Chapter Seven

Jude

I couldn't get the image of Veronica dancing out of my mind as I drove back to my house that afternoon. She was gorgeous up there on the stage, highlighted by the single hazy light that had been opened to its fullest, so it spilled pale illumination across the dark-painted wood without defined edges. What she wore was so completely different from the clothes that I usually saw her in. It clung to her, accentuating the tight nip of her waist and round curve of her hips. But it was the movement of that lush body that had really pulled me in and held my attention as I sat in the shadowy seats of the rehearsal space. I hadn't intended on going to the rehearsal. I had been in a meeting and was crossing campus toward the library to continue the research that I had been doing for a new piece I was planning to submit to a journal when the sign pointing out the dance rehearsal space caught my eye.

Seeing the sign reminded me of all the times that Veronica had talked about dancing. She spoke about it in a way that made me feel as though I was hearing a different part of her, like a piece of her was hidden away, waking up only when she talked about her love for dance. I knew that she spent most of her time when she wasn't in class dancing and thought that there was a good chance that she would be in the rehearsal space. I thought that I would dip in for a few moments to see what she was talking about and then continue on my way to the library. The moment I saw her moving across the stage, though, I was captured. I felt magnetized to her, drawn down the aisle and into the seat. It wasn't enough just to satisfy my curiosity. I needed to experience more of this.

As I sat there watching her guide the other dancers through the same movements, I noticed that it wasn't the same when they danced. They performed the same movements, made the same gestures, but it wasn't the same. When Veronica danced it was like she was consumed by the movements, like something was filling her and creating the dance rather than her body being the controlling factor. Though she was smaller than the other two people on the stage, when she danced, she seemed to take up more space, as though the energy, the expression created within her spread out from her body and filled the area around her.

The longer that I watched her, the more I acknowledged that the draw that I had toward her was growing more intense. I knew that it was only the powerful pull of my body, the primal attraction to her that was fueled further every time that I saw her. There were no emotions. I didn't do emotions. I had closed them off long ago. My body could crave, but not my heart.

The next morning, I was waiting for Veronica when she arrived at my office. She started to sit down, but I already had my keys in my hand and shook my head.

"We're not staying here," I said.

"Oh," she said. "Where are we going?"

"I'll explain on the way."

She nodded and followed me out of the office. I led her to the parking deck and unlocked my car, waiting until she got inside to get behind the wheel. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed her looking around the cabin, the expression on her face obviously impressed. I hadn't chosen one of my antique vehicles, but she still seemed struck by the smooth leather and gleaming controls. I remembered the car that I had seen her get into the day before. While well-maintained and cared for, the car was at least ten years old. It only furthered the suspicion that I had since I first met Veronica that she was not one of the students that was gliding through their years of college like they were an extension of their childhood, supported completely by their parents and without any concept of actual responsibility.

There were many things that I resented my father for, things that had changed the way that I saw the world around me even before I had a chance to experience it, but something that I always respected about him was his sense of independence and personal responsibility. Just as he had been required to by his father, he had required that I work from the time that I was very young, proving myself and learning the value of money before I was allowed to inherit the estate. While I chose to leave that career as soon as I could and instead devote myself to the University, the time that I had spent working and supporting myself was formative and gave me a greater appreciation for all that was provided to me.

I knew that it was different for the students that I saw meandering their way through their years of study, some of them taking a fifth or sixth year by changing their concentration, or even transitioning right into graduate school without a breath, continuing to cling to the apron strings. When I was working I knew that at the end of my time in the professional proving ground I would have my family's billions and the estate. Though some of those students came from affluent families, they would still need to find their own way in the world when they emerged from school. Their parents ensuring that they had everything taken care of for them, from their tuition to their housing to a new car every year, was preparing them only for the next year of school, not for the realities of life. The truth was that no matter how set they thought their life was, no matter what plans they held for their future, they didn't know what was going to come. They didn't know what they might need to face.

They didn't know how quickly things could change.

I pulled out of the parking deck and started away from campus.

"Now can you tell me where we are going?" Veronica asked.

"Well, actually, I was hoping that you would tell me."

"What? What do you mean?"

"I need your help choosing a gift."

"A gift?"

"The granddaughter of my head housekeeper is turning eighteen. I want to do something for her, but I don't know what she would like. I was hoping that you would be able to give me some ideas."

I could still remember the day that Cecilia was born. Louise had been with my family since I was a child, starting first as just a member of the cleaning staff and then progressing her way through the ranks until she ran the household. She had only one child herself, a son around my age who I had sometimes played with when I was young, but who I had lost touch with over the years as he formed his own interests and then left to start his own life. He came back to announce all at once that he had gotten married and was expecting a child soon. That had been hard for Louise, a mother who had devoted herself to him with everything that she could, but despite the pain that it had caused her to know that her only son's life had unfolded without her, she had opened her arms to him, welcoming the sudden family back into her life without question. The arrival of Cecilia had been one of the most thrilling and beautiful days of Louise's life. She had been so excited to become a grandmother, so excited to see the next generation of her family come into the world.

There had been such a mix of emotions for me that day as I walked into the hospital and stood beside Louise at the window to the nursery. We looked down at the baby, her tiny hands pulled in to her chest and her eyes closed against the light that was still so unfamiliar to her, and I felt myself coming apart inside. I felt happiness for Louise and for the new parents that were just beginning their lives with this wonderful little being that they had created, but there was an ache inside me that I couldn't ignore. There was a pain in my chest, as though the hollowness that had begun like a small hole was getting larger, dissolving away everything as it expanded. Soon it would fill me, taking everything with it.

I hadn't said anything to Louise that day. Even when she looked at me with the sadness in her eyes that softened the edges of the joy that shined out of them. Even when she rested one aged hand on my back and tried to pat it comfortingly. Even when she said that she didn't think that I would come. I just stood there and stared through the glass at the baby, my hand shaking on the handle of the gift bag that I held.

Now that I was shopping for another gift for that child so many years later, I didn't even remember what that first one was. My wife had chosen it weeks before and wrapped it, the last gift that she would ever wrap. I didn't want to hand it over to Louise that day. I was so aware of the touch of her fingers on the gift bag and didn't want to separate myself from even that lingering remnant of her.

It was hard to believe that that was eighteen years ago. That little baby was grown now, an adult ready to embark on her own life. There was a part of me that still wanted to push thoughts of Cecilia away and not have to bring myself to acknowledge her or the fact that it was her eighteenth birthday that was coming. It was a milestone that I should have marked six months ago, but that day came and went in silence. The other part of me, though, knew that this was what I should be doing. Louise had been an important part of my life for a long time and I wanted to show her my appreciation by marking the meaningful occasion. I just didn't know how.

That's how I hoped that Veronica could help me. It wasn't too many years ago that she was turning eighteen. Maybe she would be able to give me an idea for a gift that Cecilia would appreciate and that would have some meaning.

"What kind of gift do you want to give her?" Veronica asked.

"I don't know. I don't even know where to begin."

"How well do you know her?"

"I've known her since the day she was born and her grandmother has been with my family since I was just a child. I haven't spent a lot of time with her personally, but her grandmother is important to me."

She nodded, the look on her face indecipherable.

"Then let's go to Shady Grove. We can narrow down the options once we get there."

I nodded in agreement and started toward the open-air mall that had been built on the edge of town just a few years before. I had been to it only once to attend the rehearsal dinner for a colleague's wedding and I remembered walking through it feeling like I had wandered into some strange little town inhabited only by those who also worked in the clusters of shops and restaurants, leaving the windows to the apartments above them dark. I knew that they were just facades, built to resemble apartments to make it seem more like little neighborhoods than a sprawling commercial district, but there were still moments when I felt like there were eyes staring down at me. It was unnerving and an experience I wasn't eager to repeat, but I knew that it would give us the best opportunity to explore different options and find something that was right for Cecilia.

"Tell me about her," Veronica said as we made our way through the entrance to the shopping center.

The air was warm but there was a touch of the beginning of fall in it that felt strangely nostalgic and calm. I was glad for the lightweight sweater I wore, sleeves pushed up to my elbows. Just stepping into the pools of shadow created by the uneven architecture of the buildings and the trees arranged throughout the wide walkways and open courtyards like tiny parks brought a slight chill and I knew that the stores would still have their air conditioning systems pumping to battle the last gasps of the summer weather that had stayed with us over the past weeks.

"About Cecilia?" I asked.

She nodded.

"Yes," she said. "I need to know something about her if you want me to help pick a present for her that she'll like."

"Like what?" I asked. "What do you want to know about her?"

Veronica looked ahead of us and shrugged.

"I already know she's turning eighteen, but what else? What kinds of things does she like? How does she dress? What type of music does she listen to? What does she want to study in college? What does she do for fun?"

The questions came at me in a barrage and I realized that I didn't really know the answer to any of them.

"I don't know," I said.

My voice came out powdery and Veronica turned to look at me, her eyes narrowed.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

I turned to look fully into her face and felt the thoughts that had flowed into my mind crystallize. It didn't bother me that I didn't know those things about Cecilia. I didn't feel that I needed to have personal knowledge about her. I was kind to Louise and I wanted to do what I could to show my appreciation for her by acknowledging the person in the world she loved more than anyone, even though I saw her only a few times each year. The twist in my heart came from a freshly opened wound, the realization of all the things that I didn't know about a child who I never had a chance to watch form his own thoughts and opinions, to choose his clothing or pick a hobby, or even to celebrate a birthday with.

"Nothing," I said, forcing a tight smile. "I'm just not sure where to start. Maybe this wasn't a good idea."

"No," she said with a soft smile. "I think that it's very nice of you to want to give her something for her birthday. I'm sure it will mean a lot to her, and to her grandmother."

I tried to think harder about anything that Louise told me about Cecilia and anything that I could remember from the few brief times that I had actually interacted with her. It wasn't that I had purposely avoided her. She only came to see her grandmother occasionally and when she did, they spent time together either in Louise's quarters or they left the house for the day. I knew of her as a tall, almost gangly teenager with black hair that hung slick and glossy to her waist. She had a wide, toothy smile, and almond eyes that looked just like her grandmother's.

"Horses," I said, almost spontaneously. "Horses. I know that she likes horses. Louise told me that she started riding when she was younger and that she wants to be a veterinarian specializing in caring for horses."

"That's an impressive ambition," Veronica said.

I nodded, remembering the pride in Louise's voice when she talked about it. I was surprised that I remembered it, but at least it gave me something to build on.

An hour later I walked out of a jewelry store with a small bag dangling from my fingers and watched as Veronica crossed the courtyard in front of us to a large decorative fountain. She surprised me by climbing up on the smooth cement edge of the basin around the fountain walking along it, her hands fluttering beside her like an old-fashioned tightrope act. I felt myself smile and a rare laugh bubble from my throat. I walked up to the fountain and walked along beside her as she made her way around the edge, looking up at the glow of the sun that surrounded her. Suddenly her foot hit a small puddle on the cement and slipped, causing her to stumble. I reached up and grabbed her hand, helping her to stabilize herself. When she was steady again, she smiled down at me.

"Thank you," she said.

I noticed that she didn't immediately take her hand from mine, instead holding it as she took the last few steps around the perimeter to complete her circuit and then allowed me to help her jump down. Her fingers slid away from mine and then dipped into the small purse she wore across her body. They emerged holding two coins. She offered me one and I looked down at it.

"What's this?" I asked.

She held her coin in her hand and smiled again.

"A wish," she said, sounding like it should have been obvious.

Veronica closed her eyes tightly for a moment, kissed the coin, and tossed it into the fountain. She then turned to me expectantly.

"What?" I asked.

"Your turn."

I looked at the coin, contemplating the concept of making a wish, of having that sort of optimism and whimsy. Closing my fingers over it, I handed it back to her.

"You make one for me," I said.

Veronica looked at me with disappointment.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

I nodded.

"Go ahead."

She looked at the coin in her hand for a few seconds and then shook her head.

"No," she said. "I can't make your wish for you. That's not how it works. I'll just hang on to this. Eventually, you'll know what you want to wish for."

She tucked the coin back into her purse and we started toward the parking lot.

"What did you wish for?" I asked.

Veronica grinned at me over the top of the car.

"That's not how it works, either," she said. "I can't tell you what I wished for."

"Then how do I know if it works?"

"We'll just have to wait and see."