Two Days Later

Dear Diary,

My heart can’t take it any longer. Saying I merely miss Saxon seems so mediocre because I can’t even think his name without wanting to curl into a ball and forget the world exists.

After everything Sam has done, I should hate him. I know that I should. But I don’t. I know most will say I’m weak, nothing but a doormat to allow him back into my life, but put yourself in my shoes. What would you do?

It’s hard to hate someone clearly trying to make amends.

He’s been kind, caring, everything he once was, everything I once loved, and although I am beyond thankful, I just want to be left alone.

It’s been radio silence from Saxon. We both evidently need time to digest what exactly went wrong. The time apart is torture, but it’s what I need. I shouldn’t be torn…but I am. I think my mom and Saxon are right. I do… love Sam. It makes me sick to write that down. My gluttony knows no bounds.

I’m not in love with Sam—not how I once was, that much I’m sure of, but I do love him. Maybe until I figure out what that love means, this is the best place to be.

Saxon deserves nothing but my entire heart, and until I can give him that, I have to stay away. I can’t hurt him anymore. So that leaves me alone with Sam, attempting to figure out what my feelings for him mean.

 

A knock on the door interrupts my personal thoughts, ones I’m not proud of. But they’re there just the same. “I brought you some dinner. You haven’t eaten in two days.” Sam stands in the doorway carrying a plate.

“Thanks,” I say with a strained smile as I close my diary. He enters quietly, passing me the sandwich. My stomach clenches at the thought of eating, so I go to place it on the bedside table, but pause to see it’s filled with others just like it.

Sighing, I dump it beside me.

“You need to eat.” He sits at the foot of the bed, nothing but concern clouding him.

“I know. But the thought of eating…makes me want to throw up.” On cue, my stomach growls, and the nausea rises.

Sam runs a hand over his stubble, which has me wishing he’d shave. He looks too much like Saxon, and my brain and heart can’t take it.

“Have you called him?”

I can’t hide my utter grief. “No.”

“Here.” He digs into his jeans pocket, producing his cell. “Call him. Talk to him. I’m sure you can work out whatever is going on.” But that’s the problem—I don’t know what’s going on, and until I figure it out, it’s best I stay away.

I never thought I’d see the day when Sam would encourage me to make amends with Saxon, but he’s been doing just that for the past two days.

“Thank you. Really. But I have my own phone to call him on.” I lower his hand because his offering is making me want to vomit all over again.

“Then why don’t you? You’re both miserable.”

“I’m sure he’s fine. He’s the one who decided to stay at a hotel.” I completely understand why, but it seemed a lot easier for him to walk away first.

“Yes, which doesn’t make any sense. I wish you’d tell me what happened,” Sam says, eyebrows knitted together. I draw my knees to my chest.

There is no way I will ever divulge the reason. I don’t need any more complications. If Sam found out, it would ruin all the progress we’ve made as friends. I’m the one who can’t seem to accept this newfound friendship, not Sam.

“Just stuff. Don’t worry. I’ll be okay. Go see Alicia. There’s no point in both of us being miserable.” I go to shoo him away, but then freeze when he looks like he’s just swallowed lead. “What’s wrong? I promise my bad mood isn’t contagious.” Not the best time to be making jokes, but I can’t stomach all this doom and gloom.

He tugs at a loose thread on the duvet. “I think she hooked up with some dude on the night of her birthday. She’s been avoiding me ever since.”

“Why do you think that?” I’ve been so self-absorbed, I haven’t even noticed he’d been off.

“’Cause I saw her in a compromising position before I left. Doesn’t take much to imagine what happened next.”

“Oh.” I wish I could say I was surprised, but sadly, I’m not.

“Yeah, it’s fine, though. It was bound to end sooner or later.”

Sitting up against the headboard, I cock a brow. “Really?”

“She’s a fun girl, but that’s all she really was. Fun.” Saxon’s words of wisdom crash into me. He was right. But when isn’t he.

“I think I’m just going to enjoy my own company for a little while. Figure out what comes next.” Which is exactly what I intend on doing…if only not for this constant ache in my chest.

My cell chimes, scaring the bejesus out of me. I lunge for it, hoping by some miracle it’s Saxon. It’s not. “Hi, Mom.”

“I’m sorry, honey. Were you expecting someone else? I can call back if you’re expecting a call.” Instantly, I feel like an utter asshole.

“No, I’m sorry. I’m just feeling a little sick.”

“Is that why you’ve been avoiding my calls?” She’s right. I have been. I’ve needed time. But I can’t avoid her forever.

Pressing the receiver to my chest, I sheepishly look at Sam. “It’s my mom. Would you mind giving me a minute?”

“Of course not.” He gently strokes my ankle, then exits the room.

Taking a breath, I compose myself as best I can. “Hey, sorry. I’m back.”

“Was that Saxon?” Nothing slips past her.

“No. It was Sam.”

Time stands still. “Is everything all right?”

I can’t pretend any longer. It’s time she knows she was right all along. “No.” The fact I can hold back my tears is a miracle. She gives me all the time I need. “Saxon and I are on a break… I think. I actually don’t even know what we’re doing, to be honest. Everything has been great, but two nights ago, I found out he’s been given a fantastic business opportunity.”

“That’s wonderful news.”

Nodding, I swallow past the lump in my throat and continue. “It is. But it means he won’t be leaving Oregon anytime soon.”

“Oh, I see.” But she doesn’t see. Not yet anyway.

“I’m so proud of him, but it means if I want to be with him, then I’ll have to move.” I rub my temple; the truth bound to give me another migraine. “It shouldn’t be that hard, but it is. And Saxon…” I take a deep breath. “And Saxon seems to think that it has to do…with Sam.” There, I said it. Let the judging begin. I deserve it.

But I don’t get anything of the sort. “And what do you think?”

Looking at the thoughtful food offerings surrounding me, I confess, “I don’t know. And I hate myself for it. Saxon is hurting, and I wish I could take away his pain, but I am the pain. A small part of me agrees with him. I’m so ashamed of myself, and I know this is reminiscent of the conversation we had weeks and weeks ago, but everything—” my voice catches, and everything once again turns to utter shit “—is just so messed up.”

“Oh, honey.”

I can’t bear to hear her anger. “I know. I’m disappointed in me too.”

“I’m not disappointed.”

I sniff back my tears. “You’re not?”

“No. To anyone on the outside looking in, they probably can’t understand why you’re in the predicament you’re in. Saxon is wonderful.”

“He is,” I agree without missing a beat.

“But before this happened, you were happy with Sam. And although he’s done and said some awful things, it’s hard for you to turn your back on someone you’ve loved for half of your life. Sam is safe. You wouldn’t have to leave Montana. Or sell your house.”

“But…” I sniff as she has articulated what I haven’t been able to in just three words. Sam is safe.

“But you’re not the same person you once were…and that’s because of Saxon.”

“What does that say about me, though? Why is it so hard to let Sam go then?” I know she’s only trying to make me feel better, but I need her to shed light on something that makes no sense. “Just when I think I’ve sorted out my feelings, I’m overwhelmed with memories.”

“Because…you’re in love with both of them.”

I wince, horrified. “No, no. That…no. What does that say about me if that were true?” I’m sickened at that thought. Yes, I can admit I have feelings for Sam. But in love with him? That’s not possible.

“It makes you human,” she kindly replies. But I don’t want her making excuses for me.

Jumping from the bed, I ignore the dizziness and begin to pace because I’m unable to stay still. Threading my hand through my hair, I try to make sense of this. “I don’t want to be with Sam. I love Saxon. He’s the one I want.”

My gaze falls on the place he once slept, and a longing hits me so hard, I stagger backward. “But with Saxon, I have to start again…and I’m scared. He has the ability to destroy me.”

A weight suddenly lifts. Could it be I’m making some headway?

“Chase the chaos, Lucy. I know I’ve said this once before, but now, I think it’s more important than ever.”

“Saxon is my chaos,” I confess, wiping away my tears. I’ve done enough crying to last me two lifetimes.

“The answer is there. You just have to be sure. Give yourself time. Whoever you choose, they’ll wait. You’re worth waiting for. Don’t you ever forget that.”

A stray tear falls because I am so lucky to have her as my mom. “Thank you,” I whisper. “What should I do?”

“I can’t tell you that, but I know you’ll make the right decision.”

“I miss him. So much.” There is no need to specify who.

“Then call him,” she counters like it’s common knowledge.

“What would I say? Sorry for breaking your heart time and time again?”

“How about hi?”

I snuffle a laugh into the phone. “Thank you for being the best mom ever.”

“I’m only the proud owner of that title because I have the best daughter in the world. No matter what, your father and I will always love you. We’re proud of you. Whatever you decide.”

Feeling like a small piece of me has returned, I sit on the edge of the bed and sigh. “I told Dad I owe you guys a trip to Hawaii. Make that the French Rivera.”

She laughs, warming the lingering cold within. “You owe us nothing. You’ve already given us so much.” That’s where she’s wrong. “Have you heard from the realtor? If you’re still selling, that is?”

Whatever happens, I know for certain this house has to go. “No, nothing. Which reminds me. I need to call her tomorrow. I’ll just add it to the list.”

“Okay. Well, if you need us, you know where to find us.”

Talking to my mom has always given me solace, and I didn’t realize how much I needed it until now. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Just as I’m about to hang up, she says, “Lucy…listen to your heart. No matter your decision, it’ll lead the way. Don’t forget, you may feel selfish for taking this time…but it would be far more selfish of you to be with one if you were questioning your feelings for the other.”

She ends the call, but I still have the phone pressed to my ear. Her words play on a loop, and it’s like I’m struck with an epiphany. Until I can commit to Saxon completely, I will shoulder this ache until I can discern exactly what I feel for Sam. I was a fool for thinking I could have the best of both worlds. It’s either Saxon or Sam. I can’t have both.

I know who I want. That was never the issue. What I need to do is come to terms with my “feelings” for Sam. They clearly won’t just go away, so I need to discuss them…and to do that, I need to tell him how I feel.

That sounds like pure torment, but it’s the only way.

But before I can do that, I have to do one thing first. With literally nothing left to lose, I dial Saxon—chasing the chaos, just like my mom told me to do.

No surprise, it goes straight to voicemail.

“Hi…it’s me. Lucy.” I cringe. That sounded even lamer aloud than it did in my head. “Anyway, I wanted you to know that I miss you. A lot. But you were right. About everything. You said that you learned when people walk away from you…you let them go. Well, this is the start of me walking away from my past…and walking toward my future. I don’t know how long it’ll take…but I promise…it’s for certain this time. I love you. I miss you.” I hang up because I’ve said all I need to.

I should have done this a long time ago.

There is no way to prepare for something like this because there is every chance this will go wrong, and I will regret my decision, but I have to at least try. I can’t continue this way. I run a comb through my hair and attempt to look semi human, but then give up soon after as I lost that battle two days ago.

A nervous energy thrums through me, and I can only hope it gives me the momentum to see this through. I work on autopilot as I walk through the house, looking for Sam. It’s feeding time, so I descend the back porch stairs and head to the stables.

His hands are filled with feed, so I quicken my step. “Here, let me help.”

“Thanks.” He passes me a bucket filled with treats for the horses. We walk toward the stables in silence. Not a great start, but I need to gather the courage to start.

When we enter, my beloved Arabian horses neigh in delight. “You were always their favorite,” Sam says with a smile. His comment has me wondering what exactly we’ll do with them when we eventually sell. The thought of not seeing them every day instantly depresses me further.

Sam reads my mind. “And because of that, I insist you keep them. I will pay for their upkeep, but I’d hate for you to be separated from them. I know how much they mean to you.”

God, why does he have to be so…nice. So Sam like. The amnesia Sam was a lot easier to hate. This Sam just has me reminiscing and remembering the good times we shared.

Patting Potter on the nose, I scoop a few handfuls of feed into his trough and find my voice. “I-I’m not too sure I can keep them.”

“Oh?”

With my back turned is the easiest way to start. “Saxon and I argued the other night because—” I swallow “—because I don’t want to move to Oregon.”

“You don’t?”

“No. Montana is my home. Everything, everyone I love is here…”

“Well, that’s fair enough. Saxon can’t expect you to leave your life behind if you don’t want to go.”

“He doesn’t,” I amend, steadying my breathing and scolding myself for dancing around the topic at hand. Sam waits for me to continue. Stroking Potter’s soft nose, I find the strength to spit it out, once and for all. “He seems to think that…that you’re one of the reasons I don’t want to go.”

“Me?” His surprise is clear. I nod. The air swims with uncertainty. “And what do you think?”

And there it is. The million-dollar question.

“I think that maybe…he’s right.” Time stands still.

I really should have led with something a little smoother, but there is no right protocol to deliver something like this. If I’m going to do this, then let me do it with no holds barred. Giving Potter one last pat, I circle slowly, unsure what I’ll be faced with.

Sam stands frozen to the spot, his mouth parted. He looks utterly stunned. “I…I don’t understand. What are you saying?”

Inhaling, I know it’s now or never. “I’m saying that…” Oh, god, why is this so hard? “I’m saying that seeing you with Alicia bugged me. You taking her to Diana’s and then O’Malley’s bugged me. I’m saying there is this knot—” I make a fist over my belly “—in the pit on my stomach which won’t go away. But it’s not just Alicia. It’s everything. Things were so much easier when you hated me.”

Sam hisses, taking a step back. “That wasn’t me. You know that.”

“I know, but you lying to me all these years, that was you.” He bows his head, ashamed. “But regardless of all this, I still…”

“You still what?” The static whips around us. I owe Sam this. But more importantly, I owe it to myself to be honest.

“I still… love… you. But I don’t know what that love means.” Those words, although true, feel so wrong, but they liberate me nonetheless.

Sam steps back, his cheeks puffed out as he takes two deep breaths. I know this is a lot to take in. So I give him time to process the bombshell I just dropped.

“I…” He raises his finger, needing a moment. I give him all the time he needs. “I don’t know what to say. You don’t love Saxon?”

Shaking my head firmly, I reply, “No, I do, and that’s the problem. I can’t love you both. I need to figure out what my feelings for you mean. I need to know if they’re real. Or are they just old memories that my heart can’t let go of. I loved you, Sam. You were my world, but things change. I’ve changed. But what hasn’t changed is that, in spite of everything, I can’t seem to stop feeling whatever this is. I’m annoyed at you most of the time, and I think that’s because I care. If I didn’t, I could move on. But I can’t.”

It’s out. He now knows the truth. I have no idea what he’s thinking because he’s keeping his cards close to his chest.

“I can give you some time…” My suggestion dies in my throat, though, when he steps forward and gently, with a hesitant touch, brushes a strand of hair from my cheek. His touch lingers on my skin.

“I don’t need time, Lucy.”

“Then what do you need?”

My confines seem to close in on me, but I stand my ground. “You. That’s all I’ve ever needed.” He cups my chin, tracing his fingertips along my jawline. “You said you loved me. Well, I love you, as in present tense, as in I love you right now, and I never stopped.”

Hearing him confess what everyone has told me is truth doesn’t make it any easier to accept. And him touching me so intimately doesn’t feel right.

I attempt to pull from his grip, but he swoops forward and cups both cheeks, beseeching I stay. “If you can’t love us both, then choose me.” His proposal winds me, and I try to turn away. But he won’t let me go. “I will atone for all the sins I’ve committed, but please, please give me another chance.”

“Sam, it’s not that simple.”

“Why not? Once upon a time, we were simple. Why can’t we be that way again?”

“You know why.”

His pain is palpable. “You won’t even give me a chance. We were good together, baby. And yes, I fucked up. I fucked up epically, but my love for you has always been true. I tried to move on. I’m doing all this because you asked me to, but to know that you still love me…I can’t just stand by and…”

Everything is happening so fast. His words are a rush of emotion, but when he dives forward and tries to kiss me, I get my head back in the game and almost give myself whiplash as I recoil back. “No, Sam, don’t.” I place my trembling hand out in front of me to stop him from advancing. This is not why I told him. I needed to unload what I was feeling so we could talk, and I could hopefully take one step closer to figuring out what to do.

My rejection clearly hurts him. “Don’t what? Love you? Too bad, I will never stop.”

This has spiraled too quickly, and although I didn’t know what to expect, I don’t like the direction it’s headed. Call me a fool, but I am still Saxon’s girl and kissing Sam is so, so wrong.

“I have to go.” I turn to leave because this conversation is going nowhere. But Sam reaches out and enfolds me into his arms. My back presses against his chest, but the contact still feels amiss.

“I will never give up, and if there is even a small shred of hope that you’d leave him to be with me…then I will fight to the bitter end.” And only then does he let me go.

My shaky legs barely hold me up, but I manage to stumble out the door, unscathed. I fear he might follow me but am thankful when it’s just me out here in the wilderness, wondering what the hell to do.

I’m restless. And that could be because I’m utterly confused.

Sam left me alone after my confession went down in flames. I don’t know what I expected to happen, but having him attempt to kiss me was not on my radar. However, his actions confirmed the next step. I need to move out. I can’t be around him because his words, his touch, they will cloud my judgment, and I need a clear head.

With that decided, I’m going to call Hayley. I’m certain she’s back from vacation. I understand she’s probably got a ton of paperwork to catch up on, but I’m desperate. Reaching for my laptop, I want to ensure she hasn’t emailed me before I call.

Emails from work flood my inbox. Opening a message from my associate over in Syria with the subject line that reads URGENT, I brace myself for what the context entails.

 

Lucy,

I know you said you can’t leave Montana right now, but we could really use you over here. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t desperate…but I am.

Morgana.

 

Short and sweet because there are no two ways about it. I knew things were bad. But this just verifies it’s worse than I thought.

Sighing, I reach for my cell and dial Hayley. I’m expecting it to go to voicemail but am taken aback when a friendly voice answers.

“Hayley?” I ask, wondering if I’ve got the wrong number as I was not expecting her to answer.

“Yes, this is Hayley.”

Finally, I catch a break. “Hi, Hayley. My name is Lucy. I’ve emailed you a few times. My apologies for bombarding your inbox.”

She laughs lightly. “That’s quite all right. How can I help you?”

I like her already. Her friendly nature instantly puts me at ease. “I own a ranch, and I want to sell. As soon as possible. I know you’ve been on vacation…”

“Vacation? Ha! I wish. Are you sure you’ve got the right number? My boss is a slave driver, but don’t tell him that.”

On any other day, I’d appreciate her humor, but now, I’m completely confused. “Yes. My fiancé, ex-fiancé—” I quickly correct “—said he called you, but the office said you were vacationing for eight weeks.” A swell of nausea rolls within my belly.

“What did you say your surname was?”

“I didn’t. It’s Tucker. Lucy Tucker.”

“And your ex-fiancé?”

“Samuel Stone.” The sound of her flicking through paperwork sounds over the line while I hold my breath. “Ah, yes. Sorry, Lucy, I see your name in my book. And Samuel’s too.” I exhale, relieved. However, that breath is taken in vain. “Samuel called me before I had a chance to reply to your email.”

“That’s not possible,” I reply, the chaos only becoming thicker. “He called you before I emailed you, right?”

“No. The first point of contact was from you. He then called me.”

Have I stepped into the twilight zone? Because I have no idea what’s going on. “What did he say?” She clearly has her wires crossed.

When she hesitates, a shiver passes through me. “He told me that you were going through a tough time, as all couples do, and that you were…”

“I was what?” I ask, standing because I suddenly have the urge to be sick.

“That you were a little rash in your decision making. He recently had an accident, and you were still…recovering.”

“Recovering from what?” My voice is high pitched and flighty because I have no clue what is going on.

“Recovering from an…episode where you had…a lapse in judgment.”

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I’m done with her dancing around the topic at hand. “Hayley, please don’t take this the wrong way, but what the fuck are you talking about?”

She pauses, as my vulgarity is uncalled for, but what in the ever-living hell is happening.

“He said that you’d suffered a mental breakdown after his accident and not to pay any attention to your emails. Your house wasn’t for sale. No matter what you said.”

“That’s impossible.” I shake my head, frozen to the spot.

“Maybe I have the wrong person. Hang on.” Please let there be some error. But when she says, “Your house is Whispering Willows? Is that correct?” I know the only error was mine—an error of judgment for ever trusting Sam.

“Yes, that’s my home.” My pulse begins to spike as rage overtakes confusion.

“I am so sorry. I just thought…Samuel was very convincing.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. And yes, Samuel can be very convincing when he wants to be.” I’m living proof of his deceit.

Hayley apologizes profusely, but I hang up before I explode. I don’t want to do that because she is not the person my anger is directed at. I need a minute. Actually, I need two.

I can’t believe I fell for his lies…again. Fury bubbles to the surface.

Not thinking, I throw my cell against the wall, and it shatters on impact. But the anger just keeps rising. According to Hayley, Sam never contacted her. And when I did, he told her I was crazy. No wonder she never returned my emails!

A thought so farfetched enters my mind—what else has he been lying about? This entire time I trusted him, but what if it’s all been in vain?

There is only one way to find out, and I plan on doing that right now. Almost ripping the door from its hinges, I march down the hallway, adrenaline soaring through me. A whispered voice coming from inside Sam’s bedroom alerts me to where he is.

Just as I’m about to storm in and demand answers, a small voice inside me tells me to stop and listen. More answers are within reach. So I do. “I can’t lie to her anymore. This is the woman I love.”

Covering my mouth with both hands, I don’t dare breathe.

“No, I’m done. I’m telling her everything. It was your idea to fake the accident, the blackouts, and to wear this fucking cast!” I rest against the wall, peering around the doorjamb.

Sam’s back is turned, but his slumped shoulders confess a thousand words. Who is he talking to?

“You’re one fucked-up individual. I think you’re the one who needs therapy.” Whomever he’s speaking to is giving him an earful. “Go ahead. Tell him. I already know I’m a dead man when he finds out. But she is worth it. I have done all this because I love her. But you, you’ve done what you have for revenge.”

Goose bumps coat my skin as his ominous premonition has my blood running cold.

“We’re done. Do not call me again.” He hangs up, clenching his cell in his palm.

I don’t know what’s going on. It’s like I’m reliving my worst nightmare over and over again. Unable to stand this displacement a second longer, I push open the door and make my presence known. Sam spins, the guilt painted all over his face. He knows his ruse is up.

“Who were you speaking with?”

Running a hand through his hair, he exhales in surrender. “No one.”

But I’m done playing. “Oh, really? Well, I just had a very interesting conversation with Hayley Regan. Remember her? The woman you were supposed to call but never actually did.”

Tipping his chin toward the ceiling, he shakes his head sluggishly. “Fuck…”

Folding my arms across my chest, I prepare myself for battle. “Now would be the time you explain everything, starting with who exactly you were on the phone with.”

Sam has three seconds, three seconds to tell me everything before I detonate, and it will be far from pretty.

“Would you please sit?”

“No, I will not sit,” I counter stubbornly. A sigh gathers at the back of his throat from frustration. Join the club. But I’m way past frustrated.

He is collecting his thoughts. I can see it. Whatever he has to tell me is big. “Sophia.”

The moment her name spills from his lips, I want to be sick. “What about her?”

“I was on the phone with Sophia,” he explains, finally meeting my eyes.

“Why?” His silence is doing him no favors. “Why, Sam?” I scream, on the verge of hysteria.

“Because I’m done. I’m done lying!” His voice booms through the room. It’s filled with anger, but most of all, it’s laced with defeat.

But screw him. He doesn’t have the choice to surrender now. He started this war, and now, it’s time we finished it. Storming forward, I act on pure instinct and slap his cheek with all my might. My hand burns, but the sting unlocks a small piece of my soul.

He cups his cheek, moving his jaw from side to side. “I guess I deserved that.”

“You deserve a lot more, you lying son of a bitch! So, the blackouts? The headaches? The accident? This fucking cast! It’s all lies? It’s all fake?” I grip his wrist, yanking his allegedly broken arm upward. “Answer me!”

“Yes.”

One single word can change your life forever. And I know that word was the word I should have uttered to Saxon weeks ago.

“How could you?” I gasp, hot, angry tears threatening to spill free.

“I did it because I love you.”

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you fucking dare! I am done hearing that. You don’t love me. If you did, you wouldn’t lie to me time and time again!” My entire body is shaking with rage.

When he moves toward me, I recoil backward, fearing I will slap him again. He is acquainted with my scalding wrath and stays put. “Yes, you’re right,” he confesses. “My arm isn’t broken because I never had an accident. The blackouts, the headaches, they were all a ploy to win you back. To make you stay.”

Oh, my god. I cover my mouth, sickened beyond belief.

“I never called Hayley when I said I was going to. You’re right about that. I spoke to her after you emailed her. But before you slap me again, listen to the reason.”

I clench my fists, unable to make any promises.

“I didn’t call her because I wanted you to see reason… I wanted you to see that you still love me.”

“And you thought it would take eight weeks to convince me?”

He ignores my sarcasm. “I wanted you to realize what you’d be losing.”

Nothing but sincerity shines in his blue gray eyes, but it’s too late. “That was your plan all along, wasn’t it? To stay. You never intended to leave. You never intended to accept us being just friends.”

“I needed to show you that you still have feelings for me. You’re so stubborn, Lucy. It was the only way.”

“The only way?” I scoff, shaking my head furiously. “How about telling me the truth for once?”

“Would you have listened? I did what I had to, and I have no regrets. I’d lie, cheat, and steal for you. I’m not ashamed of that fact.” His arrogance ticks me off even more because he doesn’t seem to realize the damage his lies have done.

However, as I process everything he’s just exposed, a moving picture flickers before me of all the times I felt a pang of jealousy and longing. Oh, my god. How stupid could I have been?

Staggering backward, I stare, wide-eyed. “You pl-played me. This entire time, I thought they were coincidences. Wearing my favorite cologne. Sporting the shirt I bought for your birthday. Or no shirt at all. Taking Alicia to Diana’s and O’Malley’s. Alicia, in general. Jesus Christ.” I pause, needing to catch my breath. “That song we danced to…it was all part of your plan, wasn’t it?” An epiphany hits me, and I clutch my middle, sickened. “Just like when you had amnesia, I reminded you of what we had…showing you pictures, wearing your favorite perfume, talking about the past…you did the same to me, didn’t you? You wanted to remind me of what we had…just as I had with you.”

“Yes.” There is no remorse, but I never expected there to be. “I fought dirty, and you know what, I don’t care because it worked. Tonight, you told me what I always knew to be true. You love me.”

“Right now, what I feel for you is so far from love.” I curl my lip, disgusted.

“And that’s fine. Hate me, I don’t care because sooner or later, you’ll understand why I did what I did. Didn’t you go to every effort to make me remember you when I had amnesia?”

He goes to touch me, but I slap his hand away. “I don’t have fucking amnesia, Sam! Although I clearly need my head examined for believing you’d changed. How naïve and stupid could I have been? I should have listened to Saxon.”

“But you didn’t,” he counters. “You know that we—” he gestures two fingers back and forth between us “—make sense. You wouldn’t have to move. We could stay here. Life could be how it once was. You remember how good we were together. I know you do.”

“Our life was a lie! Don’t you understand? What we had was based on a lie you fabricated. And I am clearly insane for even contemplating for one second that you’d changed. That what I felt for you was real!”

“It is real.” His tone quiets, but I’m beyond furious. “Why was it so important to have me in your life?”

“I don’t know,” I spit, denial my only friend.

He snickers. “And you call me a liar. You love me, that’s why.” Plain and simple with no shades of color in between.

And there it is…the happening which has caused this entire clusterfuck from erupting.

“Saxon lied to you, too. So who’s committed the worse sin?”

“You…by far.” I stand by my affirmation. “You conspired with Sophia, why?”

“We both wanted the same thing,” he simply says.

“And what was that?” I know what, but I just need to hear it. No more lies.

“To see an end to your relationship with Saxon. She was hoping he’d go running back to her, and I was hoping you’d see reason and come back to where you belong.”

That smug, presumptuous asshole. And that scheming, malicious sociopath. Actually, both titles can be used for both parties involved.

My legs are trembling wildly, and I’m seconds away from falling into an inconsolable heap. Slumping onto the end of the bed, I stare at a spot on the floor, unable to process everything I’ve just heard. “You say you love me…but you’ve hurt me in ways you could never imagine. How could you tell me that about Saxon and moving to Oregon so flippantly? Surely, you knew that would hurt me.”

He hisses, desperately attempting to make amends. “I promise, I thought he’d told you.”

“How can I believe a word you say?” I whisper, my fight dying. He sighs, thankfully staying away. “Did you ever really want to reconcile with Saxon? Or was that a lie too?”

He honestly can’t say anything further that would shock me. “At first, no. How could I? He was the reason we were apart.” That’s not true. Sam was the reason. “But then…yes. I haven’t had a relationship with my brother in so long. But to actually get along and see what kind of man he’s become…I’m not a monster, Lucy. I know you may think I am, but everything I shared with Saxon, with you…was real. That’s why I called Sophia. To tell her I was going to come clean. Tonight meant something to me. I hated that I’ve hurt you. Hurt Saxon.”

Call me a fool, but this, I believe. I did hear him express something along these lines.

“Surely, you know me well enough to know that over these past two days, I’ve tried to make things right. Even though I’ve done what I have, it was never my intention to hurt you. I have called Saxon to see if he’s okay. I know it’s too late, but I never expected it to get this far.”

I fold in on myself, cupping my face with my palms.

“I was waiting for you to change your mind. I never anticipated it would come to this.”

Sam doesn’t know me at all. “I know it may be hard for you to understand, that it seems I’ve only felt this way for weeks, but Saxon and I…I’ve loved him since the first moment I saw him…in the library. Even though I thought it was you…it wasn’t. It was him. And you never forget your first love.”

“I will never be able to give you anything new because all your firsts…you’ve experienced with my brother.”

At the time, when Saxon confessed his fears, I didn’t know what to say. But what I should have said was that he was wrong. He was my first…my very first, and you never forget someone who gave you so much to remember.

“And what am I then?”

Wiping the tears away, I lift my eyes and meet Sam’s stare. I should hate him for everything he’s done, but I don’t. I feel sorry for him—sorry that I don’t love him the way he loves me. Not anymore.

The answer was there all along, and my mom was right— Listen to your heart. And I have. “Sometimes, you miss the memories, not the person… and you, Sam, you’re a memory.”

I’ve wounded him, but it’s the truth, and after the number of lies told, it’s time honesty prevailed.

“I refuse to believe it,” he argues, shaking his head, tears filling his eyes. “Kiss me… kiss me and tell me you don’t feel a thing.”

“What?” Bile rises, and I wildly object.

A wave of desperation follows him as he rushes over and crouches down in front of me. An offering, a surrender. “If you kiss me and feel nothing…then I promise, I will leave you be.”

I retreat, but he prevents me from moving an inch by placing his hands on my thighs. “Let me go,” I say, squirming, as I suddenly am more than uncomfortable. But he doesn’t. His presence encases me, and I’m held captive by an unseen force.

“No.” He edges closer and closer, hands still pinning my legs while I’m finding it harder to pull away. “If this is my last chance…if this is the last memory I’m to make, then let it be this.” I open my mouth, but words don’t fill it. Instead, Sam’s lips do.

At first, I don’t dare move as the feel of his lips pressed against mine is foreign, yet so familiar all in the same breath. The tickle of his stubble shoots a current all the way to my toes, but when he gently parts my mouth with his tongue, a tingle overtakes me whole.

I’m far from receptive, but damn my traitorous body and heart, I can’t push him away. Memories crash into me, countless memories of what we had, and the proposition of what we could be. He cups the back of my head, coaxing me to engage, but what we had, who I am now…this isn’t what I want. He isn’t who stirs my blood with a touch alone.

A kiss has the ability to change the world, but only if shared with someone who owns you, completely and forevermore. And Sam is no longer that person. It took a kiss, one single kiss, to wade through the confusion and finally see the light.

Just as I’m about to push him away, to tell him once and for all that we can never be, a hollowed voice rips out my insides and gashes at my very soul. “I’m sorry…I just wanted to make sure you were okay…but clearly, you are.”

The world flashes brightly, the intensity blinding me as I attempt to make sense of what’s going on. Blinking intermittently, pieces of the puzzle fall into place, but it’s a riddle I never want to solve. “Saxon?”

I need to ensure he’s really here, and it’s not my guilty conscience playing tricks on me. But when those mesmeric eyes meet mine, I know that he’s here, in the flesh…and he’s just witnessed my infidelity.

Wiping frantically at my lips, I bound from the bed, desperate to make things right. But when he takes two steps back, clearly disgusted, I stop, needing the world to stop spinning.

“Sax…it’s not her fault.” Sam stands too, a protector at my side. But he’s wrong.

“Yes, it is my fault for allowing things to get this far.” A bitterness lingers on our tongues, and it soon tastes like a mutiny—us versus Saxon. “Please let me…”

But he’s done listening. “There’s nothing for you to explain. I get it.” I’m expecting anger. Maybe a string of expletives. But I get nothing of the sort. There is no fire, no emotion … no nothing. This was the final straw.

I don’t care if he never speaks to me again. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t want to speak to me either, but if I do one thing right, it’ll be this. “No, you really don’t. Please hear me out, and then whatever you decide…it’s your choice.”

I barely register the fact Sam stands by my side. The only thing that matters is making this right with Saxon. It’s evident he wants nothing to do with me, but he can hate me later because now, I need him to listen.

He has every right to tell me to go to hell, but I really hope he doesn’t. I loop my arms behind my back, wringing my hands together because if he says no…

“Okay.”

Without a moment to lose, I will my wobbly legs to make it out the door. This is between Saxon and me, and I fear if Sam were to follow, Saxon’s cool demeanor just may evaporate for good. His heavy footsteps trudge behind me, which is a good start.

I lead him through the house in complete silence, gathering my thoughts so I don’t fuck this up. The confines of this home seem to be siphoning off my air supply with every breath I take, so I walk out the back door.

The cool air laps at my cheeks, clearing my head, but I don’t even know where to begin. I continue pacing, a ball of nerves coiling in my belly as we get closer to sealing our fate forever. No matter how far I walk, I know I can never escape what I’ve done, so I stop, ready to face my charge.

Mother nature hums through me as I dig my feet into the earth beneath me. “Saxon… I am so sorry. What you saw…it was not okay. It’ll never be okay.” My back is turned, needing the distance to say what I need to say. “There are no excuses, and I take full reasonability for my actions, but if you’d come through that door five seconds later, you’d have seen me tell him that he’s nothing but the past. I’ve never been more certain.” Taking a breath, it’s time he knows he’s been right all along. “Sam has been lying this entire time. He never contacted the realtor. He never intended to sell. Just as I attempted to remind him of everything we had when he had amnesia, for the past few weeks, he’s been doing the same thing to me.”

The air is still—deathly quiet. But I continue.

“You were right all along. He was playing me, and like a fool, I fell for his lies…again. He kissed me because it took all this…uncertainty—” I rub over my chest “—to realize that what I feel for him is nothing but memories, tugging at my heartstrings. You and I …we happened so fast and then Sam started being Sam again. I was just confused. It’s inexcusable, but it’s the truth.”

His silence is what I deserve, but I need him to say something, anything. So I gradually turn, welcoming my sentence.

The first thing I notice is how calm Saxon appears, but just as a tornado destroys in seconds, this is the calm before the storm. He stands untroubled, hands dug deep into his pockets, his head held high. I can’t be certain he’s heard a word I’ve said because the Saxon I thought I knew would have gone back into the house and ended this with Sam once and for all. But maybe this is the end. Maybe he’s done caring for good.

“Saxon?” My pitch is high, hesitant. A tic under his eye, though, gives him away. “Say something. Please.” I have no right to make demands, but his silence is killing me.

His gaze is sharp, never wavering from mine. “I don’t want to be right.” He’s addressing my earlier admission of him seeing Sam’s true colors from the very beginning.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, biting my cheek to stop the tears.

“Sorry for what?” He’s angry, and he has every right, but his detachment hurts more than him yelling, telling me to go to hell.

“Sorry for what I’ve put you through. Sorry for not congratulating you on your success. Sorry that you saw what you did.” The laundry list is endless, but I decide to stop there.

He growls low as I’ve clearly touched a nerve. “It’s not any worse than what I’ve imagined happening.”

“What?” I wheeze. “Nothing has been happening. That was the first time we…”

He jerks out his palm. “Okay, enough.”

I quickly seal my lips shut, not wanting to do any more damage, but his creased forehead and set jaw have me fearing the damage is already done.

“It meant nothing,” I whisper. “Please believe me when I tell you it’s you, it’s always been you.” He turns his cheek, my confession coming years too late. “Everything I’ve said to you… I meant with all my heart. But along the way, things just got messed up.”

I can’t stand this separation a moment longer. Whatever happens, I need him to know how I feel. How I’ve always felt. I may have taken the long way, but I’m finally home. “Don’t look away from me. Not now.” Charging forward, I cup his face, not giving him any other option but to meet my eyes. The second we touch, my body hums, a sense of peace deluging me. “Please…let me in. I need to know how you feel.”

The pain tears at my center because all I see is unequivocal heartache. Licking his lips, he places his quaking hand over mine. “You had to kiss him…” I take a cavernous breath. “To figure out that I’m the one…but I knew that from the first moment I saw you.” No words can express my shame. “When we were together…did you love him as much as me?” Now I’m the one to look away.

He’s asking me this because yes, he’s accused, but I’ve never confirmed.

A part of me wants to spare him the pain, but lies have paved our paths for so long. I’ve learned I’d rather be hurt with the truth than ever comforted with a lie. The inevitable looms. I can only hope this is the first step toward salvation. “I love Sam…but I love you more.”

He closes his eyes for the briefest of seconds, his desolation silencing us both. “That’s not enough.”

“I know,” I sob, my chest quivering. “Tell m-me what to d-do, and I’ll do it.”

“There’s nothing you can do.” He gently removes himself from my touch.

A guttural cry leaves me, and I doubt I’ll ever be okay. “So this is really it? This is goodbye?”

The air whips and burns, my heart lodging in my throat as I wait for him to reply. “Yes.” Three mundane letters coupled with a lifetime of heartache can change your life forever, and this right here is world-shattering.

“No…no…” I whimper, weeping uncontrollably. “I kn-know you sa-said you learned that w-when people walk aw-away from you, you let them go. Please d-don’t let me g-go. You make me a better person. You think I’m good, but I’m better with you. See, I’m not perfect. I made a mistake. A big mistake. You loved me when I didn’t deserve it. I still don’t, but please…I love you…god, it hu-hurts.” I wrap my arms around my middle, certain my heart is seconds away from spilling out of me.

“You deserve all the love in the world, Lucy. You always have.” There’s a tremble in his fingertips as he wipes away my tears. “But I can’t love you when you love me with only half of your heart. I came over here to tell you I’ve signed the paperwork and I’m leaving for Oregon in the morning. I want nothing more than for you to come with me…but not like this. You and I will always be unfinished business. But there comes a time when you have to choose between turning the page or closing the book, and this is me closing an epic tale. Love shouldn’t be this hard, but it is. I’m tired of fighting with you. With Sam. I wish things could have been different between us because I…love you…so much.” He rushes forward, sweeping me into his arms.

I find shelter in his embrace, hiding away from everything I’ve done.

“I have never loved anyone as much as I do you. Just because I’m letting you go…” His voice cracks, while words left me long ago. “Doesn’t mean I want to. This just hurts…too much.” His confession is my undoing, and I sob violently, choking on my tears. “Remember me with nothing but happy memories…because you’ll always be my reason to smile.”

I can’t…the heartache is too much. But this pain… it’s my forever scar, and I know what I have to do. Scars are tattoos— just with better stories. Mine and Saxon’s love will fill volumes and volumes of books and stay with me evermore because in this tempest of devastation, this is the only thing that makes sense. This is what I should have done the moment my heart was split in two.

Never wanting to let Saxon go, I nestle into his neck, committing to memory how it felt being in his arms. How it felt being his. “Thank you for helping me forget who I was…and remembering who I am. I love you. You’ll always be my hardest goodbye.”

“Goodbye…little Lucy Tucker.”

The end has never been more bittersweet. Although I don’t want to do this, there is no other way. Love has driven my story from the first page, and now, I’ve come to learn that the first person I have to love is myself.

Love is about sacrifice, and there is no bigger sacrifice than letting Saxon go.

What the future holds is a journey I’m ready to take. There really is no question about what I have to do next. So I treasure this man and hold onto the hope that love stories never have an end.