

"Exactly."

Jude continued to stare at me in the mirror and I felt his eyes burrowing into me as if they were making my skin melt away where they touched so that he could look inside me and know what I was thinking and feeling. I felt him scouring the inner depths of me, trying to find out if I was telling him the truth, seeking out what he wanted to know. Finally, he turned to look at me.

"Then I guess that you should get to work," he said. "You want to make sure that you're ready to impress them. Opportunities don't come along as often as you might want them to. "

He took the two steps that it took to close the space between us and touched a kiss to my lips. It felt somehow different and a chill settled through me as he walked out of the studio. Somehow, I felt that there was more in that kiss than just the words that he had said. The thought that had gone through my mind as soon as he mentioned me not going to the rehearsal building came back and I felt it sink into my stomach. I hated that was what I thought. I hated that I felt like I needed to explain myself to him, or that there was the hint of fear inside me when I wondered what happened, how he would react if I wasn't able to explain it the way that I did.

That wasn't the way that I should feel. That wasn't what he should do to me. I should still have the thrill inside me, still get the butterflies when I thought of him without them quickly being chased by the sense of pressure and control that started to surround me. In the time that I had spent with Jude, I had learned so much about myself. The hidden, secretive feeling that had once been so exciting now felt wrong and I realized that I was really disliking it. I was building the confidence and strength that he said that I would, but now I felt that it was backfiring because as I grew in that confidence and strength I realized that Jude wasn't giving me what I needed.

I needed to take control of my life again.

Jude

She was with him again.

I had seen them together.

This time they went to a tiny Italian restaurant tucked on the corner of an obscure part of the nearby neighborhood blocks from her grandmother's house. The very house that I had twice more tried to convince her to go inside and start to empty out. I had seen the way that she looked at the picture hanging on the wall in that house the first time that she went inside. It was hidden behind a layer of dust, but it was the family that she had lost, the family that she had then struggled to put behind her. I wanted her to do what I hadn't been able to do, to fight through what had been holding her back and crash headlong into the life that was waiting for her on the other side. It might be too late for me, but it wasn't for her.

Then I saw them.

I kept seeing them.

She told me that she was going to rehearsals or that she needed to meet with the department representatives about the intensive. But then she would go to be with him.

I watched them. Not realizing at first how far I was falling, how far I was going. Then not caring.

I watched every word that they said to each other even though I couldn't hear them. I watched every time that they looked at each other. I watched every time that their hands slipped closer to each other across the table or when they parted, waiting to see if this would be the time when he kissed her.

I tortured myself with thoughts about when they might see each other that I didn't know or what they might do when they were alone. I clawed for more time with her, wanting to fill every minute with her so that she couldn't be with him, but I could feel her pulling away. Even when she was with me, she wasn't all there. There were moments when I looked at her and found her staring at me, her eyes as deep as tide pools, and I could see the plea in them. Words tingled on my lips, but I couldn't say them. I had made myself completely vulnerable when I opened up to her. I turned myself inside out and lay myself unprotected in front of her as much as I could. Now she was drifting and I felt like she was slipping from my fingers.

I couldn't hold her down.

That wasn't me. That wasn't why I had hired her as my T.A. and it wasn't why I had pushed her against the office door and took her on the desk. It wasn't why I kept letting her draw me back in. I wanted her body and then I wanted her companionship. She had given it to me openly and willingly, but if she wasn't willing to any longer, I wasn't going to try to drag it from her.

But I wasn't willing to hand her to him.

I watched them sit across from each other and lean gradually toward one another so that they could hear each other over the sound of everyone else around them. People looked at them, but they didn't shy from the attention. They didn't care if anyone saw them. I wondered what they would do if I walked into the restaurant.

I didn't.

By the next week, I wished that I had.

Veronica stepped into my office and I smiled.

"Well, this is a surprise," I said. "Your phone has been off all day. I didn't think that I was going to see you."

She nodded and closed the door behind her. There was no smile on her lips as she came to sit in the chair across the desk from me. I knew with that gesture she was telling me something. Not since before Halloween had she come in and taken that seat without moving the chair closer. Usually, she perched on the corner of the desk or came and sat in my lap. By sitting in that chair, she was putting space and a tangible barrier between us and I immediately knew what was coming. I felt my heart harden and my blood chill.

"I needed to talk to you," she said.

"Alright. Talk."

"I've been thinking about this a lot recently. I have really enjoyed the time that we've spent together and I will never be able to tell you how much it's really meant to me. But I think that we might have run our course."

"Run our course?" I asked.

She nodded.

"Jude, come on. You know what I'm trying to say. We've had a lot of fun together, but things have changed. I'm not your T.A. anymore and with the intensive coming up, I'm going to be spending even more time dancing. If the company asks me to stay with them permanently, I'll be moving out of state. What then? We won't be able to just get together whenever we want to. I don't want to hold you back. I might be gone for months at a time. Maybe even longer. If you want to see someone else, you should be able to. I just feel like this way nobody gets hurt, right? Everything that we've been through has meant so much to me and I want for us to be able to part with respect and continue to be friends."

I felt like my lungs were crushing under the pressure of her words, but I didn't show it. I intertwined my fingers on the desk in front of me and nodded.

"Thank you for sharing that with me," I said.

She looked at me expectantly.

"Is that it?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" I asked. "If that's how you feel, then that's what matters. I appreciate you telling me."

Veronica looked visibly confused. Her face had fallen and she seemed to be sagging slightly in the chair, unsure of how to process what I had just said. She continued to stare at me, obviously waiting for me to say something, but I wasn't going to. If she had made the decision to leave, that meant that that was what she wanted and she needed to do it. I needed her to get out. I needed her to leave.

"Alright," she finally said. "I guess I'll see you around."

She stood and started for the door. I picked up a pen and started sifting through the papers on my desk, busying myself so that I didn't have to look at her. I nodded.

"Sure," I said. "I'm sure that we'll run into each other on campus. Best of luck with your intensive."

She hesitated for only a few seconds longer and then walked out, closing the door behind her. I waited until I knew that she was gone and then slammed my fists on the top of the desk. The cold control that I had been able to maintain cracked inside me and I felt the fury flow out, seeping to every inch of my body and burning in the tips of my fingers and behind my eyes. I couldn't believe that she was doing this to me, but I also wasn't going to chase her. I wasn't going to plead with her. I knew what she wanted, but she had no right to want it.

I shouldn't have to say those words to her. I shouldn't have to tell her how I felt about her. If she didn't know from the way that I treated her and how much we had shared with each other, then she couldn't feel it. Hearing arbitrary words wasn't going to change that. She should know what she meant to me from those alone and if she was going to walk away from me so easily, then I would let her go.

But I couldn't let her go to his arms.

The thought alone infuriated me.