Natalie
I love you.
Those words ricochet through my brain like a bullet. All the pasta I’ve just eaten feels like it’s going to make an unexpected reappearance. I flatten a hand over my belly in an attempt to stop that from happening.
How am I supposed to respond?
I know what I want to say.
I want to jump up and tell him that I love him too, but I can’t do that. John McKinnon’s words have been rattling around in my head for the last couple of days, and I hate to say it, but I think he might be right.
Brody would be better off focusing on hockey and finishing out his senior year before moving on to Milwaukee. He doesn’t need the distraction our relationship has become.
Even though my heart feels like it’s being torn to shreds, I say carefully, “Brody, I care about you a lot.”
His body grows impossibly still, and he blinks as if he didn’t hear me correctly before repeating hoarsely, “You care about me?”
“Yes.” I nod. All of a sudden, my chest feels heavy, and I can’t breathe. It’s painful to draw in air. “A lot.” I slide my fingers from beneath his and tuck them into my lap. I keep my gaze focused on his. “But this relationship is moving really fast.” I gulp and force out the rest. If I don’t do it now, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to push the words out at all. “I’m not ready for this.”
“You’re not ready for…this?” He repeats, his eyes widening. “For us? For a relationship?” His voice elevates with each question hurtled in my direction.
I want to bury my face in my hands and cry. But I can’t do that. I have to finish this off. Unbeknownst to Brody, he’s given me the perfect excuse to pull the plug.
“I didn’t realize you were thinking long term.” I shake my head. “I have no idea what’s going to happen next year. I don’t know where I’ll be. I could be here or anywhere else in the country. I have to go where I can find a job. And with you going to Milwaukee…” I allow my words to trail off as if the outcome is obvious.
“Even if I’m in Milwaukee and you’re somewhere else, we can still make this work.”
I shrug. “Long-distance relationships are difficult. Most of them don’t survive the first six months. Why would we bother setting ourselves up for failure?”
He takes his hands from the table and crosses his arms over his chest. Hurt flashes across his face. “I thought we were on the same page,” he mumbles.
“I’m sorry. I’m just not ready to make that kind of commitment. There’s so much going on right now. So many unknowns.”
He sucks in a breath and blows it out slowly before nodding. “Okay. We can slow things down a bit. I didn’t realize I was moving so fast.”
My eyes drop to the table. I have to make a clean break. And I can’t watch the anguish fill his eyes when I say the words. I just can’t. The pain already flooding through me is excruciating. Any moment, I’m going to crumple to the floor and blurt out the truth.
“I think it might be best to take a break. There’s no point in us getting involved only for you to leave at the end of the year and head to Milwaukee.” I force my gaze to his. “We both know that once you’re in the NHL, there’ll be many women throwing themselves at you. Are you really going to be able to resist that temptation?” I wait a beat. “Do you even want to?”
Brody’s jaw slackens. He looks like I’ve just slapped him.
“Are you being serious right now?” he whispers. “That’s what you think of me?”
I tilt my head. “Come on, you’ve spent your entire life whoring around. You couldn’t even tell me how many women you’ve slept with.”
He shakes his head. “I can’t believe you’re throwing that in my face. I was trying to be honest with you.” His whiskey-colored eyes fill with pain.
“And I’m just trying to do the same.”
He reaches across the table. Desperation is written in every line of his face. “What’s going on with you, Natalie? Where’s this all coming from?”
The tears are so close to the surface that they burn the backs of my eyelids. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep the emotion in check.
I shrug. “I’ve just been thinking about it a lot lately, and I don’t think a relationship is going to work between us in the long run. I don’t want to waste either of our time.”
Looking upset, he draws back again. “Well, I appreciate your honesty.”
“I’m sorry. I really am. You’re a wonderful guy. I hope you know that.”
He snorts as he gets to his feet. “Sure. I’m a great guy. Just not for you, right?”
“That’s not what I said,” I whisper desperately.
“You didn’t have to.”
Panic floods through me, and I shoot out of my seat. Even though I know what I’m doing is best for Brody, it’s not easy. The last thing I want is to hurt him, but that seems to be the only way.
“Brody, wait—”
“I’m going to take off.” He picks up his jacket and shrugs into it. “I’ll see you around, okay?”
I nod miserably.
There’s nothing more to say.
He slams through the door and the tears I’d been holding back leak from my eyes.
“I love you, too,” I whisper into the silence, knowing he’ll never realize how I truly feel about him.
In order to break his heart, I had to break my own.